Am I a doormat ?

[simonoz]

Let me start by saying, in my opinion I am a very nice guy. I am am all heart and sometimes lead with it, maybe too much.

 

Anyway, divorced 2 years ago and have been dating a woman for the last 12 months. When its good its fantastic, when its bad its horrendous. Out of the two of us, I am the touchy feely one, I'm never cold.

 

During the last 12 months, on facebook, I communicated with a woman about 4-5 times. Completely vanilla, nothing untoward. One time however we did chat, as opposed to wallposts, about jealousy. I had posted a comment for all the world to see that life is hard,and she had responded, as did others. What I was trying to do, in my mind,was figure out why I was being jealous with my gf. This woman online pointed out that this was really my first experience in dating in maybe 20 years,so it was most likely just that I didnt know how......or I was reverting back to when I was in my 20's.

 

Long story short, I never told anyone about this chat. I didnt even think about it. A hand fullof times this woman when message me, keep your chin up, pullout of any depression etc.......bottomline,it was a helpful conversation and not teh start of some illicit online affair.

 

My gf found out about it 2 months ago. I explained it all. It fellon deaf ears. I understand that from her perspective I deceived her, but in reality I wasnt doing anything bad. But my ignorance in forgetting about it made it something.

 

Now, for the last 2 months.....my gf goes ape every few days. her mind races with imaginary tales of deceit. She screams at me every 3-4 days. She wants to know......I NEED to know what you were doing, over & over again. We have a few great days, then I get a random call and BANG, its on again. She screams, says vile things, throws things at me.

 

I have repeatedly and emphatically apologized, understanding that talking to this woman was a bad judgment call. Understanding that my ignorantly hiding it I was hurting her. I have explained 100 times in the last month that it was nothing. I have explained 100 times that I am sorry. I have explained 100 times just how much my gf means to me, how I feel about her, that I would never ever cheat, never do anything untoward. She has often told me she believes that.

 

But every few days, I get these calls. Bad calls. She wants to know.....theres more to this story & she needs to know it all. No matter how much I tell her there is nothing more, I am defending myself every few days.

 

Its soul destroying. In a way I wish there was more to the story, it woud lmake more sense to me. But there isnt.

 

And so now.....some two months later, i have a few great days and then 2 days of screaming, cold shoulder. Nothing I have ever said, owned, apologized for, learnt seems to stop it. It is literally ripping me apart. I am and have always been a very happy person, but now I seem to have lost my mojo, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

I do understand she is hurt and I have acccepted that & owned it. But what else can i do? How long can I keep being verbally abused? I never

ever want us to break up......but maybe I break before that even happens.

 

My mum, a few friends, are calling me a doormat. 2 months is enough to apologize. I dont want to lose her so I guess I am acting like a doormat. But what else can I do ?

 

Cheers in advance, oz

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. Lottsa experienced and helpful folks here. A great place to vent, get listening ears & gather courage.

 

End it now. Cut your losses and misery. This situation you face is less about your action and mostly about an insecure, emotionally unstable girlfriend. You cannot fix her. Listen to your mom & friends.

[CptSaveAho]

You're paying for crimes you didn't commit... she probably had ex's in the past that cheated on her and she's taking it out on you

 

You didnt commit any crimes... you asked for advice, there's no need to apologize to her for what you were doing

 

She's a bad apple...Time to head for the hills and find a new gf

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

You might wish to read and reflect upon this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/366543-abundance-vs-scarcity-mentality

 

I don't know that it's so much that you're a doormat, it's more that you haven't experienced variety since your divorce and the companion dynamic may seem a bit scarce to you and you hence desire to hang on to it, even in the face of instability.

 

If you're saying you're the 'touchy feely one', like that is the antithesis of your GF, one more reason to examine that scarcity dynamic. Fundamental differences in emotional style portend for more serious issues downstream, some of which you're already experiencing.

 

Spend some time browsing the site and gathering information, then form a plan of action with regards to next steps. There are many choices available; many potentials. Gather advice, opinion and information and then act. It'll work out.

[sillyanswer]

But what else can I do ?

 

Tell her you're ending the conversation if she doesn't behave like an adult, then hang up the phone. Repeat as necessary.

[Balzac]

" How long can I keep being verbally abused? I never

ever want us to break up......but maybe I break before that even happens."

 

Self preservation rules. Allowing this woman to destroy you equals suicide.

 

Talk here. Tell us about you, how you got into this mindset.

[HitMeNow]

She knows you're gonna just apologize so why not scream at you one more time and make her feel better?

 

Just man up and be bold next time. If you don't think there s anything wrong with what you did then tell it to her face. No apologies. If she wants to leave... too bad

[2sunny]

Since you are ALLOWING unacceptable behavior (yelling, throwing things at you ) - you've given her the idea that this is acceptable behavior to you.

 

That kind of abuse is never acceptable.

 

We train people how to treat us - you've trained her that she CAN abuse you and you will stay.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Maybe you don't know where your healthy boundary is - if not, it's best to decide exactly what that is for you! Then if and when anyone ever crosses that boundary that's there to keep you happy, healthy and safe - you take steps to allow them to understand its unacceptable that they crossed your boundary.

 

And with that boundary you need to understand how to eliminate people if and when they aren't willing to respect the boundary you set for yourself.

 

It may help to write out exactly what that boundary looks like - for you.

[imfine]

Perhaps her irrational behavior stems from your initial problem with jealousy of her. Did you have problems with her communicating with guy friends? Did she give up guy friends to appease you? A double standard doesn't sit well with anyone. Especially since you were discussing issues in your relationship with your GF with another woman. Not everyone wants their private life discussed with a random FB friend.

[simonoz]

" How long can I keep being verbally abused? I never

ever want us to break up......but maybe I break before that even happens."

 

Self preservation rules. Allowing this woman to destroy you equals suicide.

 

Talk here. Tell us about you, how you got into this mindset.

 

Thanks for your words Balzac. Look, I dont know how far my mind willgo, but I'm not me anymore. The handful of friends I have all keep saying the same thing ~ when you get your swagger back im going to punch you in the mouth, but for now.....please stand up!"

 

Tell you about me? Soon to be divorced, moved out 2 years ago after 13 years. The last few yrs of the marriage took a toll, but I didnt realize it until after I left. Always outgoing, friendly & fun.....born & raised in Australia......we seem to have the copyright on "she'll be alright mate"

 

But yes, the div took a toll. Have now been with this woman for 12 months. Everything about her thrills me. I simply love being with her. BUT.....and here is the rub.....I am an old romantic at heart. I prefer to be in love than not, although its only happened to me a handful of times in my life. And when she reacts, as she has done now for two months, over & over again, I find myself defending all the time. Defending a very small mistake in my opinion. But I am always trying to fix her. show her that there is, never will be.....anyone else. IN doing this for two months, I think I have become somewhat of a doormat. I take the yelling & screaming and try to fix it.

 

......and now I seem to have lost my smile. Now I find myself walking on egg shells. Now I find myself in constant battle. And, I think its breaking me.

[simonoz]

Since you are ALLOWING unacceptable behavior (yelling, throwing things at you ) - you've given her the idea that this is acceptable behavior to you.

 

That kind of abuse is never acceptable.

 

We train people how to treat us - you've trained her that she CAN abuse you and you will stay.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Maybe you don't know where your healthy boundary is - if not, it's best to decide exactly what that is for you! Then if and when anyone ever crosses that boundary that's there to keep you happy, healthy and safe - you take steps to allow them to understand its unacceptable that they crossed your boundary.

 

And with that boundary you need to understand how to eliminate people if and when they aren't willing to respect the boundary you set for yourself.

 

It may help to write out exactly what that boundary looks like - for you.

 

2sunny.......wow, profound & deep words, that kind of cut to the core. But entirely on point. Yes, its something that I really need to figure out. To go froma guy that travelled halfway round the world, on his own, 20 yrs ago....fearless.....to walking on egg shells every minute of every day is quite the turn around. But i get stuck on love. I can count on three fingers in my life when I have felt this way. This woman, I would do anything for. Maybe thats not healthy, I dont know. Trying to make her realize it as well is like a fulll time job. But I see the other side as well.....this man she has now, that takes it & defends over & over again, is not the guy she first met. I have to get that in my head.

 

The verbal abuse. Well.....I guess when my marriage ended I got used to that, a lot. The last few years was a constant drone of yelling. So maybe I have become accustomed to it, I dont know. In my mind, my girlfriend has scars....and I think everyone meets for a reason. I think I was meant to meet her. She needs someone like me. Crap.....I'm sounding doormatish again. Easier to think & feel than write down. Look....I can take a lot, and I will, if someone like her completes me. And she does. So it is what it is I guess.

 

Thank you for your words, its appreciated.

[simonoz]

Perhaps her irrational behavior stems from your initial problem with jealousy of her. Did you have problems with her communicating with guy friends? Did she give up guy friends to appease you? A double standard doesn't sit well with anyone. Especially since you were discussing issues in your relationship with your GF with another woman. Not everyone wants their private life discussed with a random FB friend.

 

imfine.....I did actually. She communicates sporadically with a number of exes. One in particular she texts every week. For months I let it get to me. I hated it. Still do actually. But I decided a few months ago that I cant live like that. I cant tell her who to talk to.....or maybe I just couldnt let my mind get stuck on it, so I dropped it, never mentioned it again. I finally figured out that I cant control......if she was gonna screw up, no amount of having my mind get screwed up BEFORE it ever happened was ever gonna change that. It was just something that I finally learnt.

 

Note that this doesnt go both ways. Sadly I know that. If an ex contacts me she thinks innuendo all the time. Even though there is NO reason for it. Ive accepted it as one of life's uneven things......

[simonoz]

Welcome to LS

 

You might wish to read and reflect upon this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/366543-abundance-vs-scarcity-mentality

 

I don't know that it's so much that you're a doormat, it's more that you haven't experienced variety since your divorce and the companion dynamic may seem a bit scarce to you and you hence desire to hang on to it, even in the face of instability.

 

If you're saying you're the 'touchy feely one', like that is the antithesis of your GF, one more reason to examine that scarcity dynamic. Fundamental differences in emotional style portend for more serious issues downstream, some of which you're already experiencing.

 

Spend some time browsing the site and gathering information, then form a plan of action with regards to next steps. There are many choices available; many potentials. Gather advice, opinion and information and then act. It'll work out.

 

carhill.......interesting photo santa. Thanks mate, I appreciate that & your time. I do hear what you are saying, and I read the link. I hope its not the case. I would hate to think that I'm hanging on, in the face of adversity, due to a fear of 'scarcity'. Your words though hit home mate. I need to think about that. Cheers, much appreciated.

[imfine]

Then you are the one being served up a whopping double standard. I'd send her packing. My experience after divorce taught me I'm better alone than miserable with someone. How will you ever meet a nice, mature, compatible woman if you continue to ignore your needs by staying with this one?

[2sunny]

Love doesn't look like what you've described.

 

Verbal abuse and throwing things - you should be calling the cops!

 

And walking around on eggshells - no way is that love.

 

When you have to give up you (and your ability to smile) to be loved - you should know it's already over!

 

Being in love with someone should include that person making you feel like a BETTER man than you ever thought you were capable of being.

 

She's trying to beat you down - and that's NOT love - that is abuse!

 

Your idea of loving someone is very unbalanced - seek help in understanding how not to choose this kind of gal anymore.

 

A woman who loves and respects and honors you would never treat you that way.

 

Stop allowing it - end it as soon as possible.

 

Know you deserve better - find out why you settled for so little.

 

Best wishes.

[Frogwife]

 

Tell you about me? Soon to be divorced, moved out 2 years ago after 13 years. The last few yrs of the marriage took a toll, but I didnt realize it until after I left. Always outgoing, friendly & fun.....born & raised in Australia......we seem to have the copyright on "she'll be alright mate"

 

But yes, the div took a toll. Have now been with this woman for 12 months. Everything about her thrills me. I simply love being with her. BUT.....and here is the rub.....I am an old romantic at heart. I prefer to be in love than not, although its only happened to me a handful of times in my life. And when she reacts, as she has done now for two months, over & over again, I find myself defending all the time. Defending a very small mistake in my opinion. But I am always trying to fix her. show her that there is, never will be.....anyone else. IN doing this for two months, I think I have become somewhat of a doormat. I take the yelling & screaming and try to fix it.

.

 

So you are not divorced - you are still married? And from reading about your soon-to-be-ex wife - it sounds like your new girlfriend has a lot of the similar characteristics.

 

My two centimes: Being separated is NOT divorced. I say this as someone who has been separated for two years and am not legally divorced - for me, it's been purgatory of the worst kind. Not single, not married. As much as I *think* I want a "real" relationship, I'm just in no place emotionally to offer much to anyone. Even though I left my husband, I am still very sad about the failure of my marriage. I think people need time after the divorced is FINALIZED to be alone, reflect on how they got there and what they want in the future in order to move on to a healthy new committed relationship.

 

If everything about her *thrills* you - including this horrible behavior - and you "love being in love than not" - then you are probably inviting these types of relationships - with high highs and low lows because they are hot and exciting and a little unreal. People on this site complain all the time about men being a**holes and women being b*tches, etc. yet it appears that they choose the sames types of relationships over and over, thereby always actively choosing and participating in and feeding into their own drama and heartache.

 

All relationships have ups and downs, but life is TOO SHORT and there are too many people out there to suffer these types of ups and downs. End this relationship, let your divorce be actually finalized, take some time for yourself, try to find out why you tolerate and participate in these types of relationships and then you will be ready for something healthier and happier.

[simonoz]

Frog.....I do appreciate your words. And maybe you are right, maybe I'm not ready. Maybe.

 

But in my heart & soul I believe that I am. I do recognize that life is short. And I also recognize love. When a person can blow your whole world away just by being with them..........then that is not something I can walk away from. It happens so rarely. And not always at the most opportune time. Does anything in life? We cant pick & choose who we meet. We cant pick & choose who blows our mind. It cant be calculated, forseen nor can we ever be ready for it. But when it happens, on that odd occasion.....you run with it, as best you can and with everything you can. If it doesnt work, so be it.....but it will never not work because you held back, just in case you werent ready.

 

I do understand what you are saying.I just, at 45 yrs old, still believe that love rules everything.Dumb......maybe. An emotion I ever want to let go of......never. Cheers.

[EasyHeart]

Run. It won't get better and it will probably get much worse. I dated a woman like this and she's the one who sent me to LoveShack!

 

TThe handful of friends I have all keep saying the same thing ~ when you get your swagger back im going to punch you in the mouth, but for now.....please stand up!"

Women like this will destroy your confidence. It's because they destroy your ability to determine cause and effect.

 

to walking on egg shells every minute of every day is quite the turn around.

You said the magic words!

 

Look up "Borderline Personality Disorder" and see if any of it sounds familiar.