Doitright Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We've been living together for about 7 mos. We just got engaged about 4 days ago. He is a very withdrawn person. He is also 6 years younger than me (I'm 36, He's 30) so I try to remember that. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me. But, he is very emotionally unavailable. I mean our trip to Tahoe when he asked me was great. But, since we've been home, he has been almost rude. It makes no sense. He communicates with his friends (more women than men) much more than me. I kinda thought he would at least be more affectionate and loving right after he asked me to marry him, but no daytimes phone calls, no nightime spooning, not even one loving text since our trip. I feel so alone.
stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Hmm. I’m sorry to hear about this. Do you know why he asked you to marry him if he doesn’t seem overly interested in you or the relationship? Why did you accept his proposal? It seems like you need to really talk deeply with him about your feelings about the relationship. About how you feel within this relationship. If you do this, and he gets defensive or shuts down and won’t share with you, try to phrase your concerns as being about how YOU feel in the relationship, not about how HE is acting, as that can sound accusatory. In my opinion, being with someone in a loving relationship is about being able to, and WANTING TO, satisfy and fulfill your partner’s needs and desires, as well as having your own satisfied and fulfilled by them. It is give and take. It is not necessarily a FAULT of his if he views expressions of love and commitment differently to you. You count spooning at night, staying in contact throughout the day and whatever else as valid expressions and confirmations of love. He may not. He may have other views on that. You might feel that being in a loving, solid relationship means sharing intimately with your partner, above all others. He may not agree with that, and sees nothing wrong with spending more time or talking more with his friends than with his partner. In my personal opinion, his behaviour is NOT good. I would hate it, myself. But trying to be objective, as I said above, he may not have the same views as you and he may not be aware of how his behaviour is affecting you. Don’t “excuse” or validate anything he does or doesn’t do that you find unacceptable on his age, ok? He’s not a baby. If he’s old enough to be in an adult relationship, and to propose marriage, he’s old enough to treat his partner the way she deserves. Above all, if you are unhappy in a relationship in any way, you must (1) talk about it in depth with your partner, and (2) if nothing changes or you remain unhappy, think hard about what you want your life to be. Do not move forward and live in a marriage that makes you miserable and feel unloved. 1
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