Author promises Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 not to mention the torment your decision caused when your BS went crazy (as she should) all over my life and world.. my job, my friends, my family??? You know this and yet you still put us both in harms way emotionally and honestly, you are putting your future with your children in jeopardy. You have made me cry and swear and act un-like my very nature. I have let that happen and now you come back, when you want to. For what??? What is reaching out going to do now?? What???
Lillyfree Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 what did his message say, if you don't mind me asking?
Author promises Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 and with that rant... I may just be moving closer to #2... indifference..
loredo21 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 and speak of the devil- guess who just broke NC>....................AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NOOO! I was just thinking about all of this talk of NC on here and into the universe would make one of them break contact....weird! I hope we can get a little of the scoop. And hope you can stay strong. I don't know what I would do !
RickFox Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Indifference comes in time. You won't question the why's and how's. You won't ask what do you want from me if he contacts you. You won't worry about whether the NC will help you get there.....one day, it will come and you won't be thinking of him, he won't be at the forefront of your thoughts, you won't get the lump in your throat when your phone goes off, you won't be angry or upset or wonder if it was a big FU or not.........and that is when you realize, you no longer care..... that is when you truly have reached indifference. 5
seren Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Promises, hang in there, you are probably one of the people on this side who I have thought shows an understanding of the dynamics of hurt an A brings. I don't and wouldn't wish the hurt and feeling of rejection and WTF for anyone, for what it's worth my H's reaction has been more like MFH70's example, it used to make me ask, if she was so dammed awful why have the dammed A? TBH, many people assume that the BS 'enforces' NC, but in most instances it is more a case of them drawing a line in the sand and saying if you want us to work, then you don't see or contact the AP again - the choice not to is that of the WS. I am one who said the OW should have closure and many haven't understood why I should even care that she had this, but I think that in order for everyone to move on there has to be some form of ending and tying up the loose ends. But that can only come from the WS, the OW in my H's affair still drops in our world from time to time 5 years after D Day, I think if she had, had proper closure she wouldn't do this. I don't and never have excused what he did, forgiven, yes, forget, impossible. Had he broken NC then we would have divorced, it is all part of re committing to our marriage. I drew my line in the sand and he chose not to cross it. I think a lot of WS compartmentalise their lives during an A and on D Day, when it all comes crashing down around their heads are forced to look at their actions and in the process don't like what they see they have done. Some blame the OW and some own their own actions, some want to wipe out what they have done and completely ignore the AP and while maybe, not meaning an FU, are avoiding thinking how the AP is thinking as it adds another dimension of how crap they have or are treating someone to have their own needs met. I suppose they are doing what they did before having an A, in that I mean not facing up to things and ending one before begining another. I hope you remain NC and that this time it is you that says there is to be NC. I also hope you find peace from all the crap feelings of feeling left, indifference is possibly a good thing for you to feel, but that comes with time. Take care of yourself x 2
Author promises Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 thank you, seren. He is doing what he did all along during the affair.. ignoring my requests and needs to his own. I need to remain NC. It's easy right now because I am talking about it. Not saying anything will be difficult, but easier thinking of all of the people here and in my life who have coached me through this... I can't let them down.. I don't want to go backwards. 1
bentnotbroken Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 The thread topic is to choose 1 or 2. I would assume that the BS would like to believe that #2 is true- indifference. I'd have to say that at some point #2 will be true. Don't assume for the BS. What a BS would like to believe is likely not even close to #2.
Author promises Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Don't assume for the BS. What a BS would like to believe is likely not even close to #2. true- sorry about that.
seren Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Just think of you and what you have been through and how he has treated you, that in itself should help your resolve to move forward, easy to say I know. After H's affair I asked myself what I wanted from my life and for once just thought about me and not anyone else, I then looked at what I needed to do to achieve that and took it minute by minute. For sure I had all the crap feelings, but I acknowledged them (cried, smoked, lots, drank gin etc) while making rules for myself and drawing all those lines in the sand. The MM has shown that he dealt with the A by disregrading how his actions toward you made you feel, and as crap as it might make you feel, remember that, it sounds like conflict avoidance behaviour - to hang a label on it. What it really means is that he has been busted and instead of facing the consequences of his actions toward both you and his BS, he has chosen to put the A in a box. That he has finally thought to break NC says to me, that he is having a rough time at home and is running again. Some may interpret it is him realising he wants you, and maybe that is the case, if when you look at what you want from life you realise you want the MM, draw your line in the sand and tell him to end one relationship before starting another with you - if that is what you want. Love really shouldn't hurt so much, nor should it involve deceit, for anyone. 4
Catplates Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 thank you, seren. He is doing what he did all along during the affair.. ignoring my requests and needs to his own. I need to remain NC. It's easy right now because I am talking about it. Not saying anything will be difficult, but easier thinking of all of the people here and in my life who have coached me through this... I can't let them down.. I don't want to go backwards. The bugger has just trashed your boundaries again... lack of any respect for anybody. What did he want Promises?
Author promises Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) The bugger has just trashed your boundaries again... lack of any respect for anybody. What did he want Promises? He wanted to let me know (in so many words) that he was around and thinking of me. Edited January 10, 2013 by promises
2sunny Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 He wanted to let me know (in so many words) that he was around and thinking of me. That's as good as a booty call - coming from a males language... 2
Catplates Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Promises, Definitely not number 1 for me. NOt sure about number 2. It was very odd. I very suddenly became totally disenchanted with him. The rose coloured glasses came off and that was that. AFter that NC. Maybe it was number 2.
Author promises Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 That's as good as a booty call - coming from a males language... so he's a cake eater..
Catplates Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 He wanted to let me know (in so many words) that he was around and thinking of me. Fishing.... dangling the bait and looking for some acknowledgement of whether you are still availabe when he snaps his fingers. He needs you to validate his magnificence. Keep your dignity and don't... you will slip backwards at a great rate. Let him think whatever he likes. It doesn't matter. 2
Lillyfree Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 i just can't get that some people have absolutely no empathy. what an arse. so sorry that you're going through this
Author promises Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Fishing.... dangling the bait and looking for some acknowledgement of whether you are still availabe when he snaps his fingers. He needs you to validate his magnificence. Keep your dignity and don't... you will slip backwards at a great rate. Let him think whatever he likes. It doesn't matter. I have snapped back and it's been great pain. Just the contact alone is going to make me go mad in approx. 48 hours. Validate his magnificence...
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 "Who the F do you think you are??? Excellent. I still have an affect on her so she still cares. I can totally bang her again with a little work...I. Am. Such. A. Stud. WHO ARE YOU??? Yo...Im freakin' Adonis (NY Brooklyn accent here - Author's note). I got you hangin' all over me. I got my W hanging all over me - both saying leave and neither doing it. Yeah bitches, I noticed your words and actions - not the same. Y'all just barking and a hissin and hawlerin' - and doing nuttin' (Authors note - I suddenly decided he was deep south here) Is my heart and mind a freakin' yo-yo to you? Putty? A jig-saw puzzle you just tossed in a box underneath your hope chest? Oh this is too easy. Lets see...more soulmate, a little star crossed lovers, a dash of crocodile tears...and maybe even talk about my D..BAM - that'll do it. You are amazing. Truly amazing. D_mn straight. I have TWO women fawning and fighting over me. How's couples therapy going? Oh gawd...not more pyscho-babble bullshyte. Im sorry this, Im sorry that - gawdd_mn Dr Phil. Uh...what else...not in touch with my true feelings (oh, thats a good one!) How is life? Pretty crappy right now. It s_cks having ONE pizzed off female - try two! But I can do this. I can save it. I'll get you both back - y'all both crying over me...I still have real estate in your heart. Work a little "me magic"...yeah baby yeah How are your kids? Love them, they love me... How the h*ll do you get off coming in and out of women's lives like you are a flippin GOD on wheels? Whoa there filly. I didn't force you to do anything. You knew the game - its complicated. We'll be together - we were meant to be and I've NEVER felt like this before. And look at all the hell I go through JUST FOR YOU - oh yeah, that'll work on both! Love it. Man, I am AWESOME. Promises, next time you consider breaking NC...while overly dramatic, and hopefully a bit humorous, keep HIS thought process in mind. 9
Lillyfree Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 i wish it were possible to like posts more than once. the above brought a chuckle or two into an otherwise fairly meh day... thank you.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I feel like at this point NC feels like a little bit of both to me. 1. A big fat FU - i.e.; We each hurt each other and it's just too painful for multiple parties to talk ever again. And, btw, FU. 2. Indifference. I'm moving on and you are no longer a priority. There have been many threads on NC lately. Which does it feel like to you? 1 or 2? The affair was a big FU to his wife..so I think it's option 3- I got caught, decided I wanted my life back, and you aren't as important to me as she is so I'm going to ignore you to make her happy. Doesn't mean I feel good about it, but I'm doing what's best for me, my wife, and my family. Oh and PS, it's what's best for you too, because if I continued to leave breadcrumbs, we'd probably end up back in bed with each other and what good would that do us since we both know the relationship isn't going anywhere?
Lillyfree Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 It's funny I'm sure a lot of wives say that quite often! The irony... i don't really see the point of this post. i've never been the one to dismiss the pain inflicted upon the BS. or to say that having an affair is a right thing to do. however, in this particular instance, OW is trying to keep away and heal, and the MM is hurting her by not letting her do so. and she turned here for support, in the appropriate part of the forum. 3
Catplates Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 That is not how I heard him at all. I think that's stereotyping that the MM is always evil incarnate and poor OW is his victims even if not the victim overall. Trust me I am his severest critic. I was ready to take my sister home to my place on DDay and told her to kick his ass. She is definitely NOT letting him off lightly but I'm even tougher. I do not know that I will ever forgive him. Loyalty is a big issue for me and he had none for her, and I have plenty. But he was crying with self loathing many times we talked through this. They (he and his wife) tend to misinterpret each other and jump to conclusions so sometimes they would talk through thigs with me do I could say "whoa!" I don't think he holds the OW responsible for HIS actions in the slightest. He holds her accountable for hers. For using children to get excuses to cross boundaries. For painting herself as "counselor" interpreting his wife (negatively, surprise surprise), and for feeding him lines she thought he should use in counseling (actually designed to piss her off and get her to give in and say oh yeah you're right we are done actually". He sees her as feeding him that stuff as evil, and him for accepting it as evil. Difference is he's on his knees begging forgiveness and a chance to prove he can be the good man he once was. She is containing to fish. Now I only put that because the stereotype of the M after DDay is so unbalanced. I'm not saying Promises xMM or any other Mm is like that. But evidently they do sometimes do the right thig in the end by their character and wife like Seren's H and my sisters H. Not all OW are the ones who were "naive" and "preyed on". Some Mm are too. And just like for OW it is no excuse. There is no excuse possible. But it is part of why R may be possible. I think many OW here at least project, or are in denial that R is always doomed or fake. I've seen behind the veil of a few reconciling couples and it can be that he is truly sorry, and truly had the capacity to regain his character. I will say that it seems no A had 2 such people. There always seems to be one who won't let go/continues to favor betrayal ad an MO. Sometimes it's the MM. Sometimes it's the OW. So what would have happened without the big DDay? Would he still have been remorseful and begging. Nobody is naieve or a victim in an affair. The exception is the MM who poses as a single man. I feel then the OW has fallen victim to a predator.
Catplates Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 The affair was a big FU to his wife..so I think it's option 3- I got caught, decided I wanted my life back, and you aren't as important to me as she is so I'm going to ignore you to make her happy. Doesn't mean I feel good about it, but I'm doing what's best for me, my wife, and my family. Oh and PS, it's what's best for you too, because if I continued to leave breadcrumbs, we'd probably end up back in bed with each other and what good would that do us since we both know the relationship isn't going anywhere? Is it not what is ultimately best for HIM because he got caught? 1
Got it Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I feel like at this point NC feels like a little bit of both to me. 1. A big fat FU - i.e.; We each hurt each other and it's just too painful for multiple parties to talk ever again. And, btw, FU. 2. Indifference. I'm moving on and you are no longer a priority. There have been many threads on NC lately. Which does it feel like to you? 1 or 2? NC means no contact. Silence is golden. Silence is healing. Silence means you don't get to have a piece of me, my mind, my thoughts, my feelings. Silence means you aren't worthy of an iota of me. Silence means you are insignificant. Silence is FU. NC means a full focus on you. 1
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