acapelo_dp Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 My ex and I were good friends for 3 years (long distance friends - he lived 2.5 hours away). Starting seeing each other February 2012 and became official May 2012. Everything went pretty well, we had a good relationship and were best friends. He was finishing up his final year of uni and I finished uni and was working in my hometown. He had some issues, and only had two relationships which both girls ended after one month. He is diagnosed with panic disorder and GAD and has trouble expressing his emotions. Nonetheless, he was very caring and positive. He told me he never had a real argument in his entire life. Fast forward October 2012, we began to argue over some past issues. Stupid I know, but it happened. They weren't big arguments, just issues any regular couple would have. We got through it and everything seemed to be ok. We were planning on moving in together after he finished school so he could take teaching, which he expressed great excitement about. We talked about marriage, etc. He told me how happy he was and how much he loved me. His birthday was November 6th, 2012. I got him a nice picture frame that had cute words all over it and took him to dinner. Nothing seemed off. Then, a week later, he drove down to come get me. That day he was texting me and we were making plans, he told me how excited he was to see me. He arrived, his car was turned off and he turned his lights off. I knew something was wrong. I got in the car and he told me we needed to talk, that he didn't think we were meant for each other and he wasn't happy. and that he needed to be alone. I cried, and asked if I could come with him anyways because I didn't want to be alone (stupid, I know). He disagreed at first but then agreed. On the way it was awkward, I asked questions and he exploded in tears and couldn't give me answers. He had to pull over to the side of the road he was so upset. When we got to his apartment we talked it out, he said he was stressed out with school, dropped some classes, couldn't deal and didn't want to be a teacher anymore. But he said he was happy and we decided to work things out. I went back home and the next week was perfect, he was talking about how happy he was to have me and loved me, etc. I went to visit him exactly a week later, spent the night. The next morning he seemed off. I asked what was wrong and he said he feels as though he's going crazy. Basically he said he was with me not to hurt me and I was still a wonderful girl and he wanted to talk still. Needless to say I was heartbroken. I cried in his arms for an hour before driving almost 3 hours home. This was November 22nd. The next 2 weeks I cried to him, asked questions, dug and dug and he always responded with "I don't know" and didn't want to talk about the issues at all. He built up a wall and became very cold unless we talked happily. But he wanted to be my friend still. It was a very, very confusing time. He would talk to me everyday still, yet wouldn't discuss anything of emotional value. New years eve, we hadn't talked in 4 days. I was drunk and I shouldn't have but texted him. i can't remember the exact conversation as I was impaired, but I said some bitchy and sarcastic things out of hurt. He exploded. He said I make him feel terrible about everything, that I'm the entire reason that he had a mental breakdown and he's never had a relationship like this before, that "I'm a wonderful girl but not for me. Never for me. Take care and **** you" I was begging to let me call him to talk, he didn't budge. He told me I turned him into a hateful and angry person and I took him out of his "immature little positive world" and everything was my fault. The next day, I apologized. He did as well. The next day I said I wanted to say something to him, that I am sorry for my part but I have never been talked to that way in my life and it was abusive, and I never want to be talked to in that way ever again. He responded "I already said sorry, deal with it or don't talk to me anymore, your call" Basically I am weak and apologized when I shouldn't have. I should have said "**** you too" but I can't let him go. Now he will text me every few days "Hi how are you doing?" He said he said those things nye out of anger. I'm so confused and hurt and just can't get my head around this. I can't help but feel as though the things he said out of anger were true, that his mental breakdown WAS because of me. But I've had relationships up to 5 years long and I've never caused someone that much stress and grief. I was a normal girlfriend. My self esteem is completely shot. I don't want to be the ex girlfriend he hates and thinks I'm psycho, when I feel it is him that has the emotional issues. But he has it in my head it's ME. and I can't let it go. And I can't stop being in love with him. At first he said everything was his fault, he was sorry he hurt me, was afraid to see me in person because he would think about everything he did to hurt me, and now all his anger is directed at me. Maybe I have pushed him too far. I feel like a terrible person.
flitzanu Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 he has dumped you, more than once now, and you aren't letting him. you keep begging your way back into it when he's obviously wanting out of it. he broke up with you, so be broken up, and stop communicating with him.
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 he has dumped you, more than once now, and you aren't letting him. you keep begging your way back into it when he's obviously wanting out of it. he broke up with you, so be broken up, and stop communicating with him. But he is the one who wants to keep in touch. I never initiate contact first, he always does. And I don't know why. He would get mad if I blocked him off facebook, twitter, etc.
Lasatra Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Delete him out of your life.. you could delete your facebook (I did), NC is the best way..
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Delete him out of your life.. you could delete your facebook (I did), NC is the best way.. I tried before..he will just think I'm the bad person because I don't want to be friends and gets offended. Saying "it's your decision, I'll always be your friend" etc. He's so confusing. During his mental breakdown I feel like I'm the one turning psychotic.
TaraMaiden Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Will you please, fer chrissakes, stop worrying about what he will think, or what he wants....!?! Who cares?! HOW DARE HE - !?!! Why, when your heart is breaking, and you're sad, distressed and confused, should he STILL be the one calling all the shots?? THis is YOUR heart that needs to heal! These are YOUR emotions that need comfort! This is your life YOU must lead!!! Read the Caliguy No Contact Guide in my signature.... He wants to be friends, because it strokes his ego, makes him feel better, and because he thinks he's entitled to crush you - and keep you - at the same time!! Oh really?? No, really NOT!!
flitzanu Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 But he is the one who wants to keep in touch. I never initiate contact first, he always does. And I don't know why. He would get mad if I blocked him off facebook, twitter, etc. pay attention to what tara wrote. this isn't about him. he dumped you. if you got fired from a job, would you keep going back to it every day? he fired you from his life. he's stringing you along, just to keep you in his back pocket to bang you. this isn't about him getting mad, who cares if he gets mad? aren't you MAD that he dumped you? you can't dump somenoe and expect everything to stay the same, that's the point of breaking up.
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 pay attention to what tara wrote. this isn't about him. he dumped you. if you got fired from a job, would you keep going back to it every day? he fired you from his life. he's stringing you along, just to keep you in his back pocket to bang you. this isn't about him getting mad, who cares if he gets mad? aren't you MAD that he dumped you? you can't dump somenoe and expect everything to stay the same, that's the point of breaking up. True. I feel so weak right now it's unbelievable. I've been following him around like a lost puppy basically and he is turning things around on me. The thing is, he doesn't even want sex from me. When I asked if he ever wanted to see me in person again he responded "I have no idea" lol. yet he wants to see how I'm doing every few days. No. That's not right. I'm being manipulated into thinking I'm the bad guy if I stop contact.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 You're being manipulated full-stop! Come on, woman - don't be such a patsy! You make it sound as if you'd be willing to settle for just being a cock-vessel.... And of course, that is just completely and totally out of the question. I mean - you would NEVER stoop so low as to just give him sex, because he wanted to use you for that - would you?
FailedFirstLove Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 (edited) I was like you too many times I held onto him because I thought it was never the end. But it's now really the end... you can't hold onto them forever when they constantly want out. Mine was stressed about school and I wanted to be the one that was there for him. And now I look back and he didnt want me there, he felt like I was adding more stress... He didnt want anyone o care. He just wanted to go out have fun and forget the problems he was having. His still immature so he hides from te problem instead of facing it. I hope you will realize that it's time to let go. The more u hold on the more u will hurt after. It will end like this again one day Lastly don't blame URSELF! I went through that because he made me feel terrible. Felt like it was all me doing bad things. But really it's their excuse out... They dot know how else to say it so they have to make themselves the victim Edited January 10, 2013 by FailedFirstLove
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 You're being manipulated full-stop! Come on, woman - don't be such a patsy! You make it sound as if you'd be willing to settle for just being a cock-vessel.... And of course, that is just completely and totally out of the question. I mean - you would NEVER stoop so low as to just give him sex, because he wanted to use you for that - would you? I would never have sex with him now, and I know he wouldn't. In the beginning of the break up, admittedly, I told him we could but I don't think he was really planning on ever seeing me again. It was a very bad decision, but right now we only talk every few days since our argument NYE and he will message me "hi how are you." right now I think I will ignore any contact, and eventually "fade out" and delete him off bbm, fb, twitter after I have ignored his messages for a bit.
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 I was like you too many times I held onto him because I thought it was never the end. But it's now really the end... you can't hold onto them forever when they constantly want out. Mine was stressed about school and I wanted to be the one that was there for him. And now I look back and he didnt want me there, he felt like I was adding more stress... He didnt want anyone o care. He just wanted to go out have fun and forget the problems he was having. His still immature so he hides from te problem instead of facing it. I hope you will realize that it's time to let go. The more u hold on the more u will hurt after. It will end like this again one day Lastly don't blame URSELF! I went through that because he made me feel terrible. Felt like it was all me doing bad things. But really it's their excuse out... They dot know how else to say it so they have to make themselves the victim I'm sorry you had to go through that! It really does suck He was the same way, always ignored problems or refused to deal with any negativity. He always wanted positive everything which is not possible in any intimate relationship, which he doesn't know about because he has only had three before me (in high school which he said she was a huge b*tch everyday) and two others who broke up with him after a month...so of course his idea of relationships are skewed. Yeah exactly, at first he didn't play the victim he told me it was his fault, he was stressed from everything and he was sorry. But as time went on I kept digging and was angry, so now the blame is ALL on me for causing his mental breakdown. Which deep down I know it isn't because I have had two very serious relationships before him, and we always communicated when there was conflict but this guy is just emotionally immature. I've never met anyone like him. He told me he's never had a real argument with anyone in his entire life. Somehow though, his cruel words have gotten into my head and now I feel embarrassed, guilty, my self-esteem is low, and I feel like I caused his stress and made his anxiety worse. I should have went NC from day 1. I still care what he thinks and I don't know why. I don't want to be the girl that ruined him and he will find another girl who's always positive and perfect for him. sorry...I kind of ranted. Thank you so much for your response, I'm glad I am not going through this alone.
flitzanu Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 True. I feel so weak right now it's unbelievable. I've been following him around like a lost puppy basically and he is turning things around on me. The thing is, he doesn't even want sex from me. When I asked if he ever wanted to see me in person again he responded "I have no idea" lol. yet he wants to see how I'm doing every few days. No. That's not right. I'm being manipulated into thinking I'm the bad guy if I stop contact. feeling weak is normal. you just need to realize you have control of YOUR emotions and YOUR actions, and no one else's. stop letting him manipulate you.
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 feeling weak is normal. you just need to realize you have control of YOUR emotions and YOUR actions, and no one else's. stop letting him manipulate you. I know, I need to realize that. He messaged me yesterday "Hi how are things!" and I didn't respond. Still haven't, and I don't plan on breaking NC anytime soon. Currently day 3. I am starting to feel like I am the only single one out of everyone I am friends with, which makes this entire process much harder even though it shouldn't bother me. I am trying to take my mind off of everything , I've started yoga classes, work a ton, talk to my friends on the phone (long distance). Today I feel pretty miserable, though. I've also looked into counseling and am setting up an appointment for next week as I feel pretty depressed lately.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 Aww I hope your doing well. I didn't realize going back and forth was normal till other people posted it here. It really helps to understand what your going through. The hardest thing is to let go. And I don't even know if I have yet. All I know is the bad memories seem to fade faster and im left with good memories. Frustrating. Cause that's what makes it so painful! but relationships can't be one sided. If the others immature and not willinging to work things out no matter how hard you try it won't work. I think that one point. I pretty much had to manipulate him. When I shouldn't have to at all. I'm not his mum to tell him what he should or shouldn't do. My friends are the same. Some married now and most have partners. It's so hard to see them together and happy. When we always went together as couples and now I have to be alone. I have been avoiding that haha coward of me! Find those single friends that can show u how great life is single. One of my friends talks about how he just wants to trAvel freely. And it's very inspiring
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Aww I hope your doing well. I didn't realize going back and forth was normal till other people posted it here. It really helps to understand what your going through. The hardest thing is to let go. And I don't even know if I have yet. All I know is the bad memories seem to fade faster and im left with good memories. Frustrating. Cause that's what makes it so painful! but relationships can't be one sided. If the others immature and not willinging to work things out no matter how hard you try it won't work. I think that one point. I pretty much had to manipulate him. When I shouldn't have to at all. I'm not his mum to tell him what he should or shouldn't do. My friends are the same. Some married now and most have partners. It's so hard to see them together and happy. When we always went together as couples and now I have to be alone. I have been avoiding that haha coward of me! Find those single friends that can show u how great life is single. One of my friends talks about how he just wants to trAvel freely. And it's very inspiring Thank you . Tonight I feel really lonely, it's Friday night and I am sitting at home alone. All I really do is work, go to yoga or the gym and come home. I know he is probably out at his university tonight partying and having all the fun in the world with his friends. It's so not fair. It's not fair that he is happy and I am left miserable despite me trying and trying and trying. It hurts so bad. Letting go is definitely the hardest part, and we both need to...it really sucks. Unfortunately I don't have any single friends at the moment lol..so I'd have to make some. Travelling is a great idea. One of my guy friends wants me to fly to see him, he lives in a big city. I might take up his offer.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Oh tell me about it I was lying in my bed crying for weeks while his fb went crazy with party photos and him smiling. That was the worst feeling ever. I blocked him now an dont go on fb Incase I'm tempted to check his friends pages. It's unfair their happy on top of our pain and misery. And people wud say u should do the same! But I know how u feel. Partying like he does isnt going to make u feel better. Maybe for some because it suppresses it. But I rather talk it out and then when I feel better do something I like. DEFINETLY take up the offer! Go somewhere new it will help since been stuck in te same place only keeps reminding you of the same memories. The other day I went for a short hike and it was an experience! Haha letting go of the frustration trough that physical activity I've never really done before. For a second I forgot about him. 1 second is an improvement
FailedFirstLove Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Awww man thinking about what his doing depressed me and makes me panic. Sighh I tell myself I don't need to know! sounds bad but I want him to suffer! I wonder sometimes if his feeling the pain. And feels good wen people say yes he is but hiding it. When they tell me his not it just makes me feel like crap. 4 years together and I meant nothing to him. I want this pain to go away! I want to move on. Sooo sorry haha just had my rant on top of urs
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Oh tell me about it I was lying in my bed crying for weeks while his fb went crazy with party photos and him smiling. That was the worst feeling ever. I blocked him now an dont go on fb Incase I'm tempted to check his friends pages. It's unfair their happy on top of our pain and misery. And people wud say u should do the same! But I know how u feel. Partying like he does isnt going to make u feel better. Maybe for some because it suppresses it. But I rather talk it out and then when I feel better do something I like. DEFINETLY take up the offer! Go somewhere new it will help since been stuck in te same place only keeps reminding you of the same memories. The other day I went for a short hike and it was an experience! Haha letting go of the frustration trough that physical activity I've never really done before. For a second I forgot about him. 1 second is an improvement Yeah that is the worst. The weekend after we broke up there were party pictures of him already, funny because when we were together he had no interest in going to parties or the bar even though I encouraged him *rolls eyes* I guess that is how he deals with things. Doesn't seem like he was as sad as he suggested, though! Ha That is a good step that you blocked him. Unfortunately for me, I would be the "bad guy" if I suddenly blocked him on social networking since he insists he is being so kind being my friend. However, I plan to just fade out. This is day 4 of NC and I ignored his message of "Hi how are things!" which I am proud of myself for. That is definitely an improvement good job! Keep doing things that will keep you busy. I went to hot yoga the other day and I didn't even think of him the entire 1 hour session. I plan on sticking to it!
Author acapelo_dp Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 Awww man thinking about what his doing depressed me and makes me panic. Sighh I tell myself I don't need to know! sounds bad but I want him to suffer! I wonder sometimes if his feeling the pain. And feels good wen people say yes he is but hiding it. When they tell me his not it just makes me feel like crap. 4 years together and I meant nothing to him. I want this pain to go away! I want to move on. Sooo sorry haha just had my rant on top of urs Don't be sorry! Us both ranting about it is a good source of release haha. I know exactly how you feel. I wonder too if my ex feels sad or ever thinks of me, or misses me. It's hell to think about. One week he loved me and I was world and the next I'm thrown out like yesterday's trash.. I just hope one day our exes will regret throwing us amazing women away! And by then it will be too late, and hopefully we will have moved on!
FailedFirstLove Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 (edited) Don't be sorry! Us both ranting about it is a good source of release haha. I know exactly how you feel. I wonder too if my ex feels sad or ever thinks of me, or misses me. It's hell to think about. One week he loved me and I was world and the next I'm thrown out like yesterday's trash.. I just hope one day our exes will regret throwing us amazing women away! And by then it will be too late, and hopefully we will have moved on! My ex asked me to be friends too! Well that was a few weeks ago. I don't get it... If they can befriends does that mean they are completely over us. I could never be friends. Not yet anyways!! until I reach indifference. could you really be friends? It hurts too much and ill never forget what we had if that was the case. It's so unbelievable from oh your my love. To let's be friends. Wth. I made so many mistakes before this no contact. Tried begging and pleading and spammin him with texts. So stupid of me. I asked him to send my stuff back. And ill send his. And he told me his cherishing the memries not wasting them.... sound familiar to urs at all?? i dont understand. Most likely breadcrumbs. .And then two nights ago his friend calls me up at midnight, just to ask for his money.. I guess it really means the ex doesn't gve a **** anymore Edited January 12, 2013 by FailedFirstLove
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