forgiveandforget Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Hi guys, I'm new to this forum and was so glad to find there are people out there in my same situation. I have been the OW to a MM for a year and three months now. Let me start with a little background: I'm 21 years old and a senior in college. I've always been extremely mature and never really fit in with anyone my own age. I met a guy through work, we'll call him T, over two years ago. We began to text and email about work related things, nothing more at first. Over the course of the next year we began to talk more. We eventually hung out. It was a completely platonic friendship. He is 29. He got married in September of 2011. While hanging out that December after a work party, he kissed me for the first time and everything changed. I immediately pulled away and reminded him that he was married. He apologized and went into a long, drawn out spill about how he was separated and she had already moved out. STUPIDLY, I believed every word that came out of his mouth. We continued to hang out, at his house and at mine. I had no reason to believe he was still in a relationship with her. I honestly believed he was 100 percent genuine. We waited eight months before having sex, leading me to believe this wasn't the only thing he wanted from me. Over Christmas break a few weeks, while I was at home, I saw a picture from a family Christmas dinner on Facebook that he was tagged in, along with his wife. I was devastated. I truly and idiotically believed she was completely out of the picture. After asking him about it he said that they hadn't told his parents about the divorce yet because of their belief. I think this is complete and total bull****. I want more than anything to believe him, but I just can't. I guess what I'm really asking for is advice on how to end this for good. The longest we've gone with NC is three days in two years. I do love this man so I know I will be completely heartbroken. I want more for myself than to be somebody's option, and I do think I deserve more. Do any former OW have advice for me? How did you end it? How do I even begin that conversation?
MrWindupBird Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I'm new, too. But your situation rings of my experience, so I'll try to help you. My story—I cheated on my wife 6 years ago with my current-wife. I was young and dumb when I got married. I was 19. But that's no excuse. I met my current-wife on the internet, who was a former platonic friend, and in a month she was pregnant, and I was in way over my head. Fast forward 6 years, I divorced my wife then remarried the dreaded OW. Your situation with the wife in the picture sounds a little hard to believe. But when I had separated from my first wife, I had a dear relative to die of old age, and I went to his funeral with my then-wife because we'd been separated maybe 2 months, and I hadn't broadcasted it to the rest of my family. It's big news, and it's never easy to tell everyone that not only are you separating, but you've been cheating as well. I was also accustomed to having my then-wife there for me as support, and she wanted to go, so we went together despite me living with my now-wife at the time. Your situation varies a bit, though, because the length of time since he's been separated sounds significantly longer than in my situation. It seems hard to believe in such a long amount of time, he hasn't told his family. About him being around all the time, I carried on the affair for a year before leaving my original wife. I was busted a few weeks in, lied about breaking ties, and I went unnoticed for about 6 months until I got caught again. In that time, my wife worked evenings as a nurse, and I spent nearly every day with my affair. My affair's roommate just thought I was a boyfriend. She was really cool with me until she found out I was married, after being told, and then she stopped talking to me. I say that to illustrate that it's relatively simple to trick someone into thinking you're just a normal person whose time is his/her own. About leaving him, it's not easy. My affair didn't end. I married her. But if he indeed is cheating on his wife, with you, then you need to understand the psychology of a man who cheats. It's deep inside him. It's like a drug to people like us. My first wife was gorgeous and as selfless as anyone I've ever met, but I found little things to convince me that I should find another love. Now I'm married to my affair after a very rocky relationship, and I'm starting to grow lonely again. It's something I struggle with pretty much endlessly. I would recommend any woman to distance herself from such a situation. You deserve better than the chaos of an affair. As much as I hate the feeling of breaking someone's heart, as well as my own, life after an affair (especially a lengthy one) is like the calm after a storm. It's so much simpler. Your problem, though, is that you're not sure if he's really lying to you. You should insist on going to his house at different times of the day to be sure his wife isn't there. You may have been there in the evenings, but that might be when she works. Be thorough, and I don't suggest stalking, but you need to protect yourself, so I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to swing past before work to see if someone's there. 1
Author forgiveandforget Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I'm new, too. But your situation rings of my experience, so I'll try to help you. My story—I cheated on my wife 6 years ago with my current-wife. I was young and dumb when I got married. I was 19. But that's no excuse. I met my current-wife on the internet, who was a former platonic friend, and in a month she was pregnant, and I was in way over my head. Fast forward 6 years, I divorced my wife then remarried the dreaded OW. Your situation with the wife in the picture sounds a little hard to believe. But when I had separated from my first wife, I had a dear relative to die of old age, and I went to his funeral with my then-wife because we'd been separated maybe 2 months, and I hadn't broadcasted it to the rest of my family. It's big news, and it's never easy to tell everyone that not only are you separating, but you've been cheating as well. I was also accustomed to having my then-wife there for me as support, and she wanted to go, so we went together despite me living with my now-wife at the time. Your situation varies a bit, though, because the length of time since he's been separated sounds significantly longer than in my situation. It seems hard to believe in such a long amount of time, he hasn't told his family. About him being around all the time, I carried on the affair for a year before leaving my original wife. I was busted a few weeks in, lied about breaking ties, and I went unnoticed for about 6 months until I got caught again. In that time, my wife worked evenings as a nurse, and I spent nearly every day with my affair. My affair's roommate just thought I was a boyfriend. She was really cool with me until she found out I was married, after being told, and then she stopped talking to me. I say that to illustrate that it's relatively simple to trick someone into thinking you're just a normal person whose time is his/her own. About leaving him, it's not easy. My affair didn't end. I married her. But if he indeed is cheating on his wife, with you, then you need to understand the psychology of a man who cheats. It's deep inside him. It's like a drug to people like us. My first wife was gorgeous and as selfless as anyone I've ever met, but I found little things to convince me that I should find another love. Now I'm married to my affair after a very rocky relationship, and I'm starting to grow lonely again. It's something I struggle with pretty much endlessly. I would recommend any woman to distance herself from such a situation. You deserve better than the chaos of an affair. As much as I hate the feeling of breaking someone's heart, as well as my own, life after an affair (especially a lengthy one) is like the calm after a storm. It's so much simpler. Your problem, though, is that you're not sure if he's really lying to you. You should insist on going to his house at different times of the day to be sure his wife isn't there. You may have been there in the evenings, but that might be when she works. Be thorough, and I don't suggest stalking, but you need to protect yourself, so I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to swing past before work to see if someone's there. Thanks Mr. Windupbird, You did help. I guess I just don't understand why he was only married for a few months before getting involved with me. I understand most men cheat because there's some type of void, but shouldn't the first year be the honeymoon stsge?? I'm starting to question all of the I love yous and everything he ever said to me. Best wishes to you. I hope you find peace and contentment.
MrWindupBird Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Thanks Mr. Windupbird, You did help. I guess I just don't understand why he was only married for a few months before getting involved with me. I understand most men cheat because there's some type of void, but shouldn't the first year be the honeymoon stsge?? I'm starting to question all of the I love yous and everything he ever said to me. Best wishes to you. I hope you find peace and contentment. You too. For sure. When he says he loves you, he could very mean it. I think a person can love two people at the same time—especially if those two people are different and offer different qualities to his/her life. The thing about marriages is that they're all different. Some marriages, especially shotgun marriages, are often last-resort to salvaging a relationship when one or both people know it should probably be over. This could be totally non-applicable to your case, but it gives you an idea on how weird relationships can get. I hope it works out for you, though. Have a good night. 2
woinlove Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I want more than anything to believe him, but I just can't. I guess what I'm really asking for is advice on how to end this for good. The longest we've gone with NC is three days in two years. I do love this man so I know I will be completely heartbroken. I want more for myself than to be somebody's option, and I do think I deserve more. Do any former OW have advice for me? How did you end it? How do I even begin that conversation? Your head may be telling you you want more and deserve more, but you have to really believe that. When you really believe it, it becomes easier to end things, because you don't want to go back. I ended things when I started to see more clearly how xMM had treated his W and questioned whether he would really change. MrWindup also alludes to this in saying you need to understand what people who are living a double life are like. Changing partners is not sufficient, the person needs to change internally. [MrWindup, I do hope you solve the loneliness you feel in your current M constructively.] Not everyone changes, perhaps even most don't change. In my case, xMM repeated the behavior in his next relationship. In your case, MM can't give any indication that he is changing while he is still married and living a double life to his family and to you. You do deserve better. Start really believing that because it is true.
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