samantha1989 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm new here.. And I could really use some advice! So, I've been dating a fantastic guy for a year or so but when we first started dating, I saw multiple facebook videos and photos of him out with another girl. Right after we decided to be exclusive, I saw photos of them out at bars in very close proximity. I asked him about it after one of my friends saw the photos and asked if we had an 'open relationship.' (Needless to say, I felt awful). He said that she was just an old friend and he's had no romantic interest in her in the past or now. But in the past? There's tons of photos of them attending couples events together and going to dances and dinners. I wish I could say I was comfortable just letting it go, but I've been hurt in the past by an ex who met someone else. What should I do? Get over it?
darkmoon Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm new here.. And I could really use some advice! So, I've been dating a fantastic guy for a year or so but when we first started dating, I saw multiple facebook videos and photos of him out with another girl. Right after we decided to be exclusive, I saw photos of them out at bars in very close proximity. I asked him about it after one of my friends saw the photos and asked if we had an 'open relationship.' (Needless to say, I felt awful). He said that she was just an old friend and he's had no romantic interest in her in the past or now. But in the past? There's tons of photos of them attending couples events together and going to dances and dinners. I wish I could say I was comfortable just letting it go, but I've been hurt in the past by an ex who met someone else. What should I do? Get over it? he should delete the photos
Treasa Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm new here.. And I could really use some advice! So, I've been dating a fantastic guy for a year or so but when we first started dating, I saw multiple facebook videos and photos of him out with another girl. Right after we decided to be exclusive, I saw photos of them out at bars in very close proximity. I asked him about it after one of my friends saw the photos and asked if we had an 'open relationship.' (Needless to say, I felt awful). He said that she was just an old friend and he's had no romantic interest in her in the past or now. But in the past? There's tons of photos of them attending couples events together and going to dances and dinners. I wish I could say I was comfortable just letting it go, but I've been hurt in the past by an ex who met someone else. What should I do? Get over it? If these pictures were from before you became exclusive, then yes, I'd say let it go. Also, no guy should ever have to pay for another guy's mistakes. If you have baggage, it's up to you to let it go and move on. Easier said than done, but it's what I decided to do instead of feeling like a victim every time a guy would hurt me. I eventually realized I was picking the wrong guys, and that was on me, not them. 3
Author samantha1989 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 If these pictures were from before you became exclusive, then yes, I'd say let it go. Also, no guy should ever have to pay for another guy's mistakes. If you have baggage, it's up to you to let it go and move on. Easier said than done, but it's what I decided to do instead of feeling like a victim every time a guy would hurt me. I eventually realized I was picking the wrong guys, and that was on me, not them. SO TRUE! I don't want to make him pay for another guy's mistakes. I would never want to pay for another girl's mistakes. It's just so hard to let it go as we have plans to move in together, and get married. I don't want to be an idiot and miss something.. He has untagged himself from most of the photos.. But it seems like she has it out for me or something. She constantly uploads old photos and retags them. Or even tags him in a coffee cup at starbucks. -___-
Treasa Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 He can turn it off so he can't be tagged in photos unless he's the one doing it. Ignore her. She sounds petty. Unless she really starts doing more than being passive aggressive about him, in which case he'll need to put a clear stop to it, it's her problem, not yours. 1
Author samantha1989 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 He can turn it off so he can't be tagged in photos unless he's the one doing it. Ignore her. She sounds petty. Unless she really starts doing more than being passive aggressive about him, in which case he'll need to put a clear stop to it, it's her problem, not yours. Very sound advice. She is very petty. She once deleted him off Facebook and blocked him for awhile because he untagged himself in a video. And than re-added him. It's just so hard to ignore sometimes! I feel like I need to be a stronger person.
sillyanswer Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 It isn't just your boyfriend's past if he's still getting tagged in photos (even if the photos themselves are old). So, how to ask... like this: "who the bleep is this girl who keeps tagging you and why is she doing it?"
Treasa Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Very sound advice. She is very petty. She once deleted him off Facebook and blocked him for awhile because he untagged himself in a video. And than re-added him. It's just so hard to ignore sometimes! I feel like I need to be a stronger person. You do. She sounds kind of pathetic. I bet he's really happy he has you instead of her.
HitMeNow Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Coming from a GUY who like to have female friends. It is pretty normal. It makes your man feel desirable, feel preselected and enjoy the comfort of another person. And when guys are single it's 100% normal to bring a friend to a formal, since you can't really bring a girl you're dating casually. However most guys who CAN be friends with girls are 100% fool proof. Don't **** where you eat is what comes to mind. Just think about this, they've been friends for this long and nothing has happened. And why should he really delete his pictures? Deny his past?
Author samantha1989 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 It isn't just your boyfriend's past if he's still getting tagged in photos (even if the photos themselves are old). So, how to ask... like this: "who the bleep is this girl who keeps tagging you and why is she doing it?" ^So simple. I love it. It's really difficult for me because I've asked before and the answer was "She's just an old friend." No elaboration on it at all.. You do. She sounds kind of pathetic. I bet he's really happy he has you instead of her. I hope so.. It's difficult because we live a couple of hours away and the crazy green eyed monster in my mind goes "She lives twenty minutes away from him.. You're so far away!"
Author samantha1989 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Coming from a GUY who like to have female friends. It is pretty normal. It makes your man feel desirable, feel preselected and enjoy the comfort of another person. And when guys are single it's 100% normal to bring a friend to a formal, since you can't really bring a girl you're dating casually. However most guys who CAN be friends with girls are 100% fool proof. Don't **** where you eat is what comes to mind. Just think about this, they've been friends for this long and nothing has happened. And why should he really delete his pictures? Deny his past? Delete his photos to appease my craziness? Just kidding... I'm just curious as to what has happened between them and why she's still a part of his life. She 'dated two of his friends' in the past.
HitMeNow Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Delete his photos to appease my craziness? Just kidding... I'm just curious as to what has happened between them and why she's still a part of his life. She 'dated two of his friends' in the past. Ask him. There's nothing bad about talking about the past. I love asking my girl about her past guys and telling her about my past girls. And this is the fun part!! Bringing back old feelings, makes your SO attach those feelings to you!! True Story. Just make sure to have a normal convo with him. Delivery is key. If you meet him up and ask him "Who's that girl? How have you been related to her? Blablabla." Might sound a bit unattractive. If you start talking about friends and who he's close with, you can switch the topic to her, when he brings her up and ask him very confidently, if he has slept with her, or there's been something there. (Just think about the question "What did you have for breakfast". Do the same delivery for the most awkward question and it will sound normal. ).
sillyanswer Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 ^So simple. I love it. It's really difficult for me because I've asked before and the answer was "She's just an old friend." No elaboration on it at all.. I hope so.. It's difficult because we live a couple of hours away and the crazy green eyed monster in my mind goes "She lives twenty minutes away from him.. You're so far away!" So... next time you go to visit him... invite his friends to the bar for a night out. Her too, of course. She's "just a friend" afterall.
Author samantha1989 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 So... next time you go to visit him... invite his friends to the bar for a night out. Her too, of course. She's "just a friend" afterall. Actually that's a pretty good idea! Without saying "So how come I've never met that blonde girl in your life.." hahah Ask him. There's nothing bad about talking about the past. I love asking my girl about her past guys and telling her about my past girls. And this is the fun part!! Bringing back old feelings, makes your SO attach those feelings to you!! True Story. Just make sure to have a normal convo with him. Delivery is key. If you meet him up and ask him "Who's that girl? How have you been related to her? Blablabla." Might sound a bit unattractive. If you start talking about friends and who he's close with, you can switch the topic to her, when he brings her up and ask him very confidently, if he has slept with her, or there's been something there. (Just think about the question "What did you have for breakfast". Do the same delivery for the most awkward question and it will sound normal. ). I don't think he's slept with her as we are each other's only people. It's very difficult to switch the topic to her because he's very reluctant to talk about her. We've discussed her maybe once or twice and it's always been extremely awkward and stilted. Plus, at this point in my life, I don't think I should be this worried about someone else! I don't want to give her free rent in my brain but I am.. and I hate it!
RR1 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 If i were you i would just come straight out and ask. It's important that you feel totally secure and comfortable in your relationship and you can't do that if you have doubts. If he has nothing to hide he will be quite happy to talk to you about it, i most certainly would. I would hate to think my g/f felt insecure about anything and didn't want to ask because she thought i would resent her doing so. When i am with someone i want them to be able to ask anything at all, i have nothing to hide and nor should your b/f. Being secure in a relationship is only possible if you are completely honest and upfront with each other. I think if anything he should want to put your mind at ease, if he starts getting all defensive then that is a bad sign because it would indicate he was hiding something. I would much rather my g/f went through my entire past with a fine tooth coomb rather than have lingering doubts about our relationship. Trust is so important in a relationship but sometimes you have to earn someone's trust. There's many ways you can do that but letting your g/f or b/f completely into your life is one of the most important ones. I'd personally be really happy if my g/f wanted to check my credentials so to speak if that were to make her more secure and trusting in our relationship. I don't think i could ever resent her asking any questions like that because i want her to know that she is the one and only love of my life. Go for it and ask, this is important stuff you are asking and you need to feel that you are his top priority.
Author samantha1989 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 If i were you i would just come straight out and ask. It's important that you feel totally secure and comfortable in your relationship and you can't do that if you have doubts. If he has nothing to hide he will be quite happy to talk to you about it, i most certainly would. I would hate to think my g/f felt insecure about anything and didn't want to ask because she thought i would resent her doing so. When i am with someone i want them to be able to ask anything at all, i have nothing to hide and nor should your b/f. Being secure in a relationship is only possible if you are completely honest and upfront with each other. I think if anything he should want to put your mind at ease, if he starts getting all defensive then that is a bad sign because it would indicate he was hiding something. I would much rather my g/f went through my entire past with a fine tooth coomb rather than have lingering doubts about our relationship. Trust is so important in a relationship but sometimes you have to earn someone's trust. There's many ways you can do that but letting your g/f or b/f completely into your life is one of the most important ones. I'd personally be really happy if my g/f wanted to check my credentials so to speak if that were to make her more secure and trusting in our relationship. I don't think i could ever resent her asking any questions like that because i want her to know that she is the one and only love of my life. Go for it and ask, this is important stuff you are asking and you need to feel that you are his top priority. Wow.. Thank you so much. This really put me at ease. I really do want to be his top priority and as awful as it is, after a year, I still have some doubts. I can't just automatically trust someone completely and utterly. If he was honest and upfront about it, I would feel great about everything. What's a good way to ask?
RR1 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Wow.. Thank you so much. This really put me at ease. I really do want to be his top priority and as awful as it is, after a year, I still have some doubts. I can't just automatically trust someone completely and utterly. If he was honest and upfront about it, I would feel great about everything. What's a good way to ask? Hey ya, sorry for the late response, i have been feeling rubbish and managed to sleep the entire past 24 hours, well till about midnight, hate feeling poorly. How you ask is up to you and him. Personally if it was me i would much rather she came round and just asked in person. The reason i think this is best is because questions always lead to more questions and if he's going to put your mind at ease then he'll need to answer every single question you have ever had, so if one question get's asked that might lead you to ask another and so on, also you can go through his f/b or wahtever you need to and clear every doubt you have. This really shouldn't be too much trouble in my opionion. I would have loved it if my last g/f had done this with me, she always suspected i had been unfaithful to her but nothing could have been further from the truth, she was the best thing that ever happened to me and i would have loved to have sat down with her and answered all her questions. The other advantage of doing it in person is that you can gauge someone's reaction, if they can't look you in the eye when they answer your questions then he is hiding something or is guilty about something. My advice is just be brave and ask, you can't have doubts and if you ask away you'll be so much more happier and secure in your relationship, it's what strong relationships are built, go for it. 1
Keenly Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 A solution that, and I am serious when I say it, people dating should not be facebook friends. It really interferes with the health of the relationship. 1
RR1 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 And good luck and all the best, if he wants to be your b/f then this will not be too much trouble for him. Any relationship is built on honesty. Oh and one last thing, don't hold back, don't go away with any unaswered questions. Mind you once you have done this once then it should get easier to do it again.
Author samantha1989 Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 And good luck and all the best, if he wants to be your b/f then this will not be too much trouble for him. Any relationship is built on honesty. Oh and one last thing, don't hold back, don't go away with any unaswered questions. Mind you once you have done this once then it should get easier to do it again. Thank you sooooo much for your great advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author samantha1989 Posted January 12, 2013 Author Posted January 12, 2013 I hate this, and I hate hearing "oh, I did it once with another guy and didn't like it" or "another guy cheated on me, so I don't trust YOU" FFS..... If any woman says anything like that to me she is gone... right there and then, no f***g about with her... Once a guy hurt you, so all men are ar$eholes.... not the mentality to have... as for the OP... it was in his past, let it go and stop being so insecure. Some girls have baggage. We can't really help that. Everyone has some baggage. I don't feel as if I'm that insecure for wanting to know information while in a serious relationship with someone. If we do get married, I would like to know that I can be comfortable asking him questions
RR1 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hi Samantha, i was just wondering if you asked your b/f the questions you needed to ask? I know sometimes it's difficult to do so because we feel awkward but believe me it is for the best in the long run. I'm sure he loves you very much and would be delighted that you are concerned about this. I personally would never say out loud how many partners i have had intimacy with because too be honest most people would consider it embarassingly low. I have always hated promiscuity, it's never been for me so while i would never advertise how many partners i have had if my g/f asked i would be more than happy to tell her because i figure she would have a right to know that sort of thing. In short i would be so pleased if she asked because it meant that she cared. Also remember that true love conquers everything, even something that you believe may be a big issue probably won't be when you sit down and talk it through. Best of luck, hope all works out for you both. x
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