Author ScienceGal Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 End of NC day 2. I didn't cry today. I'm back to feeling mostly numb, but am still a little upset over the way he blew me off on Saturday morning. Looking forward to the day I come home and his things are no longer in the hallway. Maybe tomorrow, since he knows I work all day and he has the day off. That would be a small blessing. Then, there will be no other action of his I will ever know about. No more physical reminders. I went to the gym and now I am emotionally and physically spent. I'm off to bed, ever so thankful for the "do not disturb" function on my phone. Now, if I could only sleep through the entire night. Oh well, I guess we can't have it all 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 I am grateful that my life is about to get insanely busy. Its time to put all of my energy into something good, myself. YES. I went to the gym and now I am emotionally and physically spent. I'm off to bed, ever so thankful for the "do not disturb" function on my phone. Now, if I could only sleep through the entire night. Oh well, I guess we can't have it all Workouts will help you sleep better! And it boosts your mood and energy. I'm getting back to my workouts, too.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Looking forward to the day I come home and his things are no longer in the hallway. Maybe tomorrow, since he knows I work all day and he has the day off. That would be a small blessing. Then, there will be no other action of his I will ever know about. No more physical reminders. And get his **** OUTTA THERE!! At least put it away in a closet until it's gone so you don't have to look at it.
Missing Him Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Going to the gym has helped me a lot! When I first started going, I didn't have the energy or motivation to do anything other than walk around the track. I'd literally just spend hours walking around thinking about things. Now I feel like I've gotten my energy back and I'm doing actual work outs and I'm feeling a lot better in general. So I definitely recommend the gym as a way to help move forward! Weird that he sent you that list of things he misses about you. Good for you for not responding and for trying to just move forward.
arrowfoot Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Wow, can i just say...GO YOU! You handled that amazingly. Kept unreactive yet told him how you felt without begging, respected his wishes--how did you do that? lol This was an eye-opener for me though because I took the other route: begging, pleading, crying, yelling etc. and of course, he didn't take me back. And yet, even when you (seems like a similar situation, he wanted to be alone and thought he needed to work on himself) did everything gracefully and respectfully...he still didn't return. It's reassuring in that, no matter what we do, we can't change their minds. We can only move on. Hope things getter better.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Oh completely agree with above! I always thought from Watching YouTube and stuff that if my reaction was different. And I didn't cry and pleaded then he would be running back. But now I know he most likely Wouldn't. Why do they give us false hope. Saying that being calm an accepting the breakup nicely would bring the ex back...
Author ScienceGal Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) And get his **** OUTTA THERE!! At least put it away in a closet until it's gone so you don't have to look at it. One of the last things I wrote to him was that his belongings are in the hallway. So, I can't move them now since I have blocked him from everything. If I'm not home when he gets them (and I hope I'm not), he won't know where they are if I move them. And, I prefer he not go rifling through my place. (he has a key) Going to the gym has helped me a lot! When I first started going, I didn't have the energy or motivation to do anything other than walk around the track. I'd literally just spend hours walking around thinking about things. Now I feel like I've gotten my energy back and I'm doing actual work outs and I'm feeling a lot better in general. So I definitely recommend the gym as a way to help move forward! Weird that he sent you that list of things he misses about you. Good for you for not responding and for trying to just move forward. Glad you're back to the gym. As far as easing back intio it, I've been there. At times I've only been able to do a fraction of what I normally do, but it's better than staying in bed He sent me that list on Thursday and made me really think he wanted to work on the relationship. Message after message of "I want this with you" and "I miss this about you". He even wanted me to go over. I spoke to him that night and he was a mess. Crying and going back and forth about whether it could work. He agreed to get counseling and I really thought things might get better for us, at least better for him. Then he pulled back completely and on Saturday he said contacting me was a mistake and he was just having a hard night. So, I'm not perfect. I did send a few sweet messages about the past and that I still wanted to work on things. But, when he said "it's not a good time, I'm with friends" that was it. After being there everytime he needed to talk? No more. I did block him after that. I will not be jerked around. I have done all I can and I am certain of that. Wow, can i just say...GO YOU! You handled that amazingly. Kept unreactive yet told him how you felt without begging, respected his wishes--how did you do that? lol This was an eye-opener for me though because I took the other route: begging, pleading, crying, yelling etc. and of course, he didn't take me back. And yet, even when you (seems like a similar situation, he wanted to be alone and thought he needed to work on himself) did everything gracefully and respectfully...he still didn't return. It's reassuring in that, no matter what we do, we can't change their minds. We can only move on. Hope things getter better. Trust me, I was tempted to say "you stupid #%&*$! What is wrong with you? Get your head out of your a$$ and we can actually have something great here! You say you want to live with me, want to marry me, have kids with me? Grow the fck up then! Why are you being so weak, why are you giving up!" and on and on... actually, I don't speak to people that way, but it would have be easy to spout off a few times during our last phone call (so frustrating and BEYOND me why he can't pull himself together). I'm not sure anything I could've said would've made a difference. He either 1) doesn't care enough about me to really put the work in or 2) feels defeated and won't try any more. Either way he is gone and no amount of yelling, begging or bargaining will fix that. I've made all those mistakes before in a previous relationship, that's how I know what a bad choice they are Why do they give us false hope. Saying that being calm an accepting the breakup nicely would bring the ex back... It won't bring them back. No one can promise you that, so stop going on those websites that pretend to know. We've all been there. Heck, I've googled it at low points. You can freak out all you want, just not to ex. Come on here and tell us. Edited January 15, 2013 by ScienceGal
moontiger Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 SG--Awfully sorry to hear that this ended. I stopped by LS on a whim and wanted to see how you were and found your recent threads. I did hope you had met The One. I'm sure he was a nice guy; he didn't sound like a jerk. But he has not since the first posts you wrote about him last year sounded like a potential husband/father--and people don't change. If that was coming across in your posts, I think on some level you must have known it, too. So I don't think the end of this was about trust issues or anything you did wrong; it wasn't your fault--on the contrary, it speaks to your relationship skills that you were able to keep this one going as long as you did. And I guess he has trouble ending things and walking away, which is why there were all those weird inappropriate pseudo-friendships he had with previous ex-es, and even a failed marriage he couldn't walk away from. Don't go there. Let it go, with dignity and be open to the right person. Also, please don't reconcile with this dude. I know it is tempting and the dating world is scary, but I can see it's wrong and it will never go in the direction you want. You've really been through a tremendous amount in a couple of years. I know it hurts--been there done that. [Afterward I went through worse life events (e.g. serious illness in immediate family) that made the breakups seem like small potatoes, but at the time they were horrific, and I had never experienced anything worse]. You'll find The One, hopefully soon, and then I hope you'll have a long period of peace and stability and forget all the bumps and bruises of this time. That is (at age 33) what happened for me and I hope it gives you hope. Take real time off dating to clear your head. Because part of your dream is marriage and a family, when you date again, do your best to stick with men whom you know to be mentally, physically, and financially healthy. You aren't just looking for someone you have chemistry with; you're also looking for someone you can trust to build a life with and to be a partner in maintaining a home and raising kids. If I could do my 20's over I'd have realized that earlier.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) I am assuming he has been reading my posts on here since he did come pick up his things today (as I previously wrote I wish he would) and left a note telling me to never contact him again, and that he is moving on. I don't think I've posted anything offensive, although it has been an open portal into my thoughts during this emotional process. That's probably not helpful access for him to have while going through a separation. Honestly though, I am not going back to reread what might have upset him. It was his choice to read it, if in fact he did. If he is angry, he can be angry. I am still happy for what we had and sad that it's over. That's how I'm leaving. ((moontiger))! So glad you're still checking in here once in a while. I wasn't posting as often during my last relationship, but in times of turmoil, of course I am here again! Glad you're still in a happy relationship I really have had a couple bad years dating wise, but I do assume full responsibility. I seem to stay in a failing relationship and try to fix it, to some extent I think we all do it. The problem this time, is I didn't even try to fix it! I just kept letting time go on but didn't deal with the problems. I shut down and took the good moments while I could. He really is a sweet guy, and recently I did get indications he wants the same things I do, but we both got burnt out. We're both at a wall. I'm much more passive with anger and blame than I used to be. I have small moments of intense emotion, but they subside. I don't need to finger point, or get all the answers. Heck, the most recent ex is still seeing our separation much differently than me. But, I'm done trying to talk to him. It's breaking my heart. I don't want any more drama, or any more mistakes, I just want happiness. I think with each relationship I am gaining one more piece to the puzzle. 1) Relationship that brought me to LS: do not get into a toxic relationship. Lust and infatuation do not equal love. 2) Second guy: don't be with emotionally unavailable men. Or men that have been burned so badly that they are overly judgmental and compare you to their ex. (BUT, as much as I was offended about him telling me I have boundary issues, he was a little right. And, it's made me tighten up the perimeters). 3) Most recent ex: not sure I can accurately reflect right now. I'll have to look at it after sometime. Anyway, this message took the last of my energy for tonight. Here's to sleeping well Edited January 16, 2013 by ScienceGal
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Maaaan. You've sorta had a rough ride. Maybe lay off the dating or at least relationships for the next year or so. hang in there. Sucks to get the never contact me again note. But in the end it will make it easier. Just stings at first.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) Maaaan. You've sorta had a rough ride. Maybe lay off the dating or at least relationships for the next year or so. hang in there. Sucks to get the never contact me again note. But in the end it will make it easier. Just stings at first. year or so? That's long enough to forget all this wisdom I've gained! Seriously though, I am taking a break from the dating scene. (side note: I've never even dated, all my exes I met through mutual friends). What I want takes patience and time. I have a lot to offer the right person and I need to stop trying to morph the wrong person into Mr. Right. It's unfair to me and him. The most recent ex tried, in some ways, to be what he thought I wanted, but with the problems we had, I turned into an ice princess. That is so not me! I just have to let my heart mend, and get my head on straight. I have plenty to keep me busy until then. Edited January 16, 2013 by ScienceGal
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 year or so? That's long enough to forget all this wisdom I've gained! Ha. You can just reread it here...like you EX. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Today is the worst day since we separated. Probably because belongings have been returned and there really is nothing left. I don't want to be separated. I don't want this. Why did he give up?
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) Today is the worst day since we separated. Probably because belongings have been returned and there really is nothing left. I don't want to be separated. I don't want this. Why did he give up? Hang in there. After 3 weeks the worst part of the withdrawal will be over. Just remember this was the right thing to do for both of you even thought it doesn't feel like it now. Edited January 16, 2013 by cavalier99
Author ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Stupidly messaged him and asked if he is sure we can't fix things. He said yes and he is sorry. I really feel like I messed up. Why was I so passive during the relationship? He's really gone now and I could've done more to fix things. I knew we weren't communicating. I should've taken the lead and tried harder. He was inexperienced at relationships, but he was so good to me. What if I never find that again? 5 days ago he still loved me. I can't believe this is happening.
Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Don't blame yourself. It sounds like you put a lot of effort and communication into this one.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I am completely emotionally gone right now, in shock. Just have to let it out, no matter how irrational I might think it is later.
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) Well if you were going to break NC early on is the best time to do it. Listen i know this is rough. But it wasn't all your fault. He had a role to play also. Stop blaming yourself. If there is a lesson to be learned fine. But you need to be able to forgive yourself and him eventually. It is was it is. Okay. Don't go down the rabbit hole of self pity. And you know perfectly well you will find some one eventually. This is ridiculous thinking that you wont. We don't think logically early on. You are thinking emotionally. What you need is 3-4 solid weeks NC and you will be able to see things more clearly. Sorry your having a rough time. Cav Looks like we swapped roles for now....and in a few days ill probably be a mess and you will be talking me off the ledge like you did the other day. Lol thanks by the way. welcome to the emotional roller coaster! Edited January 16, 2013 by cavalier99
Author ScienceGal Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) The past two weeks we didn't go more than a couple days without contact. Each message gave me hope, or my "fix", as someone posted. I barely cried because I really thought he was going to come back and make things right. But while I was being a hopeful fool, he was crying, he was processing, and now it's over. He is "one million percent sure" (I asked using those words). I left it with "I understand you feel it's too late. All I can say now is I still love and miss you and feel in my bones this is a mistake. I will try move on now. I wish you all the best". He thanked me and wished me the best. My message was weak and pathetic, but I don't care. It'll save me the paranoid "what if he doesn't how I feel" thoughts later. I'll know that was the last thing I told him. And I'll remember that he is "one million percent sure". I had to kill the hope, I have too damn much of it. Now that I believe he is gone, it's going to start hurting. I've just started my ride on the roller coaster. God, I hate this ride. Emotion as the only other passenger, while reason and logic are waiting at the end of the ride. Edited January 17, 2013 by ScienceGal
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Please go NC and stay NC. You'll be tempted to tell him "one more thing" again, you've already done it a few times. He knows your position now, please try to stick with this and start the healing/moving on.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 I was holding onto the fact that his belongings were still here and that he was on the fence about the breakup. Both of those things are gone. There is nothing left to say.
Stoic44 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Thank you all for responding. This morning he messaged me saying that the conversation "wrecked" him and he didn't sleep well. He asked if we could meet for an hour tonight to lay some ground rules for how we're going to communicate. Two hours later he said to disregard the message and that he is just overtired. I responded: "It's ok. I was tempted to say yes, but not for the right reasons.. I am so sorry you slept poorly. I think the ground rules are we swap belongings and then go no contact. That's the only way for you to get better, and that's what you kept writing you want. i will not reach out or tell you what I am feeling anymore bc it's not fair to you. We're both vulnerable right now and I think seeing each other is is the equivalent of ripping a bandaid off and trying to put it back on again".... He agreed and we wished each other well. I feel bad for putting my wants and feelings into the messages last night. He is in a bad place and I was being selfish. I wanted to make sure I did all I could so i could walk away with no regrets. I see now that I need to leave him alone. It's worse for both of us to maintain any kind of contact right now. In terms of the pain, it's likely it's not over for me and I am just coasting right now. One day at a time. I think you did it right, ScienceGal. You got your feelings out there. That's the way to go. Don't keep them bottled inside, they will turn into anger and resentment. I wanted so badly to tell my ex (who went back to her ex) what I was really feeling. I told her I was paralyzed, hadn't slept much. That I thought we had all the potential in the world, and that she was throwing things away for something that previously failed. She apologized for bringing me any pain. She wanted to meet, bring me back my jacket. I was in too much pain to see her, so I told her that if she slept with someone else, it was over, as I make no compromises on loyalty or trust, and that, under the circumstances, we couldn't be friends. I would be there for her in an emergency ...but maybe not for the right reasons.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I was holding onto the fact that his belongings were still here and that he was on the fence about the breakup. Both of those things are gone. There is nothing left to say. I hope so. But the temptations to contact and try again are going to come back. They always do. You have to resist them now.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Stupidly messaged him and asked if he is sure we can't fix things. He said yes and he is sorry. I really feel like I messed up. Why was I so passive during the relationship? He's really gone now and I could've done more to fix things. I knew we weren't communicating. I should've taken the lead and tried harder. He was inexperienced at relationships, but he was so good to me. What if I never find that again? 5 days ago he still loved me. I can't believe this is happening. The worst thing you can do is blame yourself for no good reason. You may have made mistakes in the relationship, but so what, we all do. It's not down to one or two or three mistakes you made. No one who loves you would leave you for that. Come on. I told you after reading your communications with him, that this guy seems like a douche (sorry, I have to be completely honest, I know you love him, but that doesn't change the fact that he sounds like a douche), who was putting all the blame on you, gaslighting you, and manipulating you into feeling bad/guilty for this thing going downhill ,when in fact the real reason is that he doesn't want to commit, he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't give a sh*t about you. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't give a damn about you, makes you walk on eggshells (which you were doing during the talks you had with him after the break-up), makes you feel like crap? Or do you want to be with someone who makes you feel complete, who appreciates you for who you are? He made the decision without consulting you -- does that convey maturity? Love? Respect? He didn't even give you a mature discussion -- it was all about him him him, his problems, his issues, and then him blaming you for the fact that you even wanted to talk about this, because it made him into an emotional "wreck." Manipulation at its best. Consider yourself lucky , you dodged a bullet. This guy will never be able to have a proper relationship with anyone, except maybe a girl who is so insecure about herself that she will volunteer to remain his doormat for years. You don't want to play that role , do you? I hope not. I hope you have too much self-respect to do that. I love too much, but there are limits to my love. It ends where disrespect begins. Love should not be an excuse for getting rid of your dignity and doing everything that he wants you to do, just so that he'll be happy enough to want to stay in the relationship. That is not a goddamn relationship. I went through something like this, and it makes me very angry and frustrated when I read about how other women are being forced into situations like these, and blackmailed / threatened with break-up if they do not conform. You need to let go of this guy, and the quicker you do it, the better it is for you.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 17, 2013 Author Posted January 17, 2013 Stoic, The post you quoted was the last night he was "on the fence". Where would we be now if I had gone over to see him like he asked me to? But don't worry, nothing I'll need clarification on because I already got it! I told him two days after that I wish I had gone over he said "no, you made the right decision". Anything I needed to tell him has been said. I made sure of that.
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