Million.to.1 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I was unsure of what sub-forum to post this in, and feel free to move it Moderator, but I guess I would like some opinions from some married and more mature people. In 21 days, my boyfriend will arrive from the other side of the world and be living with me permanently. He knows 1 person other than me in my city. He is very independent and hasn't been in a LTR for many years and hasn't lived with a GF since 2007. I haven't lived with a BF since i was 22. (i'm 33 now) We met 2.5 years ago while traveling and made a incredible connection. We traveled together for 6 weeks before itineraries lead us in opposite directions. The distance between our home towns was always prevalent so we just enjoyed our time together and stayed in touch, as friends, ever since. I have had 2 other relationships since meeting him. I haven't seen him in real life since we we parted ways with our backpacks. I guess some serious seeds were planted and now have sprung up and we are making the massive changes necessary in order to give a real relationship a go. Anyway.. we will be in each others pockets quite a bit when he gets here and as i'm sure that will be great for the first week or two, but I know that there is also plenty of opportunity for it to all "get a bit much" and that the adjustment to being with someone alot all of a sudden is going to be challenging for both of us. We will be doing some sight seeing/ holidaying, house hunting, he will be job hunting, there's lot's to do, organise and discuss etc. I really want this to work and I want to make sure he doesn't feel suffocated or co-dependent or whatever. I will do whatever it takes to help him through this massive life-change that he is undertaking for me. I was reading on another thread about woman "moving to fast" and trying to get involved in every aspect of their mans life, over staying their welcome early in a relationship, wanting to leave toiletries in the bathroom etc... basically, as a way to feel connected and move the relationship forward, they display clingy or pushy traits which men find too much too soon. As we are kinda forced into taking things like moving in together to the next level much sooner than most relationships do, I really want to be aware of not making him feel like this any more than he will anyway. Any advice??
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I know... But i don't want to blow it by being unconscious of his need for a little "man" space. He is pretty used to being on his own.. How can i give him time out from me and us, without dropping him off in town by himself and saying "have fun... i'll pick you up at 6!"
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Thanks Will, that's good advice. But we will be living together....from day 1 and be moving in together properly as soon as we find a suitable rental. We have a house-sitting arrangement for some friends of mine for 10 days when he first arrives. Then back at my parents place for awhile till find our own place. (I'm living with them temporarily for the last year while i set up my business. We have to get a place together so we can apply for a partner visa after 12 months. As he is on A working holiday visa which only last 12 months, We have to prove our relationship to immigration in order for him to stay on after that and one of the criteria is 12 months living together.
jwi71 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 My opinion it's a disaster waiting to happen. A few weeks together and the odd meeting and online interaction don't an R make. Way too soon and way too fast given how little you know of him. And by this I mean all the mannerisms you haven't seen or noticed in a dating sense - much less a live together sense. I would rent a place for him. Give him his own space and let you two develop more naturally - this rush to move in is all about $$$ and tats NOT the reason to cohabitate.
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 My opinion it's a disaster waiting to happen. A few weeks together and the odd meeting and online interaction don't an R make. Way too soon and way too fast given how little you know of him. And by this I mean all the mannerisms you haven't seen or noticed in a dating sense - much less a live together sense. I would rent a place for him. Give him his own space and let you two develop more naturally - this rush to move in is all about $$$ and tats NOT the reason to cohabitate. While i appreciate what you are saying, we don't really have much of a choice. I can't get him "his own place" as after 12 months, he would have to leave as we are "required" to live together for a 12 month period before we can apply for a more permanent visa for him. I understand what you are saying, and even though your pessimistic opinion of our situation has some valid points, I am simply trying to make the best of what is unconventional in terms of the natural development for a relationship. I'm not looking for people to rain on my parade. I am simply looking for ways to help us both deal with what i know will be challenging sometimes. 2
cocorico Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I moved across the world to live with my partner after a LDR. It was more complicated in that I was not allowed to work in terms of my initial visa, only once we had the partner visa, so building my own professional networks took longer. What worked - initially we were in rented accommodation which was partly furnished, so I did not have the same sense of being a squatter in someone else's space that I may have don if I simply moved into their space. It was temporary and we both made the best of it (I'd helped choose it from the Internet) knowing we'd have time to create our own space together. I think that is important - that you will be looking for and choosing a place together, so that it's both of yours and not just him squatting in your space. Friends - his friends were very welcoming from the start and were soon my friends too, but I needed to form my own friendships and not just be part of a couple. Social events where he can meet many people, as well as activities he enjoys where he can meet others can help with this. And of course the new friends you meet and make as a couple, who were not just your friends originally, also matter. Family - he will be away from his, you will be with yours, at least initially. He needs to forge his own Rs with them, rather than just being your partner. Hopefully they will all get on, and he fill have a surrogate family, but if not let him know that it's not a Dealbreaker for you (unless it is...) The place - show him around, and then let him get on with it. Let him discover for himself the vagaries of public transport, the awful roads, the cafe that does a great hot chocolate, the best live music venue, which shop is best for fresh pomegranates... And let him share his discoveries with you even if you feel you know the place backward. Encourage him to keep contact with friends back home or elsewhere through FB, Skype, etc, and take lots of photos of him in the new place and tag him so all his friends and family can see him settling in to his new life. With you. Let them friend you but don't rush to friend up everyone on his list like some vampire stealing his other life - it will happen slowly as he integrates his two worlds. Let his fresh eyes help to "make the familiar strange" for you, because in doing so it will help him to "make the strange familiar". Good luck! 1
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Awesome advice cocorico! That's just the sort of thing i'm looking for. Thank-you! 1
Els Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 IMO it's a pity that the requirements of immigration sort of forces people into a rather awkward relationship development. I can definitely understand why you need him to live with you; every day he spends living elsewhere is just going to delay the possibility of him obtaining a partner-sponsored visa, and he can't stay for long without one. The others have given great suggestions about bringing him around to meet people so he can have friends of his own and feel more at home. Personally, I'd suggest that you two get a 2-bedroom place if you can afford it - it's more expensive, but it makes it a lot easier to ease from LDR to living together everyday, as you have much more personal space. You don't have to sleep apart, he just has a designated room where he can spend time in when he wants to have some alone-time, especially if he's more of the introverted sort. If you can't afford it, at the very least try to avoid a studio apartment. Other than that, I think the standard advice given to couples moving in together for the first time apply: Give each other time for personal hobbies, respect each others' space, pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff, remember to go out on date nights as well instead of spending every night on the couch with the TV on. 1
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I think we are going to try and get a 3 or 4 bedroom house and get a flatmate or 2... maybe another couple. Or move into an already established house that are looking for a couple. I think it might be nice to have some other people around and i like the social element of a group living environment. He'll meet more new people that way too... them, their friends.. etc.
Els Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Hmm, be careful with the flatmates. I'm not sure exactly what INZ wants, but I have heard tales of them rejecting applicants for just being flatmates, ie 'not living together in genuine and stable relationship'. I'd think that having other non-relatives in the same house would raise some suspicion in that regard, you'd be best off double-checking it. 1
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 ok... thanks for the tip. 1
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 While i appreciate what you are saying, we don't really have much of a choice. I can't get him "his own place" as after 12 months, he would have to leave as we are "required" to live together for a 12 month period before we can apply for a more permanent visa for him. I understand what you are saying, and even though your pessimistic opinion of our situation has some valid points, I am simply trying to make the best of what is unconventional in terms of the natural development for a relationship. I'm not looking for people to rain on my parade. I am simply looking for ways to help us both deal with what i know will be challenging sometimes. I'm sorry if I have a...more cautious....oh, who I am kidding, I'm straight saying this is a recipe for disaster. I'm not trying to rain on your parade I'm trying to be helpful. Transitioning to "living together" with a guy you last saw IRL years ago and from which you had a 6 week fling - and only online contact since - not good. It's such a massive leap. Why can't you guys visit each other? Why can't you put an end date on his first visit to you? 30 days. He can look for a job and you both get actually date. At the end of 30 he goes home. Rinse and repeat. I know you won't listen to what I'm saying and I'm not saying this just to be a jerk. I have significant worries that you two, as a couple, are not ready for this. And the ONLY reason you are doing this is one of convenience. Not a good way. Cohabiting, IMO, is the next step after dating IRL and each choosing it - not for $$$ or convenience or "have to". I do, despite all this, want it to work out. I want you and Romeo to be happy together. I don't think the way you are going about gets you there. Not your enemy here. Trying to help
Els Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 It's such a massive leap. Why can't you guys visit each other? Why can't you put an end date on his first visit to you? 30 days. He can look for a job and you both get actually date. At the end of 30 he goes home. Rinse and repeat. I don't think you understand the way immigration in most countries work, especially million's. Nobody can go to another country for 30 days, look for a job (it takes at least a week to get a job! and who'll hire you for 21 days?!) and then leave, rinse, and repeat. He has only ONE chance to come and work, which is a WHV, which is granted you ONCE in your lifetime. Once he passes that chance up by leaving after 30 days, their only other option is for him to come on a tourist visa that doesn't allow you to work, and he will have to live off her for ONE YEAR before he can be granted a partner visa. Nobody is saying that her method has no risks but yours is far worse. In immigration cases it really is go big or go home. 2
jwi71 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I don't think you understand the way immigration in most countries work, especially million's. Not only unnecessary but incorrect - having worked and lived in 5 countries and immigrating my first W back back to the US. Been through my fair share of immigration paperwork. I certainly don't know the specifics - especially as the two countries in play have not been identified, but I DO have experience, in a general sense, of options. Nobody can go to another country for 30 days, look for a job (it takes at least a week to get a job! and who'll hire you for 21 days?!) and then leave, rinse, and repeat. I must have missed her BF's job. How employable is he in her country? Is the job market for his skill set in demand? Are there govt restrictions in play (protectionist hiring policy)? Does her bf even LIKE visiting there much less working? As the OP owns her business - can she hire him legally? Why not arrive and "test the waters" so to speak? What if he can't find a job? What if he can but the govt places hurdles to his actual employment there causing delays? And maybe instead of going all in, why can't he visit and date for 30 days as a tourist then leave. Return again. Or she can go visit him. And maybe during one of these thirty day visits he looks for jobs that suit him. Just to see what is available. If it looks good, then back to the WHV idea. And if it's not? What then? He has only ONE chance to come and work, which is a WHV, which is granted you ONCE in your lifetime. So he gets one opportunity to seek work? You arrive, you are granted this WHV and if you cannot "use it" you're done? Seems odd. Every country I obtained a work visa in did it the other way around. First you secured the job and THEN you got the visa. That's true of Japan, China, Spore, Indonesia, and the US. Seems like anyone could legally get residence there just by asking for the opportunity to work - at least for a year anyway. Or is this WHV a marital/fiancé visa? I may not have understood you correctly. Did I? Once he passes that chance up by leaving after 30 days, their only other option is for him to come on a tourist visa that doesn't allow you to work, and he will have to live off her for ONE YEAR before he can be granted a partner visa. If he can't find a job, and I haven't seen his qualifications to guess how likely that is, this may very well be the case anyway. And what if workplace culture shock proves too much and he can't hold a job for long. How would that affect his visa? Them as a couple? Nobody is saying that her method has no risks but yours is far worse. In immigration cases it really is go big or go home. Well that's the great thing about the Internet. Lots of ideas and perspectives - some of which you may not agree with. I don't agree that this is there only option. But I don't have to denigrate you or your opinion in the process.
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) Sorry jwi71, but I guess you are coming into the story a bit late. If you like, you can spend an hour reading this incredibly long thread which goes into PLENTY of detail about our situation and explains all the reasons why we made the decisions we have made. Elswyth and many other kind LS posters were very helpful during that few weeks as the thread demonstrates, offering additional information and things to consider, as me and him were deciding whether or not to do this and all the hows/where's and why's of it all. We are having a "trial period" as you say... but it's not 30 days. It's 1 year, and unfortunately, to even have the OPTION for him to stay on, we need to live together. The reason we don't visit each other is we live 13,822 kms away from each other and return flights are $3000. We are also both in creative industries and don't earn truck loads of cash for endless flights across the world. Anyway, the thread explains everything. I appreciate what you are saying, i really do. But please understand, It's not like I haven't thought through all those things either. Right?! THIS IS THE THREAD - don't feel obliged though.. Edited January 11, 2013 by Million.to.1
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Sorry jwi71, but I guess you are coming into the story a bit late. Clearly ...last post before I retire for the night. If you like, you can spend an hour reading this incredibly long thread which goes into PLENTY of detail about our situation and explains all the reasons why we made the decisions we have made. I did read it - thank you it was helpful. However, having read it, I do not think I can honestly change my opinion. Its also clear I am not communicating my thoughts well - which is frustrating for all involved. Elswyth and many other kind LS posters were very helpful during that few weeks as the thread demonstrates, offering additional information and things to consider, as me and him were deciding whether or not to do this and all the hows/where's and why's of it all. I think many good points were brought up - but you have been determined to do this long before approaching LS. Many of the points I addressed were brought up previously. We are having a "trial period" as you say... but it's not 30 days. It's 1 year, and unfortunately, to even have the OPTION for him to stay on, we need to live together. OK...dead horse..I'll give it one more kick Why cant he visit as a tourist three times and during those times read the local want ads for musicians? That's what I wanted to suggest - and yes I know, not happening. The reason we don't visit each other is we live 13,822 kms away from each other and return flights are $3000. We are also both in creative industries and don't earn truck loads of cash for endless flights across the world. BTDT...first W was in Jakarta and me in Texas - so yeah, I know what its like. (We had very different circumstances having spent years together in Grad school) Anyway, the thread explains everything. No it doesn't...why won't my souffles rise? I didn't see that there - clearly it didn't answer everything I appreciate what you are saying, i really do. But please understand, It's not like I haven't thought through all those things either. Right?! Thinking it and living...very different. I'm not changing your mind - no one could. I do NOT speak "badly" out of malice but because its my honest assessment based on what I know of human behavior and my own experiences. Ya know, don't make the same mistakes I did. When its not a choice its a burden. I fear you will come to know this. Now - go prove me wrong - I'd love to be wrong
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 Clearly No it doesn't...why won't my souffles rise? I suppose they are like life, right? - difficult to get right, and require practice...and then you still might fail... But if you use good ingredients, your failures will still be delicious! Thinking it and living...very different. I'm not changing your mind - no one could. I do NOT speak "badly" out of malice but because its my honest assessment based on what I know of human behavior and my own experiences. Ya know, don't make the same mistakes I did. When its not a choice its a burden. I fear you will come to know this. Now - go prove me wrong - I'd love to be wrong I plan to. And no, there is no going back now... No minds will be changed. But please... feel free to share your experience with me. If you have first hand knowledge of what a situation like this is like, then please, offer your insight. Saying "don't do it" doesn't really help, cause that's what's happening. I'm sure there is plenty you could offer if just accept the circumstances as they are, and went from there. I'm sure there will be ways to make this manageable and make it work. We are both grown ups, and we both really want this. We are going in, EYES OPEN to the pressure we are putting on ourselves. That's why I am looking for practical ways and advice on how best to manage it, the way it has to be. 1
Els Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I must have missed her BF's job. How employable is he in her country? Is the job market for his skill set in demand? Are there govt restrictions in play (protectionist hiring policy)? Does her bf even LIKE visiting there much less working? As the OP owns her business - can she hire him legally? Why not arrive and "test the waters" so to speak? What if he can't find a job? What if he can but the govt places hurdles to his actual employment there causing delays? The WHV is the only 'open' work visa that you can get barring other circumstances that don't apply to the two of them. Other work visas depend on your employer sponsoring you in, and in that case they need to prove legally that no citizen can do your job. Not feasible for someone in his field, I think, and extremely difficult to get. And maybe instead of going all in, why can't he visit and date for 30 days as a tourist then leave. Return again. Or she can go visit him. And maybe during one of these thirty day visits he looks for jobs that suit him. Just to see what is available. If it looks good, then back to the WHV idea. And if it's not? What then? I think they have already visited each other and spent time together IRL, albeit for shorter periods of time. Why the necessity for 30 days anyway? I'd think it's quite unrealistic for most working adults to just take 30 days off at a stretch. So he gets one opportunity to seek work? You arrive, you are granted this WHV and if you cannot "use it" you're done? Seems odd. Every country I obtained a work visa in did it the other way around. First you secured the job and THEN you got the visa. That's true of Japan, China, Spore, Indonesia, and the US. Seems like anyone could legally get residence there just by asking for the opportunity to work - at least for a year anyway. Perhaps google the WHV. If he can't find a job, and I haven't seen his qualifications to guess how likely that is, this may very well be the case anyway. And what if workplace culture shock proves too much and he can't hold a job for long. How would that affect his visa? Them as a couple? It doesn't except for the fact that she will have to support him financially while he looks for another job, which she will have to anyway if he comes on tourist. Well that's the great thing about the Internet. Lots of ideas and perspectives - some of which you may not agree with. I don't agree that this is there only option. But I don't have to denigrate you or your opinion in the process. Well I have personally been through the immigration process in million's country so I am quite well-placed to state my opinions. Edited January 11, 2013 by Elswyth 1
Els Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Hrm, sorry that I sounded a bit snippy, jwi. You're right, we're all trying to give advice. I guess my point really was that it's going to take a lot of time to explain every bit of the immigration laws here to you, and frankly there isn't much to be gained from it. Can we not just accept the fact that this really is the best option for her based on the immigration laws here, without derailing the thread with long explanations of them, and focus on her question instead? 1
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I suppose they are like life, right? - difficult to get right, and require practice...and then you still might fail... But if you use good ingredients, your failures will still be delicious! No. I just suck at cooking. I burn water. I screw it up even in the microwave. But please... feel free to share your experience with me. If you have first hand knowledge of what a situation like this is like, then please, offer your insight. Saying "don't do it" doesn't really help, cause that's what's happening. I'm sure there is plenty you could offer if just accept the circumstances as they are, and went from there. I have been in your BFs shoes. It was not easy - and we had been married for years with children to boot! I am not certain that either of you appreciate the complexities. And it's simply because neither has any experience with it and not because your stupid. First of all, do not take legal or medical advice from ANYONE over the Internet. Hire a local lawyer who specializes in Kiwi Immigration. Don't just ask a friend of a friend - hire one if you haven't. You need one because if there is anything a govt can do its be slow and screw up the process they themselves created. Have a plan if that happens. Yes, it happened to me - causing 10k USD lawyer fees and an additional delay of four months and obviously stress. Just have a "just in case" plan. Second, and I realize your BF isn't me but I would be and was miserable waiting for my work visa. I couldn't work. I was trapped at home. I felt small. I felt like I wasn't pulling my weight. But that's me. It may not be an issue for him but being in legal limbo, waiting for permission to legally work, sucks (for me). And it strained our M. I fear what this strain does, should it materialize, to you. Be wary of resentment born of the above. He is literally giving away all his power. It's YOUR house, it's YOUR money, they're YOUR friends, it's YOUR country - he has little power or control of his life until he gets work and so on. Until then, it's 24 x 7 of him being "subordinate" to you. Basically, the R becomes less egalitarian and more lop-sided. I worry that if those feelings materialized on me after being married for 7 years with two kids - it is more likely to materialize in him given that your R is better defined by time apart than together. I don't know if you have lived with a BF before but it is a stressor. The R changes when that next step is taken. And getting M changes things yet again. It seems like a huge rush to go from online to live together - and you are moving cross planet to boot with all the stress that entails - because culture hits hard. Even in the UK it hit me. Traveling extensively and settling there sight unseen are not the same. I worry that his living in your parents is, to say the least awkward, for him. Expect intimacy to be...weird. And what if they don't get along? You have already indicated a cash crunch. One that forces you to live with patents. Money is a large stress in many R's and when you start out in such a way that you "have" to move in together to simply be together and not only that it's your parents house - you are setting yourself for trouble. I see lots of stress (well, potential stress but IME it'll happen) hitting a new R. I have great fears your R collapses under the weight of it all. I worry, absent legal advice (provided that's true and I don't know that it is), you put on blinders and focus on "the only way". How does U2 play in New Zealand? The concert is a money making venture and should require a visa for the band. Is there an artistic Visa? To allow an artist to enter a perform the gigs you booked him (hint hint)? Yeah I know, beating a dead horse I'm sure there will be ways to make this manageable and make it work. We are both grown ups, and we both really want this. We are going in, EYES OPEN to the pressure we are putting on ourselves. That's why I am looking for practical ways and advice on how best to manage it, the way it has to be. You can't make it work. It does or it doesn't. And it takes time together to know if it will. But you don't have that time together. You're forcing it. You guys have stress and you aren't even together yet - witness these threads. Despite being negative I do want you to be happy. But I see only hardship and pain down the path you choose. Sorry. It's just the way I see it.
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 First of all, do not take legal or medical advice from ANYONE over the Internet. Hire a local lawyer who specializes in Kiwi Immigration. Don't just ask a friend of a friend - hire one if you haven't. You need one because if there is anything a govt can do its be slow and screw up the process they themselves created. Have a plan if that happens. Yes, it happened to me - causing 10k USD lawyer fees and an additional delay of four months and obviously stress. Just have a "just in case" plan. What exactly do i need a lawyer for? I don't understand. I think immigration between 2 commonwealth countries is relatively straight forward. If we have ANY issues, i will obtain legal advice. Second, and I realize your BF isn't me but I would be and was miserable waiting for my work visa. I couldn't work. I was trapped at home. I felt small. I felt like I wasn't pulling my weight. But that's me. It may not be an issue for him but being in legal limbo, waiting for permission to legally work, sucks (for me). And it strained our M. I fear what this strain does, should it materialize, to you. On the WHV (working holiday visa), he can start working from the day he arrives. He just needs to find a job. That shouldn't be a problem. He can do various things for work and slowly build his music connections. Be wary of resentment born of the above. He is literally giving away all his power. It's YOUR house, it's YOUR money, they're YOUR friends, it's YOUR country - he has little power or control of his life until he gets work and so on. Until then, it's 24 x 7 of him being "subordinate" to you. Basically, the R becomes less egalitarian and more lop-sided. I worry that if those feelings materialized on me after being married for 7 years with two kids - it is more likely to materialize in him given that your R is better defined by time apart than together. I don't know if you have lived with a BF before but it is a stressor. The R changes when that next step is taken. And getting M changes things yet again. It seems like a huge rush to go from online to live together - and you are moving cross planet to boot with all the stress that entails - because culture hits hard. Even in the UK it hit me. Traveling extensively and settling there sight unseen are not the same. This is helpful... and yes, completely true. How can i "even the playing field" so to speak... Make it LESS lopsided... give him feelings of independence and offer ways that allow him to craft relationships and interests that don't involve me? I worry that his living in your parents is, to say the least awkward, for him. Expect intimacy to be...weird. And what if they don't get along? we have a house sit for 10 days when he first arrives. My parents have a 3 level, 5 bedroom house and we will only be there for a few weeks while finding our own place. I have a great relationship with them. Both me and him are very tight with our families. Our moms are friends on FB already. I do realise it may be awkward for him, yes. There are options though if it's weird. Some friends of mine may have a spare room for a month or 2 while their flatmate is away. They said we/ he can stay for that time if need be. Also, My cousin lives alone and has a spare room, and we might go out of town for a few days on a bit of a camping mission up north anyway during that time. We will be pretty busy and won't be in Ma & Pas face too much, so I think it will be manageable, and if not, there is plan a,b,c and d. You have already indicated a cash crunch. One that forces you to live with patents. Money is a large stress in many R's and when you start out in such a way that you "have" to move in together to simply be together and not only that it's your parents house - you are setting yourself for trouble. Cash it not THAT crunched... It hasn't "forced" me to live with my parents. I chose to move home last year so i could study small business management part-time, work-part time and set-up my business. It just gave me WAY more options as I will run the business from their place for the first couple of years. I use alot of their garden space for stock. (plants). I still pay approx the same amount of RENT to my parents that i would in a flat, so it's hardly reflective of my financial position. It was more of a life-style choice. How does U2 play in New Zealand? The concert is a money making venture and should require a visa for the band. Is there an artistic Visa? To allow an artist to enter a perform the gigs you booked him (hint hint)? Yeah I know, beating a dead horse My boyfriend isn't Bono. You can't make it work. It does or it doesn't. And it takes time together to know if it will. But you don't have that time together. You're forcing it. You guys have stress and you aren't even together yet - witness these threads. Despite being negative I do want you to be happy. But I see only hardship and pain down the path you choose. Sorry. It's just the way I see it. Well, there really hasn't been any stress so far at all. Apart from the initial decision making, and any hurdles have been calmly worked through together. But Ok.. I hear you and i understand what you are saying. You COULD be right, but we are not there yet. So I want tools and insight to prepare myself to best handle problems that are likely. That way, i have a chance to prevent them from destroying what i know, could be, a really amazing and life long relationship.
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 I think they have already visited each other and spent time together IRL, albeit for shorter periods of time. We actually haven't Elswyth. I haven't seen him in person since late 2010. Scary huh!
Els Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 We actually haven't Elswyth. I haven't seen him in person since late 2010. Scary huh! Snap I must've missed that. I definitely think a visit prior would've been a good idea. But if the two of you can only afford the one and only plane ticket, the WHV is as good as any. At the very least, even in the worst case scenario that it doesn't work out, he would have had the opportunity to try out his art in a new country. Or at least I hope he sees it that way. 1
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 What exactly do i need a lawyer for? I don't understand. I think immigration between 2 commonwealth countries is relatively straight forward. If we have ANY issues, i will obtain legal advice. You need a lawyer to help with all you don't know. Not an insult at all - but I would consider talking to one and laying out the details. A professional who is trained and experienced is in no way a bad idea. And do you know if you can rent a house with others? Or is Elswyth fear been addressed - namely that sharing a house may not qualify on this one shot deal. That alone is worth the consult. That's it. It's all about knowledge. And immigration is not only complex but fluid as well. So go get professional advice. It can't hurt. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. On the WHV (working holiday visa), he can start working from the day he arrives. He just needs to find a job. That shouldn't be a problem. He can do various things for work and slowly build his music connections. Gotcha. And that is ancillary to the true issue - of moving in together because of "have to" and not "choose to". I know you will argue otherwise but you don't know him. 6 weeks a few years ago and regular Skype does not knowing someone make. To know someone you have to spend time with them. Over time. And regularly. This is helpful... and yes, completely true. How can i "even the playing field" so to speak... Make it LESS lopsided... give him feelings of independence and offer ways that allow him to craft relationships and interests that don't involve me? Impossible. You live together. And...if that happens to a well established (ten years) married couple....what's gonna happen here when you don't know him. What you know are what he says - and what he says he does - but you DON'T how he acts and behaves. You haven't seen it. Hell, you haven't seen him (in person) in 3 years. You have no idea how angry he gets. Or depressed. Or frustrated. Or anything else - you've never seen it. Only heard, from him, how. Not attacking anyone - just stating facts. we have a house sit for 10 days when he first arrives. My parents have a 3 level, 5 bedroom house and we will only be there for a few weeks while finding our own place. I have a great relationship with them. Both me and him are very tight with our families. Our moms are friends on FB already. I do realise it may be awkward for him, yes. There are options though if it's weird. Some friends of mine may have a spare room for a month or 2 while their flatmate is away. They said we/ he can stay for that time if need be. Also, My cousin lives alone and has a spare room, and we might go out of town for a few days on a bit of a camping mission up north anyway during that time. We will be pretty busy and won't be in Ma & Pas face too much, so I think it will be manageable, and if not, there is plan a,b,c and d. FB and living together not the same. I like my-laws. I f_cking hate it when they visit much less live together -haha, no way would that work. See what I'm saying? Cash it not THAT crunched... It hasn't "forced" me to live with my parents. I chose to move home last year so i could study small business management part-time, work-part time and set-up my business. It just gave me WAY more options as I will run the business from their place for the first couple of years. I use alot of their garden space for stock. (plants). I still pay approx the same amount of RENT to my parents that i would in a flat, so it's hardly reflective of my financial position. It was more of a life-style choice. If its more or less cash neutral move out. Your life-style choice then is no longer applicable with the BF moving in too. My boyfriend isn't Bono. Immaterial. If you don't believe me ask a lawyer I know nothing of Kiwi law yet I know that. How do I know that? I'm willing to bet small Indie groups and sculptors and so on put on shows. Besides, to delineate the law based on "quality" of an art would be a nightmare in practice - after all, what's good music? And since you didn't go into how U2 or athletes or artists arrive, work short term, then leave I will presume you don't know. Another good Q for a lawyer. I wonder if this lawyer, should you go, have alternatives. And maybe he doesn't. Only one way to know for sure.... Well, there really hasn't been any stress so far at all. Apart from the initial decision making, and any hurdles have been calmly worked through together. But Ok.. I hear you and i understand what you are saying. You COULD be right, but we are not there yet. So I want tools and insight to prepare myself to best handle problems that are likely. That way, i have a chance to prevent them from destroying what i know, could be, a really amazing and life long relationship. Based on what I know of humanity and my own similar experiences, the path you choose will prove destructive to this budding romance. You cannot isolate or insulate the stresses coming - the circumstances conspire against you. And because the path you choose forces cohabitation you cannot escape this stress. Correction, HE can't. 1) you don't truly know him, only hearsay 2) you haven't seen him in years (aside from Skype) 3) you "have" to move on in order to move forward with him 4) you are completely skipping dating 5) you want this too much. It blinds you. I know you want it. I want it for you - which I say this path is not the only way nor is it the best way. In fact, it's the worst way. I admire your full speed ahead risk taking attitude though I like it. It's good in many ways. But not in R's.
Author Million.to.1 Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Yes of course I will look further into the living situation with flatmates, obviously, now that it has been bought to my attention. But I think i can probably save $800 per hour though and rather than ask a lawyer... i can ask here... New Zealand Everything you say is true, but none of it really helps me. I think you are projecting alot of your personal feelings and experiences onto me as it's making you see everything very negatively. I gather your marriage has failed? I gather it cost you alot and you haven't fully recovered yet either, right? I think it's funny that you say things like this... "If its more or less cash neutral move out." ... what is the point of saying this? You don't like the idea of living with YOUR parents so you offer a pointless piece of advice? I will be moving out in a few weeks. You think i should do it sooner or something? I don't get the point of it. Just to say it?? I understand how a bad personal experience this could darken your perception of our situation, but it doesn't mean ours is actually that black. I guess i would rather stay positive at this stage, as there is alot to look forward to and enjoy about it too let's not forget. We have tangented way off my original questions now, and I can't spend forever justifying every specific detail to someone who will only EVER see it the situation as COMPLETELY DOOMED anyway. No, it's not ideal. Yes we have other options, but this is what we have chosen. This is the plan that best suits US. As individuals, and as a pair. Now, i would LOVE some practical and positive ways to move forward. Do you have any of those?
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