zebracolors Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I was wondering how big of a role you think your mentality plays in dating. I believe it plays a pretty big part. It seems to me there are two ways of looking at it. Abundance mentality (plenty of fish in the sea, there are enough quality mates to go around) and scarcity mentality (there are a limited number of good people out there and for that reason I have to be very careful in how I handle them). I think Scarcity mentality? I would have thought it would be the opposite since becoming single recently and finally being able to explore all these guys in my locality who I find good-looking. But I have noticed that when I have been on a date, with certain men, I feel like I had to walk on eggshells in conversation, because what it boils down to is that Im afraid of know expressing my thoughts too well. And these men were very confident, intelligent successful and were not shy at all. Also it doesn't help me being shy and a little afraid of initiating touches because of this little fear that I don't know what would be accepted touch. And I am terribly shy when it comes to calling a guy at that stage which also doesn't help. At least initially, until I overcome that fear of calling at really bad times. I know its probably me and these issues I have to work on:laugh:
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 How I understand it. Abundance mentality: I've had success and expect more success to come. Scarcity mentality: I've not had any success. Don't know when I'll get any success but I'll keep trying, though I won't get my hopes up. I'm not really sure how having a scarcity mentality is a bad thing. It's just being realistic. Any guy who has an abundance mentality when he hasn't had a date in years is simply delusional. I have to side with SD on this one. The above is how someone thinks when they are shaped either by successes or failures. This would be true not just of dating but anything like it. Finding a job, making sales, winning auctions etc. One changes their outlook based on past experience, it's called learning. While the mind over matter in the OP's message is not all wrong, it's not right to think that a change in mentality will change everything. If your a overweight, pimply, smelly, unhygenic, poorly dressed, unemployed looser...a change of mindset won't make you a fit, clean, good looking six figured salaried winner. Only making real changes may do that. Then in either situation you may still have trouble dating. 1
ThaWholigan Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I have to side with SD on this one. The above is how someone thinks when they are shaped either by successes or failures. This would be true not just of dating but anything like it. Finding a job, making sales, winning auctions etc. One changes their outlook based on past experience, it's called learning. While the mind over matter in the OP's message is not all wrong, it's not right to think that a change in mentality will change everything. If your a overweight, pimply, smelly, unhygenic, poorly dressed, unemployed looser...a change of mindset won't make you a fit, clean, good looking six figured salaried winner. Only making real changes may do that. Then in either situation you may still have trouble dating. Ideally, you need both though, no? If he makes the changes while thinking he can't succeed, then it is possible that he won't succeed even after he improves because he is pessimistic. That's why he doesn't know how to flirt and stuff, because he tells himself over and over again it's so hard, instead of either being open and thinking "what's the worst that can happen", or just being brave about it. Having an abundance mentality allowed me more scope to improve beyond where I am. Plateaus are meant to be broken in my opinion. I was able to do way more when I changed my way of thinking. 1
Author MrCastle Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 MrLonely--Attitude won't change the physical but it's still necessary to have a positive outlook (in any part of life) if you want success. Like I've said before, physically, if we're going by what's said on here, I shouldn't even attempt to date. I should live in a dungeon and give my penis to someone else who would make more use of it. I'm 5'7, I'm skinny, and I'm non white (puerto rican). Being short is a death sentence alone, not being muscular is a death sentence alone, being ethnic is a death sentence alone. I have all 3. I'm successful with women. I'm not competing against 5'7 skinny hispanics, I'm competing against taller men, stronger men, white men, wealthier men, etc. Being socially awkward is also a death sentence on here. Wholigan has autism. Not had, not used to but no longer does, has. As in, is living with. Is managing. He's found recent success. I don't doubt our optimism is a big part of why we're successful. Let's say for the sake of argument we're both facially attractive. That's our only plus. Surely we're not getting by because we have cute faces. There's more to it, and I'm certainly not getting women because of my height, or my body type. I'm getting women despite it. Attitude and personality will carry you, maybe not take you from nerd to playboy. But from no success to a respectable amount success, certainly. 1
ja123 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 If your a overweight, pimply, smelly, unhygenic, poorly dressed, unemployed looser...a change of mindset won't make you a fit, clean, good looking six figured salaried winner. Only making real changes may do that. But how is one to make real changes if one doesn't believe - even more than believe, in fact, know - it is possible? The inner affects the outer, and the outer affects the inner, but if one can shift one's mind, then one can change one's outer circumstances which again reinforces the inner. I think the approach of letting-go, being in the moment, not being attached to outcomes as others have expressed is key; it allows one to appreciate what one has now and be flexible which is framed in abundance.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 But how is one to make real changes if one doesn't believe - even more than believe, in fact, know - it is possible? The inner affects the outer, and the outer affects the inner, but if one can shift one's mind, then one can change one's outer circumstances which again reinforces the inner. I think the approach of letting-go, being in the moment, not being attached to outcomes as others have expressed is key; it allows one to appreciate what one has now and be flexible which is framed in abundance. I've seen it plenty, even on here. A guy who has trouble with women becomes a in shape winner. Suddenly women start paying attention to him. Is this a 100% good thing, NO. This is the best result. For a while at least he has to wrestle with the fact that women, even the very same women who would not give him the time of day suddenly want to jump his bones. Jump his bones while saying all kinds of BS about how great his soul/mind/spirit are (and declaring how not shallow women are. When really none of that has fundamentally changed only the wrapper.) Then eventually they calm down and find a woman worth marrying. I can think of a few posters on here, I won't name them. Simply changing ones mindset will not make one a success with women. Neither will changing their body. In fact the more I live the more I think that success is 98% luck, and 2% our skill at taking advantage of the opportunities luck throws us.
Els Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 There is a possibility to strike a balance, IMO. In the early stages, 'dating' or 'pre-dating' (no pun intended ), I suppose, yes, certainly erring on the side of abundance would be a better idea than the opposite. There is little point fixating on someone when you don't even know if she likes you yet. When you enter into a relationship with someone you genuinely connect with all ways, whom you love and who loves you in return, the abundance mentality can come back to bite you in the butt. These are the people constantly jumping from one relationship to another, always thinking the grass is greener on the other side, constantly picking through the haystacks to find the needle dealbreaker that isn't even necessarily there. Assuming these people are happy dating all their lives, that's all good, but if they want an LTR, they're going to be in for a lot of pain. Because nobody is perfect, not even themselves, so they are essentially in search of the unicorn. And there may be several billions of people on Earth, but a unicorn ain't one of them. Obviously, taking things to the other extreme and not wanting to break things off with someone who is cheating, abusing, lying, etc, is not healthy either.
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