redredwine Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I looked to see if any others have posted about a situation like mine, but I can't find a thread that matches. I read here often, and I've taken a lot of advice and comfort from LS in the course of my ordeal. My husband had an affair for about a year, which ended without me finding out. His AP was married, so it was a d-day for her when her husband found out. This was about three years ago. She and my husband ended their affair then, and they don't see each other any more, except at work. I found out about all of this, when we were moving house last summer, and I found evidence of the affair. We went through months of fighting and crying and finally marriage counseling. I think reconciliation is possible for us. I want us to stay together. But there is another problem that is making me feel almost worse than the cheating. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else. Word got around that my husband got caught cheating, and suddenly I found out that everyone already knew about the whole thing. People who knew me and talked to me every day saw the whole thing, and they never told me anything about it. Even my sisters knew! My best friends knew, and they never said anything. The AP's husband even works in my office! They reconciled, and he knew my husband was his wife's AP, and he knew who I was. Everyone has known all this time. It feels like I can't trust anyone anymore. I am here on an internet forum because I would rather talk to strangers than my friends and family. I feel like they all betrayed me. I think I am going crazy, and I can't tell what's real or phony anymore. I need support more than ever in my life, and I am alone more than ever in my life. I don't even want to get out of bed anymore, I am so sad. Should I even stay here?
Author redredwine Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) We have talked about moving, and it should be financially possible around summer. My husband has been working really hard to make this right. He's open to try anything I ask if it's possible. But I don't want to write them all a letter. If I make any effort to patch things up, I'll do it with my sisters. The rest, I wish I just never had to see them again. I already had to be questioning everything that happened between me and my husband that year. We had birthdays, an anniversary, holidays, two vacations, and church. I had to question all of those times, andthink about the messages he sent her saying how much he missed her when he was with me doing those things. I haven't even gotten over that yet. But it's worse when I know that everyone around me already knew about the lie, and they saw me happy, and they thought it was okay to let me be ignorant. I feel so stupid, so stupid. Edited January 9, 2013 by redredwine
waterwoman Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 You are NOT stupid. You trusted the one person you should have been able to trust. I tend to agree that a lot of people let you down. I think that 'betrayed' is too strong a way to put it - I don't expect many people 'knew' for sure, most of them were probably doubtful about the rumours, or even if they were reasonably sure they didn't know if you'd want to know or how to tell you. More people are weak and unsure than actively malicious or hurtful. However I can sympathise with feeling rubbish about people knowing. 4 m after d-day someone whom I didnt know all that well sympathised with me about the affair . She was being very kind but it was a real kick in the belly. Because no matter how I rationalise it I felt degraded and worthless after his affair - you've only to read the OW section to know that a lot of people think affairs only happen because the spouse is failing in some way. In most cases I think that isn't so but it didn't stop me from feeling that way from time to time. ALso sympathise with a new revision of your shared history. When I found out I kept thinking of special events such as birthdays that happened during the affair and ALL of them seemed tainted and false. But it's early days for you still. And your H is on board and willing to try to fix things. Moving might be the best thing - new start, for both of you. I would stick to tackling your sisters - perhaps if you hear their reasoning it might help to clarify why others also failed to tell you. And after all sisters are the ones who matter most. So sorry that you are in this situation. Glad to hear H is on board with fixing this. 9
buckeyeblue Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I am so sorry for your pain. No one knew about my H's affair, but I still feel like my own life was a lie during the affair. Vacations, kids' birthdays and graduations were all tainted. I would be very hurt as well if my own sisters knew and didn't tell me. I can relate to feeling stupid, but came to realize that trusting someone I thought loved me was not stupid. I know it doesn't feel that way, but YOUR life was authentic.
road Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Yes you need to move far away for a fresh start. 1
underwater2010 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I would want to move away. And I could just imagine the wrath my sister would reap had she not told me. I am sorry for your pain. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I understand your humiliation. People can suspect, but not be truly sure, to attempt informing you. Most people lack the courage to be the messenger of bad news on a hunch, since, if it proves untrue, THEY will suffer humiliation and the potential loss of your friendship. However, if they had concrete evidence, not just a random sighting, and did not disclose it to you, that's is pretty terrible and I would jump on that. Do not forget hindsight is always 20-20. With that being said, the rule of thumb is to wait one year before making any life-altering decision; whether it be divorce, home-sale, new job, etc. What we do when packed, or upset, may very well change. If you still feel this way one year from now, then move. However, I want to remind yourself that you were the victim here of very poor choices your H and his fOW made. Remember, the shame of their actions is on them. For those who do not understand affairs, or believe it is a logical choice to solve marital problems, tell them to push off. Hold your head up high and tell yourself you did nothing wrong, certainly nothin he informed you was a deal-breaker to allow him to find someone else. 1
freestyle Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Uggh....I'm so sorry you had to go through this, redredwine. I can sympathize---finding out that others knew, & didn't inform you does feel like a slap in the face. I know there are those who subscribe to the "it's not my business" line of thinking, but I see that as a bunch of bunk. Interestingly enough, I just came across an article about that very topic--maybe it will be validating for you. It?s None of My Business?Or Is It? - Straight Talk 4 Women You may be better off, moving, and getting a fresh start. Running into to people who knew & didn't inform you is likely to be very triggering, and could delay your healing. 1
Author redredwine Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I needed to hear all of this so much! It's funny that I can believe good things from strangers on the internet more than my own friends! That article's eye-opening, too. I can almost see where some of my friends were coming from if they weren't sure, but I have a harder time with my sisters. My husband's been as helpful as he can be, obviously we aren't perfect and we still fight about it. But he gave up his best friend, too, after our d-day. This man knew, too, and he didn't do or say anything to stop it. I told my husband I couldn't be around this man anymore, and so they don't speak or see each other anymore. We're both very isolated, and we really only have each other now. I just look at people we knew together, and I wonder what they think about me. Do they think I was stupid? Do they think I didn't please my husband? It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. It makes me wonder if people see my marriage as a joke. We talked more about it this morning over breakfast. Now we're checking out real estate in another state, in a region we've always talked about living. It could still become a positive time for us. But not here. 1
mitchell Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Your sisters?? I simply cannot fathom the explanation for that one. How could they not come to you? 1
Crusoe Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 It feels like I can't trust anyone anymore. I am here on an internet forum because I would rather talk to strangers than my friends and family. I feel like they all betrayed me. I think I am going crazy, and I can't tell what's real or phony anymore. I need support more than ever in my life, and I am alone more than ever in my life. I don't even want to get out of bed anymore, I am so sad. Should I even stay here? Been there, redred, near everyone knew but me and I know how you feel. These people, supposed friends, watched me move away, extend my mortgage and change my work whilst knowing my ex was playing around. It did my head to keep finding out that yet another person I once trusted could sit back and smile at me while I unknowingly based my life on lies. Eventually I dropped the lot of them (including my sister) and started life again. From that point on things started to get better. Over a decade on and still no regrets for that choice. People like that aren't friends. Also, you're not stupid. If someone slipped a razor blade into a cake and you cut your mouth on it you wouldn't be stupid. There would be no way of knowing it was there and no reason to have any doubts. Especially if your friends watched the cake baked, saw the blade slipped in, and then sat back to watch you eat it. You'd naturally assume that those you trust would tell you if something was wrong with the cake. 1
NervisPervis Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Sorry to interject and make this about me, but I think I know what you are going through right now. I am working through (on a different forum) some long past (10 yrs+) questionable behavior by my wife that I rug swept at the time and left buried. It was a unique situation where everyone, including me, could see the tip of the iceberg. I can't speak for everyone else, but I couldn't say anything for fear of being accused of being the dreaded "controlling husband". I know some of our close friends (we've been with these folks for up to 20 years) have seen a lot of what's below the waterline, let's just say. They know of the situations. They know of my wife's involvement. Some have visual memories. Others in the neighborhood may have been involved and told stories. And any number of them could have heard a story that starts with "did you hear about what Mrs. NervisPevis did way back when..." Anyhow, I'm looking for closure from my wife. I saw enough of the iceberg, got a little more from her after confrontation number one (didn't go well), and filled in a few more blanks from reading these forums (what an IDIOT I was). I want closure from her. I want to know what went on. I know she will not tell me. Some of our mutual friends may know. And as I really started to think about who I could talk to about it, the list got REALLY long. I fear, like you, every single friend I know knows what went on and haven't been telling me. It went from me thinking it was a paranoid conspiracy to just...paranoid. How many people that I know can know about this and not tell me? And it's more than just paranoia right now. I dipped my to into the water with 2 friends. One essentially said "I know something but won't tell you". The other just clammed up in a bad way when she saw the direction my question was going. How could these people lie to us? I'm not the greatest guy in the world, but these people like me a lot. Some wold say they love me. You're friends love you. Your sisters? How could all of these people have turned on us? Answer: they didn't. My situation is at the point where I need to start talking to some of them. I will find out why they didn't tell me, if it gets to that. I can guarantee not ONE of them will say it was evil. They will have reasons. And I'll want to hear them. But NONE of them are not my friends because of it. Talk to your sisters. see what they say. Good luck.
Decorative Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I needed to hear all of this so much! It's funny that I can believe good things from strangers on the internet more than my own friends! That article's eye-opening, too. I can almost see where some of my friends were coming from if they weren't sure, but I have a harder time with my sisters. My husband's been as helpful as he can be, obviously we aren't perfect and we still fight about it. But he gave up his best friend, too, after our d-day. This man knew, too, and he didn't do or say anything to stop it. I told my husband I couldn't be around this man anymore, and so they don't speak or see each other anymore. We're both very isolated, and we really only have each other now. I just look at people we knew together, and I wonder what they think about me. Do they think I was stupid? Do they think I didn't please my husband? It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. It makes me wonder if people see my marriage as a joke. We talked more about it this morning over breakfast. Now we're checking out real estate in another state, in a region we've always talked about living. It could still become a positive time for us. But not here. I think you are absolutely right to be upset that people didn't tell you. We just told a betrayed wife a few days ago in our town- because it was the right thing to do. Was it easy? No. But it was the right thing to do. But some people just don't have the will to get involved. Anyone who judges you and thinks you are stupid? Isn't worthy of your time and attention. As for your sisters-I sort of understand the special anger at her. My inlaws knew about my spouse's affair and elected not to tell me. They even had her in their house. I think if you decide moving is right for you- it can be a new chapter, a new beginning - and a hugely positive thing. 3
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I just look at people we knew together, and I wonder what they think about me. Do they think I was stupid? Do they think I didn't please my husband? It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. It makes me wonder if people see my marriage as a joke. No one knew about my WS's affair before I did. But I still have these thoughts and feelings about those that know about it now. I can only imagine how much worse these thoughts are for you. Makes me ache to think of it
2long Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 My husband has been working really hard to make this right. No he hasn't. He's still more interested in protecting the affair and himself than in making things right with you. How long have you been married? Have any kids? How old are you? -ol' 2long
Snowflower Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 No, if you feel that way, move and start over. Life is too short to spend even one day so sad you can't get out of bed, you deserve a life filled with happiness and friends and others you can rely on. It isn't htat hard to start over. It's only when you start worrying about "stuff" that it becomes harder. He may have to make sacrafices, work another job to make ends meet if you aren't financially set to make a move right this minute, but, he should be willing to do those things to "make it up to you" if he really wants to, after all he was the one that put you in this predicament. I am sorry for your pain but I think staying in a small town where you feel like you are being talked about or that every time you see someone that you have been betrayed.. I think that is a recipe for disaster. I know it's said and was said on this thread to wait at least a year. I woudln't wait. I understand the thought process, but I don't believe in watching life go by. Things are either ok or not eventually and I am a firm believer in the quote that says " A year from now you will wish you had started today." Good luck. This isn't healthy either. Do you have friends or family ELSEWHERE that you can lean on? The two of you have a lot of repairing to do if you start a new life together. He can't be your only world right now, certainly shoudln't be. That's too much pressure on anyone, especially yourself. Good post. ^^^ RRW, do you have any friends/family in your current town on whom you can rely? Even if they're in-laws? The last part of the post above really struck a chord with me and LFH brings up a really good point that he can't be your only world right now, and you can't be his. It will work for a little while and it is ultimately not healthy. This was one of the problems that my H and I had with our reconciliation. We became so focused on each other that we nearly blew out our relationship. It was too much pressure on him and on me. So that being said, is there anyone locally whom you can trust? If not, what about somewhere else? Friends or family who live somewhere else? I understand that you want to start over new somewhere else. Maybe someplace that you have always wanted to try. The thing is, it is hard to start over in a new place when you don't know anyone. (take it from me, I've been there a lot) You will only have your husband and then there is that pressure thing again. See where I'm going with this?
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