If NC was started on d-day

[wanting more]

And then months later AP contacted you, would you talk to them? I can't imagine I would as our A ended abruptly and bad. And he threw me under the bus and blamed me. He chose his BW and left me without a word. There is NOTHING he could ever say to me to make me not hate him now. I wouldn't ever speak to him again. Would you in this situation?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

When it comes down to it, I guess it's all about self-respect and knowing you're worth more.

 

I was weak. Mine didn't really throw me under the bus, but he did just stop talking to me for a few weeks and it made me sick. I hated him. And slowly but surely, he worked his way back in. Because, I was weak.

 

It's not so much about realizing they're not worth it-- it's realizing that you are.

[stevie_23]

So what actually happened, specifically?

 

My online “husband” has had many D-Days during our almost 2 years together. The first one was quite early on and nothing much happened as he convinced her I was gay (which I thought I was at that stage), just an online friend, etc. Things settled down, we didn’t skip a beat with our contact levels.

 

The second time was worse…she noticed he’d been sending 300 texts to one phone number and she took his phone and laptop away for 2 days. We still had contact as he had his own office at their company and could be together there, but it was a bit scary for me. He said he’d never leave me and things would settle down soon. He told her he needed his phone and laptop for work, and that she could have access to his passwords for various discussion forum accounts to make sure she knew we weren’t communicating (although obviously we were through emails). We lost contact via texting for a few weeks, which sucked, but then he got a secret phone she didn’t know about and we were back on. He was more careful about when we had contact (when she was asleep or out at work only. Otherwise too risky).

 

The third time was bad. He wasn’t feeling well and forgot to sign out of our email account AND he left his secret phone out instead of putting it back in its hiding place. She found it, read stuff, also found the email account and then deleted it and threw the phone away.

 

There was no further discussion between them and she emailed me and told me I’d never hear from them again. What a horrible day that was. He DID contact me 2 hours after it happened to tell me what was going on. I expected him to continue to talk to me through that secure method whenever she next went to work, but he didn’t. For 2 weeks. It was so hard. He was still on a discussion forum we were both members of (where we first met) and we kind of made slightly cryptic comments of love through the public board there, as well as writing each other songs and posting them on the forum (it was a songwriting forum). Finally, he came back properly and got a new email account, and then a few weeks later, another secret phone.

 

Now…a month ago, it happened for the fourth time, and this time it’s ended us. He’s had enough. He told me he’d never leave me and if his wife did find out again, we wouldn’t be over, but apparently that’s changed now. His wife this time found his bank records and saw monthly payments to his secret phone company. He couldn’t deny it and threw the phone away. The end.

[fooled2manyX]

I am going through this very thing right now. I have not heard from him since their D-Day. However, in out case, he knew she knew, as he was still seeing me. He knew it was coming, because she text me & I told him it was coming.

 

Of course, we talked about possibilities & what was to come. I asked him "Do you want to work on your marriage?" Answer? No.

 

I think he thought she was going to kick him out. He expressed to me a number of times that while she was a good wife & the marriage wasn't bad per say, he mostly struggled with the idea of leaving his kids. I knew he loved his wife. But he expressed he had to do this, because he was "in love" with me and his feelings towards me hadn't went away over years. In the end of course, we didn't handle it the proper way and knew it. That being... going seperate ways until he was divorced. She found out first.

 

So, he knew she knew. He still saw me, as (from what he said) she had yet to confront him. It seemed from her text to me, that she was waiting to see if he fessed up first. The cool as a cucumber approach? (of course, being a woman, I don't see it. I can't imagine going days/weeks without the confrontation).

 

But, when he & I last saw eachother, everything with us seemed well. He was leaving & told me he didn't want to go. We both said we loved eachother and hoped it wouldn't be too many days before we saw one another again.

 

That was 6 weeks ago. Not a word since. Nothing. Not an email, card, letter, text... nada. He vanished from me.

 

As I wrote in my own thread... do I get it? Well, of course I get that he stayed. Afterall, reality is very different from how we envision things to be. Even though he said he wanted many things with me & told me he hoped I knew they would happen... I had to come to accept that he wanted his family intact more. I know I was wrong for the affair. I can only take care of my side of the street.

 

Apparently though, from public pictures, they are very happy. Which kills me and I won't look any longer. Did "I" make their marriage better? People say it's been known to happen... and honestly, that's what kills me most. Because right or wrong... my heart feels this. Terribly. I don't sleep, I loose weight, etc.

 

Many in these forums feel that I knew what I was getting into. Well, I knew what I was doing was wrong. But, I don't take responsibility in what I was led to believe. It was he who is married and sold me those goods. I am only regretful of how I handled it. Not sending him off to divorce first if I was what he wanted. I can't apologize for my feelings for him.

 

Now.. for me, the jury is still out on this: Did he vanish ONLY because he was instructed not to have ANY contact right away from D-Day? OR did he vanish because telling me we're not going to marry one day (like he said he wanted) make our own baby (like he said he wanted) and make our own memories (like he said he wanted) was now not going to happen and how could he face me? Meaning, did he not say anything, because how do you tell someone that all of the life experiences you wanted to share with them, are now not going to be?

 

Maybe it's both. I'm sure it's both. I don't know. But the great debate around here is, if NC is set ON D-Day..... does that mean you don't even tell the OW it's done? It seems that the reception I have gotten is "yes". (from many anyway) that I shouldn't even get "I'm sorry. I am ending this. I will not talk to you again. Goodbye." ... I beg to differ.

 

While I miss his terribly & still want all he said he wanted with me, I have had to accept he wants to be with his wife. Even if he told me otherwise.

 

Does it make him a liar. Hmmm. Yes & No. Yes, because I suppose on one hand if he meant all he said, then no matter how difficult, he would be with me. But No in that, I can picture him in front of his kids who may have seen tension, the possibility that daddy might leave with tears in their eyes. THEN, I don't think he lied to me. I think he just came to the realization he knew deep down. He doesn't want to be without those kids in any capacity.

 

Will he return to say something???????????? Anyone??? Your guess is as good as mine.

 

But the thread you posted above... would I accept it if he did. Hmmmm. Well, I know I want him to. But, I know I have to stop wanting it THIS much, because it is holding me hostage. (See? That is why I needed a NC letter or goodbye of some sort from him.) I am a hostage to this. Someone leaves and they tell you to wait. They will see you soon. And then ....crickets. Even if you know you shouldn't be waiting... you are.

 

Yes, I want him to say something. But, if/when that day comes, it will not be a jump into his arms. Not after this.

 

First, it would be "You lied." Then it would be, "Your choice was your own. I did afterall tell you to do what would make you happy. But you left me here without word. No goodbye. How could anything you said have been real when you could leave me here like that???" And finally.... if he were to have any explanation... the last question would be "Are your divorce papers signed?"

 

If not, the door would close. You see, people think as a OW, that I don't have remorse. I have lots. I had at times, even apologized to him, said I was sorry for this, even though he was the one cheating. I hated the way this was and how I handled it. But I loved the man I have known since I was a kid. It's a love that never went away. We simply went in different directions for awhile and met other people. But, I am sorry. I am sorry everyday.

 

Honestly, I can't even wrap my brain around what I would do if he came back right now, because I am not sure he EVER will.

 

That kills me more than anything. I would take "It's over" before I would take wondering if it's not - anyday.

[loredo21]

Gosh, it kills me how similar all of our stories sound...We were a part of a script ladies. We weren't the lead roll. We were the co-stars. Hell, maybe even stand-ins. It is so sad to see us turned to this by something that so simply could have been avoided.

I don't know what I would do if he ever broke NC. I have a nice reply written and waiting for him. But to sum it up "You turned your back on me. eff off"....or something along those lines. I don't think I can choke down any more bulls***.

[wanting more]

I do understand what you're saying,* The subject of "closure" is not black and white.* I now accept that my xMM lied to me.* All the I love you's,* I want you in my life,* were lies.* That's a very tough thing to accept but it is what it is.*

*

When our 2nd d-day happened, I never once thought, this is it.* We talked a couple times the week of d-day,* never once did he say this is it.* I couldn't even fathom the idea he would just disappear from my life.*

*

I kept thinking one day soon,* he'll call me,* he has to miss me,* he loves me, we had a relationship for 3-1/2 years, he'll call.* The days turned into weeks, then into months.* When I first started on this board one of my main concerns was I needed closure,* how could I get thru this without closure.*

*

As time passed I realized him not contacting me was my closure.*

*

At this point,* there isn't anything I want or need to hear from him.* Would it have been better if I had gotten a NC letter from him, (I certainly got one*from his BW),* would it have been better if he'd contacted me and said he couldn't see me anymore,* for whatever his reasons are,* Today, it doesn't matter.*

*

Him not saying anything, in reality said more than a letter or his voice ever could have.* I've gotten on knowing that he threw me away like last weeks trash, and that says all*I need to know about him.***I've picked myself up and moved on, and I do believe I'm a stronger person for it.* Of course he still comes in my thoughts every now and then,* but its getting easier to push those "good" thoughts away, and think of the bad times,* how i felt those first couple months after d-day.*

*

*

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

So the A continued?

 

your symptoms sounds all to familiar and its when we are the most weak (addiction open) to pacify the grief we are feeling (this is real).

 

yes, it did. and i've been in it longer than i can even understand myself at this point. like.. 14 months. but we're on the downside of the rollercoaster at this point. haven't 'seen' each other (other than at work) since the week before Christmas. I was doing like unspoken NC and maybe so was he (well, he said he was very busy. heh.) But then we spoke for the first time yesterday. and he was very cold. and I just, had made so so much progress. I'm not back at square one or anything, but I definitely stepped back. But, tomorrow I will wake up and try to start again right.