smog Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I thought it might be helpful to some of you to share my progress since my wife left me 4 months ago. Its been a funny few months particularly with the holidays and a few 'special' occasions like birthdays and events which we didn't do together. When she left I was devestated. The pain was like nothing i had experienced before and I honestly felt lost. My initial thought was to want her back but my subconcious was telling me to hold back and get control of my emotions until I was rational enough to think and talk sensibly. Even after a month I was still not thinking straight and I would go through the typical ups and downs and feel like I was making no progress. I would also obsess over what she might be up to or indeed seeing. For the first month I was in a very self destructive pattern whereby I would constantly check her Facebook to see what she was up to. The problem with doing this was that I would read into 'everything' I saw and in hindsight what I did see was nothing to be concerned about but my mindset at the time was unstable and looking at her Facebook only served to sink me deeper into depression. My rule of thumb is, if you are already feeling down looking at emails/facebook will 100% make you feel evenb worse it will 'NEVER' serve to make your situation better (unless of course you discover she is pouring her heart out over you and cant bear to be without you, which lets be honest is unlikely). Anyways around the three month mark is where I started to feel better. I took control of my life and gripped independance with both hands. I got organised, sorted the flat out, divided all our accounts and more importantly took care of myself. I cut alcohol during the week and only eat fresh, healthy foods. I've joined a gym which I go to on my lunch break and I've bought a new wardrobe and take care of my physical appearance. The end result is someone who feels independent and in control of his life. Despite this I would still get the odd twinge and down day but they are getting less and less and if I actually think long and hard about her coming back or if I managed to get her back somehow I would actually hate it - nothing would change and I would be miserable again. Any nice thoughts I've had about us both reconciling are entirely make believe and would never feel good in the slightest - so dont believe what your emotional state is telling you its way off! This month has been my best month to date. Furthermore I went out last weekend with a couple of the guys from work and we hit a club. Most of the night my freinds kept telling me that this girl was checking me out and that I should go dance with her which is exactly what i did. Truth be told she was gorgeous and very cute we danced with her friends and every now and again she would look up and smile - the crazy thing is I didnt make a move or even get her name because I was just enjoying the night but what it told me was that there are plenty more opportunities out there with people who so much better than what I thought I has lost. Even though I didnt know this girl there was a connection which could quite easily have turned into somethidng if I had wanted it to. Meeting someone else is never as difficult or daunting as think in the beginning. you just have to be open to it.
MsOptimist Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I feel like I'm in a similar place to you, I'm about 5 months into my separation and things are getting better. The first month was horrid, the 2nd month I moved out at what seemed like the speed of light, but I quickly tried to dust myself off. Concentrated on working out and kept up my appearance more than usual. I'm also starting to see that there are plenty of BETTER people out there. I more clearly recognize how my relationship was unhealthy and the things that I wasn't happy with. I know I can eventually find a better match. I've started to take a friendship into slightly more than a friendship (slowly). Although I have no idea where this new thing will go, it's incredibly exciting and opening my eyes to the good things that are out there if I want to see them. Best of luck to you and keep going with the progress! I agree that falling into traps of looking at facebook/emails will only cause setbacks. I still haven't had the guts to defriend my stbxh and I just saw a picture he posted of my cat. I miss her terribly and that was a jab to the heart to see that. I have already untagged photos of myself in our pictures and deleting pictures of him off of my profile. I had hidden my relationship status weeks ago and noticed that just a couple days ago he deleted me as being married to him - that stung to notice that, but I reminded myself that it is what it is and needs to happen. It's been strange to come to terms with the words "divorce" and "single."
2.50 a gallon Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 smog Glad to hear you are getting better. It does take time. I had a similar experience. When we broke up it was the worse pain ever. I fell into such a black hole that I wondered whether I would ever be able to laugh again. At first I thought about trying to fix us, but half of me, said why bother, as we had only been married six months. And there was no way I could ever consider trusting her enough to have kids with her. It was a total no win situation. My turn about began about a month later, when a pretty face looked down at me and asked me if I wanted to come out an play. And in an instant I was back flying with eagles. Just knowing that I was still attractive to the opposite sex did wonders for me, from that point on it became much easier. I am not saying that I was cured, as there were still down days. But I once again was able to laugh, and yes there were days that I was happy again. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 smog All of this happened over 30 years ago. I have recently learned that in the intervening years, the Ex remarried and divorced a second time. She is now in her 50's and really let her looks go, and is easily pushing 200 pounds. I have now been with the love of my life for over 17 years. She is the sweetest, kindest, most giving person I have ever met. She doesn't have a selfish bone in her body. And even though she is a grandmother of a teenager, she still has an hour glass figure with great legs. Eye candy and she is a couple of years from turning 60. Today she announced that she has gained 5 pounds over the holidays and will dieting back down to her 115. Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. 1
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