ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) Hello all. Hopefully, everyone is doing well. I haven't posted on here recently, so for the usuals, hope the new year is treating you well. 100th post for me (this means I need to get out more lol) Before I start, I want to thank LS for being there for me. You will NEVER understand how much this website has helped me though what is the toughest part of my life. I lost my only love, my job, my apartment, and most of my friends in a matter of weeks and has easily been the worst months of my life. THIS site alone has helped the healing process and for every member, tenured or noobs, I thank you SO SO much! I WAS getting a tad better in my situation (EX 21 year old broke up with me three months ago. I'm 26... said she loved me and needed time yada yada. Had HUGE issues growing up with rape and mild gender confusion/bi curious feelings which I knew so she went to therapy for 8 weeks ....turns out she "lost feelings" for me during that time and wanted to be single. Said I didnt appreciate anything she did or show enough affection which was a lie.. Week later, says she likes someone else but its weird and not a relationship. Found out dude has a GF already. Says she doesn't want a relationship with us anymore and that she likes other guys now.) Now, I feel like I'm going backwards. This is where LS comes into play This time of the year blows hard for me (as most is) because there are so many of our memories in here (Christmas, New Years, her birthday , my birthday, our anniversary). Everyone of these holidays don't feel jubilant, they just feel like another reminder that I'm not with her. Now, since the BU, I've done a terrible job of NC and I know fully well it what needs to be done. After she broke the news that she liked someone else, I went NC for a month, just to not only eat a breadcrumb she threw, but kept convos happening which just keeps opening old wounds. I tried my best to reconcile to no avail. She said "She doesnt want that" and "you changed" and that she likes about 4 other guys now, but 1 person mainly She said she hopes it works with this guy, but she knows it wont.....I was her very first actual BF (had a bi-sexual online partner for 3 years in HS. Never judged...) and things were different for me at first, but she opened up to me and things were good. In fact, she was a little too invested with me....VERY co-dependent on me. Didn't want to hang out with anyone BUT me. NOW doesn't want anything to do with me lol. That was one of the reasons she said she needed therapy because "She relied on me too much" She said she was unhappy sometimes when with me but she is usually an unhappy person so I dont know if it was actually ME she was unhappy with, or just herself. I always thought she had depression since she had incredibly low self esteem, not a whole lot of parential figures growing up, not a whole lot of male suitors, etc etc etc. When we first started dating, she wrote notes about how she would NEVER leave and how NO ONE showed this much attention to her...now that she has confidence in herself after therapy and got her braces off, lost a bunch of weight, etc.... guys are showing attention when she goes to the bars. Its crap the way she treated me during this whole ordeal and the way she did things, but I do understand the whole "wanting to go out and find out whats out there" type stuff.....its just I'm the collateral and its not fair. Here is what is weird to me though....... So, again, I shouldn't keep convos open with her, but I am. I've told her I do NOT want to be friends with her. Here is the thing though: When I do actually talk to her, she still sounds very unhappy. After the therapy, she went on this whole "I'm strong and empowered" kick which was a nice change of pace, but has since gone to the dumps. I ask her how she is doing and she goes "fine" or "Im just here I guess." My last text almost 5 days ago I said "I don't know, you just don't sound happy, even close to sad." She didn't respond to that and hasn't since. As a creep, I look at her facebook sometimes and she keeps deactivating and reactivating her account lol. She really isnt as crazy as I am making her out to be I swear. She does have a level head and gets great grades and is devoted to her profession. She left me because her feelings changed and she wasnt happy....now she is chasing someone and flirting a lot and still doesn't seem happy. I started dating again to try and get over her...and JUST started actually seeing this new girl. She is nice, but its not fair to this new girl. I told my ex that I was dating she said that's good and I told her I couldn't keep holding on to her and she goes good and short answers or whatever. I told her I hope she was happy and she goes "im fine." It's my birthday today....and the only think that matters to me is her. It's simple: She doesn't want to be with me so anything else doesn't matter. I'm trying REALLY hard to get that through my thick skull and since I'm still writing on this site, I haven't got it though yet. It's just confusing to me. She left a great relationship/person that cares about her to go to this confusing/weird/not sure type life. She seems like the type who wants attention ALL the time from to validate her own self worth and I was working a bunch the last two months of the relationship so she took that as I dont care anymore, when in reality, I was just really stressed. I've done everything to try and get things back on track, but nothing works. She is still showing depressing signs and what not and isnt happy as I think she thought she might be? Even when I told her I was seeing someone else, you would think she would try and overcompensate and say how happy she was....I dont know. She seemed really happy when with me and sad at the end and even after her 8 weeks of therapy...I can tell her difference in her self confidence but she still seems odd....I just want her back and she doesnt want it obviously..... Edited January 8, 2013 by ConfusedHumanBeing
redleader Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Sorry to hear it man, I went through something similar when my ex helped me warp my mind so badly I lost my job, my home, and myself and then transposed to a whole new state to start over. I am only just now getting over it emotionally and opening back up again. Now, the hard truth: this chick is a bag of cats. You don't need her and this kind of childish bs around you. She is 21 and has no idea who she is, and that isn't going to change for you. If she wants other men then let her go, or you will just keep reopening the wound until your mind is gangrene. So far you described a person who: has intimacy issues, low self-esteem, depressed, neurotic, makes poor decisions, has no idea what she wants, is unhappy, co-dependent, must validate herself with the attention of men because she is nothing else...what do you see in her exactly? Sounds like a lot of baggage handling to me. Unless you work for an airport this is not your responsibility. You strike me to be much like I used to be before I realized it: you are a fixer of broken things. You hope you can make her happy, help her fix her hideous problems. But guess what, it is 100% naive to think you can change anyone, or that you can "fix" a person. She is who she is at this point in her life, it is you that is living in a fantasy world where you get to be her hero forever after. You are also validating yourself with fixing her, so unless you do that, you can't feel good yourself. I could be wrong here friend, and I am sorry if I am grossly missing this. Given the level of obsession in this post, I don't think I am far off though. Do not IM, do not stalk her Facebook (delete your own account if you have to, I did and it was the best thing I have ever done), cut all contact, change your phone number and email address. Time to move on. You might not realize that you are in fact cyber stalking her and it is unhealthy for her and for you. Let it go, make a new memory for your B-Day and other holidays with someone else. And that never does get any easier going through relationships. Summer is harder for me as June is when my entire life went down the tube. Now it is sort of an anniversary for me of the day I got to start my life over again and think back to that time and how entirely stupid I was. Go find a nice distraction, talk to some girls at the bar, anything but obsess over her tonight. And, happy b-day despite all this
Author ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Sorry to hear it man, I went through something similar when my ex helped me warp my mind so badly I lost my job, my home, and myself and then transposed to a whole new state to start over. I am only just now getting over it emotionally and opening back up again. Now, the hard truth: this chick is a bag of cats. You don't need her and this kind of childish bs around you. She is 21 and has no idea who she is, and that isn't going to change for you. If she wants other men then let her go, or you will just keep reopening the wound until your mind is gangrene. So far you described a person who: has intimacy issues, low self-esteem, depressed, neurotic, makes poor decisions, has no idea what she wants, is unhappy, co-dependent, must validate herself with the attention of men because she is nothing else...what do you see in her exactly? Sounds like a lot of baggage handling to me. Unless you work for an airport this is not your responsibility. You strike me to be much like I used to be before I realized it: you are a fixer of broken things. You hope you can make her happy, help her fix her hideous problems. But guess what, it is 100% naive to think you can change anyone, or that you can "fix" a person. She is who she is at this point in her life, it is you that is living in a fantasy world where you get to be her hero forever after. You are also validating yourself with fixing her, so unless you do that, you can't feel good yourself. I could be wrong here friend, and I am sorry if I am grossly missing this. Given the level of obsession in this post, I don't think I am far off though. Do not IM, do not stalk her Facebook (delete your own account if you have to, I did and it was the best thing I have ever done), cut all contact, change your phone number and email address. Time to move on. You might not realize that you are in fact cyber stalking her and it is unhealthy for her and for you. Let it go, make a new memory for your B-Day and other holidays with someone else. And that never does get any easier going through relationships. Summer is harder for me as June is when my entire life went down the tube. Now it is sort of an anniversary for me of the day I got to start my life over again and think back to that time and how entirely stupid I was. Go find a nice distraction, talk to some girls at the bar, anything but obsess over her tonight. And, happy b-day despite all this Hey Red. Thanks for the reply and the B-Day shoutout. 27 years old already...damn where did time go??? lol anyways....I do agree with what you are saying. Almost to a tee actually so no harm in feeling like you've stepped out of bounds. The thing is though I NEVER wanted to change her. She has had SO much red flags that the basic individual would be incredibly skeptic to try. Her friend told me that she was fragile before we entered into the relationship and honestly, I was ready for it because I do really care about her. I wanted to give her things that she never had. That was my goal. In every aspect of life and for a long time, she fed off that. She knew I would care about her no matter what happened. If she was a relationship for a couple of months, I would walk without trying, but we were together almost three years and shared some of the most amazing parts of life together and I was dirt a** poor during this time too, and it was amazing to both of us. Oh and trust me, I realize without a shadow of a doubt that I am cyber stalking. I do NOT like myself for doing it and I've tried to take every avenue to stop.... obviously not hard enough I don't know who she is anymore. She texted me on that sunday "I cant wait to see you. Haven't been able to be with you all weekend!" Then monday, needs to go to therapy. I applaud her going to therapy I really really do. Im so proud of her for going and she knew that on day one all the way until she fully broke up. She became much more confident as weeks went on THOUGH she kept crying about how she was afraid I would leave her during this and how much she loved me blah blah...then one day just left. She has some issues that maybe 8 sessions of therapy haven't worked out I dont even know. All I know is I'm left here wondering WTF just happened and obsessing over it is something I would LOVE to stop doing. It's been three months now and all I can think about is her still! Trust me, if you have ever watched the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where they erase memories of the ex girlfriend out of Jim Carrey's mind, I would do that in a heartbeat. I love this girl so much, but she has not shown those feelings. Yes, I agree that the last month of our relationship wasn't fantastic. I was depressed and showed her no attention....one month in my eyes of 2 years and 10 months is not a reason to make it work. She found someone she liked and gave the therapy as an excuse to see if it would work with this person or not...that was always my thing. It's all just so confusing and it doesnt matter what she is doing, who she is doing it with, why she did it....what matters is she is gone and I need to move on. It's just.....I'm having such a hard time doing it.
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