I messaged him and I feel better

[ScienceGal]

It's a bit long.. BUT, In these messages, I accepted his decision multiple times yet still put my desire and intentions out there. I now have zero regrets and I do not have to think every message on my phone might be from him. I am still sad, but I feel much better about letting go! I welcome any thoughts on what I should (what you would) do, LSers. Thank you.

 

me: Hey

 

him: hey

 

me: how are you feeling?

 

him: I'm feeling well...however I don't think that we should be talking....

I'm sorry. I don't want to sound mean

 

me: it's ok. Just wanted to see if you were still planning to get your stuff this week

 

him: I am still working on putting your stuff together...it's taking me awhile to do it. I plan on just dropping it off in your house with your key if that's okay

 

me: Do you mind if I ask why we can't talk?

 

him: It's only been 3 days. you asked for a week

 

me: ok.

 

him:I really don't want to sound cold, but this isn't healthy for either of us

 

me: I am ok. I understand

 

him: are you ok...I know you just said it, but are you okay...

I just have been wondering that

 

me: Honestly, I am ok. I love you, but I accept that you do not want to try to make the relationship work.

 

him: there is more to it than that...

 

me: I have accepted it is out of my control

 

him: it has a lot to do with me. I have realized a lot over the past week

 

me:what have you realized?

 

him:Just some stuff....it may not sound nice so I really don't want to say it

I don't want to hurt you and it makes me sad to know I did, but I just need this right now

 

me: Ok. I am not sure what you mean. But, that's ok. If you've done things that would hurt me, I don't need to know

 

him: No. I didn't ever do anything that would hurt you intentionally that you don't already know about. this is about what was going on in my head.. you know I wasn't happy

 

me: I know. Neither was I. I see how it could be fixed, but I fully accept that you think it's too late. It was a terrible situation. Lots of potential, just awful though

 

him: Yeah I know you see it as it could be fixed...maybe that I just gave up on us.... but I needed to do this to save myself not from you

just from myself.

And my depression around you just made my depression even worse.

and I started drinking more and more.

and I wasn't happy with my life

you weren't happy with my job

then how could I

I need to make myself feel better and not rely on you or anyone else to make me feel better

I decided after Saturday night I am no longer drinking alone...because I am getting way to scared doing that...and I haven't been and I am starting to get somewhere

I can't do us anymore when I can't do me

I can't do us when I am horribly depressed and you tell me you can never trust me

I feel so helpless.

 

me: I can trust you. We both messed up.

 

him: You said that before too

after one of the times we had an argument

You said you can trust me

and I believed you

but then you just said it again last week and that was too much for me

I snapped inside

I couldn't handle it anymore and I needed to get away

it was just too many times hearing that when I already felt horrible for everything I ever did to make you not trust me

I was in a hole I couldn't get out of

 

me: I understand

 

him:I don't blame you...I am trying not to blame me

 

me: I feel awful that you feel that way. I trust you a lot.

 

him: I don't want you to feel awful. I'm sorry, this is not your fault

it's our fault, not yours or mine. I guess it's the last thing we can share....as emo as that sounds

 

me: I know you're done, you've given uP

 

him: I wish you wouldn't say that I have given up

that makes me sound....like I just threw you to the side

I burned out

I ran out of any way to try to be happy

I didn't want to do it

but I needed to

for myself...I will take that I was selfish even

but I didn't give up

This is seriously our 4th break up?

I really didn't think we would get past the one in Oct

I didn't give up though

 

me: We never made a real plan to get better

But, I am not here to try to convince you

 

him: I know you are not

I said a lot of stuff I shouldn't have

I should have just left it at not talking

and I'm sooooo sorry

I hate being home at night

 

me: Don't be sorry. Look, I love you. More than you know. And it's not about money, or what happened in the past, or what demons you have. It's about how you treated me day to day, the times we shared and what I saw for the future. I knew it was messy, but I never lost hope. I am not mad that you did

 

him: I wish you would have just showed me that more so when we were together. Even just by telling me that once

 

me: I know. BELIEVE ME I know

All I dream about is you

This is so different than any relationship I've had

 

him: you are breaking my resolve down like you have in the past. After we these horrible arguments, you have always come back to say things that melt my heart. you are probably the sweetest only after we break up....I don't understand.

 

me: I am not asking you to come back

I am saying we both failed

And we didn't fix it

I still want to though

But, I can let go. I can give you space. I just hate thinking every text is from you when I hear my phone buzz...

That's why I messaged you now to ask about your stuff

 

him: I understand

I look at my phone every minute

 

me: I don't know what else to say. There is a big empty hole beside me. What do we do?

 

him: I need to work on getting myself better

 

me: Then what?

 

him: I don't know. Maybe I'll drunk text you and say I miss you jk

 

me: no, you're not kidding

 

him: i know

 

me: I'm running out to get your snowshoes from my trunk. You will have one box, one bag, and snowshoes. If I forgot anything let me know

 

him: If we are meant to be together then it will just happen....if we aren't we both will see it. I just need this

as much as I don't want it

I don't know

we just have a lot of stuff to work though. I need to work on myself

and I think you need to work through things too

I am so sorry for hurting you

and I will always be sorry for hurting you

 

me: I know. You're telling me in a dozen different ways that it's over. I really do accept it now. I thought a few days would give clarity, and it has.

It's ok. I love you and respect your wishes. I will leave your stuff just inside my door. I won't be home until 3:30 tomorrow and 5 on Friday. You can stop by whenever you like.

 

him: thank you

 

me: I know that we should continue not talking to each other, but I will seriously always be here for you when no one else is. I really want the best for you....I know you just can't see that right now

 

me: I want you to be my partner, not my friend. Thank you for the offer though

 

him: well keep my number handy because a friend is a nice thing to have

I will talk to you later. g'night.

 

me: Take care of yourself. And, this is horribly, ridiculously, massively frowned upon pathetic... I will wait at least a few weeks for you. Then, I will move on. I believe in us, so I am going to give it that much. I love you.

Edited January 10, 2013 by ScienceGal

[xPiercethenikki]

That takes a lot, to be able to do that.. o;

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here~

[ScienceGal]

Thank you.

 

There was a typo.. at the end, he wrote this, not me.

 

him: I know that we should continue not talking to each other, but I will seriously always be here for you when no one else is. I really want the best for you....I know you just can't see that right now

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not trying to be mean, but this guy is telling you 20 ways from Tuesday that it's over. You really need to accept that and move on.

 

I know it sucks. But the sooner you move on, the sooner you'll recover, and then meet a man without substance abuse issues and depression! You deserve to be with someone who is ready and able to love you *hug*

[ScienceGal]

Everything you're saying is true, Ruby. I even wrote that he was telling me a dozen ways that it's over. Reading the words was so important to me though. I no longer expect him to message, or call, or show up with flowers (yeah right!). We only split a week ago, so it's not easy.

This conversation does not reduce my saddness, but the false hope I had just shriveled. I've regained some peace of mind. It still hurts, but I see his pain and struggles as so much more than myself and my immediate wants. He kept saying he needs to get better, and I truly hope he does.

 

Do you think I handled the conversation well?

Edited January 10, 2013 by ScienceGal

[Simon Phoenix]

Everything you're saying is true, Ruby. I even wrote that he was telling me a dozen ways that it's over. Reading the words was so important to me though. I no longer expect him to message, or call, or show up with flowers (yeah right!). We only split a week ago, so it's not easy.

This conversation does not reduce my saddness, but the false hope I had just shriveled. I've regained some peace of mind. It still hurts, but I see his pain and struggles as so much more than myself and my immediate wants. He kept saying he needs to get better, and I truly hope he does.

 

Do you think I handled the conversation well?

 

I think it was OK, though I have a sneaking feeling that there's going to be another conversation like it. I mean, you said you needed a week and didn't even last half that. Not sure I buy that you are able to walk away at this point. It was kind of painful to read, it did seem like you were trying to sell him on coming back even though you were stating that you knew it was over.

[ScienceGal]

I think it was OK, though I have a sneaking feeling that there's going to be another conversation like it. I mean, you said you needed a week and didn't even last half that. Not sure I buy that you are able to walk away at this point. It was kind of painful to read, it did seem like you were trying to sell him on coming back even though you were stating that you knew it was over.

 

I did say a week, which was today. He had asked to swap belongings this week and I agreed, I just asked him to let me know what day. When I didn't hear back from him, I took this as an opportunity to deal with that and to be as clear as I could be about my feelings. Everything I said is true.

 

I have done all I can, nothing is unsaid, and that is so freeing.

[ScienceGal]

And I was still selling.. that's a very accurate way of describing it. I had to do that for me though. I need to know I didn't give up too easily.

 

The hardest part for me will be ignoring his future advances. I'm awful at not replying.

Edited January 10, 2013 by ScienceGal

[Simon Phoenix]

I did say a week, which was today. He had asked to swap belongings this week and I agreed, I just asked him to let me know what day. When I didn't hear back from him, I took this as an opportunity to deal with that and to be as clear as I could be about my feelings. Everything I said is true.

 

I have done all I can, nothing is unsaid, and that is so freeing.

 

He said in the conversation that it was only three days and you seemed to agree with it, that's where I got that from. That being said, conversations like the one you had serve as a fix to a drug addict. You feel great now because you got your high, but I almost guarantee there's going to be something you are unclear on from his end or something you want to say on your end and you are going to want to contact him to get another fix. And he definitely knew you were trying to sell him, which wasn't the best thing to do. But whatever, it's done.

[ScienceGal]

3 days no contact, a week since the breakup. Either way, he requested his things and hopefully he gets them in the next couple days.

 

Maybe this is a temporary high, but I'm going to enjoy it and sleep well tonight. And, once his things are gone and I have my house key back, I will not contact him.

[Missing Him]

I'm going to give you my thoughts on this. Take them for what they are: thoughts from someone who is a little bit further along in an extremely similar situation.

 

I know that you think that you've now experienced closure, and perhaps you have, but from my experience, you haven't. In a few days, there will be something else. There will be one more thing that you think you can say to change his mind, there will be something in the conversation that you pick up on that you feel you didn't accurately address to him the first time... and you'll want to say something else. Maybe he will contact you in a few days and you'll get excited and misinterpret it as something more. What I'm getting at is, closure comes from within. What you're looking for right now is closure from the outside. You're looking for his words or his emotions to close the situation or to mend your broken heart, but closure truly will only come from within yourself.

 

You're also holding on to a possibility that your ex will change his mind, and you're holding on to it for three reasons:

 

1) He still clearly maintains feelings for you. The breakup was not so much about you as it was about him.

2) He has given you unintentional breadcrumbs. He lets you know that the NC is just as hard for him as it is for you, he gets offended when you suggest that he "gave up."

3) He requests a "friendship."

 

I experienced all of these same things. Replace your ex's "depression/anxiety" with my ex's "doubts because of distance" and I almost feel like we're the exact same people.

 

Here are some things to ponder about the above:

 

1) Even though he seems unsure about his decision, he arrived at this decision for a reason and most likely has been considering this decision for quite some time. Whatever the situation, he was unhappy in the relationship. And actually, because the breakup had nothing to do with YOU, he knows that if he reenters the relationship, nothing will have changed. He'll still be unhappy. The amount that you love him will not change his mind because it was never a factor in the first place.

 

I strongly believe that I (and you) did everything we could to be a loving, caring partner. The problem is internal in our ex's. You don't want to have to convince someone to be with you. From what I can gather, you're a smart, caring, lovely person and anyone would be lucky to be in a relationship with you.

 

2/3) He's not certain about his decision. Precisely because the breakup didn't have to do with YOU, he's going to try to keep you in his life as a friend so that if he does receive clarity about his own situation and he decides after all that you are what he wanted, he can come back to you. It sounds like you've made the right decision in rejecting a friendship. Your own self-esteem aside, without knowing it, he'll respect you more for this decision. People are attracted to strength and confidence. In turn, you'll respect yourself more.

 

As I said, our situations sound EXTREMELY similar. Everything that you did or said in this conversation, I did and said as well. And plus some, probably. You can't force yourself to give up hope or to "be over him." From my experience, going no contact without the "let's speak again in a week/maybe we can be friends eventually" gave me the best closure that I could have received. Removing myself from his life, and removing him from mine, helped me feel strong about the situation. Do I still hold on to hope that he'll come back to me? Sure (though I'm not even sure what I would do in that situation), but I think that that is something that will fade with time and distance.

 

The best advice that I got at the time was: allow yourself to FEEL whatever you want to feel. The end of a relationship isn't much different than a death. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and allow the process to happen. It'll all come together for you, but continuing contact with him, even if it's just to "say one last thing," will drag the process out.

 

I know that's long and I'm sorry if at any point it felt unsympathetic, because it's not meant to at all. I was in and am in an extremely similar situation and I know how tough it is. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I'm sorry that you're going through it.

 

Hope I've helped a little!

[XKatieX]

Wow. that is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry

Oh and btw I think you did the right thing by telling him everything you feel, at least now those emotions won't be bottled up anymore. I would breathe a sigh of relief.

Edited January 10, 2013 by XKatieX

[LostOne1]

I gotta say it will feel good for a few days and then the pain is gonna hit again. And then wanting to contact your ex will hit again. I had something similar happen with me and my ex. Everyone is right and it's good you didn't convince him. I tried and it didn't do anything. You can't change someones mind and feelings. They either sort it out themselves or it doesn't work out and you go NC and move on. There is no other solution sadly and I wish there was.....

[Gottabestrong]

Aww, Sciencegirl, I can feel your pain coming through your lines. And the situation sucks.

 

I know how you feel though and hope the feeling of closure lasts. I am in a similar situation and had a similar conversation with my ex after 10 days of NC. It did give me closure and I felt better about it for some time, but like Missing Him said, those feelings waned and now, a month later, I still miss him. But I also think that the conversation gave me some insights that I did not have before, so I am glad I had it. Just be prepared for the hurt and pain to come back before it gets better.

 

Hugs!

[ScienceGal]

Thank you all for responding.

 

This morning he messaged me saying that the conversation "wrecked" him and he didn't sleep well. He asked if we could meet for an hour tonight to lay some ground rules for how we're going to communicate. Two hours later he said to disregard the message and that he is just overtired.

 

I responded: "It's ok. I was tempted to say yes, but not for the right reasons.. I am so sorry you slept poorly. I think the ground rules are we swap belongings and then go no contact. That's the only way for you to get better, and that's what you kept writing you want. i will not reach out or tell you what I am feeling anymore bc it's not fair to you. We're both vulnerable right now and I think seeing each other is is the equivalent of ripping a bandaid off and trying to put it back on again".... He agreed and we wished each other well.

 

I feel bad for putting my wants and feelings into the messages last night. He is in a bad place and I was being selfish. I wanted to make sure I did all I could so i could walk away with no regrets. I see now that I need to leave him alone. It's worse for both of us to maintain any kind of contact right now.

 

In terms of the pain, it's likely it's not over for me and I am just coasting right now. One day at a time.

Edited January 10, 2013 by ScienceGal

[Emilia]

It sounds to me that you convinced him he wasn't really good for relationships and you have made him feel really bad about himself. He needs to work on himself I'm sure and there is a reason why his depression was getting worse around you but clearly your lack of trust hit him hard. I'm sure you were right not to trust him but it seems to me the two of you are not compatible. You made his issues worse and he couldn't make you happy so now he feels like a failure. Sounds like a codependent relationship that he got out of.

[NoMoreJerks]

Awwww, OP... That must've been painful, to have that conversation with him... I know how painful it is when someone doesn't reciprocate your feelings, or just doesn't want to work on the relationship anymore. He HAS given up, and I respect you a lot for having the courage to have rejected his offer to be friends. It's not an easy thing to do. I hope you will feel better. Hang in there. *hugs*

[NoMoreJerks]

It sounds to me that you convinced him he wasn't really good for relationships and you have made him feel really bad about himself. He needs to work on himself I'm sure and there is a reason why his depression was getting worse around you but clearly your lack of trust hit him hard. I'm sure you were right not to trust him but it seems to me the two of you are not compatible. You made his issues worse and he couldn't make you happy so now he feels like a failure. Sounds like a codependent relationship that he got out of.

How has she done that? He has issues, nothing OP said (as far as I can see), hurt him any more than HE chose to hurt himself by giving up on her and the relationship. Looks like he's guilt-tripping her. Sure, OP may have made mistakes, etc., but it looks like HE wanted out, so why is OP to blame for making him feel bad about it? That's like my ex , who told me he didn't want a serious relationship, even while he kept seeing me , spending time with me, and having sex with me , 5 months into what I thought WAS a relationship. Then, when I got a bit upset (even though I didn't tell him anything to make him feel bad), he accused me of trying to make him feel guilty. I'm sorry, what? It sounds like he was projecting -- he was feeling guilty for having used me and for telling me, in so many words, that he was now discarding me, or seeking my approval to keep on using me without giving me what I wanted in return (a committed relationship), but wanted to make me take the blame for the feelings of guilt. No way. OP didn't say anything in her conversation to make him feel bad/guilty. Her ex is just projecting and is trying to distribute the guilt evenly (or more onto her), especially in his subsequent mssg about how he feels "wrecked." I think he's being manipulative.

 

OP: do not feel guilty/bad about this. You did the right thing, IMO, and after HE gave up on this relationship (yes, he DID give up on it, despite what he claimed), he is trying to get you to take half (or more than half) of the blame for it. I think this guy is 1) a mess ; 2) a manipulative person. Usually, people who claim they are so lost, and confuse you so much , to the extent where you no longer know what is going on, why, and what they DO want, are quite manipulative. My ex was like this -- he kept giving a host of reasons, none of which were big enough to end the relationship, it just confused me even more than it clarified things, and it had the effect of making me feel guilty and bad , made me second-guess myself, and wonder what I could've done differently to prevent things from reaching the point of no return. But all along, the break-up was HIS decision, based on HIS priorities and HIS problems, not MY decision, MY priorities, or MY problems/mistakes. Stop feeling guilty about the way this relationship went downhill, or how you may have made him feel . He is an adult and he made decisions and will have to face the consequences -- painful as they may be for him. He is being immature and a jerk, by trying to pin part of the blame for his pain onto you. Do not take the burden any of that pain onto yourself. I am not saying, do not look at youself and do not learn lessons from this relationship. By all means, do reflect on the things you may have done wrong, but it takes two to tango, and it looks like he wanted out and considering the extent of his issues/problems, he probably would've wanted out regardless of whether or not you had been perfect and had done everything perfectly.

[Emilia]

How has she done that? He has issues, nothing OP said (as far as I can see), hurt him any more than HE chose to hurt himself by giving up on her and the relationship. Looks like he's guilt-tripping her. Sure, OP may have made mistakes, etc., but it looks like HE wanted out, so why is OP to blame for making him feel bad about it? That's like my ex , who told me he didn't want a serious relationship, even while he kept seeing me , spending time with me, and having sex with me , 5 months into what I thought WAS a relationship. Then, when I got a bit upset (even though I didn't tell him anything to make him feel bad), he accused me of trying to make him feel guilty. I'm sorry, what? It sounds like he was projecting -- he was feeling guilty for having used me and for telling me, in so many words, that he was now discarding me, or seeking my approval to keep on using me without giving me what I wanted in return (a committed relationship), but wanted to make me take the blame for the feelings of guilt. No way. OP didn't say anything in her conversation to make him feel bad/guilty. Her ex is just projecting and is trying to distribute the guilt evenly (or more onto her), especially in his subsequent mssg about how he feels "wrecked." I think he's being manipulative.

 

 

He sounded very thoughtful. It doesn't matter whether his feelings should be validated or not. The point is, they weren't right for each other. They were incompatible.

 

This is what the OP needs to remember. That's the bottom line.

[Survivor12]

I feel bad for putting my wants and feelings into the messages last night. He is in a bad place and I was being selfish. I wanted to make sure I did all I could so i could walk away with no regrets. I see now that I need to leave him alone. It's worse for both of us to maintain any kind of contact right now.

 

^^^Remember this.

[ScienceGal]

I don't take offense with anything posted here. (thank you for coming to my defense though, nomorejerks.. i haven't always been in a neutral place like I am now, and your words do matter). I am not trying to assign guilt to him or me, and I am so past pinning blame. I just know my words last night were about me and only me. I am ackowledging that in this case, I pushed too far. He already knows how I feel, yet I just had to reemphasize it. I used the fact that he requested to swap belongings as my "in". I used it to justify opening the conversation again.

 

He is in pain

He needs to "get better for himself"

He lost sleep because of my words

He has let go and I need to too

 

It's done for me. He can take as long as he wants to get his stuff that I have so neatly stacked in my kitchen. I have zero desire to reach out to him now because I know for a fact it is bad for both of us. There is no fixing the relationship, and that is crystal clear to me now.

Edited January 10, 2013 by ScienceGal

[Fryderyk_Franciszek]

I don't take offense with anything posted here. (thank you for coming to my defense though, nomorejerks.. i haven't always been in a neutral place like I am now, and your words do matter). I am not trying to assign guilt to him or me, and I am so past pinning blame. I just know my words last night were about me and only me. I am ackowledging that in this case, I pushed too far. He already knows how I feel, yet I just had to reemphasize it. I used the fact that he requested to swap belongings as my "in". I used it to justify opening the conversation again.

 

He is in pain

He needs to "get better for himself"

He lost sleep because of my words

He has let go and I need to too

 

It's done for me. He can take as long as he wants to get his stuff that I have so neatly stacked in my kitchen. I have zero desire to reach out to him now because I know for a fact it is bad for both of us. There is no fixing the relationship, and that is crystal clear to me now.

 

There is so much pain here....it is so sad. Best of luck at NC. It is always tough, but in this situation sounds best.

[ScienceGal]

Help!

 

He is messaging me now about how sad he is and how much he misses me and how much he wants us to work!!

 

This is sooo hard!

[Missing Him]

Help!

 

He is messaging me now about how sad he is and how much he misses me and how much he wants us to work!!

 

This is sooo hard!

 

What does "wants us to work" mean? Does it mean that he wants to get back together or is it just a feeling that he's throwing out there?

 

I can imagine how hard that must be

[ScienceGal]

What does "wants us to work" mean? Does it mean that he wants to get back together or is it just a feeling that he's throwing out there?

 

I can imagine how hard that must be

 

I'm trying to calm him down and highlight why we didn't work. That there is no need to panic. Asked him what he wants right now and he said "you". Now he is apologizing for how unfair that is for him to say. Think he's having a rough time and really struggling.