waterwoman Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I guess this is just another of the twists and turns of the rollercoaster. I can't convince myself H is here because he wants to be. He says he is. He is doing the right things. He seems happier than before d-day. But not that much happier. He doesn't show his emotions much - which was OK when I had no reason to doubt him. I have read OW forum too much - all that doubt about whether a marriage can recover, whether an H can really love his wife while having an affair. I don't want to be the default choice. I couldn't bear to think he is still missing her and wishing he was with her. He says that isn't the case. How do I know? I don't know what to do. I don't know what he can do. Help! It's these sort of feelings that are going to scupper the reconciliation if anything does.
Spark1111 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 he's back at work? She is also there, yes? memorize his schedule. Pack up a nice lunch and surprise him at work. tell him YOU need reassurance and needed to see him.
Author waterwoman Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Yes, and yes she is. Actually I have thought of visiting at lunch time. He doesn't get much time as he has to supervise lunch too. But he gets 10 mins. Thanks. It isn't as if I beleive they are still in an affair. But that he might wish they were.
buckeyeblue Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Waterwoman - I can completely relate to your feelings. I decided not to reconcile for some of the exact reasons you are stating. My H's OW stalked me and my children. The thought that he might miss someone who could do that to his family is not something that I can live with, or even want to wonder about. He said that he does not miss her or think about her, but he's a proven liar so I take his denials for what they are worth. Every situation is different. Some marriages can be saved and should be saved. Sometimes the hurt and damage is just too deep. Stay out of the OW forum. It is just too toxic if you are trying to reconcile.
Spark1111 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 WW, it is completely normal to be angry when your BS is around you. They are the biggest trigger to the affair. It is also completely normal to be anxious when they leave you. This pull close, push away goes on for a long time. You cannot control a person's thoughts, but I understand the plaguing insecurity that can follow. Focus on you! What does WW want to do? Start doing it. be the best person you can be for yourself. be the catch, the prize for you! get yourself to the point where you know in your heart that he would be a fool to not be thinking of you because you are one amazing woman. Whether you stay or go, make sure you will be that amazing woman! 3
Summer Breeze Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I am so sorry to hear this WW. I love you, your posts, your spirit. I hope that this is one of the 'off' days and that most don't find you feeling unsure. I agree with Spark though. No matter what happens you carry on being fantastic. If he's stupid enough to not make everything right with you then off he goes and you get be fantastic with whatever comes next. Be strong WW. Keep the power that's kept you going through all of this. I'm going to put on the kettle and have a cuppa now. I'll pretend we're having a natter.
Summer Breeze Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 WW think about something else regarding reading the OW/OM board. I know just what you're saying because sometimes I feel the same reading the Infidelity board. I actually had a time with my counsellor talking about LS and what is being said by others about MM in general and MM who have left their Ms for the OW specifically. At the end I realized that my reality is far from anyone elses reality. I have to have confidence in him or it's not worth progressing and if some post made by someone who knows nothing about me can sway me to the point of truly questioning him I shouldn't be with him. I need to trust what I see, feel, and know. I know that's all very basic but sometimes I tend to lose the basics and need a little nudge. The short of it is what I say, or what anyone else says is our experience. It's all worth considering and listening to but it isn't your reality. Don't let it shape your reality. I wish I was able to write as elegantly as so many posters but I'm just a ditzy thing that thinks faster than I write. I hope I make sense and am giving the encouragement I'm trying so desperately to. 2
shame_on_me Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 WW - I don't know ur situation but I can tell you that I love my wife and loved her even while falling for another woman, that never changed.
jwi71 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I guess this is just another of the twists and turns of the rollercoaster. First, I'm not all that familiar with your story. I looked up your previous threads and, upon seeing how many, thought "Daaaaaaaammmmmmnnnnn" So I read your first post in your first thread. I say this in case what I write, which I have now decided will be extensive, is off the mark. And I just changed my mind. I don't want to write a dissertation and have it be not applicable because I haven't done my homework. I'll now begin to type something vaguely helpful. I can't convince myself H is here because he wants to be. He says he is. He is doing the right things. He seems happier than before d-day. But not that much happier. He doesn't show his emotions much - which was OK when I had no reason to doubt him. This is normal on both parts. However I AM convinced he wants to be there with you. Because he is. What is keeping him from leaving? Well nothing - he could file and attempt to run to Susie Rottencrotch (my new name for his OW) for a "legitimate" R with her. But he hasn't. Why? He doesn't want to. If you aren't in MC start. If you are - bring this specific point up - you feel shut off from his emotions and it exacerbates your doubt. Communication needs to improve and be more open - not shut down. As this behavior existed BEFORE the A its origin is not the A. It's something more. And that is something HE works on in IC. I have read OW forum too much - all that doubt about whether a marriage can recover, whether an H can really love his wife while having an affair. 1) consider the source and how saying such may benefit them emotionally. 2) it's not true in most cases. 3) read two above. 4) dont fixate on the word "most" in point two and subsequently referred to in point three. Im an analyst and I must allow, by my nature and training, allow for cases where it IS true. I must also allow for the possibility that Halle Berry will knock on my door and beg me to have sex with her. I am not certain which is more likely - but I can hope! What tends to happen is the WS compartmentalizes his dual life. With each compartment fulfilling needs - and I would say somewhat different needs. So he does love his W in the M and does live the OW in the A. The real test is to force him to choose one. And as you have been reading the OW/OM forum- how often does the AP get selected? (not often) So you're H is exactly where he wants to be. I don't want to be the default choice. I couldn't bear to think he is still missing her and wishing he was with her. He says that isn't the case. How do I know? He may or may not be missing her and it's ultimately immaterial - and I know you won't buy it now. I would be concerned if he DIDN'T miss her tbh. They had a connection and it's natural to miss and grieve its loss. It may have been an A but it was a relationship and the feelings felt no less real. The WS has stages of recovery too - and grief over they end of the A is one. However, you answered your Q. You CANNOT know. You'll only drive yourself crazy thinking about. If he misses her then he is beginning to detach. Welcome it. Encourage it. Allow it. It heals you BOTH. And yes, he is hopefully lying to spare you further hurt. You need to break that cycle and be honest. This is another point for IC and MC. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he can do. That's normal. It passes. My suggestion to you is go to MC and IC and speak specifically about these concerns. Each couples path to recovery is unique - yet so very similiar. This is still fresh. It's still new. Keep going and you'll get there.
Spark1111 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 WW, two men have weighed in here. Trust them. I too believe a man is where he wants to be. Your H is with you. And live your LIFE like you will NEVER be anyone's default choice. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Having more faith in your H is going to take his demonstration of consistent actions over TIME. Don't hesitate to ask for what you need. If his actions remain consistent, then you should let TIME play out. It's a damn four-letter word. I did not have the patience. I always wanted a faster solution. It doesn't work that way. Fast is slow and slow is fast. Very frustrating. Cut yourself a break. I encourage you to stop focusing on the end goal and instead, watch for continuous improvement. If things are continuously improving, take solace in that. If they are not, consider a course correction. But don't expect to be at the destination any time soon or you will keep feeling like a failure. 1
Author waterwoman Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Thank you for all your replies. Made me weep a little I am so much more emotional than I used to be. It means a lot x betrayed -"But don't expect to be at the destination any time soon or you will keep feeling like a failure." THIS is so important really. Every post on here says this but I keep forgetting and wanting something dramatic! Like the end of a fairy tale. I think my life is less Hans Christian Anderson and more Ibsen right now. But hey...... summer - thankyou for that my lovely x I must admit I am downing some pinot grigio right now in place of the tea but I'll try that later. My spirit isn't what it was sadly - bit like a bonfire when someone's dropped a wet mattress on it. But it'll recover and I'll be blazing away. Thanks shame. I hope you find a resolution to your situation soon. jwi - I certainly have been putting myself about a bit on these forums I was quite shocked when I realised how much I had posted. But people here are so experienced. ANd I've never been here before so LS is a godsend. RE OW, she's really quite nice, honest. We could have been friends - she just has an unfortunate taste in men - ie they unfortunately all seem to be married MC is something we avoided - it's just not 'us'. We're both very British and reserved and H in particular hates to let it all hang out. I had a few sessions of IC which helped. Ideally H should have his own IC - but pigs would fly sooner. I will broach the subject again. He would agree - he already has - but I saw his reluctance before and I backed off. spark - "And live your LIFE like you will NEVER be anyone's default choice. " I agree with you and summer - that is EXACTLY what I should do. But somewhere along the line I became wife and mummy and not much else (apart from work) . I am trying to get things started with my photography again - got a flicka page going and gave wall calendars with my pics for christmas presents. I have volunteered for a local group that is clearing the local pond and park to make it a nice place to spend time. Only little things but things for me. 3
HappyAtLast Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Another man weighing in here. Believe me, a man WILL be with the woman with whom he is love. I was in love with my affair partner and nothing could have kept me away. Have some faith that your husband is EXACTLY with whom he wants to be. 1
cocorico Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 WW, you can't ever know beyond a shadow of a doubt what is in someone else's mind, or heart. And if you try, you will just twist yourself up into a pretzel. That's no way to live. That's not the M you would choose. You say he's doing all the right things, saying all the right things, giving you no reason to doubt. That's where faith comes in. If you have faith that a life with him would be better than a life without, allow that to determine your responses to doubt. I am also M to a man who was unfaithful, I know I could allow myself to doubt what's in his head and his heart and question whether he really believes he made the right choice, but what would I gain from that? It would spoil the wonderful time we have together, it would tarnish how great a team we are, it would cast a pallor on the specialness of the R. He's with you. If you're anything like you are here, with him, he knows how lucky he is to have you. He nearly lost you once. Is he that stupid that he'd not consider himself deeply fortunate for that? Your self-esteem took a blow. Of course. Do you want to let that win - the black dog of doubt and depression - or do you want your life back? You're doing well, but it's a choice you need to make every day. Choose happiness. 1
Snowflower Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 WW, you can't ever know beyond a shadow of a doubt what is in someone else's mind, or heart. And if you try, you will just twist yourself up into a pretzel. That's no way to live. That's not the M you would choose. You say he's doing all the right things, saying all the right things, giving you no reason to doubt. That's where faith comes in. If you have faith that a life with him would be better than a life without, allow that to determine your responses to doubt. I am also M to a man who was unfaithful, I know I could allow myself to doubt what's in his head and his heart and question whether he really believes he made the right choice, but what would I gain from that? It would spoil the wonderful time we have together, it would tarnish how great a team we are, it would cast a pallor on the specialness of the R. He's with you. If you're anything like you are here, with him, he knows how lucky he is to have you. He nearly lost you once. Is he that stupid that he'd not consider himself deeply fortunate for that? Your self-esteem took a blow. Of course. Do you want to let that win - the black dog of doubt and depression - or do you want your life back? You're doing well, but it's a choice you need to make every day. Choose happiness. This is really good!
Author waterwoman Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 This is really good! Yes, it is.
RickFox Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I guess this is just another of the twists and turns of the rollercoaster. I can't convince myself H is here because he wants to be. He says he is. He is doing the right things. He seems happier than before d-day. But not that much happier. He doesn't show his emotions much - which was OK when I had no reason to doubt him. I have read OW forum too much - all that doubt about whether a marriage can recover, whether an H can really love his wife while having an affair. I don't want to be the default choice. I couldn't bear to think he is still missing her and wishing he was with her. He says that isn't the case. How do I know? I don't know what to do. I don't know what he can do. Help! It's these sort of feelings that are going to scupper the reconciliation if anything does. Sounds exacty like my wife. She was basically relegated to second fiddle, second choice, what have you, and no matter what I said, it's how she felt. And rightfully so, here I was ready to walk out on her and our daughter for a woman I'd known just over a year and who never intended on leaving her H. So after I got my head cleared I have been showing her, not just telling her. Thing is, you won't know...I missed my exMW for a while, saw her all the time at the school, but after time, I've moved on, mind you I still get angry at xmw and myself and fluctuate ...but I don't miss her.... so what he does is he SHOWS you how he is making you his priority. You can't control what's on his mind but he can..... It is going to take time.... my M isn't outta the woods yet and won't be for a while.
TigerCub Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 WW, I always said that No one is where they don't want to be. Your husband is choosing to be with YOU. I can't even begin to give you advice on how you can get past this, because I can't even begin to understand what it's like to be in your shoes. All I can do is give virtual hugs ***HUG***
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