Lobouspo Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 So I meet this woman online, and we agree to meet for lunch last Sunday. I know she is a single mom with a toddler, we make plans to meet but she gives no inclination she is bringing her daughter. So needless to say I am surprised and a bit unsettled when I see her in the lobby with her kid. She is pleasant and nice, but it does get awkward when the kid stars acting out. I mean she is 3 years old so I understand, but how common is this? She wants to go out again and offered to pay, but I just don't know. Who am I to tell her not to bring her child along? Has this ever happened to you? How should I handle this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Emissary Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I would let it slide this once, but if she brings the kid again then ditch her. It may seem cruel, but she's not taking you seriously in the slightest if she won't get somebody to look after the kid so she can get to know you better. Either that or she's openly in the market for somebody to be the kid's father figure which is a very dangerous mindset to have. 2
Author Lobouspo Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Yeah, one thing she doesn't come across as the low life mooch type looking to just get mileage out of people. I mean she is educated and has a good job. Just seems unfair to the kid exposing her to a guy she doesnt really know.
Maneater Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Yeah, one thing she doesn't come across as the low life mooch type looking to just get mileage out of people. I mean she is educated and has a good job. Just seems unfair to the kid exposing her to a guy she doesnt really know. Agreed, thats more odd that she will subject a child to a new guy. I'm guessing she thinks he's so young he won't understand but still, very odd. I guess if you're that interested then give her a shot but this is the first I've ever heard anyone doing this. I mean can't you guys just reschedule?
MsSmurf Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I would have been very uncomfortable if my date showed up for our first date with their child. Dates are for grown ups to assess romantic chemistry. It is hard enough to get to know each other without putting a child into the mix. Now if after several dates the two of you talked about a date that would properly incorporate said child then that is one thing, but not for a first date. It sounds like she didn't ask you about this beforehand or even give you a last minute heads up with the sitter flaked/is sick/etc excuse so that tells you right there what getting to know her is going to be like. I don't think you're at all out of line suggesting that your next date (assuming you want to see her again) be adults only. Her time may be limited due to her parenting responsibilities, but that is something you can work with her on if you choose. If she refuses to leave her kid at home or agrees to do so and then brings them anyway I'd move on.
somedude81 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Actually it sounds like a great idea. Her child is part of the package. If you don't want to be around her kid, then why are you dating her?
Author Lobouspo Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Agreed, thats more odd that she will subject a child to a new guy. I'm guessing she thinks he's so young he won't understand but still, very odd. I guess if you're that interested then give her a shot but this is the first I've ever heard anyone doing this. I mean can't you guys just reschedule? Well she just acted like it was no big deal bringing her kid along. No explanation, nothing. I mean I know its tough for single parents with sitters and all, but most single folks I have ever known don't let dates meet their kids until it starts getting serious.
Maneater Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Well she just acted like it was no big deal bringing her kid along. No explanation, nothing. I mean I know its tough for single parents with sitters and all, but most single folks I have ever known don't let dates meet their kids until it starts getting serious. Yes it's unsettling that she just will subject her kid to this. Maybe she didn't want to say no? This is still very weird, you def need to give us an update about this later!
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 That just something that would be a buzz kill for me romantically. I sympathize with her being a single mother of a toddler...I guess, I mean I hardly know the woman so wtf. This is a first date not a kid's birthday party, why would anyone want some stranger meeting their daughter? And how odd is that bringing a 3 year old on a date? You met her online and yet she's comfortable just bringing her daughter along like you're some old friend? It would make me question this woman's common sense and responsibility, It's just an incompatibility right off the bat...because if that was my child the last thing I'd want is my kid tagging along on first dates, with online dates especially, so for me that's a "It was nice to meet you...but I got a train to catch and it goes in the opposite direction of wherever you are going" Up to you, she might be a nice person but If she doesn't have the sense to not bring her kid on a first date, I'm not waiting around to find out what else she's doing "outside the box". That's enough for me. Maybe you've got a few marbles rolling around too in that head of yours and it doesn't bother you much, or maybe that pulls on your strings a little bit? 2
Author Lobouspo Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Actually it sounds like a great idea. Her child is part of the package. If you don't want to be around her kid, then why are you dating her? I know she is part of the package, and I like kids....I just don't want to bond with the kid only to find out a few dates down the road that her mom and I are incompatible.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Being me, I'd probably tell her something too about it..."Don't bring your child on dates with men, that is highly inappropriate and it's not going to reflect good on you nor make any positive impression on a man unless he's a child molester....but seriously, think who you could be meeting out there, that should be a concern for you" I'm a bit sensitive to the protection and safety of children as it is. 2
somedude81 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I know she is part of the package, and I like kids....I just don't want to bond with the kid only to find out a few dates down the road that her mom and I are incompatible. Bond with the kid? I've never dated a single mother so I don't really understand. Anyways I was more in the way of thinking that she brought her kid with her because she wanted to make a statement of, "This is my kid, like being around her or leave." I wouldn't be surprised if she's dated men before who were fine going on dates with her by herself and when she brought her kid into the picture the guy vanished. So she's essentially saving herself time and avoiding bonding with men that it would never work out with.
Radu Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I would let it slide this once, but if she brings the kid again then ditch her. It may seem cruel, but she's not taking you seriously in the slightest if she won't get somebody to look after the kid so she can get to know you better. Either that or she's openly in the market for somebody to be the kid's father figure which is a very dangerous mindset to have. This, but adding ... she is not taking her toddler seriously if she continues to do this. You do not bring a 3yr old to meet the new 'uncle' on the first date. Kids are introduced much later, personally i would feel bad if she introduced the kid earlier than 5-6months. The ideea is for the mother to protect the child from unknown influences, not use it as a way to kickstart 'fatherhood mode' in the guy. 2
kaylan Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Wow....kid on a date? No, just no. Kids shouldnt meet the person their parent is dating until the parents vets that person. And Id say they shouldnt meet the kids until exclusivity is reached too. 2
phineas Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Being me, I'd probably tell her something too about it..."Don't bring your child on dates with men, that is highly inappropriate and it's not going to reflect good on you nor make any positive impression on a man unless he's a child molester....but seriously, think who you could be meeting out there, that should be a concern for you" I'm a bit sensitive to the protection and safety of children as it is. Being me, because I would most likely not want to see her again i'd ask if I could watch her breast feed. Then i'd come here & refresh the forum all day to see if she came here to complain about me. 3
SmileFace Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Hell no. You should start questioning her mentality at this point. This is beyond selfish to the child. 3
phineas Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Wow....kid on a date? No, just no. Kids shouldnt meet the person their parent is dating until the parents vets that person. And Id say they shouldnt meet the kids until exclusivity is reached too. I agree with this 80%. I'd never allow someone to officially meet my kids, in our home in a private manner and hanging out with us at home, spending the night, ect. until I was somewhat sure they were sticking around. However, I got no problem having them around my kids at a party or sometimes as my "helper" should I take them to an amusement park or some other place. The kids are small so "helpers" are part of their life at school & they accept that. My kids aren't the "bad kids" that need to be talked to by every adult because they are throwing rocks at pets or anything like that, but my friends do refer to my boy's as "the spawn" . They don't stop & go in two different directions at once plus constantly fight. It's best to let women see sooner than later just what they may be getting into.
soccerrprp Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 NO NO NO... Not a good idea! Ask her to stop and find sitting for the child from now on. You have to establish a relationship with her first. You are quite aware that she's part of a package. But the three year old also needs to be considered with care. Not so much concerned about the three year old becoming too attached, but you! Yes, I've been through something similar, not on the first or second date, but I became emotionally attached to my ex's kids and it can be tough. Aside from that, what does it tell you about her feelings on this matter? Is she using the child to shield her from any physical intimacy when and if things progress? Is she testing you to see if you can handle being with her child? How you behave around her and the child? A lot to take in during the beginning stages of a "relationship" don't you think? As her to find sitting and move on from there. I would be surprised if she resists this idea.
Emilia Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Bond with the kid? I've never dated a single mother so I don't really understand. Are you serious? 1
crude Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 If dating is the first step to marriage, this makes sense. Why date for a while successfully, THEN meet the child, and have a disaster. You wasted 6 dates and maybe a month for nothing.
CarrieT Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Actually it sounds like a great idea. Her child is part of the package. If you don't want to be around her kid, then why are you dating her? No, no, no.... Children bond to people way too easily and early in their life. They should not be exposed to someone that may not be around in a week or three or a year or three. My fiance would not introduce me to his children until we had been seeing each other for at least four months before there was an introduction. I didn't start interacting with them until we had been together for six month. There has to be the guarantee of longevity in a relationship before screwing with kids. 4
KathyM Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 That was a very poor decision on her part. I'd suggest you pass on this woman. She may be educated, but her common sense is seriously lacking. 1
mammasita Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Extremely ODD. No way should a parent bring a child on a first date. If she didn't have a sitter that day, she should have rescheduled. 1
somedude81 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 No, no, no.... Children bond to people way too easily and early in their life. They should not be exposed to someone that may not be around in a week or three or a year or three. My fiance would not introduce me to his children until we had been seeing each other for at least four months before there was an introduction. I didn't start interacting with them until we had been together for six month. There has to be the guarantee of longevity in a relationship before screwing with kids. Helpful reply. Are you serious? Garbage reply.
Emilia Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Garbage reply. It was an incredulous reply (look it up) 1
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