user6667 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 We were together for 4 years. Lived together for 3. She left me in the last week of october. I was shell shocked. We messed about for some weeks after, untill I told her that this wasnt trying to get past a difficult phase, but that it was a phase of denial. Somebody on this forum called that 'breadcrums', what she did. Very rightly so. Anyway, I didnt mean to break up, I was just calling the situation what it was, but she got angry evenso, and that was the last time we were together. Apart from one very short cup of coffee in town which had us both crying in public. We said our goodbye outside a sort of a macy's. Tragic, thats the only word for it. It was more of a wave goodbye for my part, since a lump occupied my throat. The most beautiful time of my life and we parted outside a g.. d.... conveniance store after a horrid 10 minute coffee in tears. It's truly a crime against humanity. Don't know if I should laugh or cry. Trying to heal atm, which on some days is easyer than others. Some insights would be appreciated! Well, i've been doing the things people do around christmas. Although this time it wasnt fun, and most of the time I was just trying to get through the day. And now the holidays are over, and I gotta get back to work. I've mostly just felt depressed, but sometimes I had some uplifted moments when I felt happy and wanted to meet the whole world and enjoy every day.. Seems kind of sickly no? I'm emotionally rather unstable atm. At work i've almost been in tears several times and had to go wash my face on one occasion. Other times i pretend its the computer that makes my eyes water. My boss gave me some days off before christmas, which i appreciated. It helped but i'm not healed by a long shot. I'm a mess. Things are sometimes very bad indeed. I had a good night on NYE, we had a great time, me and a friend. I could really forget about troubles for a little while, and i enjoyed it inmensly. Some of the enjoyment was drugs/alcohol induced, to be honest. Nevertheless, the first time i felt happy after a while. But the party is long gone now, and I am alone again. I have episodes where suddenly all I can think about is her. I'm trying not to be sad, I'm trying to keep calm and carry on. But sometimes the feelings just slowly come to me and then grab me by the throat. A bit like a panic attack. It gets me on the floor, in tears, in shatters even. I am on my way out, I can tell by nights like NYE. I can really let it go sometimes. Not yet refound my balance though. And being unstable like this sometimes makes it worse too. I just feel downright sad, even though i'm trying to tell myself stuff like 'oh it wasnt meant to be apparently' and other things like that you know 'maybe its for the best', but at the end of the day, all i can say is i am sad nontheless. And I'm sad as hell at that. My heart sunk. I wasnt always perfect. I'm not saying I was a douchebag, I'm just saying perhaps I could have brought more chocolates and flowers. Or listened to her problems more. But then I think nobody is perfect every day, and I did my very best. I am only human. I err. She will however point out my flaws rather than remember the times I did my very very best to make her happy, warm, well fed with good food and tasty fruit, and making her feel loved and cared for with god damn flowers in her hair. I'm not the kind to brag but I tell you, I loved her and i showed it in every way. So I can't see a lesson in it for me, I did my best intensely. The only thing I could learn from this is that loving somebody so intensely and with all your life, can end up hurting. It sounds pretty bad but i love her way more than myself. Thats something I should probably look into. They say love is like barbed wire, as long as it doesnt move you're fine but whenits taken off,it hurts like nothing you've ever known and sometimes you heal quick and scars dont show but believe you me, the barbs went in deep in me. I feel nothing less than shredded, to be honest, at times. Other times I feel like a bit of a skeleton, but still with a firm structure and healing. The hurt and sadness is very very deep, but on the bright side I see signs of improvement every day. For instance today I read somewhere that it's OK to be sad, and not to push it away. I did so, i let it flow over me and i sniffled for a bit. Not sure if it was a therapeutic session, but I feel a bit more OK and a bit strengthened by the notion that I can let that happen, just accept the sadness, let it happen, and let it run its path. And then a bit later it gets better. So now i dont have to push it away always. Better, right? Oh I'm taking baby steps but sure enough they are in the right direction I am sure of that. Things like this give me courage too. My ex was an international student who kept around a bit, working here and being with be. She's visiting home soon, but since we;ve now broken up i'm not sure if she will even come back after that. (We're in NC). When I think about the idea that soon she'll be gone forever, I get such a big old lump in the throat, it feels like somebody is choking me and I can only grasp for air. I can hardly believe it's all really true, and that she will be gone forgood. It makes me panic. I'm going to try to get a friend be over on that day, when she flies away, and look after me because I am afraid so very very much. So anyway. Coping. You're welcome for the novel. TL;DR anybody? I don't blame ya.
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