He broke up with me

[amaysngrace]

You confuse me Tigress. You are a player or at least seem to be and I don't understand that at all.

 

But at the same time seem to want that deep meaningful relationship, like where you thought the last one was headed.

 

And your last ex, the one who was there for you through everything, he seemed like a good guy. Yet he got on your nerves.

 

I guess I don't understand if you truly want that big relationship you were hoping for last time or just think you do.

[tigressA]

You confuse me Tigress. You are a player or at least seem to be and I don't understand that at all.

 

But at the same time seem to want that deep meaningful relationship, like where you thought the last one was headed.

 

And your last ex, the one who was there for you through everything, he seemed like a good guy. Yet he got on your nerves.

 

I guess I don't understand if you truly want that big relationship you were hoping for last time or just think you do.

 

Yeah, I...don't know either.

[Star Gazer]

That's the difference of when a woman is truly into a guy and she isn't. it's that simple.

 

How can you be truly into someone you BARELY know???

 

You and TA have the same problem that you confuse intensity for true intimacy, and you do so willingly, due to your desire to have someone complete you, instead of compliment you.

[Emilia]

due to your desire to have someone complete you, instead of compliment you.

 

That's probably true. That old 'looking for a soul mate' chestnut.

[SOLACEMENT]

I love how being implusive is thrown into the same boat as having passion.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I dunno whats worse.

 

Holding back that great feeling of romantic bliss from possibly finding the one because of suspicion of a red flag, or getting hurt from ignoring the red flag.

 

Okay … there are two separate things going on here. And it doesn't have to be "either / or."

 

The first thing is to TAKE IT EASY. You can still be completely excited and full of butterflies and lust, romantic bliss, etc. But try to take it all one day at a time. Try not to leap immediately to the stage of "I'm in love, I've found 'the one,' I see our future together and I'm investing in that."

 

I actually do believe in love at first sight, but it doesn't preclude the necessity of taking time to get to know a person, a LOT, before really giving in to that belief.

 

Red flags: red flags are a warning. I bet that every one of us who is in a relationship can think of some kind of warnings we received when getting involved with our partners. Sometimes they are more about ourselves than the other. Anyway, they are meant to be heeded, like other warning signals. They are not to be denied, nor to necessarily overshadow all the positives.

 

In the case of the OP and the dating profile situation shared in this thread - I would not classify that as a "red flag." I would classify that as proof that if you consider yourself in an exclusive relationship with a future, you are being mislead, and to turn your back on that is extreme denial.

 

Early days are the information gathering stage. It can co-exist with romantic bliss, as long as you are balanced about it. And that is possible even for a highly passionate and / or emotional person, and for a clinical and pragmatic one, if self discipline is used.

 

Unfortunately, often self discipline is eschewed. It seems like we really want to abandon our resources and throw ourselves to the mercy of another person and to fate without taking care of ourselves. And then to be hurt, and in some cases have a lot of drama.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Mme. Chaucer

[SunsetRed]

I'm sorry Tigress Please give yourself permission and time to heal.

[tigressA]

I'm feeling a lot better today, aside from my stomach killing me. No tears. Some really valuable lessons came out of this ending the way it did, but I'm still chewing myself out for not ending it when I discovered I was being lied to. I feel like such an idiot. The denial was extremely strong with this one. It's not a virtue to continue on in something when the evidence is right in front of your face that you're being misled just because you care and you hope that it'll work itself out--it's just stupid.

 

For a second I thought that he doesn't have any respect for me at all because I let him get away with that and end things on his own terms, and I was kind of bummed about it. But then I remembered that he lied to me, so why should I care if someone like him respects me or not?

[Treasa]

You're learning from this and you're already healing very well.

 

Oh, btw, I always thought you were better looking than him. I am NOT saying looks matter (LOL OMG, like I need all my past posts called into question now), but you were definitely the more smoking one. He was too...pretty...for me.

[tigressA]

You're learning from this and you're already healing very well.

 

Oh, btw, I always thought you were better looking than him. I am NOT saying looks matter (LOL OMG, like I need all my past posts called into question now), but you were definitely the more smoking one. He was too...pretty...for me.

 

Thanks, that's really nice to read. I appreciate it. You're not the only one who thought that.

 

I'm going through the weird back and forth--I've realized it's over but I'm starting to go through the realization of the permanence of it, you know? Like we'll both be meeting other people, he'll find someone he likes better, etc...and yeah, I don't feel good about any of that. I admit it. Some part of me still wants him, and more so, wants him to care for me like I cared for him.

 

But then I keep remembering: He lied to me. I say it in my head, sometimes I say it out loud. And that helps to gradually erase all the above.

[Treasa]

Like we'll both be meeting other people, he'll find someone he likes better, etc.

 

Yeah, and chances are he'll do to her what he did to you. So it's not a matter of being better.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I But then I remembered that he lied to me, so why should I care if someone like him respects me or not?

 

Right. And … I know that the unfortunate incident involving undergarments is not to be mentioned now, but I have to say that given this new bit of information, your concern and reactions over that are much easier for me to understand. A whole new light.

[tigressA]

It's fine, Pantygate can be reopened

 

Did you see the post about my sock?? He might be doomed to be in a never-ending cycle of new girls finding old girls' dirty laundry

 

And you're exactly right, Treasa. It isn't a matter of being better. Especially because unlike how I recounted my past mistakes--he doesn't think he did anything wrong at all. I'm able to recognize when I've done wrong, when I've been dumb, etc, and admit to it. I'm able to face criticism of my actions.

 

He did his damn best to make me think it wasn't his fault, nothing was his fault, he was unaware and I was punishing him because of how I was treated in the past. With that mindset, he will never learn and he will repeat this pattern with everyone he meets and then wonder why he's having such trouble. I feel sorry for whoever is next.

[tigressA]

When we were discussing the OKC incident, I remember I had said something that he had misinterpreted.

 

I was explaining the reasons why, in my experience, I would see something like what I saw with regard to his profile and he wrongly assumed I was insulting him, so he came back with saying that I was a downgrade from his two previous girlfriends. I can't recall what he said to explain why, and when I got to talk again and say he misinterpreted me, he did apologize. But I never forgot that.

 

And with Pantygate, when we were discussing that--he wanted an explanation from me before he declared it a dead issue, but he was demanding it. He was being very curt, very brusque, and I think he knew (he knew me fairly well; I revealed a lot to him) that that would trip me up and I wouldn't be able to or willing to produce one with how he was prodding me, thus giving him an automatic out.

Edited January 10, 2013 by tigressA

[stillafool]

 

I was explaining the reasons why, in my experience, I would see something like what I saw with regard to his profile and he wrongly assumed I was insulting him, so he came back with saying that I was a downgrade from his two previous girlfriends. I can't recall what he said to explain why, and when I got to talk again and say he misinterpreted me, he did apologize. But I never forgot that.

 

 

Okay well to hell with him! That even makes me angry. If he can say something this callous so soon what will he say later. I'm surprised you didn't punish him for that comment.

[meeji]

I know how crappy it feels to have to force yourself to let go of your hopes and dreams for the future with someone. I am going through that now with my ex. We were in an LdR also and. Our breakup was also kind of powered by the concept of "longterm investments," in the relationship.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you and i know it is hard to swallow. I can't makke u feel better now but i know that when i look back to all of my past relationships, i can see clearly why it didnt work out. When you are wrapped up in it, these things are hard to see. Give it some time and maybe your feelings will change about him.

 

Was he longterm dating material? Do you really want to be with someone that you can't be sure is in it for the long haul with your best interests in mind? I certainly didn't and when my ex kept saying he was confused about everything at that point i needed to stop trusting his blind judgement and start thinking for myself and act accordingly. This guy was nice enough to be honest about his feelings rather than lead you on and he sat on it for a couple of days so you know it wasnt a rash decision.

 

 

Maybe you should talk to him and hear what he has to say. If he cried like that to let you go maybe he will realize what he's lost.

 

Another poster mentioned your previous post that i have not read but i have to ask if part of yyour longing for him has to do with the fact he rejected you? If you didnt want a longterm thing, what were you expecting?

[D-Lish]

 

...he wrongly assumed I was insulting him, so he came back with saying that I was a downgrade from his two previous girlfriends

 

Wow...Just wow. Considering you didn't know him for that long, and people are usually on their best behaviour in the first few months, imagine what this glimpse into his character reveals about what he would have been like further down the road.

[xxoo]

Wow...Just wow. Considering you didn't know him for that long, and people are usually on their best behaviour in the first few months, imagine what this glimpse into his character reveals about what he would have been like further down the road.

 

 

I agree. That kind of below-the-belt nastiness has no place in any relationship. When it comes up after years of simmering resentments it is one thing to deal with, but in the very beginning? Exit, stage left!

[melodymatters]

It certainly isn't my place to speak for Tigressa, but my interpretation of her comments are simply : she doesn't want to get MARRIED or have CHILDREN.

 

That does not make her a player or someone who doesn't want a long term, serious loving partnership.

[tigressA]

It certainly isn't my place to speak for Tigressa, but my interpretation of her comments are simply : she doesn't want to get MARRIED or have CHILDREN.

 

That does not make her a player or someone who doesn't want a long term, serious loving partnership.

 

Thanks MM, but the others do have a point--I can and have come off confused as to what I really want out of dating. Short-term flings or long-term love, with or without marriage.

 

I did post a thread not too long ago questioning my capability to maintain a long-term commitment, and I tended to agree with the more optimistic ones who said that I just haven't found the right person yet. I thought I had with this one, and I was really happy. I wanted it to work out, to last.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I'm sorry but this guy sounds like a total doucher. You're better off without him.

[tigressA]

I'm sorry but this guy sounds like a total doucher. You're better off without him.

 

Thanks, IB. Much appreciated.

[Anela]

Wow, you are well rid of him. I've experienced the denial being so strong with someone, and I should have been smarter, but I won't get into that. Here's to a better guy coming along for you.

[tigressA]

I talked to another friend of mine earlier tonight--the one I should've talked to when the lie cropped up--and she was appalled at the fact that I allowed the relationship to continue from that point. She gave me some rather tough love, telling me I'm so much better than that, and it's not like I have a low view of myself, so how could I allow him to lie to me and then insult me with such a low blow? She said the level of denial I displayed was mindblowing to her; it scared her. From the picture she has of me, from knowing me over the years, she just couldn't fathom me having denied so much.

 

She thinks I was in an especially fragile place since it was less than a month after the abortion. I think she's right about that. I convinced myself I was over it and that was that. But I still think about it sometimes. I still harbor some guilt.

[Star Gazer]

Thanks MM, but the others do have a point--I can and have come off confused as to what I really want out of dating. Short-term flings or long-term love, with or without marriage.

 

I did post a thread not too long ago questioning my capability to maintain a long-term commitment, and I tended to agree with the more optimistic ones who said that I just haven't found the right person yet. I thought I had with this one, and I was really happy. I wanted it to work out, to last.

 

It is true that you seem conflicted about commitment, but you're also rushing in and choosing partners who clearly aren't suited for a long term relationship.

 

Commitment phobia doesn't just come in the form of not wanting a relationship, but also purposefully choosing people who you know, intuitively, won't work out. If that can't ever get *that* close, they can never hurt you.

 

Your reaction to all of this is quite telling, isn't it? You were in love within 9 days, and as soon as he broke up with you, you went from devastated and crushed to dancing around your room and being at peace, all within 24 hours.

 

I would consider looking at your own conflicts with commitment, with a professional. Honestly.