stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have been thinking (yes, again, of course) about how my ex treated me over the past month since he left me, with no explanation for 8 days, then a flimsy half-assed email, and then NC since then. I have been confused and shocked about how he’s been able to do this to me. I know his life got too hard, with his wife and a new job, and he’s always struggled with trying to balance me and “our” life and his own life. But I still remain shocked and appalled he could throw me away like this. But then I was thinking…what would he have done and felt if I’d done this same thing to him. It’d be a slightly different situation as he’s sort of done this to me before on a smaller scale, and I never have to him, but even so. Back in October last year, I was involved in an accident that landed me in the hospital for a few days. I last texted him to say I had landed at the airport (after coming back from a vacation, where we had been in constant text contact throughout the duration), and then nothing because of my accident that happened right afterwards. He was online as normal that night, waiting for me to come and chat as we’d planned once I got back home. When I didn’t come, he emailed me, asking if he’d gotten the dates wrong and if I was ok. Obviously I couldn’t reply. That night he didn’t sleep (I know all this cause he told me afterwards, when I got home and could go online again) and he said I came to him in a dream. He knew then I was alive, but had been hurt, he said. He sent me a few more short emails saying he was waiting to hear from me and worried. He was of course VERY relieved when I finally contacted him. And very supportive and loving as I recovered in the following weeks. So. What if I had NOT been in an accident but had simply just stopped talking to him entirely, like he did to me, out of the blue? If he had kept waiting and worrying, assuming something bad had happened to me, but then say, a week later he went on the songwriting forum we go on and saw I’d been there, was apparently alive and well, and had even posted a new song I’d written, the first words of which were “It’s done”. How would he have felt? Shocked? Heartbroken? Confused? Of course. All of those things he’d have felt. Would he have tried to email me? Text me? Yes, he definitely would have. If I’d not responded at all to any of them, would he have tried to contact me through that songwriting forum in a private message? Yes, he would. He would have wanted to talk to me and work out what was going on, why I had not contacted him and why I felt we were “done”. What if I just never talked to him again? No explanation? Just gone. He would have been unbelievably hurt. If, like he did to me, I DID finally send him an email explaining I couldn’t live 2 lives anymore and it was just too hard and that my partner had found my secret phone I used only for his texts, etc and it was over and I didn’t know what else to do, but I was sorry…would he have tried to work it out, talk to me about it properly? Yes, he would. But he also would have understood. He has always been more understanding and passive in a way than me. He would have let me go, out of respect. And he would have tried hard to understand why I did it in that harsh NC way, even though it hurt him more than anything. So all of this blabber I’ve just gone on about is not to excuse him or to justify his actions, but rather, to try and understand yet more why he has been able to do this to me.
na49 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 This is a fun thread lol. What would my ex do? Well considering that she cheated on me, it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference. I would've dumped her for cheating on me. She'd be upset for maybe 5 minutes and end up with her new knight in shining armor. I'd be left just as depressed and upset as I am right now.
Missing Him Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I broke up with my ex back in June because he lied to me about some things. We were long distance and agreed that an open relationship would be something to consider. He didn't cheat, but he did lie about some things. Anyway, when I found out the truth, I broke things off. I stopped speaking to him. What did he do? He cried. He begged and pleaded. He blew up my phone nonstop. He wrote me letters and then asked if I could still be his friend. Eventually, I agreed to getting back together with him. I wouldn't say the roles were reversed because I did nothing to "deserve" being broken up with, but it helps to know that he was on the other end of this at one point and that my feelings aren't just me embarrassing myself.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Hmm, yeah. I’d never left my ex or broken up with him or anything. At one point last year for some silly reason he thought, based on an email I sent (a very long one with lots of deep thoughts and introspections), that I wanted to leave him. He reacted strongly. Left town, drove 3 hours to another state to visit a house he used to own. He took a kayak that he’d had 10 years ago that was still sitting outside and went out on a lake at the back of the house and sat for a while, thinking. He (and me too) is a deep, deep thinker. An introspective soul. Sometimes his thoughts get tangled up in themselves and he gets a bit lost. Anyway, so he didn’t contact me for a whole day (which back then, for us was HUGE). It hurt me. He said he’d felt hurt. We talked and sorted it out. Several times throughout those first 9 months or so of being together, he would say stuff like “Please don’t ever leave me” and “I can’t live without you” and such. It made me feel good. Like I was the one in control (not that I needed to be, but you know. It feels 100% better than NOT being in control or feeling the NEED for control in a relationship because you’re so insecure!) But then…slowly the tables turned and he was the one who was struggling with maintaining our relationship. He left me several times for varying lengths of time and it hit me hard. I became insecure and although he kept telling me he’d never leave me, I could no longer truly believe him. So at least I’ve had the experience of him wanting me in that sort of desperate way, and not just the other way around.
MyAngel Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 If I had dumped her like she did to me, I'm sure she would be thoroughly pissed off and would move on ASAP! I'm sure shes's moved on already though, and has been since she gave me the flick. I don't feel pissed off, well maybe a little when I think back on all the stuff she said to me during the course of the relationship (soul mates, all that stuff) and I wonder if I was taken for a fool but oh well. Live and learn! Move on! Who cares
Simon Phoenix Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Almost exactly the same as me, though with less initial regret I bet. Both of us aren't exactly type to get attached, so when we do, it's pretty cathartic. She would have been pissed and probably would have repressed any need to reach out because she's as stubborn as me, if not more so. So we'd probably be at the same stalemate, where we are driven to prove to ourselves that we didn't need the other person, that we are now.
LostOne1 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 My ex would have begged and pleaded. It did happen once when she did something messed up and I just stopped talking for a day. She just begged and pleaded and then would say stupid things like how she would move to a new place or hurt herself etc. So I assume she would do the same. Then I guess she would go NC after awhile and never look back no matter what. Which is why I've been holding NC hard lately, because she would've done the same. I guess even right now it's a way to show both of us can live life without each other. She wants to show she can live without me and I want to do the same. if the roles were reversed it would be the same too.
Harradin Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Considering my ex used to tell me she was terrified of losing me before she got manipulated by my 'friend,' if before that happened i dumped her, she would have probably blown up my phone, begged, cried and tried desperately to try get me back. But if she was being manipulated she would have just got with him as soon as I dumped her.
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