Simon Phoenix Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Help! He is messaging me now about how sad he is and how much he misses me and how much he wants us to work!! This is sooo hard! Well this sucks and is why that conversation yesterday was a bad idea, especially the sales pitch. Wanting "us to work" could simply mean as friends or it could mean he wants to get back together. But if you got back together this instant, would anything really change from what it was? Neither one of you have had enough time off to really process what went wrong and how to evolve from it. I'd either do one of two things a) don't respond or b) respond and say you feel for him but it's best that we take time away from each other to clear your heads. Right now he's a rollercoaster and will take you for a ride. I feel for you.
na49 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 If I heard that from my ex I would have to respond. Screw NC, it's not like you've been NC for months and months. Respond and see what's up. It'll set you back more if you think you missed out on an opportunity to reconcile. See what he wants and post about it here. It may be friend zone, but it could be him wanting to get back together.
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I'm trying to calm him down and highlight why we didn't work. That there is no need to panic. Asked him what he wants right now and he said "you". Now he is apologizing for how unfair that is for him to say. Think he's having a rough time and really struggling. how about how you highlight how you both want to be together and don't want to lose eachother. breaking up seems stupid if you both feel this way. why can't you still give him space to work on all the things he needs to but you guys stay together? seems like neither of you actually want to break up, so i don't get it lol. that being said, if he TRULY doesn't want to be with you, then what he's doing his highly disrespectful and mean.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Yes, this is all my fault. I know. He wants me back, but is scared things won't get better between us. I'm trying to her him to seek counseling because we won't get better unless he does first.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 If I heard that from my ex I would have to respond. Screw NC, it's not like you've been NC for months and months. Respond and see what's up. It'll set you back more if you think you missed out on an opportunity to reconcile. See what he wants and post about it here. It may be friend zone, but it could be him wanting to get back together. The problem with this approach is that sure, they might get back together right now, but in a month or so she'll be back here in the exact same position. The goal isn't to get back together, the goal is to have a lasting relationship. Enough time hasn't passed for that to happen IMO. 3
Author ScienceGal Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Exactly.there is no plan... And there needs to be. He has agreed to seek counseling.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 There is no lack of love between us, but there are issues that cannot be fixed with a few extra hugs and kisses. Real change needs to happen, and I think counseling to address his depression/anxiety is a start. I might even go see someone too in order to sort my thoughts out. Right now, I just need to maintain clarity and be strong.
Missing Him Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 So has he suggested that he wants to get back together? Is he agreeing to seeking therapy with the idea that the two of you will get back together in mind?
Author ScienceGal Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 So has he suggested that he wants to get back together? Is he agreeing to seeking therapy with the idea that the two of you will get back together in mind? Yes. He wants to get back together and listed numerous reasons why. I agree, but I will not go through this again. He wanted me to go see him tonight, but i said no. It's hard to put feelings aside and use reason, but I have to. I will not be sucked in to a bad situation. I think there is hope, but we both need to put in the hard work to get back on track. We will start with counseling and see what comes of that.
Author ScienceGal Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) And... He's gone again. Deleted me from his contacts and FB. He loves me and wants to be with me, but "can't do this anymore" because it is killing him. I thought he was going to go to counseling and get some unbiased help. I thought we could work on things slowly after that. He said he wanted to marry me an have kids! I thought going NC and working things out for a while was the best option and he agreed. Now a 180? Wtf!! He cited that I could never trust him (I did say that before) and he cannot slip back into that situation. I said I do not want to either, which is why I didn't go over tonight. I said each bad event in the relationship was a product of prior problems that were never dealt with. I will not not pick at them all any longer. Has to be a fresh slate (or more fresh than the one we have) and a real plan to make it work. Maybe I am helping him let go as another poster wrote. One more step away tonight it seems. He is mentally gone right now, even referred to himself as feeling crazy. I think it was important for him to take a stance and gain a feeling of control and power. But, it didn't seem to make him feel any better. I'm worried. He wants to be with me, but he has lost hope. I get it, many people would walk away. And he promised this is the last time he will reach out. As cold as it might sound, part of me hopes so. Sigh. Edited January 11, 2013 by ScienceGal
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 And... He's gone again. Deleted me from his contacts and FB. He loves me and wants to be with me, but "can't do this anymore" because it is killing him. I thought he was going to go to counseling and get some unbiased help. I thought we could work on things slowly after that. He said he wanted to marry me an have kids! I thought going NC and working things out for a while was the best option and he agreed. Now a 180? Wtf!! He cited that I could never trust him (I did say that before) and he cannot slip back into that situation. I said I do not want to either, which is why I didn't go over tonight. I said each bad event in the relationship was a product of prior problems that were never dealt with. I will not not pick them all any longer. Has to be a fresh slate (or more fresh than the one we have) and a real plan to make it work. Maybe I am helping him let go as another poster wrote. One more step away tonight it seems. He is mentally gone right now, even referred to himself as feeling crazy. I think it was important for him to take a stance and gain a feeling of control and power. But, it didn't seem to make him feel any better. He wants to be with me, but he has lost hope. I get it, many people would walk away. And he promised this is the last time he will reach out. As cold as it might sound, part of me hopes so. Sigh. but when are YOU gonna take a hard firm stance? you're the only person you are in control of. tonight is another night of heartbreak. are you going to keep allowing him to want to fix things, and then change his mind like this? maybe it's time to stop feeding him (ie when he texts the next time, which you KNOW will happen soon). can you be strong and just ignore him? he's running this show and if i were you i'd be tired of it. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Does he have a family member or good friend he can turn to right now? If so, if I were you, I would ask him to get in touch with that person and stop contacting you. You don't need all this drama. A guy friend of mine has an ex like this, who would keep trying to pull him back in with her bouts of crazy, and it was so hard on him. It's not helping either of you.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 And... He's gone again. Deleted me from his contacts and FB. He loves me and wants to be with me, but "can't do this anymore" because it is killing him. I thought he was going to go to counseling and get some unbiased help. I thought we could work on things slowly after that. He said he wanted to marry me an have kids! I thought going NC and working things out for a while was the best option and he agreed. Now a 180? Wtf!! He cited that I could never trust him (I did say that before) and he cannot slip back into that situation. I said I do not want to either, which is why I didn't go over tonight. I said each bad event in the relationship was a product of prior problems that were never dealt with. I will not not pick at them all any longer. Has to be a fresh slate (or more fresh than the one we have) and a real plan to make it work. Maybe I am helping him let go as another poster wrote. One more step away tonight it seems. He is mentally gone right now, even referred to himself as feeling crazy. I think it was important for him to take a stance and gain a feeling of control and power. But, it didn't seem to make him feel any better. I'm worried. He wants to be with me, but he has lost hope. I get it, many people would walk away. And he promised this is the last time he will reach out. As cold as it might sound, part of me hopes so. Sigh. Can't say I didn't warn you. This guy is seriously messed up and/or manipulative. I'll definitely go with the manipulative. And what did you gain from giving him the benefit of the doubt? And you are STILL blaming yourself.... for the mess / manipulator that he is.... oh well... *shrug*
NoMoreJerks Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) but when are YOU gonna take a hard firm stance? you're the only person you are in control of. tonight is another night of heartbreak. are you going to keep allowing him to want to fix things, and then change his mind like this? maybe it's time to stop feeding him (ie when he texts the next time, which you KNOW will happen soon). can you be strong and just ignore him? he's running this show and if i were you i'd be tired of it. She is a co-dependent. She's playing his shrink, trying to fix him, all worried about him, even though she doesn't realize it's getting to HER head and making HER feel like crap. He's basically using her as an emotional crutch, playing with her head, and then discarding her at whim. She must cut her losses and completely ignore this guy. For good. Unless she wants to volunteer as his shrink... She should work on HER issues of co-dependence, because she seems to be volunteering to be kicked while already down, because of those issues. She is also letting the guy manipulate her and shift the blame onto her, even make her feel guilty for having a talk about their relationship problems that mature adults normally would have. I mean, come on, woman. Wake up! I understand that you love him and care about him very deeply, but there is a difference between loving someone on the one hand, and volunteering to be his doormat/abuse victim on the other. Edited January 11, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
Author ScienceGal Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I'm actually telling him to go see a shrink. I am not, nor do I have the desire to try to be one. I don't feel blamed or like I am being kicked when I'm down. Also, I don't think he is manipulative, he is just emotionally at his wits end. I've been there.. Desperate, flailing, needing something to change that would hopefully make it hurt less. It's not a nice place to be. Am I wrong for allowing the communication tonight? Maybe. It seemed hopeful and then it went to hell. Am I worse off? Actually, no. I feel the same as I have all day. Numb and dumbfounded. I feel like I've just switched off. If he reaches out again, I will recommend he lean on his friends/family, and not me.
cavalier99 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Hi Science Gal. I know I'm a relative new comer here and you have been thru this rodeo before on LS but here is my take and it is simple. You need to go back to the basics of a BU. It is OVER and doesn't seem salvageable and this dance that you two are doing is just causing more pain and suffering for both of you. All the ins and out of this drama is meaningless. You guys aren't together right now for X reason and inspite of trying in the past neither one of you are capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. So go hard core NC and get right with your self and gain some clarity. If it would work out it will be down the road a year or so after you both could heal and start anew. But i doubt that will happen after you have both moved on. Time to cut out the drama and get to work on recovering. Erase this guy out of your life. Block him, Cry, mourn ecetra all the standard stuff that you know by heart. ..and aren't doing
Author ScienceGal Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) I am a fcking idiot. I am so mad at myself right now. I reached out to him this morning wanting to get together this weekend. This is after spending all Thursday night being there for him, texting and talking on the phone while he was crying and a total mess! I didn't go over as he asked, but I didn't let him be alone either. But today, when I reach out, he is "busy and out with friends". Son of a B. We shared a few messages, but I didn't get nasty with him. Told him I was glad he's out with friends and that I hope he has a good time. Also, I had to block him from FB. He is unfriended, but emails can still be sent (and have been). So, I did it. And this is the last message he got from me: "You are now blocked. I just can't do this again. Talking to you Thursday gave me so much hope and then you turned on me again. I want you more than anything in this world, but you've given up again (on top of leaving me in the first place) and I need to stop looking at my phone every minute. I need to stop being here for you. You know where I live, so if you're ever serious about making this work you can find me. Until then, I guess this is another step away. So sorry. Goodbye, babe." I would be better today if I had gone NC immediately. I know this is my fault. Edited January 12, 2013 by ScienceGal
cavalier99 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Yeah. Sorry. Your hurting. Back to BU basics like i said. You know the drill. Welcome to NC again I think your prior successes made you think you could handle contact. You cant. Hang strong!
Author ScienceGal Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I just deleted him from my phone as well. Anger is actually good. I've been numb and calm with everything lately (complete denial). Hello, stage 2.
cavalier99 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) I just deleted him from my phone as well. Anger is actually good. I've been numb and calm with everything lately (complete denial). Hello, stage 2. While your feeling like this take advantage! ...go ahead and delete every email and text. I deleted 8 years of communication in like 20 minutes. Very liberating Also box everything up. Photos etcetera. Good luck. Erase him from your new universe. Sorry i know it is rough. You will feel better after 3 to 4 weeks NC and the worst of the addiction is over. Welcome to detox These few weeks will feel like years but time does return to normal. Edited January 12, 2013 by cavalier99
Author ScienceGal Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 While your feeling like this take advantage! ...go ahead and delete every email and text. I deleted 8 years of communication in like 20 minutes. Very liberating Also box everything up. Photos etcetera. Good luck. Erase him from your new universe. Sorry i know it is rough. You will feel better after 3 to 4 weeks NC and the worst of the addiction is over. Good idea! Thursday, he sent me about 50 things he misses doing with me (from my mannerisms/things I'd say, to things we'd done together). I don't need that crap, because that's all it is... his reminiscent crap! It doesn't mean a thing anymore. I'm done with words without action... I don't need that baggage. Emails are now gone, there weren't many. Mostly on FB and phone texts. They're all gone. Trying to figure out if I can block his email address on Yahoo. I boxed everything up already. It's been in my kitchen, but I just moved it to the hallway. I don't care anymore when he gets it.
cavalier99 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) Good for you! Remember don't go down the rabbit hole again. IT IS OVER. Pure self preservation and survival time! Put your self 1st ...OK. All his baggage will drag you into the pit. Don't go there EVER! Time to implement operation SCORCHED EARTH. LOL Good luck Edited January 12, 2013 by cavalier99 2
Author ScienceGal Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 I think I feel better knowing he has less ways to contact me. I slept very well last night and am heading out to breakfast with a friend soon. Then I have cleaning and studying to do (going to school part time to get Masters Degree). I'm back to feeling numb again, but I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. At least I will be able to focus and get things done today. I am grateful that my life is about to get insanely busy. Its time to put all of my energy into something good, myself. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 Sunday brunch? Cool! Have fun and not too much wallowing about the relationship. That what we are here for. lol . Rock on!
mutant Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 I think I feel better knowing he has less ways to contact me. I slept very well last night and am heading out to breakfast with a friend soon. Then I have cleaning and studying to do (going to school part time to get Masters Degree). I'm back to feeling numb again, but I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. At least I will be able to focus and get things done today. I am grateful that my life is about to get insanely busy. Its time to put all of my energy into something good, myself. It's brilliant that you will be super_busy and you are now pursuing a masters degree. I have also done the same and although i think of her alot, i am contented with the progress i am making.
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