NiceGuyDTW Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 So many times on this forum one of the advice given to people early on in dating is to keep up a guard or wall so that if things don't go well, you are not hurt emotionally. I believe the premise is to not get too emotionally attached to someone early on in a relationship. My question is then when to let that wall or guard down. With the last woman I dated I didn't have my guard up at all, and when things went downhill...I got hurt a lot. On top of it, I was married for 9 yrs, and my ex lied to me a lot. So now I'm starting to see someone new, but I feel as tough I can never let my guard down. I'm am very afraid of things going downhill, and getting hurt again. At the same time, if I don't let my guard down at some point then I feel that I will never be able to let the relationship grow. So what is everyone's experience? I'm sure it varies from one person to another, and perhaps it's just a personal gut feeling? But I'm trying to get a sense of when I should be letting my guard down.
Treasa Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I don't have a "wall" anymore. I treat people according to their actions. If they're pleasant, awesome, I'm also pleasant (and by default I'm pleasant). If they start acting like a dick, and there's not an amazing reason for it, I'm out of there. No one can hurt me so bad that I can't recover. I've learned that. I can get over any guy. I'm really happy with my life, so if it doesn't work out, it may really suck for a while, but I'll be ok. I also don't fall hard and fast for people the way I used to. I get to know them and get to see what kind of a person they are first. 1
edgygirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 This is a topic I'm really interests in, but in my case apparently I have to learn to put my guard up. I am always too open as I always believed I can't fall for someone or they fall for me if I don't know their inner deep feelings. Maybe it's just because I'm not American, this guard up thing doesn't exist in my country, I wonder if it is a waspy thing. I'm learning the hard way through bad endings that it may be worth to have walls.
Author NiceGuyDTW Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 This is a topic I'm really interests in, but in my case apparently I have to learn to put my guard up. I am always too open as I always believed I can't fall for someone or they fall for me if I don't know their inner deep feelings. Maybe it's just because I'm not American, this guard up thing doesn't exist in my country, I wonder if it is a waspy thing. I'm learning the hard way through bad endings that it may be worth to have walls. Thinking about it some more...A lot of it boils down to trust. I think until some sort of trust is estabilished you need to maintain that guard. My problem is how to determine when you can really trust someone. I've been burned one too many times.
Pyro Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 So many times on this forum one of the advice given to people early on in dating is to keep up a guard or wall so that if things don't go well, you are not hurt emotionally. I believe the premise is to not get too emotionally attached to someone early on in a relationship. My question is then when to let that wall or guard down. With the last woman I dated I didn't have my guard up at all, and when things went downhill...I got hurt a lot. On top of it, I was married for 9 yrs, and my ex lied to me a lot. So now I'm starting to see someone new, but I feel as tough I can never let my guard down. I'm am very afraid of things going downhill, and getting hurt again. At the same time, if I don't let my guard down at some point then I feel that I will never be able to let the relationship grow. So what is everyone's experience? I'm sure it varies from one person to another, and perhaps it's just a personal gut feeling? But I'm trying to get a sense of when I should be letting my guard down. You let your guard down slowly as you become more comfortable with the person. The good part about your past experience is that you learned from it so now you can work on letting your guard down, while at the same time being aware of any possible red flags with the person whom you are seeing now. Its good to be aware and careful but being too careful may push the person away.
carhill Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 So what is everyone's experience? I'm sure it varies from one person to another, and perhaps it's just a personal gut feeling? But I'm trying to get a sense of when I should be letting my guard down. I go with the relationship style which has held me in good stead over the 53 on this rock with those whom I value in life and who value me. If it doesn't work with a particular person, that's the result. Love and openness are or can be renewable resources. A person makes those choices relevant to each circumstance they encounter. My style is proactive, generally being the first to express interest, if felt, first to express love, if felt, etc, etc. My style is one of transparency. Does it result in hurt? Sure. Pain and death are as much a part of living as happiness and life. Each person's style is different. If they don't match up, they don't.
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