Doitright Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 :(I have a situation. My boyfriend has several female friends. Most of them he rarely sees, just Facebook pals mostly. But, one in peticular we fight about frequently. He only met her a couple of months before he met me (not a long time friendship). She was a client of his when he was a Personal Trainer, but they became friends outside of that. When we first started dating, before it got serious, I found out through his Facebook that she called me names. I was referred to as "WT" (white trash), a "filler" (until he got something real), a liar and a joke. This was about 1 year ago. He remained friends with her, but told her she could no longer talk about me like that. He was been living with me for about 7 mos and just got engaged. They continue to talk. It bothers me because they talk about sex and very personal things. We continue to fight over her after the engagement. He always defends her against me and acts as if I can't accept her, the relationship won't work. He is a very private person and he doesn't always share his feeling with me. But, he is always willing to share his feelings with her. I have been researching this and according to many, men and women can't be "just friends", but then you should not try to control who your significant other's friends are. How should I handle this? I don't want to ruin my relationship.:(:(
rocketman122 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 :(I have a situation. My boyfriend has several female friends. Most of them he rarely sees, just Facebook pals mostly. But, one in peticular we fight about frequently. He only met her a couple of months before he met me (not a long time friendship). She was a client of his when he was a Personal Trainer, but they became friends outside of that. When we first started dating, before it got serious, I found out through his Facebook that she called me names. I was referred to as "WT" (white trash), a "filler" (until he got something real), a liar and a joke. This was about 1 year ago. He remained friends with her, but told her she could no longer talk about me like that. He was been living with me for about 7 mos and just got engaged. They continue to talk. It bothers me because they talk about sex and very personal things. We continue to fight over her after the engagement. He always defends her against me and acts as if I can't accept her, the relationship won't work. He is a very private person and he doesn't always share his feeling with me. But, he is always willing to share his feelings with her. I have been researching this and according to many, men and women can't be "just friends", but then you should not try to control who your significant other's friends are. How should I handle this? I don't want to ruin my relationship.:(:( I see trouble ahead for you. I personally dont believe in having female friends. she's disrespectful. from what it seems, he seems to be sticking up for u but it seems only partly. im sorry youre in this situation. is there some jealousy of her? is she attractive/nice body?
darkmoon Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 do not argue - ppl drop ppl who raise thier voices so, any emoting can easily look (or is?) like a hissy fit, ditto choosing his friends for him, too bossy, even signalling a red flag to him talking about sex to friends is open-minded modernist behaviour (been there in a platonic situation) not nice from your POV, ok, but a way of validating/proving you have a mojo - so if it's such talk as this, just to be socially current, more or less maybe it's just that, but if she's crying on the day you wed, only then will you know that she knows her game is up he doesn't fancy her, but she has to figure that out for herself
clia Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I have been researching this and according to many, men and women can't be "just friends", but then you should not try to control who your significant other's friends are. How should I handle this? I don't want to ruin my relationship.:(:( It is complete and utter nonsense that men and women can't be friends. Have you asked him why he is comfortable sharing his feelings with her and not with you? He's obviously not going to drop her as a friend, so you need to decide whether or not you can accept his friendship with her. If you can't, then just end things with him and find a man who doesn't believe in having female friends, like the poster above. There are plenty of fish in the sea. 3
piggyoink Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 It is complete and utter nonsense that men and women can't be friends. I hereby and solemnly declare, with a touch of formality, +1
veggirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 His relationship with her is very inappropriate. Talking about sex with her is way crossing the line and VERY disrespectful to you. Talking to her after she has called you names is disrespectful. Unfortunately, you have basically let this go on for so long w/o putting your foot down that its now moot to even bring it up. You should have told him early on that if he was in contact with someone like that he was not going to have you. Why would you move in with and get engaged to someone who you honestly cant even trust? If he hasn't cheated on you, he probably will. So basically now you have 2 choices. Your bf obviously doesn't care enough about you to let this "friend" go, so you can: 1. leave 2. deal with it In the future, if you don't marry this guy, don't date men who wanna be BFF with women. I don't. Has worked out great for me so far A man confiding in a woman who is not his SO about his feelings and whatnot is what leads to affairs / cheating. Most cheating doesn't happen in ONS and the like...it happens between FRIENDS. People who put their focus on a friendship rather than their SO!! Think about it. All his interactions with this woman are positive, happy, fun! He can talk about his feelings and he has fun. Some of his interactions w/ you are bound to be negative since you are his SO and see him in a way his friend doesn't. So what happens? he goes and talks to his bestie gal pal about his feelings and thinks wow...this girl is so fun and I can talk to her about anything and there is never any of the fights and stuff that come with a relationship, she is sooo great!! Bad situation here, just asking for trouble...its a slippery slope honey and you shoulda nipped this s.hit in the bud. if your bf was interested in PROTECTING his relationship with you, he wouldn't have this type of relationship with another woman. 1
piggyoink Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 +2... Not heard so much rubbish in my life... in fact I've just repeated that to a very close female friend and she burst out laughing... +3 Furthermore most inappropriate things happen during short things, sometimes known as a fling or a one night stand. This is not the same situation.
veggirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 +3 Furthermore most inappropriate things happen during short things, sometimes known as a fling or a one night stand. This is not the same situation. That's not true at all. Most cheating happens with people that your SO either work with or are friends with.
april38 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Hi there, my problem with your situation is that he is sharing more with her than he is sharing with you. IMO, it's not up to you to put your foot down, it's not your place to tell him who to be friends with. However it is your responsibility to express your feelings, and sit back and observe to see if he's really the right match for you. Personally, I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who trusts in another woman more than me. Marriage is sooooo much more than the wedding, you're talking about the rest of your life, and if you're not his best friend now, you wont be after the wedding and in your marriage. Usually things only get worse after marriage. I had to learn that the hard way (the way I learn everything)... All I can say with absolute certainty - trust your gut!! Listen to your instincts, if you are repressing the instinct that this marriage might not work because of your fiances relationship with this other woman, then listen to it. If you think that you're over reacting, then check yourself. But know this - your gut knows the truth, and if you ignore it, it will only scream louder until you can't ignore it, so listen to it.... (I hope I'm making sense, I'm sorry if I'm not)
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