A not so nice roller-coaster ride

[Victoria Lake]

Hey everyone ,

 

Let’s see where to start – I’ve been on LS before when I went through a tough break-up, and I decided to come back because I’m not having a great time and because I know how much LS has helped me in the past. Seriously, the Breaking Up board has some of the most kindest, wisest, understanding and supportive members.

 

I’d like my first post to be more general, and not filled with all kind of personal details about what brought me here again.

As I was saying, almost two years ago I went through a pretty hard break-up; it was ugly because it messed my life plans, and because at that point I felt like I’m losing my best friend. I was completely disoriented. Some days were so gloomy I used to break down crying in public. But guess what? I decided not to give up. As time passed by, I learned how to focus much more on myself. I went back to University after a one year break, I got a job (still working, hee hee ), but what’s most important – I learned how to find joy in simple things, like going out for a walk, exercising, taking a nap lol etc.

 

A tiny parenthesis: I have to say this – NC is lovely! One of the first things I read on LS was about NC. I immediately went for it. It’s a blessing. Go for it without any fear.

 

Things haven’t changed much since then, but my perception did. I think I should mention that I’m pretty independent, I live alone & my family lives in another city etc. Some people came in my life, some left, some grew apart – you know how it goes... The thing is, at one point (I don’t know exactly when), I started to feel lonely. I wanted someone near me to share my joy with, my time, my hopes, my fears… I have many acquaintances, I go out & try to have fun, but I’m not very close to these people. We’re not tied – you know what I mean? They are more like fair-weather friends. Of course, it’s a more complex problem, and I can’t sum it up in one paragraph, nor can I label all of them one way. Anyway, I wish I’d have more real friends, so our fun times (but not only) to be truly meaningful.

 

I don’t know… A while ago I looked around my apartment and thought “my God… all this stuff that I bought on my own, all these clothes, all these objects… what’s the(ir) point now?”

 

What brought me here: got attached to someone, let him in my life, my mind and my intimacy… there were some really pretty moments when I thought things were going in the right direction, but then he disappeared all of a sudden. He said that he found someone else (in the course of a couple of days since we last met and things were good), that he likes her a lot, that we’re too different and can’t be together because of this. The “we’re too different’ thingie – how to explain it, hmm…? While I somehow understand why he thought we’re different, I think he judged me too fast. I know myself and I knew that there weren’t any big differences between us. Anyway, I can’t change his point of view, nor am I doing anything about the matter. If it was the “different” thing, if it was something else, I don’t know. Sincerely, I accept reality as it is, I’m not idealizing him, I know he doesn’t want to be with me, I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine after a while; I know all these things… but I’m not feeling any better right now. I’m still sad and disappointed. That’s why I’m here, because I need support. I have these moments when I’m like “ok darling, I’ll let you go now (symbolically)”, and then “oh no… he’s gone for real”. I usually don’t even care that he’s with someone else (I even hope he’s happy), but other times it makes sick to my stomach. Oh… this roller-coaster…

[XKatieX]

I can totally relate Victoria. One day I'll say to myself I'll let you go now, I'll be fine. I'll go out and do things, start to feel like I'm getting better. Then the next day I'll be thinking all sorts of negative thoughts, and it usually ends up with me spending a good portion of the day in bed. Thinking I'll never be alright, I'll die alone, etc...

 

It's just going through the stages of grief/loss. At first I went through the denial stage, then I went through the bargaining stage, now I'm in the depression stage and wondering how I'm ever going to get out of it.

[Victoria Lake]

I can totally relate Victoria. One day I'll say to myself I'll let you go now, I'll be fine. I'll go out and do things, start to feel like I'm getting better. Then the next day I'll be thinking all sorts of negative thoughts, and it usually ends up with me spending a good portion of the day in bed. Thinking I'll never be alright, I'll die alone, etc...

 

It's just going through the stages of grief/loss. At first I went through the denial stage, then I went through the bargaining stage, now I'm in the depression stage and wondering how I'm ever going to get out of it.

 

It's almost 3 AM and I'm eating ice cream, and getting ready to go to sleep Sometimes, small things I'm not really able to control (like a certain smell) remind me of him, and then I end up thinking about him on and on and on. Hah, instead of spending my time in bed, I walk around the house - it's relaxing, but also pretty stupid

I woke up this morning thinking about how he used to make the bed especially for me and almost fell in the trap of thinking several hours about how "great" he was. Bleh

Now I'm glad that I'm very tranquil, but I'm already expecting mood changes...

 

Have a nice evening everyone