Extremely complicated and messy

[a Monster]

I know this text might be controversial but I am serious about everything I am saying here.

 

I expect people who attack me to be handled by the mods. I explicitly say I do not intend to commit any crimes at this time. Also, my only medical diagnosis is BPD (which I think is bs anyway).

 

In order to understand this text you must know I've suffered from involuntary celibacy from most of my life- a condition in which you are unable to obtain a partner or even causal hookups. What's even more important is that it affects me devastatingly. If you don't understand this you will not understand this text.

 

I was bullied in elementary school, a lot. Even though I had some friends it was pretty much hell. I am mentioning this to explain why I had no contact with girls and was very shy. All of my friends were like that too.

 

In junior high I first developed depression. There was no more bullying but I was a shy, traumatized kid who only had one friend. First time I wanted to kill myself was in autumn 2003, first year of highschool. I got involved in a completely nonsensical “relationship” with a girl living 150 miles away who I met online. She was 4 years older and we never ever saw each other. Today I see how irresponsible and stupid she was, playing a text message “girlfriend” to a completely cluless kid. When she finally saw it made no sense she started ignoring me and finally insulted me, calling me stupid. I was a devastated 15 year-old kid. But that was just the beginning of the beginning.

 

In early 2004 somebody suggested I should try SMS dating service. So I did. Unfortunately, my extreme shyness prevented me from ever benefiting from this. I found some nice girls there. I also found a very promiscous girl who slept with 50 guys and 2 girls by the age of 17 and who wanted have sex with me after the second message. But there was no way in hell I could find the courage to meet with these girl is real life. I was literally terrified of girls in 2004. Once that slutty girl asked for sex I got so scared I threw my cell phone under the bed !!! There was one girl who begged me to meet her for months. I couldn’t. I now know all this was the biggest mistake of my life. It retarded my progress and the consequences will be there forever.

I can’t believe how scared and stupid I was. I could have lost my virginity right then and be a normal, sexually experienced person by now. Of course, I could have also been rejected by all of them. Now I will never know and it will haunt me forever, seeing how it destroyed my life.

 

2005. was a peaceful year, not much has happened. I didn’t look for girls that much anymore, I was enjoying time with friends. Still kissless.

 

First change came in 2006. One spring day I was very drunk and finally told this girl I was messaging with that we will meet up the next day. So we did. It was a disaster, as she was extremely unattractive and had a boring, plain personality. I couldn’t wait for her to leave. But I finally defeated my fear of meeting irl. That spring I also met this girl on our high school forum and we chatted for months. I used to see her in school too but she was always with her class and I was too shy to approach so we only talked online. After the school year ended I invited her for a beer, with no expectations. I didn’t like her looks a lot and she didn’t seem interested in dating at all. It was quite a shock when she told me she likes me. Of course, today I’d know it was all bull**** as she never even met me in real life but back then I really believed we will be together.

So, we met once and I couldn’t even touch her. We were both yet to experience our first kiss and were extremely shy. Same thing happened on our second date, when we were barely able to hug each other. After she went home I just sat on the street like a ****in idiot, on the verge of crying. How will I ever be normal?

 

She left for the vacation on a coast while I remained at home. We stopped contacting each other until she suddenly sent a message in the beginning of September. She said she’d like to meet again, this time without any pressure. However, school has already started and we couldn’t find time until September 30,2006. That day was my first disaster, albeit much less painful than others. I once again couldn’t kiss her and was already going crazy. At the end we went to some park and she kissed me. I was so shocked I moved my head away from her. She tried again and this time I didn’t move away but I sucked at it. Still, it was my first kiss ! We held hands some more and then she had to go. I was confident I now have a girlfriend. However, she didn’t send me any messages for 4-5 days. When she finally did she told me she can’t be in a relationship now (she later admitted that she thought we had no chemistry, which was true). I was in great pain and cried for weeks.

 

Months went on… I didn’t have anybody. I met this very young girl somewhere around early May but got rejected by her. Little did I know that the greatest tragedy of my life was just around the corner….

 

It started on May 30, 2007. I met this girl on a SMS dating service and we immediately started messaging for hours. She wasn’t from my town but was planning to enroll in the same college I wanted to enroll here in my town. What happened was really strange. Even though we both turned 18 at the time we were immature enough to become some kind of a “virtual couple”. We talked online, she would send me her naked pics, it was like we were already a couple. Still, I had to wait a few weeks to meet her.

Since we both had to study for finals in school we arranged not to talk to each other for a week or two so we don’t get distracted.

 

It was then that the crucial turning point in my life happened. One Saturday afternoon, 16 June 2007, I was bored because I couldn’t talk to that girl so I went on that SMS dating service again, just to kill time. Amazingly, I met another girl and it turned out we sort of know each other – she used to go to the same kindergarten as I did and was friends with my brother there. I remembered her name and appearance a bit -after all, the last time I saw her was 12 years before ! She was only 16 years old at the time.

I started talking to her too. My basic calculation was that it’s better for me to meet two girls than just one – if I don’t have chemistry with one of them I’ll try with the other. It seemed like that first girl will be my girlfriend but who could be sure?

 

I first met this second girl, the kindergarten one, on July 1 2007. This turned out to be the most fateful day of my life. I arrived on that park bench without any expectations, without even bothering to wash my hair or choose nice clothes. When this short girl with massive tits sat next to me I frowned. It was as if I felt something bad was to happen. But she just smiled and we started talking. It was the best date I have ever had in my life, a stunning success that can never be repeated. We talked for 6 hours straight. I told her my entire life 1995-2007 and she immediately told me she wants to be my girlfriend. It was the single most beautiful event in my life. If only I knew it would turn out to be such a nightmare.

 

However, I still had to meet that other girl, the one I exchanged so many messages with. We met two days after that stunning meeting and it was a disaster. I didn’t like her, she didn’t like me. But there was one problem – after so many messages and her not knowing about that other girl we both didn’t have the courage to admit it. That mean that I now thought that two girls want to be with me!?

 

I lost it on that July 3, 2007. It was too much to take. I admitted to that girl I liked much more about the second girl but told her I only want to be with her, not that girl I didn’t like. She cried, but agreed to meet me next day. That day, July 4, was another great day with her. We talked about these news but I told her I will take care of it. When we talked about it we kinda whispered… it almost seemed like we were doing something illegal, something that other girl will suffer for. She begged me to kiss her but I couldn’t, I was too shy… Promised I will do it tomorrow. We didn’t meet the next day due to some problems but did again on July 6,2007. That day we kissed for hours, touched each other all over, it was so natural and beautiful, such strong chemistry.

 

Some days after I managed to be admitted to college with flying colors. My life seemed to be changed completely… All the pain from the past was forgotten.

 

But after that day everything went to ****, forever.

 

She had to go to the seaside for no less than 50 days. I was scared that I will miss her so I told her I don’t want to commit. She became very angry and dissapointed. I have already made her mad with that other girl and now this… I also screwed up by saying I think she’ll cheat on my with bad boys. We met the next day, July 12 2007. That was the worst day of my life. The mood was depressing. We both knew we wouldn’t see each other for 50 days. She was angry and my bull**** couldn’t fly anymore. We got into an argument and she said she only wants to be friends. After more tense conversation I got up and walked away.

 

Just half an hour later I realized how stupid I’ve been. I sent her a long message, saying I’m sorry and that I hope we will see each other tomorrow before she goes to the seaside. She didn’t reply. I sent another very long message the next day, saying how sorry I am and how much I love her. But she already went to that resort with her family. As I was enlisting in college I felt like complete ****, like I was dying. I was so unhappy…. As for that other girl, the first one I met, I didn’t tell her about her yet but she also went away and we almost stopped exchanging messages, as if we knew it’s not working.

 

Summer started… I would send my crush a love song every day. I was so in love and so hopeful. I knew she’d be back here on July 25-26 for some medical exam and believed that’s when I’ll see her. I couldn’t wait ! On first days she seemed ok, even told me she misses me… But when she did come and I asked her to meet she told me “Why would we meet? You said you don’t want to commit”… I begged her, explained how stupid I was, but to no avail… She didn’t want to see me and said we’ll maybe see each other when she definitely comes back. I got really angry, as this meant I will not see her for another month and told some bad ****.

After that she became very cold while I got more and more obsessed. Around August 15 I finally had enough and told this other girl about everything that happened. Her reply was shocking – she never liked me and knew we had no chemistry but didn’t want to dissapoint me She even agreed to send her a message, trying to convince her to be with me. But my crush just stopped replying. She didn’t reply for the last 20 days of August, sending me into despair. Still, I was hopeful that things will change when she comes back. September 1 was approaching.

When she finally did get back she sent me one single message, first one after 20 days “I don’t know, I don’t like you anymore”. I immediately burst into tears. During the next 3 days I didn’t cry, I was psychologically burnt out and remained in bed. Then she agreed to meet me but never said the time or the place. After that tears started. I’d wake up very early, be on the internet, cry, and that was my day. I was simply devastated.

After a week or so she sent me a message, asking me how I’m feeling. We started talking again and agreed to meet. However, she cancelled it.

 

After she cancelled it I made another great mistake. I went on that sms flert again and met another girl. This girl was my age, single and extremely attractive. We agreed to meet but that September 19 was another great **** up. What happened was that I didn’t sleep all night, then went out with some friends in the morning and then, instead of going to ****ing sleep, went to the neighbourhood of that girl (the only all this fuss was about), trying to see her. I came home at 3 PM and overslept the meeting with that other girl ! It turned out to be one of the most moronic mistakes in my life, as she was extremely angry and I was never given another chance. I can’t know if we would be together but if we could have been it turned out to be one of the worst mistakes of my life. But at that time I wasn’t too worried, as I still believed I will get that girl I liked so much back. We started talking a lot, and she even told me she wants to love me again. I was extatic. I thought all my trouble and hard work finally paid off. She promised me that we will meet. We arranged to meet on November 4, exactly 4 months after our beautiful meeting on 4 July. I really believed I will finally make her love me again and all of this will be something we will tell our grandchildren once.

 

But it was not meant to be. Just half an hour before the meeting she said she doesn’t feel like coming. I called her and she told me that any normal guy would give up long ago and wouldn’t let himself be treated that way. She doesn’t want to be with me.

 

10 days after I went to her bus station. She came, saw me and turned back… I didn’t want to follow her.

 

Since that day everything changed for the worst. I had absolutely no motivation to do anything. I missed not one but two chances. And my college obligations didn’t care. I spent a dark, grim, depressing Christmas. She gradulated me but told me she doesn’t love me the way I love her. And it got progressively worse. I couldn’t study, couldn’t find another girl (my luck just ran out), and she told me she lost her virginity to another guy.

Spring sucked. No girl, no motivation, feeling more and more obsessed with my missed chance. In May 2008 she agreed to meet me so I could teach her history. She came to that same park. I haven’t talked to her since July 12 of the previous year. I explained history to her but when we started talking I soon regretted me coming there. She had a boyfriend and was happy with him. She no longer cared for me at all. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t find another girl. It was a very sad experience.

 

But obsession couldn’t go away. I spent an awful summer, just thinking about her. I would cry more and more often. I would often dream that she had forgiven me and that we’re kissing now but would wake up to a depressing reality. I met a very intelligent girl using that sms dating service again but completely turned her away with my long messages on what happened the previous summer.

 

I found this site in April 2008 but didn’t post much, if at all. However, now I made a post about her, telling I will kill her and myself. I was that destroyed. I didn’t try to hide my IP, I simply didn’t care. This site’s admin reported it to the Interpol. The police came and arrested me three weeks later. I could have pulled it off by not telling her name, which wasn’t mentioned in the post, but I just couldn’t… I had to tell somebody what happened. Though they never found a gun and I didn’t really want to do it the police filed charges against me for a death threat and I spent a month in prison. I heard her boyfriend left her because he got scared after he heard what happened.

 

After I got out I felt better for some time due to having my freedom again but I soon became more depressed. Nobody did anything about my incel, they just mindlessly told me to look for a girl harder. Nobody had any understanding what shyness is and how hard it is for me to find girls. In January 2009 I tried to kill myself with pills but failed. I was in a hospital and had to take absence from college.

 

It was in April 2009 when I met this girl on an sms dating service. I soon found out that she was the same intelligent girl I drove off with my obsessive talks on that fatal girl in summer 2008. This time I wasn’t going to miss the chance. I had to meet her irl. She was above any level of intelligence I have encountered so far. So, we did meet. We had a great talk. It was different than that mythical July 1, 2007. Nothing could have been that good. She didn’t tell me she wants to be with me, there were no kisses or hugs. But it was pretty amazing in it’s own way… Unfortunately, she seemed… ugly? We had another meeting in May but it didn’t seem we were getting anywhere so I just stopped replying to her messages. And she sent a lot during the following months. But it wasn’t only her looks that bothered me. I have suffered an immense trauma and knew I might not survive the next shock. What finally broke my resolve to stop talking to her was the message in which she asked me if I wanted to go on being alone or to have a girlfriend… We met up after three months, in August 2009. But I still couldn’t see myself with her due to her looks. However, I started changing my mind in the following months. She was just so understanding and such a great support to me. In November 2009 I finally took her home. We lay next to each other but I couldn’t kiss her… I felt like I was going insane. Until I finally did it and we started kissing. It was November 21, 2009. My last kiss before that was July 6, 2007 with you know who. I couldn’t believe it.

 

I finally found my first real girlfriend ! Is all my trouble finally over? We started meeting up regularly, talking, kissing. She was a lot more intelligent than any other girl before her.

But trouble was brewing. I couldn’t have sex with her. We were both virgins and I couldn’t gain the courage to take her clothes off. I once tried and she froze. It was pretty awful but I didn’t worry too much. I believed we will be together forever. But I wasn’t happy with her, mostly because I wasn’t getting laid and that eventually turned her away.

 

Our break-up was immensely painful. She told me she’s leaving me but will come the next day for us to have sex. That following day I was very angry and started a fight about the fact she left me, which made her change her mind soon. When I realized that she wasn’t coming back I tried getting sex but she no longer wanted it.

 

And so it happened. The girl who fought so hard to gain my trust, who I thought was sent on Earth to help me was gone and I was still a virgin. We exchanged hundreds of messages during those days, me trying to get her back but I couldn’t. That was July 2010.

 

During the latter part of 2010 I started going to **** completely. I talk to myself…. My frustration was immense. I tried to meet another girl but got one more nasty blow when this girl I was talking to for 3 months (she was away during summer) found a boyfriend 3 days after she finally came here.

 

In 2011 I was already a sick and dissapointed person. I met this ugly religious girl in March and kissed her first, finally breaking my shyness. But she was just another mistake. She was very odd and didn’t want to have sex with me or anybody, despite not being a virgin. She wasn’t my girlfriend but we were some kind of fwb for some time…. however, there were no real benefits. In late May she found somebody else and broke it off. I also had two dates, one in January and one in July, both failures.

 

Not much happened during the second half of 2011… I couldn’t even get a date anymore. I didn’t meet a single girl during that time.

 

As 2012 rolled in I was already on the verge of giving up. Still a virgin, with no prospects to think of. But then something happened which made me change my mind. In late March I accidentally saw my 2009-2010 girlfriend on the street and talked to her for 2 hours. Of course, she no longer wanted to be with me but seeing her shook me so much that I was confined to bed for a week. I realized just how ****ed my life was and what a screw up I have been.

 

I have decided to make one last try and find a girlfriend or just lose my virginity.

 

That sms dating service sucked now so I went on dating sites. Obsessively. It was ****, as usual. Some girls flaked, some found me to desperate, one date I got failed. But I kept trying.

 

In mid May some girl replied and said she wants to meet right away. We met two hours after we started talking to each other. I told her about my life. She seemed surprised and said she wants to have sex with me. However, I found out she has a boyfriend back in her home town… she was willing to cheat on him with me. She promised me that we will be having sex until summer comes and then again in autumn. And one Saturday night I finally lost my virginity… years too late. Still, it was a very nice experience, she was really patient and kind despite the fact I lasted for about 30 seconds. Still, I wasn’t too thrilled. All the agony and hellish years I’ve endured made me unable to be really happy about it. It should have happened much sooner.

 

I only had sex with that girl twice before she told me she’s not going to do it anymore, that I am whiny, weak and clingy, and that she doesn’t want to be my teacher anymore. I was angry but it was to be expected, really. I was way too late in the game.

 

The reason why I wasn’t that hurt was that there was another person who I liked more by the time she left me. I met this girl in April 2012, but we couldn’t meet irl because she lived about 30 miles away from me. She broke up with her boyfriend shortly before we met but got back to him when she heard I ****ed that girl. When we finally met she was with him but there was chemistry between us and she left him for me…or so I thought. Because after she broke up with her boyfriend for the second time she saw that he immediately found some other girls to have fun with and became very jelaous. Our second date was a disaster, she couldn’t stop crying about him – a guy she left because of me. Later that night she told me that she doesn’t want to be with me.

 

It was all over. I had another bad date with a single mother a few days after and then finally collapsed mentally. I just lay in my bed for weeks.

 

Summer was boring. Another date failed in late July. But more was to happen since late September. One day that girl who left her boyfriend because of me suddenly sent me a friend request on Fb again, after she blocked me on my request in June. I was angry at her, told her to **** off and blocked her. She then sent me a SMS message saying she could help me with my incel problem. I took the bait. But then she started to **** me in another way. When I told her I’ll find it strange to do it with condoms (not that I don’t want to do it) she said I’m complicating things and that she changed her mind. After several hours of talk I managed to convince her otherwise but then she made another problem when I told asked her if she could reply faster. She blocked me and told me she’s not coming. I then lost it. I called her, insulted her and then posted her pictures and real on a blog. After that I got her call and she told me she will come and have sex if I remove that content.

 

So she came and I ****ed her. I lasted much longer this time than with the previous girl and she liked it a lot. So much that she wanted to be with me after that. We lasted for about a month and a half. It was mostly hellish. It was long distance, she was very unstable, vain and cruel, while also burdened with her problems at home… It couldn’t work. She was my first gf in a sense that we had sex but I don’t consider it a real relationship.

 

After our final sex and her departure I completely fell apart. But that wasn’t because of her. It was because I now know it is too late for me.

 

 

Three different but connected things started happening, three different realizations.

 

First realization was that my problem cannot be solved by myself. I was the responsibility of my parents and my government to find me a girlfriend. Their refusal to do so, for example my government's refusal to answer any of my letters demanding a government led dating service or wingmen (but never forcing anybody to be with me) is an act of murder. They deserve to die for inflicting death upon me.

I will never get a job or go to college again. I will just leech of my parents until they die, knowing they won't kick me out. Since they don't want to do their duty, and it is their duty, I will not do mine.

 

I also realized that I will never be trusted by any psychologists and will never get help from them. They could only harm me. I remembered the film Terminator, first part. In it humans and machines are waging a war in the near future. Since the machines are about to lose to humans led by John Connor they send out a terminator into the future, a machine with a mental skeleton under human skin and parts of tissue, to kill John Connor's mother Linda so he could never be born. On the other hand, humans send Kyle Reese, a human soldier, to protect John Connors future mother from being killed by the Terminator. They both arrive to her at about same time and a shootout ensues. Kyle gets to Linda first but is unable to convince her of the truth before more shooting occurs and the cops get involved, capturing Linda and Kyle while the Terminator escapes. In police custody Kyle is laughed at by a shrink and most of policemen for claiming he is from the future. He says that no matter what that Terminator is out there, will wade from them and rip Linda's heart out. Of course, that same night Terminator comes to the police station and kills all the policemen, with Kyle and Linda escaping and the film goes on.

That scene in a police station pefectly describes my situation. I feel like Kyle Reese. I understand that the shrinks think I am crazy for saying that it is the responsibilty of other people to find me a girlfriend just like they fought he was crazy for saying he is from the future and that there is a Terminator out there. But that Terminator really is out there , it is called involuntary celibacy and it is lethal.

Shrinks are my enemies, though I understand why they don't believe me. That's why I've even been institutionalized. They just don't acknowledge the Terminator. They will eventually have to. Their only sensible solution is to either find me a girlfriend or lock me up forever and keep me in highest security department to prevent me from killing somebody because I know I will never get out anyway.

 

Third thing that happened after this breakup is that I became obsessed with that 2007 girl again. I finally realized that this one moment in July 2007 was my only chance of happiness. I was never well after it. Immediately after it I was thrown in a long crisis. That 2009 girl was just a deception. I felt better for a long time, but in the end she just destroyed me worse than the 2007 girl did.

Why, then, is 2007 girl more important? Because of several reasons

 

1. She is immediately connected to a second missed chance, that September 2007 one, making it doubly painful. But that's not the reason why I'm mentioning this first. This is....

 

2. She wanted to have sex with me and I know she would. She was a virgin at the time but really wanted it. That September 2007 wasn't one, which improves my chances for it too. The fact that I didn't get to have sex with either one of them meant that I couldn't have sex with that 2009 girl, who was very shy about it. The consequences, as you see, were horrific. I remained a virgin until 2012. Again, with disastrous consequences.

 

3. the most important thing, however, is that she was in love with me, unlike other girls. That I do know. I know many will not believe me but I know she was, even if it was for a very short time. This does not mean she's perfect in any way. She was just a kid then and is a spoiled, mean girl now. But we liked each other then.

 

Anyway, I tried contacting her on facebook, telling her she doesn't have to fear me and lots of other stuff. I immediately got blocked.

 

So, yeah.... What do I do know?

 

I am pretty sure I will not find a girlfriend anymore. Even if I do, I am waaay too damaged to be any good for pretty much anybody but 2-3 girls in the world. I know I will not find them.

 

I am living in 2007 now. I mean, I could do the same thing for 2004, but I never met these girls in real life. This girl, on the other hand, told me that

 

-she would like to marry me

-she would like us to go on a deserted island and take just a few condoms with us

-she would like to be my prostitute ( I said I should maybe get one, she cited her number)

 

She regreted it a thousand times by now. I didn't. I live in those memories. And I have to see her again. But, she's no longer that same girl. I know very well my ragged, sick self isn't that same boy that sat in that park on July,1. She despises me, fears me.

 

How do I go back to 2007? Or 2004? Will I get there if I kill myself? Can anybody prove not? Will I meet somebody this year? Next year? Too many questions...

 

I'm so sad

 

Please don't call me insane. And nobody can say I haven't tried to move on. I did.

 

It's just that... I was never very lucky...

Edited January 10, 2013 by a Monster