Abundance vs Scarcity Mentality

[MrCastle]

I was wondering how big of a role you think your mentality plays in dating. I believe it plays a pretty big part. It seems to me there are two ways of looking at it. Abundance mentality (plenty of fish in the sea, there are enough quality mates to go around) and scarcity mentality (there are a limited number of good people out there and for that reason I have to be very careful in how I handle them).

 

I've noticed this affects success rates for most people. People who have a scarcity mentality are always on eggshells, fearing one wrong move will cost them the relationship they're trying to build. ("I can't text her at 6pm! I did that yesterday! She'll think I'm annoying and leave me!"). It also feels like those who have that mentality can't truly be themselves because they fear they'll make a mistake. Ironically, the more serious you take dating, the more mistakes you're likely to make. The less success you're likely to have. You're all caught up in making sure you do everything just right that when something doesn't go according to plan, you overreact or spiral into a freefall. I also feel like those with this mentality handle breakups a lot worse because they're not sure when, if ever, they'll meet that next quality person again. They are also more prone to having lingering feelings about exes.

 

I think those with an abundance mentality are in a better mental/emotional state to succeed and kind of walk around with this attitude that they have nothing to lose. I don't know how effective that attitude is in attracting men but I know it's made me more successful with women. Walking around like you don't care about outcomes one way or the other because you don't take dating as seriously as others, to me, conveys the message that you have options. Even if you really don't.

 

I'm not saying I have countless women at my disposal ready to go at any minute, but having had both a scarcity mentality in my early days, and changing it to an abundance mentality now, has improved my success and my relatonships with women overall. I'm more comfortable, I don't meticulously plan my moves and strategize. I just live my life, do what I want, say what I want, without any fear of a grl leaving me or not liking me. I believe there are enough women out there to go around that if one door closes, another one will open.

 

These kinds of things to me are self fulfilling prophecies. If you believe the kind of people you're looking to date are rare, you will have limited success. If you believe there are plenty of people to choose from, your success will be better. Mindset counts for more than people think. It's not all about looks and height, or whatever else. Subconsciously your brain will have you do things that align with your beliefs. If you believe the market is limited, your brain will have you sabotaging relationships and/or overlooking good people to keep that belief a reality.

 

What kind of mentality do you have and has it affected your success one way or the other?

[Treasa]

I'm of the mindset that I have nothing to lose. I go after what I want, and I know that if it doesn't work out, I'll get over it. Life without challenges and pain is a pretty damn boring life.

 

Don't get me wrong, I try my best whenever I can, but I'm as human as everyone else.

 

I really love my life.

[KungFuJoe]

I can relate to this big time.

 

Problem is...you have to figure it out in your own, as I assume you did. And I did. For the others here...you can tell them til you turn blue in the face but it won't matter. Each person has to figure it out for themselves.

[TouchedByViolet]

I had an abundance mentality in my younger days with little success. Now I definitely have a scarcity mentality, mainly because I am a realist about my life. Overall, the scarcity mentality has forced me to explore every option available and put more effort into dating which has translated into some success. There definitely are draw backs but overall I think it helps me.

 

Honestly, the mindset in my life is a result of my experiences and not the other way around.

[Treasa]

I can relate to this big time.

 

Problem is...you have to figure it out in your own, as I assume you did. And I did. For the others here...you can tell them til you turn blue in the face but it won't matter. Each person has to figure it out for themselves.

 

I think it's along the same line as, "Youth is wasted on the young."

[Treasa]

plenty of women out there... maybe 1 special one for me... I'll meet her one day, and I'm having a great,sexy,magic time looking for her...

 

 

That's how I feel about women, too.

[TheZebra]

Interesting post. I do agree that unless you are completely socially inept, that if you just 'go with the flow' and don't invest yourself completely that you're likely to be more successful. You come off as more natural and less like you're trying too hard.

 

I dunno exactly which mentality I fall into. I guess scarcity because I'm pretty picky with guys . If I could just always have the abundance mentality though that would be preferrable, but I dunno how to train my brain into thinking that way.

 

The mentality you have also depends on what you're looking for. Since you're only casual dating, you're probably not going to be super picky about the girl you're with either. I think it's harder when you're looking for a LTR because the 'list' of things you're looking for is much longer.

[MrCastle]

I can relate to this big time.

 

Problem is...you have to figure it out in your own, as I assume you did. And I did. For the others here...you can tell them til you turn blue in the face but it won't matter. Each person has to figure it out for themselves.

 

Yeah. I certainly did. At some point it just hits you, the dating scene is in constant flux. The ebbs and flows of the dating world is pretty simple; people are getting together and breaking up everyday. It's not like the single pool is shrinkin by the day. People that were once taken become single and vice versa.

 

I used to be mortified at the thought of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I felt I had to play a perfect game or else I was headed for a dryspell. Now I'm like whatever. I know there are enough people out there to choose from and if one doesn't like me, I'll find another. You have to actually believe that for that to be a reality.

[ThaWholigan]

I certainly have an abundance mentality regarding life and dating, one that was lying dormant and I had to cultivate and stimulate it in order to fully grasp it. I became less dependent on outcomes, and took things less seriously in order to really deal with it effectively.

 

The thing is, having an abundance mentality, people think that you're delusional or over-confident, and make a bunch of excuses for you as to why things seem to be happening for you. That irritates me - especially if I know that I am reaping the benefits of switching to a mindset that looks towards abundance.

[Janesays]

I guess I've always been in the abundance category. This isn't purposeful because I've always enjoyed being single just as much (if not more) than being in a relationship, nor do I view romantic relationships necessary for me to live a 100% fufilling. 'Dying alone' doesn't worry or scare me.

 

I have always been a successful dater. Generally, as a whole, men usually are eager to commit to me. Most of the men I have been involved with have been pretty decent guys. Etc.

 

The two could be connected, but I'm not sure. This is the first time I've ever really thought about it. Interested thread, I'm eager to read more about the experiences of others.

[MrCastle]

Interesting post. I do agree that unless you are completely socially inept, that if you just 'go with the flow' and don't invest yourself completely that you're likely to be more successful. You come off as more natural and less like you're trying too hard.

 

I dunno exactly which mentality I fall into. I guess scarcity because I'm pretty picky with guys . If I could just always have the abundance mentality though that would be preferrable, but I dunno how to train my brain into thinking that way.

 

The mentality you have also depends on what you're looking for. Since you're only casual dating, you're probably not going to be super picky about the girl you're with either. I think it's harder when you're looking for a LTR because the 'list' of things you're looking for is much longer.

 

Well; but let's be clear about this though. Abundance doesn't mean you lower your standards by any means. I don't mean that if a hottie dumps me that I can just get a less attractive woman to be my rebound. I have very high standards, but the belief that there are enough women out there that meet said criteria that I don't have to worry about being alone or that I'll never find another one like her.

 

I casually date but have significantly high standards and I'm picky but I believe there are enough people out there that meet my criteria.

 

It's like being a picky eater and going to a restaurant. You feel confident that there will be enough dishes on the menu that you're bound to find one that tickles your tastebuds. You don't reject going to the restaurant altogether because you're a picky eater.

[EasyHeart]

I think of it in terms of optimism and pessimism, but I think we're talking about the same thing. If you think you can do something, then there's a good chance that you will. As I go through life, I'm always amazed at how many people there are who always look for the worst in any situation. I couldn't live like that. I honestly can't even comprehend it.

 

And, of course, it doesn't just apply to dating. The sad sacks who complain about not being able to get a date are probably not doing too well in other parts of their life, either.

[somedude81]

How I understand it.

 

Abundance mentality: I've had success and expect more success to come.

 

Scarcity mentality: I've not had any success. Don't know when I'll get any success but I'll keep trying, though I won't get my hopes up.

 

I'm not really sure how having a scarcity mentality is a bad thing. It's just being realistic. Any guy who has an abundance mentality when he hasn't had a date in years is simply delusional.

[MrCastle]

How I understand it.

 

Abundance mentality: I've had success and expect more success to come.

 

Scarcity mentality: I've not had any success. Don't know when I'll get any success but I'll keep trying, though I won't get my hopes up.

 

I'm not really sure how having a scarcity mentality is a bad thing. It's just being realistic. Any guy who has an abundance mentality when he hasn't had a date in years is simply delusional.

 

I had an abundance mentality before having any real success. At one point I just said screw it, women, and dating in general, is not that serious. I know I'm a catch. When I find one, I'll find one. There's a lot of women out there. I'm bound to get lucky eventually. Then things started rolling from there.

[carhill]

I found macro-vision to be healthier than micro-vision. The local demographic demonstrated marked scarcity dynamics, both anecdotally as well as through quantifiable sources like census information so, indeed, I did find myself 'walking on eggshells' simply due to the reality of each potential having many men chasing them. However, once I expanded to 'macro-vision', moving out into the larger world, meaning away from my locale, to seek out potential dates and mates, life became much more 'abundant' and I felt far more at ease to reject inappropriate and/or unhealthy potentials without giving them as much 'benefit of the doubt' and/or 'walking on eggshells'.

 

Today, that's why I don't bother trying to date locally. It's a waste of time, money and energy. I'll simply recover from my divorce financially, then leave. Big world, lots of people. Looking forward to it.

[KungFuJoe]

How I understand it.

 

Abundance mentality: I've had success and expect more success to come.

 

Scarcity mentality: I've not had any success. Don't know when I'll get any success but I'll keep trying, though I won't get my hopes up.

 

I'm not really sure how having a scarcity mentality is a bad thing. It's just being realistic. Any guy who has an abundance mentality when he hasn't had a date in years is simply delusional.

 

This is true as well.

 

It's really hard to define. Some people have good looks and natural charm and will attract the other sex without even trying. These people WILL have it easier than others. And that's the truth.

 

But that is not to say that your attitude doesn't make a difference. It does. Is it going to magically transform you into someone that turns heads wherever you go? No. But it can be the difference between "meh" and "hmmm...I wonder what that's all about".

[carhill]

As I experienced both, I think your assertion has traction. It took awhile to re-write old and unhealthy behaviors and to 'relax' more amongst the abundance and to genuinely enjoy it. I had to fight the old habit of feeling like the potential in front of me was 'scarce' and had to be guarded at all costs. Quite comical actually, reflecting upon it...

[mesmerized]

I will get hate for this but I think men can afford having abundance mentality because there really are a lot more attractive nice commitment minded women to go around but in men the whole package is more rare. If one doesn't look for someone with high quality though then you're right. Plenty of them and no need to lose sleep over losing one.

[JuneJulySeptember]

How I understand it.

 

Abundance mentality: I've had success and expect more success to come.

 

Scarcity mentality: I've not had any success. Don't know when I'll get any success but I'll keep trying, though I won't get my hopes up.

 

I'm not really sure how having a scarcity mentality is a bad thing. It's just being realistic. Any guy who has an abundance mentality when he hasn't had a date in years is simply delusional.

 

Yep. Application of abundance theory for an unsuccessful man.

 

"If I've been rejected by 50 women, it makes sense that the next 50 will reject me."

[Ami1uwant]

It goes hand in hand with the concept of you cant find it when you arre looking but when you arent its right under your nose.

 

Another theory is the maximizer vs satisfier debate in how people selected mates and dating behavior. Maximizers want to play the field and see what is all out there befor deciding while satisfyer just looks for something that works for them and not necessarily the best possible choice.

[carhill]

I will get hate for this but I think men can afford having abundance mentality because there really are a lot more attractive nice commitment minded women to go around but in men the whole package is more rare. If one doesn't look for someone with high quality though then you're right. Plenty of them and no need to lose sleep over losing one.

No hate here but that hasn't been my life experience relevant to gender. Otherwise, I'd be bouncing a grandchild on my knee right now and smiling happily at my life partner. Those who exemplify 'abundance' of desirable qualities in their demographic become 'scarce' or 'gone' quickly. The demographic decides that, not the individual. Change demographics and the dynamics change with it. That's what transiting from scarcity mentality to abundance mentality taught; the importance of matching demographics to one's personal style of living/being and being unafraid of marked changes in demographics to achieve synergy. One can be undesirable/less desirable/unattractive in one demographic and desirable/more desirable/attractive in another. The one is unchanged, the construct of the many has changed and the one is more symmetrical with the many.

[runningfar]

I was wondering how big of a role you think your mentality plays in dating. I believe it plays a pretty big part. It seems to me there are two ways of looking at it. Abundance mentality (plenty of fish in the sea, there are enough quality mates to go around) and scarcity mentality (there are a limited number of good people out there and for that reason I have to be very careful in how I handle them).

 

I've noticed this affects success rates for most people. People who have a scarcity mentality are always on eggshells, fearing one wrong move will cost them the relationship they're trying to build. ("I can't text her at 6pm! I did that yesterday! She'll think I'm annoying and leave me!"). It also feels like those who have that mentality can't truly be themselves because they fear they'll make a mistake. Ironically, the more serious you take dating, the more mistakes you're likely to make. The less success you're likely to have. You're all caught up in making sure you do everything just right that when something doesn't go according to plan, you overreact or spiral into a freefall. I also feel like those with this mentality handle breakups a lot worse because they're not sure when, if ever, they'll meet that next quality person again. They are also more prone to having lingering feelings about exes.

 

I think those with an abundance mentality are in a better mental/emotional state to succeed and kind of walk around with this attitude that they have nothing to lose. I don't know how effective that attitude is in attracting men but I know it's made me more successful with women. Walking around like you don't care about outcomes one way or the other because you don't take dating as seriously as others, to me, conveys the message that you have options. Even if you really don't.

 

I'm not saying I have countless women at my disposal ready to go at any minute, but having had both a scarcity mentality in my early days, and changing it to an abundance mentality now, has improved my success and my relatonships with women overall. I'm more comfortable, I don't meticulously plan my moves and strategize. I just live my life, do what I want, say what I want, without any fear of a grl leaving me or not liking me. I believe there are enough women out there to go around that if one door closes, another one will open.

 

These kinds of things to me are self fulfilling prophecies. If you believe the kind of people you're looking to date are rare, you will have limited success. If you believe there are plenty of people to choose from, your success will be better. Mindset counts for more than people think. It's not all about looks and height, or whatever else. Subconsciously your brain will have you do things that align with your beliefs. If you believe the market is limited, your brain will have you sabotaging relationships and/or overlooking good people to keep that belief a reality.

 

What kind of mentality do you have and has it affected your success one way or the other?

 

I am a woman and I believe finding good people to date is easy, and have found it to be so...

 

However, I had some self doubt because if being overweight before starting to date again post divorce and that didn't affect anything either. But I got over it quickly in that once I realized plenty of men were attracted to me I had no worries about who I am as a person keeping them around.

[ThaWholigan]

I will get hate for this but I think men can afford having abundance mentality because there really are a lot more attractive nice commitment minded women to go around but in men the whole package is more rare. If one doesn't look for someone with high quality though then you're right. Plenty of them and no need to lose sleep over losing one.

To an extent, yes we can.

[ThaWholigan]

How I understand it.

 

Abundance mentality: I've had success and expect more success to come.

 

Scarcity mentality: I've not had any success. Don't know when I'll get any success but I'll keep trying, though I won't get my hopes up.

 

I'm not really sure how having a scarcity mentality is a bad thing. It's just being realistic. Any guy who has an abundance mentality when he hasn't had a date in years is simply delusional.

Again, point proven.

 

I cultivated an abundance mentality before I had any success.

 

This is the BS that being pessimistic is ultimately being realistic. It's stupid, and you actually create those situations subconsciously rather than it happening to you.

 

I would encourage you to look at it differently as I have done almost the day I got to this forum, but I can't be assed anymore.

[mesmerized]

Most men don't find the sound of rattling ovaries particularly attractive.

 

Its ok, most women dont find a tree made of bones attractive either.