Ready for Complete NC. I'm scared.

[kristi628]

Hi everyone. I'm sure most of you know my story but here's a quick recap. I was with my ex bf for 2 years. We broke up in October and two weeks later tried to work things out. He cheated and we ended things for good right after Thanksgiving. A week later he made it official with the girl he cheated on me with and they've been together ever since.

 

This has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through. This person put me through so much with emailing inappropriate things to his ex and texting different girls while we were together. He made me the most insecure person bc I was worried that he was cheating the whole time but never got concrete evidence. He is the most selfish person on the planet. Couldnt even go to the grocery store if i had asked him to.

 

He is now acting like the perfect bf for his new girlfriend who is 6 years younger than us. Still i college and is so convinced she found her soulmate. They spend every day together since he works from home and she only works three days a week. They have even said i love you after only a month together.

 

I will admit. I have been watching their twitter accounts. I do not call, text or email but I have been addicted to twitter. First few weeks broke my heart. He was writing such sweet things about her. That has finally stopped although she's mentioned.

 

Point is, I'm ready to stop. I had a very bad night and realized that i was done hurting so bad. I deleted all social media apps from my phone. Do not have internet in the house on my desktop. I have been afraid that this new relationship is going to go the distance and he's somehow a changed man. All I wanted was to have some kind of proof that it wasnt me, it was him. That he's the one with problems. But I'm not going to get that. This relationship will fail or flourish whether I watch their accounts or not. And i need to let go.

 

I cried all night and this morning. I wasnt ready to let go. But the fact is, he thought he could do better without me and with her. And i need to just accept that and learn to live with it. I hope one day he realizes the damage he has done to me and others before me. But I won't know that either.

 

In the mean time I'll learn to live with this huge hole in my heart.

[TaraMaiden]

I swear as I live and breathe, sever all and any possible way of connecting with him/them, and the hole will heal more quickly.

 

(((Hugs))), Honey.

[kristi628]

Thank you TaraMaiden. I know I should've done this a long time ago. I'm trusting in everyone here as well as my friends and family that severing all ties is the best thing for me.

 

I just don't know how to deal with all these thoughts. What is he doing, is he happy, does he really love her, will this last?

 

I know he's toxic. And I know the best predictor of future behavior is their past behavior. And he has a long trail of tears. I'm just flooded with all these questions and it's over whelming.

 

I don't get how people like this can go from loving someone one moment and talking about marriage, to another in less than a few days and express the same feelings. Is what they have even real?

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you TaraMaiden. I know I should've done this a long time ago. I'm trusting in everyone here as well as my friends and family that severing all ties is the best thing for me.

Unfortunately, right now, that's your best choice.

it's not the ONLY choice - you could keep checking, and maybe go further at one point and start engaging with him on twitter - but that way 'lies perdition'... so while it's not an entirely comfortable choice, it really is the best one - in the long run....

 

I just don't know how to deal with all these thoughts.

 

Ok, let's see if we can help...

 

What is he doing,

Who knows?

It really doesn't matter - what obviously jars, is that whatever he's doing - he's not doing it with you.

 

But look on the bright side.

 

This Liberates you to really be completely selfish, and do whatever YOU want to do, without having to consider an outside agenda. So whether it's take a Holiday abroad, on a nice sunny resort, go abseiling, or simply sit on your couch eating celery and peanut butter, with a vanilla~caramel milkshake chaser, watching "Real Housewives of Orange County" - that's precisely what you can do!

 

is he happy

,

Happiness is a transitory state. he may be happy for a while. He will also be bored for a while, pi$$ed off for a while and hungry for a while.

The trick is tnot to gain happiness. The trick is to achieve serenity.

And serenity comes form within.

That's what you have to strive for.

While he seeks outside thriolls, you need to look inwardly for peace of mind....

 

does he really love her,

Unconditionally? Without an agenda?

I very much doubt it.

But that's his sour grapes to find out...

 

will this last?

Everything - but absolutely everything - has a beginning, a middle and an end.

This too - will end.

I cannot unfortunately predict when that will be, but believe me - disprove it if you can - it WILL end.

 

 

I know he's toxic. And I know the best predictor of future behavior is their past behavior. And he has a long trail of tears. I'm just flooded with all these questions and it's over whelming.

 

I don't get how people like this can go from loving someone one moment and talking about marriage, to another in less than a few days and express the same feelings. Is what they have even real?

Is what they seek, real?

No.

What people seek when they fall in love, is someone to put them on a pedestal. It's an equal desire.

One - or other - of them, will end up marginally less satisfied than the other. The disappointment always comes, at some point.

 

You however, should never be disappointed with yourself....

 

If you find you are - remedy it.

[TaraMaiden]

("Thriolls"....? Damn, never spell-checked!! )

[Toddbt12y1]

I am glad you finally realized that you no longer want to feel this pain, and have decided to remove one source of it. Of course they will be all lovely, when it's the start of their relationship. Wait till the honeymoon phase ends.

 

Love you?

 

Think about that for a moment? Every person, from 12+ that gets themselves in a relationship says they "love" their partner, in less then three days.

Love is not born out of deceit. It is like getting white out of a piece of coal.

 

What is love?

 

Love is a foundation which is built upon time. As time passes, you know more about that person; you find you like them more and more; this develops love. Love can be all these: Endurance, loyalty, hope, selflessness, commitment, communication(on a level between the +&+).

 

Let's look at your scumbag ex:

 

Messed around with a girl, behind your back(not loyalty...or many others.) Dashed your hopes away. Selfish. He cheated. He lied. Man, so many negatives. That does not sound like a person who is mature enough to know what love is, let alone have it with anyone else.

 

Did he change for her/himself?

 

No. Think of it as an actor playing a role. His role is that of charming good-guy. His script tells him to play nice, say the "I love yous." To bring the flowers and all that goodguy stuff. What you and she do not yet see...is the ending. That ending is the same story he favors...and has done to you.

 

So, I have something pitiful to say to any of his new loves; Beware the one bearing roses, who seeks the thrill of the moment; for you'll be another notch in his Romeo belt.

 

So...Forget this loser.

 

Ask yourself, What does Kristi have?

 

Selflessness, respect. Honor, friendship. Loyalty, love. Endurance to survive clowns like this Guy. What you have is real. Everything he is and has is built on a lie. It is what liars do. They keep building their world with lies; one day they run out or get caught. Their world becomes burnt to a crisp. Yours hasn't.

 

You withstood the devil, and are still here: alive and ready to love. So laugh in his sorry face!

[kristi628]

It is all so very true. Even watching them for the past few weeks I have spotted so many lies. Some major, some not. And perhaps she doesn't know they are lies bc she doesnt much about him. But you can still see him contradicting himself. Maybe i just got really good at catching him in lies bc i was always looking out for them..

 

Point is, how do you establish a solid relationship built on lies? I figured there should be a natural progression with a new person. Not jump right in. I expect is from her being only 21. But not someone our age. Especially coming from someone who claims he is depressed, doesnt feel love like normal people and has no true emotions. he's just constantly living the low life until something randomly good happens. Then he's back to his empty, numb feeling.

 

This is why I had such a hard time believing that what he has now is "real." You can't possibly know someone that well to love them in such a short amount of time. Granted they spend an enormous amount of time together. Which I find odd since one of the reasons he left was bc he wasnt ready to devote all of his time to one person.

[na49]

What does the word "love" really even mean nowadays? I love pizza. Do I love pizza like I love my family? I love my cat. Do I love my cat the same way I love to watch sports?

 

I'm not sure if that was good example or not lol. But the point is, even if he says he "loves" her. Does he really mean it? You can say you love someone all you want. Reading stories of people on here, their exes still tell them that they "love" them. Timeout! You love them, but not enough to be with them? Okay... You love them enough to cut them out of your life completely and be okay with it? Do you REALLY still love them? I call BS on that.

 

I wouldn't be THAT hung up over what he's saying, or what he's doing. It's hard. Trust me. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it is truly over between me and my ex. I thought we were great for each other. Although I had a lot to learn, I was willing to learn with her. Now I'm alone. Figuring things out for myself, and trying to be better for my next relationship whenever it is. To think that she can go "love" someone else just like that. Hurts me and will won't stop hurting me for a while. There's nothing we can do to bring them back. Not one thing we can do can make them change their mind. They have free will, they don't owe us anything. We don't owe them anything. So go NC and don't look back. It's all about you, and what you're doing. Not about him and what he's doing.

[Toddbt12y1]

I'd like to respond to that in full but work won't allow ATM. I will later respond to this. I enjoy helping you Kristi. I will respond in full later on...3:30ish. But it's all born in lies...will end in lies.

[Chi townD]

GIRL!!!! Congrats on your conviction to move on!!! YAY!!!! Even though it may seem scary and you took a blow to your self esteem, you're taking the first step into a new life.

 

You need to get your revenge. And the best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN GOOD LIFE! You need to reach down deep and find that strong and independant woman that does NOT deserve to be treated like you have. That doesn't deserve to be cheated on when YOU have proven that you can dedicate yourself to one person and your douche rocket of an Ex has proven that he is a walking bag of STD's (OPPS!....did I write that?)

 

You need to go get a new hairstyle, something completely different and one that people will notice and like! You need to buy a completely new wardrobe. Again, something that people will notice and say, "WOW! GIRL!!! You look good! WORK IT! GIRL! WORK IT!" This will help with your damaged ego and your self esteem.

 

You need to get a gym membership and go! Run your little ass off on the treadmill, push some weight. Take yoga, zumba and spin classes. This will help work off all that stress and frustration that you're having. AND it will help you get that rock hard sexy bod!!!

 

Then, go back to school. If you don't have a degree; then, get one. If you have your degree, then start grad school. A good solid education is going to open up a lot of higher paying job opportunities. So, you can afford that cute little red convertible and that nice townehouse in a quant little neighborhood. Plus, it will help you keep your mind on your school work and not sitting around wondering what he's doing.

 

Then, find new hobbies.Join a running club, or a cycling club, diving club, community theater... get out in the community and start meeting new people.

 

Finally, TRAVEL!!! There's a big world outside your door and adventures to be had. People to meet. Go see the world. Pick a place that you've always wanted to go. Grab a girlfriend to go with you. Save and make a plan...and then GO!!!! Have an adventure!!!

 

This is how you get your revenge! NC is an opportunity to move on to something that is going to be sooo much better for you. And do you know what? Maybe, one day, your Ex is gonna get curious and wonder what happened to Kristi. HE may snoop on you and find a facebook pic of you and a girlfriend standing in the shoreline of the white sandy beaches of St. Thomas in the Caribean Sea. He'll see your rock hard sexy bod! He'll see the sexy blue bikini your wearing. He'll see the smile on your face and the margarita in your hand.

 

And he'll say to himself, "Damn, she looks sexy as hell. She definately has moved on. She's definately going places and I'm stuck her with a little girl that thinks her Hello Kitty PJ's are the coolest thing in the world. I messed up, big time!"

[Missing Him]

You can do it! Once you're strong enough to realize that it's what you need to do, you're strong enough to do it. Going complete NC is scary. It brings a huge mix of emotions, but you're right where you need to be and every one of us who has gone through it can make the promise that it does get better, it does get easier, and before you realize it, you'll be happier than you were when you first met him.

[kristi628]

Oh my gosh Chi TownD! This made me spit out my soda! LOL

 

THank you so much for such an encouraging post. It definitely put a smile on my face. I know my situation is not unique and everyone here has gone through such intense heartbreak and I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. It really does help.

 

I spent so long taking care of him that I forgot to take care of myself. No one was taking care of me. And it's time to do that.

 

I'm scared because I dont know if I will ever see or hear from him again. It's stupid to have such intense feelings for someone who treated you so poorly. I'm sure than will stop with time.

 

I havent checked twitter at all today. And to be honest it's funny how much free time I have lol It's not a good day, but since I havent checked it it hasnt been a bad day either.

[Chi townD]

I spent so long taking care of him that I forgot to take care of myself. No one was taking care of me. And it's time to do that.

 

 

EXACTLY!!!! Look, you stated that you had intense feelings for him. And, believe it or not, that's good! Proves that your human and you have a good heart. That youu loved someone that would treat you so badly. Now that your free, your free to find someone to love that is going to love you just as much. The way that you SHOULD have been loved to being with. And when that happens, you're gonna look back at this and say to yourself, "what the hell was I thinking?!?!"

 

You stated that you found you have a lot of free time now. You should have made that appointment to get your hair done. That would have been number one off the checklist.

 

Make those positive changes in your life. Trust me! It works!

[LostOne1]

Oh my gosh Chi TownD! This made me spit out my soda! LOL

 

THank you so much for such an encouraging post. It definitely put a smile on my face. I know my situation is not unique and everyone here has gone through such intense heartbreak and I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. It really does help.

 

I spent so long taking care of him that I forgot to take care of myself. No one was taking care of me. And it's time to do that.

 

I'm scared because I dont know if I will ever see or hear from him again. It's stupid to have such intense feelings for someone who treated you so poorly. I'm sure than will stop with time.

 

I havent checked twitter at all today. And to be honest it's funny how much free time I have lol It's not a good day, but since I havent checked it it hasnt been a bad day either.

That's part of it.. I was scared too and especially going NC because I knew it meant it was over. If I'm not talking to that person it's really over. That's why it was so scary and knowing I wouldn't hear from her either.

 

But after going NC for about 2 months or so.. you get used to it. Yeah it hurts somedays, but you slowly realize this is how life is now and you for the most part accept it too.

[Toddbt12y1]

See Kristi, we all got your back. We are all so very proud and happy to see you progressing in such a right manner. I am truly happy with all this. You rock, Kristi!

 

All those who survive thus dance with the devil of breakups and cheating, I am proud of you!!

[kristi628]

Thank you so much! I'm actually upset I didnt do this sooner. I will admit I have a problem. I like to analyze and over analyze things. So letting go of this is definitely something new. It's liberating but very scary.

 

I keep picking up my phone only to see that all my apps have been deleted. It's a weird feeling. He still occupies most of my thoughts, naturally. And there's tons of questions going through my mind at any given moment. I'm hoping those become less and less over time.

 

I feel a little petty and immature. All I want to do is see his relationship fail. I know that's wrong and it's coming from a hurtful place. If it does it will be on him and not me. I have no control over what they do and can only focus on what I'm doing.

 

But this is hell. I'm not going to lie. This doesnt erase the hurt and doesnt make me feel any more confident or anything. It's a little bit worse in fact. Bc i'm having to admit to myself that it's really over and I lost someone.

[LostOne1]

Thank you so much! I'm actually upset I didnt do this sooner. I will admit I have a problem. I like to analyze and over analyze things. So letting go of this is definitely something new. It's liberating but very scary.

 

I keep picking up my phone only to see that all my apps have been deleted. It's a weird feeling. He still occupies most of my thoughts, naturally. And there's tons of questions going through my mind at any given moment. I'm hoping those become less and less over time.

 

I feel a little petty and immature. All I want to do is see his relationship fail. I know that's wrong and it's coming from a hurtful place. If it does it will be on him and not me. I have no control over what they do and can only focus on what I'm doing.

 

But this is hell. I'm not going to lie. This doesnt erase the hurt and doesnt make me feel any more confident or anything. It's a little bit worse in fact. Bc i'm having to admit to myself that it's really over and I lost someone.

Yeah we all been there at one time. It was tough for me.. I wanted to beat the **** outta the guy she cheated with me on. Because I think morally the guy was an assole. He knew she was going out with me and when he saw she was vulnerable and upset with me. He made his move and told her he liked her.

 

As a guy I respect other people's relationship and I'd never break anyone up and specially if I know they have been going out for 3 years. But I guess some guys are desperate for any girl and they will do anything.

 

Kristi it will hurt a lot and be tough I won't lie. In fact what was tough for me was I crashed into my ex in person yday after 6 months of not seeing her. I didn't feel much at that time when I saw her. But today it hurts just a little, because it sucks to know we are strangers now. We can make eye contact, but we can't talk and all or at least I know she won't talk to me.

 

But for me now that is a turning point. It SHOWS me that it really is over... I mean if we have to walk by each other and act like we don't know each other... it really makes you feel like it's over.

 

But hang in there.. this will make you stronger as time goes on.