stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I guess anyone who’s had a relationship with someone that has ended would have various places that are most difficult to be in…places you and your ex spent time together, etc. My hardest place is my own home, which really sucks. Because we were a long distance online / text relationship, I mostly spent time with him when I was at home, with access to my computer. I also spent a lot of time doing videos for him. Wandering around my house chatting to him, filming myself getting ready for work in the morning, putting away the groceries, lounging on the couch, etc. So every single room in the house is hard for me to be in without many distractions to keep my mind occupied. The hardest rooms are the study (where I spent so many hours on the computer with him) and my ensuite, where I got ready every morning “with him” (filming videos for him). It’s also hard for me to go to my local shopping mall because I filmed there as well, and spent much time texting him there.
Fryderyk_Franciszek Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I can totally relate. It is heard being anywhere where any of your senses remind you of ex. I just try to keep my mind off of things. Stay off of Facebook. Watch a new tv show that forces me to pay attention to it. My biggest problem is when I go to sleep and I am left alone with my thoughts. And I know my ex is not next to me. But everyday it gets better. And that's all there is to really think about. Tomorrow is just one more day that you are making it without your ex. Myself, I am going to try to get out more. Hang out with friends...which is usually pretty difficult with our schedules.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Yeah, I hear you. In a way, being in an online-only relationship like I was makes it easier, as I never held him or had him next to me in bed. At least I haven’t lost those tangible, physical aspects. I live in a different state from my close friends so don’t go out much. Never had much interest in having many friends or making many new ones (I do have a few where I live, but they’re always so busy so I hardly ever see them and I’m fine with that). I’ve always been a one-person type of girl. If I had a partner I was in love with, I didn’t need anyone else.
Just smile Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I understand, for me it's super hard we spent an incredible amount of time together and we live in the same town and frequent the same places. I really don't know where to go anymore ...every single place I go I'm reminded of him, I can't go anywhere, and when I turn on the damn radio every song reminds me of him. I feel as If I'm haunted. I go to bed with a sick uneasy feeling and awake with the same. I walk through my home and remember things and drive places or landmarks and remember them too. My divorce wasnt nearly as hard and I was married for 17 years and have four children.go figure.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Sigh. It is all so very hard right now for us. At least we have some support here. I feel like I'm haunted too. Or rather, that I myself am a ghost. Walking around the outskirts of my life but not living IN it properly anymore.
Just smile Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I know what you mean. To me, it's annoying. I hate feeling this way,and so and want normally to return , I want to be happy. I have kids and it is super hard. I feel better a bit today,,because something inside is telling my ex is hurting. I have no idea why I feel this way. I just do. And so what if I'm wrong, it's making me feel better lol... Hugs. Hope you feel better if not tonight than soon.
kristi628 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I shared a home together. He decide he was done and left. Now I'm left there until our lease is up sitting on our furniture and see all of his stuff everyday bc he never came back to get it. I sit on our couch look to my right and he's not there. I go to sleep each night in the bed we shared together for a year and wake up to him not there. It's incredibly hard. I try to spend as little time there as possible. Which is difficult in a city where I have no family or friends. Each day hurts a little less. You have your bad days and good days. On the most difficult days I come on here as vent. It helps
Author stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) It brings you some comfort or relief to think your ex might be hurting? Why is that? Satisfaction? A tiny negative version of the care he used to give you when you were together? A shred of potential interest in you (if he is hurting, he must still be thinking of you, etc)? I only ask this because I don’t think this would help me. I don’t want my ex to hurt. I of course want him to CARE about me, but I already know he does. He’s told me he’ll always love me and that I am his only true wife (not his real wife who he lives with). I do believe him even despite everything. But that brings me no comfort really, because he’s still not WITH me, is he? Also, you say you’re annoyed that you feel the way you do? Like a ghost in your own life and mind? I understand that. My own feelings of that don’t actually ANNOY me. They sadden me and make me incredibly uncomfortable, but they don’t annoy me. If they annoy you, how come you let them? I think this is a transition point that can only come with time, and it’s definitely not quite come for me just yet – but it is the fact that at some stage in the grieving process, you have to switch your self image and worth from him back onto your own self. In my own situation, I have lost a heap of weight I didn’t need to lose in the first place and I have gained a slight satisfaction from this. Even though he’ll never see me looking like a skeleton, it’s almost as if I can blame him for how I feel. Like I can say LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. But why should he be responsible for ME? Even when we were together he shouldn’t have been responsible for my feelings, and certainly not now. Only WE are responsible for our feelings and our happiness. If you are sick of feeling bad because of him, then feel better (somehow). How? I have no idea. Lol Cause I don’t know how to do it either. But why give them the satisfaction (not that they know about it) of feeling bad? Why hope that THEY are feeling bad? It’s all fruitless. Edited January 10, 2013 by stevie_23
Just smile Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 It brings you some comfort or relief to think your ex might be hurting? Why is that? Satisfaction? A tiny negative version of the care he used to give you when you were together? A shred of potential interest in you (if he is hurting, he must still be thinking of you, etc)? I only ask this because I don’t think this would help me. I don’t want my ex to hurt. I of course want him to CARE about me, but I already know he does. He’s told me he’ll always love me and that I am his only true wife (not his real wife who he lives with). I do believe him even despite everything. But that brings me no comfort really, because he’s still not WITH me, is he? Also, you say you’re annoyed that you feel the way you do? Like a ghost in your own life and mind? I understand that. My own feelings of that don’t actually ANNOY me. They sadden me and make me incredibly uncomfortable, but they don’t annoy me. If they annoy you, how come you let them? I think this is a transition point that can only come with time, and it’s definitely not quite come for me just yet – but it is the fact that at some stage in the grieving process, you have to switch your self image and worth from him back onto your own self. In my own situation, I have lost a heap of weight I didn’t need to lose in the first place and I have gained a slight satisfaction from this. Even though he’ll never see me looking like a skeleton, it’s almost as if I can blame him for how I feel. Like I can say LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. But why should he be responsible for ME? Even when we were together he shouldn’t have been responsible for my feelings, and certainly not now. Only WE are responsible for our feelings and our happiness. If you are sick of feeling bad because of him, then feel better (somehow). How? I have no idea. Lol Cause I don’t know how to do it either. But why give them the satisfaction (not that they know about it) of feeling bad? Why hope that THEY are feeling bad? It’s all fruitless. It was definitely a transition my friend. I wasnt always annoyed and if you read my previous posts my story is a long one. Yes I loved this man.but unfortunately it was very one sided . And he didn't treat me very well... I do relish in knowing he was hurt. This man turned his back on me and left me during the holidays without a care in the world all awhile visiting an old girlfriend while I was sick rolled up In a ball of depression, so yes I'm annoyed with my behavior. I'm a mother and need to wipe this diet off of me and move the heck on. Yes, we all hurt,and I'm still hurting badly but it annoys me to feel this way daily. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Feel,better. And if that is hoping he is hurting than so be it?.. Hope I've made sense
Just smile Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Wipe this dirt off of me. Damn ipad.sorry for typos
Author stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Ahhh, I see. Well, if he treated you badly during your relationship, then I now understand why thinking of him hurting would feel really good. Good for you, in that case. My ex, he was nothing but amazing to me during our time together. That makes it harder, but also easier, to have lost him now.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 My ex was amazing to me during our whole relationship. Sure, there were a few blips where he had trouble dealing with his life and trying to balance “our” life (online long distance affair) and his “real” life. He hurt me with his reactions to events in his life at times, but I understood his reasons and he had always treated me wonderfully. But the way he has now ended it, is really hard to reconcile with how he treated me the whole almost 2 years we were together. Just threw me away suddenly and didn’t even tell me he was trying to move on. That just doesn’t make any sense based on everything else he’d been to me. But anyway…my point is…do you consider it more important… (1) How they behaved and treated you while you were a couple? OR (2) How they treated you when they broke up with you and immediately afterwards? My best friend (who is also my first ex from back in my early 20s) had a 7 year relationship after our’s ended and they were engaged and all was great, but then her ex abruptly left. Moved out. Told her she wasn’t in love anymore and was too young to be tied down to domesticity (there was a 7 year age difference) and had to explore and live her life. She had made plans already to move out and had a place and a flight to London ready before telling my best friend about it. My best friend was obviously shocked and hurt and SO very angry for a REALLY long time. They broke up back in 2007 and only in the past 6 months have she and her ex become sort of friendly again. I once said to her when we were discussing how she hated her and couldn’t understand why I didn’t hate her, that I considered it was more important how she treated her while they were together, NOT afterwards, even though of course I thought she could have handled it better. I think my friend now understands that more, but now based on my own recent hurtful experience with my ex, I am questioning whether my theory is true.
Just smile Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 My ex was amazing to me during our whole relationship. Sure, there were a few blips where he had trouble dealing with his life and trying to balance “our” life (online long distance affair) and his “real” life. He hurt me with his reactions to events in his life at times, but I understood his reasons and he had always treated me wonderfully. But the way he has now ended it, is really hard to reconcile with how he treated me the whole almost 2 years we were together. Just threw me away suddenly and didn’t even tell me he was trying to move on. That just doesn’t make any sense based on everything else he’d been to me. But anyway…my point is…do you consider it more important… (1) How they behaved and treated you while you were a couple? OR (2) How they treated you when they broke up with you and immediately afterwards? My best friend (who is also my first ex from back in my early 20s) had a 7 year relationship after our’s ended and they were engaged and all was great, but then her ex abruptly left. Moved out. Told her she wasn’t in love anymore and was too young to be tied down to domesticity (there was a 7 year age difference) and had to explore and live her life. She had made plans already to move out and had a place and a flight to London ready before telling my best friend about it. My best friend was obviously shocked and hurt and SO very angry for a REALLY long time. They broke up back in 2007 and only in the past 6 months have she and her ex become sort of friendly again. I once said to her when we were discussing how she hated her and couldn’t understand why I didn’t hate her, that I considered it was more important how she treated her while they were together, NOT afterwards, even though of course I thought she could have handled it better. I think my friend now understands that more, but now based on my own recent hurtful experience with my ex, I am questioning whether my theory is true. Believe me it wasnt ALL bad. He was up and down with emotion with a good heart deep down somewhere underneath all his issues. He took me on beautiful trips first class all the way, beautiful jewelry ,dinners, out weekly,broadway shows, vacations galore. I've never traveled so much in four years than I've done my whole life He showed me the world. We laughed ALL the time until we cried. The fun was there, as I type this I cry a little because I do want to remember the good right now. Because it as never ever consistent and in my eyes, real love true love never ever died and they don't walk way and give lame excuses as to why they can't function with you or blah blah blah.
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Wow...I thought I was the only one going through this. You are absolutely right the hardest place is the home. My ex and I use to live together and when we broke up I left my own house so that I can get away from the "ghost" that was once us. There are so many memories that it scares me to go back there. In my situation, I have been 3 months post BU of a 9 year relationship. I'm so scared to go back home that I'm in the process of buying another house somewhere else so that I dont have to deal with the memories. All I can tell you that it does get better. I dream and think of my ex every single day. When I was in the first month of the Break Up it would devastate me. As time goes on you do get better. Not a day goes by that I dont think about her but its different now. I still think and dream about her but it doesnt bother me as much as it use to. I do get sad every now and then but it lasts only a short time then I'm over it. Your breakup is still fresh and the feelings are still raw but take it from someone who is further along. It gets a lot better. You can function and when you think about your ex it doesn't bother you. I dont know how to explain it but its like a mild sadness. Nothing as bad as it was at the beginning of the break up. Just stay strong go maintain NC and know that it will get better.
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