Desperate to move on, but can't.

[crashvector]

Most of you here know my story many times over, and I appreciate everyone listening to me during some of the darkest times in my life.

 

I WANT to move on, but I don't know HOW.

 

This woman meant more to me than anyone I have ever met. You all know about how I took care of her during her cancer diagnosis and treatment....and how she took care of ME when i was paralyzed for 3 months...holding my hand the whole way while I endured one surgery after another, rehab, excruciating pain, etc.

 

I felt a bond with this woman like I did not even know was possible to feel. She and I had literally been through life and death together, and I thought for SURE we would have one of those "...and they lived happily ever after." fairytale endings.

 

But it was not to be I don't guess.

 

However, just because she's gone in person, does not change the fact that she WAS the love of my life.

 

I SWEAR to you guys...I used to go to bed EVERY night and thank God Almighty above for bringing this woman into my life. She came into my life during another dark period, and like an angel from above, she saved me, and I was eternally thankful for her.

 

Oddly enough, I am not some overly-religious person. I go to church every now and then (with HER). THAT is just how strongly I feel about her.

 

On the nights we slept together, I would wait for her to fall asleep, and I would lay there and just FEEL. It was like being INSIDE joy...having the love of my life next to me. She had such a profound effect on me.......just the way she SMELLS makes my heart flutter. I would listen to her breathing, and place my hand on her hip, I remember SO many nights I lay there thinking "I am the luckiest, and happiest man on this green earth. I HAVE to be."

 

I wish I could convey with words how it felt to be with her. I would I could express to just ONE other person how much my heart ACHES to hold her again...my baby..my sweetheart...my angel...my love.

 

I would give anything...ANYTHING to feel that again. I have NEVER been such at peace in my entire life. She was special.

 

And hugging her....when I hugged her...the entire world would seem to just fade away...and the only thing that existed was her warmth. Yes, it REALLY was like this for me. It REALLY was just like you hear about in the movies or read about in books. When i held her, it felt...beautiful.

 

I ask you all in desperation..how? How will I move on from someone that I loved THIS much? I want to...but NOT because its my choice...but because I HAVE to even though it is NOT what I want.

 

I am hurting SO much I can barely handle it even with the medications. I'm doing my best to hide it from people, but I can't hold in the pain.

 

It feels like the morning I went over to her house during her cancer treatment, and I thought she was dead. I REALLY thought she had died during the night. I couldnt find a pulse. I fell on my knees by her while she was in the bed and just...wept. I wept like I had never done before. I grabbed her hand and held it...it was cold....and I told her "I'm SO sorry baby...I'm SO sorry I wasn't here to hold your hand...forgive me if you are up there, and thank you for the love you gave me...I love you." as I cried.

 

I dream about her all the time. I walk into a room and I can actually SMELL her perfume...but its like a ghost...I turn to see her, and she's gone.

 

I wanted NOTHING more than to be her husband....and to be the best husband I could possibly be...because I LOVED her.

 

I already know how this will ultimately end. One day, I will be having a conversation with someone and they will say "Oh, you remember Sue right? Yeah, she passed away a while back." ....and I will NEVER be the same again.

 

How am I supposed to just...let go? I want to...but to be honest, the only reason I want to is because I HAVE to.

 

I just don't know how to do it when it hurts THIS much. It is pain unlike any pain I have ever felt. I can feel my soul withering and dying along with the love we once shared.

 

I will face a life without the woman I love...because I have no other choice.

 

I swear on my grandmother's grave....I would do ANYTHING to feel that way with her again.

 

My God...this hurts SO much! And i don't know what to do.

Edited January 9, 2013 by crashvector

[Sanctionne]

Your story is a beautiful one and I am deeply sorry that it had to come to end. It sounds like the two of you had what most of us could only dream of. That being said, if you are unable to move on for yourself then maybe you can do it for her. Just because you move on doesn't mean that you will forget about all of the good times you shared with one another. Those are your memories to keep forever. I would think that she would want for you to be happy and enjoy the remainder of your days here on earth happy. And when your time comes, the two of you can be together again.

[crashvector]

Your story is a beautiful one and I am deeply sorry that it had to come to end. It sounds like the two of you had what most of us could only dream of. That being said, if you are unable to move on for yourself then maybe you can do it for her. Just because you move on doesn't mean that you will forget about all of the good times you shared with one another. Those are your memories to keep forever. I would think that she would want for you to be happy and enjoy the remainder of your days here on earth happy. And when your time comes, the two of you can be together again.

 

One day at work, she came to meet me for lunch, and I had told some of my coworkers at the hospital.

 

we sat in her car to eat lunch and talk. Out of nowhere, FIVE of my coworkers came up to the car to her side. Two of them were actually crying. (No, I swear on my SON I'm not making this up). She rolled the window down, and one by one, each one of the ladies told her "I've NEVER seen a man love a woman as much as HE loves YOU." One of the women that was crying said "I don't mean to cry, but its SO beautiful that he loves you so much all of US can feel it, too...and I dont even KNOW you." The other said "Sorry..I cant talk....he loves you SO much. PLEASE hurry up and marry this man so that I can know for myself that there really IS a such thing as true love?"

 

I was so moved, even *I* started crying. Never in a MILLION years did I expect them to do that...but then again, my coworkers loved me, and they ALL knew how much I loved my fiance. One of the benefits of working with mostly women is that they "get it" when you tell them you love someone so much that every minute without them feels like a year.

 

THAT, my friend, is how much I love that woman. I loved her SO much that even my coworkers said they could feel it.

 

I know of no other way to describe it. She WAS my soulmate. I know lots of people dont believe in there being that ONE special person for you...but I disagree....because I know what it feels like...and I had it.

 

and..she's gone.

Edited January 9, 2013 by crashvector

[MyAngel]

Hugs to you crash. I can't offer much in the way of comfort I'm sorry, I don't think anything I could say would be a comfort to you when you're hurting this badly. From reading your other posts, there are brief moments where I can see you healing and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. This is another low moment full of the deepest loss but it will pass and you will ride the next moment upwards just a tiny bit.

 

You loved her SO much. Anyone can see tht. The love you had for her was story book worthy. But the crucial part of this story is that she doesn't feel the same. Maybe she did once, maybe she couldn't feel as much love as you could, whatever it was. She's gone. And unless you want to sit there loving someone one sided for the rest of your life, you need to move on. How? Here's that word you hate: time. It is a long road towards moving on but make a conscious effort to do so and you've taken the first step.

[Coping Vortex]

Most of you here know my story many times over, and I appreciate everyone listening to me during some of the darkest times in my life.

 

I WANT to move on, but I don't know HOW.

 

This woman meant more to me than anyone I have ever met. You all know about how I took care of her during her cancer diagnosis and treatment....and how she took care of ME when i was paralyzed for 3 months...holding my hand the whole way while I endured one surgery after another, rehab, excruciating pain, etc.

 

I felt a bond with this woman like I did not even know was possible to feel. She and I had literally been through life and death together, and I thought for SURE we would have one of those "...and they lived happily ever after." fairytale endings.

 

But it was not to be I don't guess.

 

However, just because she's gone in person, does not change the fact that she WAS the love of my life.

 

I SWEAR to you guys...I used to go to bed EVERY night and thank God Almighty above for bringing this woman into my life. She came into my life during another dark period, and like an angel from above, she saved me, and I was eternally thankful for her.

 

Oddly enough, I am not some overly-religious person. I go to church every now and then (with HER). THAT is just how strongly I feel about her.

 

On the nights we slept together, I would wait for her to fall asleep, and I would lay there and just FEEL. It was like being INSIDE joy...having the love of my life next to me. She had such a profound effect on me.......just the way she SMELLS makes my heart flutter. I would listen to her breathing, and place my hand on her hip, I remember SO many nights I lay there thinking "I am the luckiest, and happiest man on this green earth. I HAVE to be."

 

I wish I could convey with words how it felt to be with her. I would I could express to just ONE other person how much my heart ACHES to hold her again...my baby..my sweetheart...my angel...my love.

 

I would give anything...ANYTHING to feel that again. I have NEVER been such at peace in my entire life. She was special.

 

And hugging her....when I hugged her...the entire world would seem to just fade away...and the only thing that existed was her warmth. Yes, it REALLY was like this for me. It REALLY was just like you hear about in the movies or read about in books. When i held her, it felt...beautiful.

 

I ask you all in desperation..how? How will I move on from someone that I loved THIS much? I want to...but NOT because its my choice...but because I HAVE to even though it is NOT what I want.

 

I am hurting SO much I can barely handle it even with the medications. I'm doing my best to hide it from people, but I can't hold in the pain.

 

It feels like the morning I went over to her house during her cancer treatment, and I thought she was dead. I REALLY thought she had died during the night. I couldnt find a pulse. I fell on my knees by her while she was in the bed and just...wept. I wept like I had never done before. I grabbed her hand and held it...it was cold....and I told her "I'm SO sorry baby...I'm SO sorry I wasn't here to hold your hand...forgive me if you are up there, and thank you for the love you gave me...I love you." as I cried.

 

I dream about her all the time. I walk into a room and I can actually SMELL her perfume...but its like a ghost...I turn to see her, and she's gone.

 

I wanted NOTHING more than to be her husband....and to be the best husband I could possibly be...because I LOVED her.

 

I already know how this will ultimately end. One day, I will be having a conversation with someone and they will say "Oh, you remember Sue right? Yeah, she passed away a while back." ....and I will NEVER be the same again.

 

How am I supposed to just...let go? I want to...but to be honest, the only reason I want to is because I HAVE to.

 

I just don't know how to do it when it hurts THIS much. It is pain unlike any pain I have ever felt. I can feel my soul withering and dying along with the love we once shared.

 

I will face a life without the woman I love...because I have no other choice.

 

I swear on my grandmother's grave....I would do ANYTHING to feel that way with her again.

 

My God...this hurts SO much! And i don't know what to do.

 

I hear you crash. I'm not sure how she can leave you after what you went through. But like you I loved my GF like no other. I would give anything to hold her in my arms one more time. It's surreal isn't it.

 

Crash by the way you describe your obsession with your ex you might want to read the book "Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go" by Susan Forward.

[crashvector]

I wasnt obsessed with her.

 

On the weeks we had our kids, we kept in contact my phone calls, and i understood that we wouldn't be seeing much of each other when we had our kids until we were married. I was okay with this.

 

I didnt need to (or even WANT to) be with her 24/7. People need room to grow, like a plant. You gotta give them room to spread their branches.

 

I just LOVED her. A TREMENDOUS amount.

 

We went through TWO life or death situations...together. It created a bond that few people have (and trust me...things were pretty touch-and-go with her for a while during her treatment). she acted like my legs when I couldn't walk.

 

We would go to the mall, and my legs would just...stop working. she would pick me up look me in the eyes and tell me "I'm here. It's okay...don't be embarrassed, I'm here." and all the shame and indignity would just melt away.

[Sanctionne]

I am a hopeless romantic. I do believe that there is that one person out there that was created just for us and you should consider yourself very lucky to have found her. Unfortunately, life is not like a Disney movie where we all live ' Happily Ever After ' Life can be very cruel and unfair at times. And had she not been taken away from you I'm sure that she would've had your fairytale ending. But the choice was not hers, nor was it yours. So stop punishing yourself. Do it for your son, do it for her and move on with your life. She was taken away before her time and if she could speak to you right now I'm sure that's what she'd say. You're in the medical field per your profile info and am sure that you have met many people that have had their lives cut short and if they had a 2nd chance they would bask in all it's glory. I cannot fully understand what you may be going through and cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. But life is too short. You're here, you're alive. Enjoy it while it lasts. Because one day your time will come, it will come for all of us. And when you see her again she might just smack you upside the head for not living your life to the fullest. Surely she is watching over you right now. As you said, she was your Angel and she still is.

 

I hope that you have a wonderful day. My apologies if I made a bit of a joke at the end of my msg. I just hope that it puts a smile on your face

[crashvector]

The best thing I can come up with for the reason why it hurts SO much is that it very much feels like that morning I walked in and thought I had lost her...and this is reminding me of it.

 

All I could do was kneel down by the side of the bed, hold her little hand (She's a tiny thing of a woman at only 5'2" and 120lbs), and weep and pray that God would hold my angel in the palm of his hand until the day I could see her again.

 

I felt utterly hopeless and lost.

 

the BEST feeling in the world I ever had was when I looked up and saw her left eye crack open just a little bit. I ALSO cannot describe how THAT felt either.

[Allumere]

Crash, this is all still very new and for lack of a better way of putting it, you are still in shock. Keep up with meds, counseling,etc. as best you can. At this point you must view the relationship with her as dead even though she isnt. As the relationship is dead then anything having to do with her no longer exist (in the physical sense). You are mouring over a death and its hard (and more so you know the OP is still here and instinct is to run too them) .

[CarrieT]

You go on by living each day as the best person you can be. As others have said, you are still in shock mode.

 

Many say that the time to repair a broken heart can be half-as-long as you were with the person.

 

I was with my last Ex for 2 1/2 years when he utterly destroyed me and it took me a full two years to finally heal. The first six months alone were just spent on a couch, crying. No work, no social life, barely existing.... I didn't know if I would ever feel like life was worth living again.

 

So you have to take solace in the fact that you ARE young (I was in my mid-40s when it happened), and that love CAN happen again (five years after my devastation, I am now engaged).

 

Just get through each day and know in the deepest caverns of your soul, that you will survive.

[drpepper1886]

“Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gorged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see. As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

[Coping Vortex]

I wasnt obsessed with her.

 

.

 

If you read the book isn't primary about being obsessed in the stalker way its more about what we are both going through. trust me read it you'll see that we both fall into obsessive love. The stalking etc is just a whole different level.