Is it more important how they were or how they ended it?

[stevie_23]

My ex was amazing to me during our whole relationship. Sure, there were a few blips where he had trouble dealing with his life and trying to balance “our” life (online long distance affair) and his “real” life. He hurt me with his reactions to events in his life at times, but I understood his reasons and he had always treated me wonderfully.

 

But the way he has now ended it, is really hard to reconcile with how he treated me the whole almost 2 years we were together. Just threw me away suddenly and didn’t even tell me he was trying to move on. That just doesn’t make any sense based on everything else he’d been to me.

 

But anyway…my point is…do you consider it more important…

 

(1) How they behaved and treated you while you were a couple?

 

OR

 

(2) How they treated you when they broke up with you and immediately afterwards?

 

 

My best friend (who is also my first ex from back in my early 20s) had a 7 year relationship after our’s ended and they were engaged and all was great, but then her ex abruptly left. Moved out. Told her she wasn’t in love anymore and was too young to be tied down to domesticity (there was a 7 year age difference) and had to explore and live her life. She had made plans already to move out and had a place and a flight to London ready before telling my best friend about it.

 

My best friend was obviously shocked and hurt and SO very angry for a REALLY long time. They broke up back in 2007 and only in the past 6 months have she and her ex become sort of friendly again.

 

I once said to her when we were discussing how she hated her and couldn’t understand why I didn’t hate her, that I considered it was more important how she treated her while they were together, NOT afterwards, even though of course I thought she could have handled it better.

 

I think my friend now understands that more, but now based on my own recent hurtful experience with my ex, I am questioning whether my theory is true.

[MyAngel]

How it was seemingly ended so quickly and how she was able to walk away from me so easily has overshadowed most of the memories of what we once had. I'm in a cynical stage I think dealing with it all a lot better than I have been, getting over it and starting to heal. (Although I say this and I still have moments of weakness when I pine for her and what we had - utterly stupid I know)

Edited January 10, 2013 by MyAngel

[stevie_23]

No, it's not stupid to pine and miss what you had, and even to want it back (the good times). Definitely not stupid. If I could have back what my ex and I had, I'd take it in a second. Why not? It was GOOD while we were together.

[jags2bowl27]

in my case, i remember the good times here and there, but within 10-30 seconds, the way she acted AFTER the breakup has flooded my mind. Leaving me w/o even one word of communication that there was a problem. Leaving me for another guy. coming back and giving me a fake sob story when she finds out im moving on with someone else. Sitting down with her as she tells me complete bull ****. and the the best part, she decides to stay with the guy she left me for after i tell her im willing to work on things.

 

moral of the story, 4 months wiped out 2 years in my mind...... i see the 2 years as something fake now

[stevie_23]

This is the thing - people's feelings change and they can't help it. They can only control how they behave in response to their feelings, but not the feelings themselves.

 

People embark on a relationship together because they want to, because they feel it. If one does not feel it anymore eventually, they will usually end the relationship, much to the heartache of the person left behind.

 

As with anything related to human behaviour, relationships are complicated. People generally don't realise their feelings and then tell the other person before doing something that will really hurt that person. People are often confused (your ex certainly sounds like she was) and act in ways that produce great pain to others and don't really make much sense.

 

Despite this, the way people were DURING the relationship when they both WANTED to be in it, THIS is what I try to focus on. Because it's the whole point of being in the relationship in the first place.

 

Once things start going downhill and someone's feelings have changed, this is where the behaviours stop reflecting the true state of what the relationship was. So I compartmentalise this behaviour as separate from the relationship itself, if that makes sense.

[jags2bowl27]

This is the thing - people's feelings change and they can't help it. They can only control how they behave in response to their feelings, but not the feelings themselves.

 

People embark on a relationship together because they want to, because they feel it. If one does not feel it anymore eventually, they will usually end the relationship, much to the heartache of the person left behind.

 

As with anything related to human behaviour, relationships are complicated. People generally don't realise their feelings and then tell the other person before doing something that will really hurt that person. People are often confused (your ex certainly sounds like she was) and act in ways that produce great pain to others and don't really make much sense.

 

Despite this, the way people were DURING the relationship when they both WANTED to be in it, THIS is what I try to focus on. Because it's the whole point of being in the relationship in the first place.

 

Once things start going downhill and someone's feelings have changed, this is where the behaviours stop reflecting the true state of what the relationship was. So I compartmentalise this behaviour as separate from the relationship itself, if that makes sense.

 

No it doesn't make sense at all lol

[Samilia]

My ex was amazing to me during our whole relationship. Sure, there were a few blips where he had trouble dealing with his life and trying to balance “our” life (online long distance affair) and his “real” life. He hurt me with his reactions to events in his life at times, but I understood his reasons and he had always treated me wonderfully.

 

But the way he has now ended it, is really hard to reconcile with how he treated me the whole almost 2 years we were together. Just threw me away suddenly and didn’t even tell me he was trying to move on. That just doesn’t make any sense based on everything else he’d been to me.

 

But anyway…my point is…do you consider it more important…

 

(1) How they behaved and treated you while you were a couple?

 

OR

 

(2) How they treated you when they broke up with you and immediately afterwards?

 

 

My best friend (who is also my first ex from back in my early 20s) had a 7 year relationship after our’s ended and they were engaged and all was great, but then her ex abruptly left. Moved out. Told her she wasn’t in love anymore and was too young to be tied down to domesticity (there was a 7 year age difference) and had to explore and live her life. She had made plans already to move out and had a place and a flight to London ready before telling my best friend about it.

 

My best friend was obviously shocked and hurt and SO very angry for a REALLY long time. They broke up back in 2007 and only in the past 6 months have she and her ex become sort of friendly again.

 

I once said to her when we were discussing how she hated her and couldn’t understand why I didn’t hate her, that I considered it was more important how she treated her while they were together, NOT afterwards, even though of course I thought she could have handled it better.

 

I think my friend now understands that more, but now based on my own recent hurtful experience with my ex, I am questioning whether my theory is true.

 

I understand what you mean. Not a lot of dumpers come up on top in the eye of the dumpee anyway. I think that when someone breaks up with their better half they often act badly, make an ass of themselves if you really think about it. There's often a lot of resentments not about the relationship itself, but about how it ended.

[MyAngel]

Great post Stevie. Yes it makes sense to me. Feelings do change. And there's always a poor broken hearted fool left behind. I hate so much knowing that her feelings were probably changed for a while but she never told me. I don't know how long she kept it going while I still loved her and she was falling out of love. She said she "loves me so much" when she broke it off. But if you love someone so much, you'd not leave them.

[Jono85]

edit: dumb story lol. over it now! was just venting hah

Edited January 11, 2013 by Jono85

[stevie_23]

Great post Stevie. Yes it makes sense to me. Feelings do change. And there's always a poor broken hearted fool left behind. I hate so much knowing that her feelings were probably changed for a while but she never told me. I don't know how long she kept it going while I still loved her and she was falling out of love. She said she "loves me so much" when she broke it off. But if you love someone so much, you'd not leave them.

 

Yes, true. If you love someone so much, you MUST be with them and you want to be with them because it makes you happy. For you to leave them, it obviously says you think you will be happier WITHOUT them. So...yeah.

 

I think what happens in that case is they fall out of love, at first don't want to admit it even to themselves, and then by the time they tell you, they've fully realised it and have moved on emotionally already, but they DO still love you in that they CARE for you as a person and possibly a friend. They care for the memories they have of your time together. But they don't want to be with you that way anymore. It's very hard indeed.

[MyAngel]

Yeah.... Ouch. Biggest reason of all to move on : they no longer love you. I know this, but why is it so bloody hard to move on haha..... At least I can laugh at myself for wallowing pointlessly in this misery. I must be getting better