stevie_23 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 This is written from the point of view of my ex...can you please read (it's long, sorry!) and let me know what you would do if you were him? Thank you so much... ------------------------ You are a 61 year old man. You met a 34 year old woman online almost 2 years ago (when you were 59 and she was 32), who lives across the other side of the world. You didn’t intend for anything to happen. You met on a songwriting forum and were friends for a few years. Then you got much closer and became a proper couple. You fell deeply in love and felt as if you’d been together for many lifetimes, and would always be together. In the meantime, you had been with your partner for 2-3 years at that stage. You felt you’d never really been in love with her, but cared for her and had always felt an obligation to provide for her and make sure her 3 adult kids got through college and she had some domestic stability in her life. She wants to marry you. You don’t want to and turn her down when she asks. You feel such a deep and all consuming love for this other woman and wish to really be with her. You make plans, try to work around the many obstacles. You have no money, no way of going to visit her without breaking up your current relationship and risking everything in your life. She cannot come and visit you either as she has no money and is also with someone (for over 10 years) and is not prepared to leave her partner before knowing things will work out “in person” with you. You plan to move out of your house where your partner and her 3 kids live, which you’ve never been happy living in. You want privacy and space to live your life freely, and to be with your online love, who you feel is your true spiritual wife. You spend every waking moment thinking of her, daydreaming of being together one day, chatting online with her, texting her, doing videos for her where you sit and talk to her intimately. You tell her you will never leave her and that you love her more than anything. Your partner finds out about your secret relationship a couple of times and it’s awkward. Nothing is ever discussed. You do not love her, you barely see her and you prefer it like this. You hide yourself away in your music studio whenever you’re at home, even at meal times, and when your online love is sleeping. You have no interest in being a family with them. Eventually each time, things have settled down and go back to normal and you continue on, happy to be with your online love, though it is a constant strain to have to hide from your wife, to avoid her so you can be with your love and get the required space to do so. Then you suddenly get very sick and end up in the hospital for a week. The medical bills are huge and you have no insurance. Your partner does through her employer but you can only use it if you get married to her. There is pressure on you from everyone, and you see no other option. You feel like an old man for the first time in your life and worry your health will only deteriorate. You have no privacy or space at home anymore as everyone watches you constantly to make sure you’re ok. You cannot think clearly due to the illness and feel exhausted. You feel like you have failed in your life and tell your online love you cannot be the husband you so wanted to be for her. You end things with a touching and loving email, knowing she will be devastated but you feel it’s better for her. You can’t burden her with having to care for you if you’re sick and old, and also not having enough time and space to be with her online anymore. Over the next month, you feel like you’re in a constant fog. You are not happy without her, but can’t see another way. You have had to accept you can now never be together in person as you are tied to your wife due to health and financial reasons. You feel you have wrecked everything. Your online love keeps trying to talk to you. She writes to you at the only place she knows you still check (you can’t bear to check your emails anymore. It’s too painful for you). Finally, something clicks and you respond. You realise again how much you need her. You feel like a huge weight has been lifted and you are so relieved she persisted. You admit to yourself that if she hadn’t kept trying and hadn’t refused to give up on you, you would have eventually had to seek her out yourself. You smile your first genuine smile in all that time away from her and only start to feel yourself and normal again once you’re settled back together. A week later you go on your honeymoon. You refuse to call it that, but have an ok time. Your new wife tries to be intimate with you. You oblige but feel nothing, you only think of your online love the whole time, and when you get back home you email her within the hour, reaching out for her. 3 weeks after that, your wife finds out again. She finds your email account and secret phone you used for texting your love. She deletes the email account and throws away the phone. You are crushed and knocked down, after only just feeling back to normal. You feel hopeless. You tell your love as soon as you can what’s happened. Your wife intercepts a message your love tries to send to you and you cannot email or text her now. You lie low for a while, not wanting to risk your stability, health and financial situation. You have no source of income and don’t know if your health will allow you to ever again. You are stuck. Miserable. Within 2 weeks you reach out to your online love again. She has been keeping as close as she could, but without contacting you directly. You have felt her and have written songs about your feelings and your life and troubles. She knows you think of her all the time and she is still standing by your side. Within another 2 weeks you make a new email account and buy a new secret phone. You feel good again, and are now very careful about when you contact your online love. Only when your wife is out of the house, working. No other time. The restrictions are very hard but you obey in order to maintain your online relationship safely in the long term. Things go along smoothly for 2 months. You are increasingly tense however as you have to get a proper “day job”, which you’ve never had before. Previously you were always your own boss, had your own landscaping companies, etc. But the economy has been bad for a long time and you need money. You get a job and are very nervous about how it will be to live in this new routine of 8.30am – 5.30pm Monday to Friday. You confide everything in your online love, as you always have. She is with you and you feel supported and understood. Safe. Loved. You still tell her frequently how much you love her and that you will never leave her. She expresses concerns. She is often anxious now, because she has developed a mild phobia of your wife finding out about your relationship again. She asks you directly if she did find out again, would she be gone from your life, would you be over. You say no. You don’t know if you believe it though. You think you do. Her other concerns are that once you start your new job, you will lose interest in her. You will have less time for yourself and you will not want to “waste” time spending it with her anymore. You say no way, that you will need her even more then. She is reassured but you know she’s still worried. You feel bad because back in the old days, you were free to spend many hours with her each day, before the constant scrutiny and paranoia of your wife. (who you do not consider your true wife at all) Now you are reduced to time together once a day, most days. Some days if your wife is home you cannot talk to her at all and it’s so hard. You wonder at the back of your head how things will be once your new job starts and you can no longer get the time to write her long emails or do videos for her as often anymore. You take her with you (in the form of videoing) to buy new work shirts and pants. You show her your instruction technical manual you have to read and memorise for your new job and the letter of employment from the new company. You keep her as close as you can, by your side, through this big change in your life. You need her and want and love her. You have to go away for the weekend right before the first day of your new job. One of your wife’s daughters is moving out of home finally and you all drive 2 states away to move her in. You hate these trips as you get no space and time to yourself for the weekend. And no contact with your online love, though you bring your secret phone and keep it hidden, and try to text when you can, which is hardly ever. The morning of your first day of work, you film yourself getting dressed in your new work clothes and chat online with your love. She calms you, distracts you. You feel so loved and appreciated. And so nervous about the job. You keep chatting and then texting right up until you go to work. Your love does not know how your first day was until the next morning though, because after you get home at the end of a long day, your wife is there as are the 2 remaining adult kids who live there, and you have to make dinner and then clean up, as you do everyday as they all do nothing around the house. You don’t get dinner served until after 7.30pm (usually it’s 6pm but now you have this new job and don’t get home until almost 6pm), and one of the kids complains rudely. You are sick of it all and need your online love but cannot talk to her because you have no space. The next morning you chat with her again, and you’re happy to be there. You are ok with your new job but tense. You feel a shift inside yourself. You’re not quite sure what it is. Possibly a subconscious letting go of the intense need you feel for her. You do not have time in your afternoons anymore to do videos or think of her even. You are unable to be with her when you want to (which is all the time) and deep down, perhaps it is getting harder to live with wanting and needing something / someone you can never really have. And perhaps it might be easier to let your high level of need for her reduce, because otherwise it’s just too hard. The next 2 days aren’t too bad. You have more time in the evenings when you get home as you made dinners already and just need to defrost them. You are not able to be with your love though still, as your wife is home. The 2nd night she goes out to work late and you can chat online. You are happy and have a really good chat. She “puts you to bed”, as she used to do every night before your wife was home most evenings. Thursday night you’re going out to play live music at a friend’s house. Your wife is out that night too and you could spend that time being with your online love, but you need some balance in your life too and feel a great need to get out some of your tension and stress from the week by jamming on the guitar and drums with this friend. Your love is fine with this (she has not always been. She can be a bit possessive, but you understand because you know she needs and wants you more than you can give her due to your situation. She is insecure a lot because of that), and you say you will chat briefly when you get home. Also, you know you have the next 5 consecutive mornings to chat and text with her. You tell her you haven’t looked forward to a Saturday this much in ages (because you can spend it with her, while your wife is out working, and not have to go to work afterwards). You say you will be “all over” her and both of you cannot wait. You feel the need to reconnect. You don’t know she intends to spend the next chat you have talking only about how you’ve been feeling about your new job. Thursday morning you get up and go for your early morning run and are showered and dressed as usual, ready for your wife to leave at 6.20am for work. She is still in bed though. You are confused and disappointed. Seems she changed her schedule last minute. You send a text to let your online love know. She is already waiting at the computer for you. Oops. She’s disappointed but ok with it. She’s looking forward to the next 4 days of chats and texting with you. You text a few times before she goes to bed and you leave for work. You don’t know (you think) that she needs desperately to feel you still want to reach out to her and keep her close now you have this new routine. She wants you to bring your secret phone with you to work (as you said you would do everyday before you started the job), so you can text her on your lunch hour and tonight, since you’ll be out at the friend’s house, so you can text her when you drive home. Like you’ve done several times before recently. You do not do this. And as a result, you also do not know your love has been distressed and in tears over the fact you are drifting away from her and also fear your wife has found out about your relationship again. You get home, excited and refreshed after your jam session. You come into the chat and see her there. You are so happy to see her. You don’t know she didn’t expect you to be there (even though you said you would chat before bed) as it’s now an hour later than you usually get home from the friend’s house. She is not happy. She is angry. Her distress of earlier has turned to anger and you don’t know how to feel. You have suddenly been brought down from your happy mood because of her. You feel pressured, trapped, like you’re not good enough for her, and you are stressed again. She batters you down with her words for a minute, you respond with emotional exhaustion and then say “I can’t deal with this” and leave the chat. - this next part is only based on assumptions - The next morning you are not really angry anymore and intend to be with her again as planned, to talk and sort it out. You know she will be waiting online for you. Your wife confronts you with a bank record, showing monthly payments to the company your secret phone is with. You are beaten down again, completely. You don’t know what to do. You can’t deny it anymore. You throw the phone away. In the back of your head you know your online love will be waiting for you, texting you, emailing you. You can’t deal with anything right now so you do nothing. You go to work as normal. In the meantime, your love is trying desperately to contact you. She thinks you hate her as you’re totally ignoring her after your bad ending chat the other day. For days you do nothing. Your wife goes to work, and you could safely contact your online love, but you don’t. You know she is likely growing ever more distressed and upset by this. A week later, a week before Christmas, you write a new song. It is about the relationship. You call it “Remember” and the first words are “It’s done”. You may be feeling a muddle of emotions…disappointment, paralysis with a lack of knowing what to do or how to do it, anger, shame, frustration, disillusionment, sadness, exhaustion on an emotional level…beaten down. Your song says time is not our friend but if we remember our time will come again. You and your online love have always believed you’ve been together for many past lifetimes and will continue to be in future lives too. This brings you the only comfort you can find at this point in your life. Your love hears this song and tries to contact you, this time not by email or text, but directly through the songwriting forum as she knows you’re still going on there everyday. She still thinks you’re mad at her, and that brings you back to reality a little, as you’d forgotten almost that you had had that brief fight over a week ago. You have been in a fog and completely lost in yourself and your own life and problems and unsatisfactory existence. You still don’t know what to say to her. 2 days later you finally respond, telling her she is your only one true wife. You will love her forever, but you cannot be with her this way anymore. It is too hard now, with your new job. You tell her you simply cannot live 2 lives anymore and you’re sorry, but you don’t know what to do. She writes back, upset but seemingly determined not to give up on you. She asks if you were planning to leave her when you got this new job? If not, then nothing need change now. She thinks it’s because your wife found out again and you are inclined to agree, but…it can’t be just that surely. She says many other things and then offers a 2 week trial in the new year, once things settle down. She knows you still have time in the mornings before work and when your wife is out working, to be with her. She is happy to only chat when you want to, even if it’s only 1-2 times a week, if your problem is you need extra time to do your own thing alone and not spend it all with her. She is desperate, you can see. You don’t want that for her, or for yourself. Clutching at straws of dwindling time. You respond, saying you’re trying but it’s hard to be safe online right now as your wife is there. You say you’ll try to get her on email. You then send an email to her, merely saying it’s very difficult and not safe to be messaging through that songwriting forum (your wife has access to your account there and has been checking it). The next day you send another email from work, saying the internet connection in your studio at home (where you always are to go online) is not functioning and you seem to have bent the router connection somehow. So there is only access from work now (from the iPad they gave you at the beginning of that second week). You do not call her your usual names for her. It is cold and empty, what you say and how you say it. You have lost yourself, you have lost her, you cannot feel right now very much of anything. You are defeated. You still go online every night, just on the songwriting forum, but nowhere else. No emails. No chats. Nothing to do with her anymore. She doesn’t know why you can’t go online on your iPad in the morning when your wife is not home, so it’s safe. She doesn’t know why you don’t get your studio computer fixed. She feels you are making excuses to not be with her. You are inclined to agree. You do not talk to her again. A week later you write a new song. It was Christmas 4 days before. The song is called Meet Me In Your Dreams. It is about her, of course. You feel now you can only be together on that other level…in dreams…in the second chance of a new future lifetime together. You have given up and need to move on, but she is still on your mind. You feel bad about letting her hang and think you had left her because of anger at words she said. You just couldn’t deal with talking to her. Didn’t know what to say and how to say it. You love her so much but cannot be with her. You feel you tried, but have failed. There is no hope now. It was your birthday on January 6. Last year she sang you “Happy Birthday” in a funny, sexy Marilyn Munroe voice which you loved. This year…of course, there will be none of that. You instead go for your morning run, then spend the day making dinners for the week ahead for your wife and her kids. You play guitar quietly in your studio. Also this time last year, you and your online love spoke on the phone for the first time and it was mind blowingly amazing. Now this year…she had been begging you to just let her call you to talk, to try and salvage something…but you can’t. You just can’t. You said you would never leave her. And in a way, you never will, but in terms of her expectations of you and your relationship, obviously you have left. __________________________ Any thoughts? Thanks so much, once again, for reading!
Own Worst Enemy Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 And that is, all the cliches are true for a reason. I think he lied to you, her and himself. You can do a billion times better than someone who will need pushing around in a bath chair on Viagra before you're even 40! 2
Author stevie_23 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Hmm. That’s a little harsh, but I see your point. If he did lie though, it was definitely also to himself, not just to me.
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