promises Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Hopefully, this MM's wife will start to put the pieces together and see her husband is no victim. Doubtful. But, I suppose I should give her the benefit of the doubt.
Author loredo21 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 She's no more in denial and in a fog than you are. Believing he would "lose it all" because everything was under her name. Believing that he's settling by staying with his wife. Believing that his wife has some magic powers that keep him from contacting you. Believing it would be a good idea to get involved with your married boss. Believing he was going to save you from a crappy marriage. Well A. I never said I WASN'T in denial. I most certainly was/am. You seem to always jump to these conclusions like it is all so black and white. IT IS NOT! Why the bitterness? I see all of your responses as bitter and condescending and I think you are really sad. Are you a BS? I would love to know that...I would love to know where you get all of your definitive experience and advice from? -There has never been a wife to threaten her husband to take everything away from him? OF COURSE there has been. -There ARE unhappy marriage and I have talked to so many men recently about how they are fine just being content. that is settling! And I guarantee you the majority of men who are unhappy enough to cheat in their marriage ARE settling for whatever reason. -A BS can do a lot actually. Given that she was a controlling manipulative shrew I am SURE she covered all her basis as so he could not contact me. But i firmly believe if he wanted to he could find a way. She scares the **** out of him. hmmm kinda like you. -I did NOT believe it was a good idea to get involved with my married boss. Who would ever believe it was a good idea? contrary to your believe about the OW, sometimes things just get out of control. It was never considered a "good idea" -I don't need saving sweetie. I can save myself. I was looking for companionship and i found it. and i'm SORRY it was with someone else's husband. But that's the way it happened and I can't take it back. You seem like nothing more than a cynical bitter woman who has enough time to check and recheck everyone's posts on here to point out how absolutely stupid they are because of your own lack of self-esteem. 1
promises Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 -A BS can do a lot actually. Given that she was a controlling manipulative shrew I am SURE she covered all her basis as so he could not contact me. But i firmly believe if he wanted to he could find a way. She scares the **** out of him. Same here with the xMM's W. I think it's funny how if a man is controlling and manipulates a spouse it's abuse, but if the woman does it, it's accepted. 1
promises Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I think the moral of the story is - (at least for me) - never ever ever engage in dialog beyond topical friendship with an unavailable man. And pray like mad that you never ever ever marry a d-bag like these guys. 4
promises Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 You are so right - boundaries get very slippery. Have you ever read Not Just Friends (author Shirley Glass)? This book should be required reading in order to get a marriage license. No, but I will check it out. At the moment "marriage license" is a funny term.. almost laughable to me. Beep-beep, here's my ring, here's my license, here's my ring missing off of my finger, here's my enormous ego piece layered with load of crap. Coming thru! 1
Author loredo21 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I, along with everyone else, told you in your other thread: He is EXACTLY where he wants to be. And it IS black and white. MM and MOW have an affair. Wife finds out. MM throws MOW under the bus. OW thinks the wife suddenly has evil magic powers over MM. Your story is not unique. Your ego being bruised isn't either. In any case, what have you done to make sure xMM or the wife don't contact you? I have blocked them on all fronts and they have blocked me on all fronts. BUT We have many mutual friends and live 3 minutes away from one another. my daughter will also be attending the school his BS teaches at in a 2 years. the likelihood that we will run into eachother is so stinking high.
promises Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I have blocked them on all fronts and they have blocked me on all fronts. BUT We have many mutual friends and live 3 minutes away from one another. my daughter will also be attending the school his BS teaches at in a 2 years. the likelihood that we will run into eachother is so stinking high. worry about what you can control right now. You've blocked her, good. If she comes after you again, I'd go as far as letting the xMM know that you'll forward all correspondence to her from him if she messes with you one more time. I bet it stops. Worry about your kids school later. A lot could happen in the coming years. Focus on healing. I've been doing this for a few months. It's been hell. But, it's finally getting more tolerable. End of the day- he is not with you and guess what- GOOD! He's back with his W who he may or may not cheat on again. I don't know about you, but, I look forward to the day a man can love me freely- and I can back. How amazing will that feeling be. No secrets, no B-Sh*t. No crazy BS after you. No drama. Stay strong- this is the hardest part right now. Guard your heart and your family. 2
Author loredo21 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Well, that's going to be challenging to say the least. Loredo - you probably won't appreciate what I'm about to say now, but hopefully you will someday soon. xMM throwing you under the bus was a blessing in disguise for you. And be thankful this man is not your husband. I actually appreciate it and believe it 100%. Though I am hurt and I miss him, I think everything is working out just the way it is supposed to.
movingon45 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 You are so right - boundaries get very slippery. Have you ever read Not Just Friends (author Shirley Glass)? This book should be required reading in order to get a marriage license. Yes, I have read that book!
Washingmachine1980 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 None of my married men ever contacted me after NC except one to tell me he was sorry because he was afraid I was going to out him. I have spoken to him online several time since but, he had no idea that it was me. I did that because I wanted answers, which I got. I was glad to finally have the full story even if I had to pretend to be someone else to get it.
wisernow Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 None of my married men ever contacted me after NC except one to tell me he was sorry because he was afraid I was going to out him. I have spoken to him online several time since but, he had no idea that it was me. I did that because I wanted answers, which I got. I was glad to finally have the full story even if I had to pretend to be someone else to get it. Whoa. "None of my married men"? Implies, many, or at least more than one. How's that working for you?
wisernow Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) Are you sure? My brother in law says that no, she didn't force him, the betrayal of his wife is all on him. But she sure encouraged it. She used positive cues every time he did it and he was (his words) a selfish fool and lapped it up. He DID throw his wife under a bus to the OW…but not to anyone else. The fact he wouldn't do it so as anyone else knew was realy his instinct…that he was not ready to dump his wife. And yes, many MM aren't that honest even in the aftermath. They put "blame" as if the OW forced them. I'm sure that happens. But I wonder if it is overstated by OW and they are really doing more like my brother in law? He would say - yes, its my fault I got into the affair, but she sure wanted it and sought it and encouraged it and fed me interpretations of my wife that made me doubt my marriage… (and my sister has seen emails doing that so he isn't making that up). What is the truth then? He told the OW what she wanted to hear so that she told him what he wanted to hear. A mutual ego-fest. He "meant it" in the context of the affair.. I mean who wouldn't feel good about a person who was making them feel they were the world's best and oh so sensitive and tortured and misunderstood? (I'm talking about the OW in his case and she did those things). So yeah, he told her he loved her and he meant it at the time but in the context of what she was saying to him and what he got out of saying it was more and more and more of that. Weak? ABSOLUTELY. But so was she. As for the OW being the only one who is wrong I don't think he thought that, for one. He thought she was wrong and so was he. Difference being he came to his senses and tried to return to being a good honest person again to his wife. For myself, having known him a long time I really genuinely think he was - he stopped - he was a total ass for a year or so - but it WAS out of character, which is precisely why he upset her so much, he was not himself and she didn't know why. If he had been diagnosed with a brain tumor she would have felt horrified but in some way relieved to know why he was acting crazy and mean to her suddenly. I just think that there is a lot of OW being holier than thou and aren't our exMM awful people…well everything he's done they have done even if indirectly. Driving the getaway car to the robbery is a great analogy. One used in baggage reclaim I believe. When exMM break NC I'm sure sometimes it is because they are just serial cheaters or unrepentant cake eaters. But sometimes I think its that they hope for absolution from both sides and of course that can never be. The scorned woman will never give it nor should she. Whatever he does with respect to her will be inadequate so why bother? The word cowardice is bandied around a lot. I don't think my brother in law was a coward to go NC on his exOW who refused to accept he was seriously dumping her. She wanted the emotional debrief. She wanted to know what she'd done wrong…(isn't it obvious enough?). She wanted to know he was staying out of duty. For the children. Something that put her still above the wife. He wasn't going to give her that so there was really nothing to say. She knew he was married and he voted with his feet all through the affair and especially at the end when he faced a whole lot of anger from his wife. I think I'd say he simply called a halt to the madness and said no more. No more explaining. No more analyzing. No more justifying. It was an affair so obviously the OW knew she wasn't in a great position, even if she was in denial about that for a long time and so was he. Unfortunately it took him a while to get to that realization and breaking NC along the way meant she didn't take NC seriously. Still doesn't. That's his fault, but also hers. Not every OW is right in saying that the exMM is a coward for not talking to her. Sometimes its the right thing to do by his wife and the brave thing to do given the OW can go bunny boiler. Sometimes its simply the only rational thing to do (ie there's nothing to say worth saying). Just my opinion. I'll never forgive my brother in law but at least I've made an effort to try to understand him. I hope he is able to prove himself the man he used to be. To all of us. You know, I can agree with you with some of your points. Of course, I was that horrible, OW that roped xMM into an A. Yep he was clueless, was roped in by that much more mature OW, (even though he was older). He couldn't make a decision, nope couldn't tell me no, he was too overwhelmed by my stunning good looks and wicked ways. <insert sarcasm> This is all BS. I understand you are not a part of the triangle, more of the square, yet you come off as very "all knowing" of the aspects of affairs. You somehow "know" what motivated your BIL to start and remain in an affair. And, you ( I can quote you from other threads) give him the pass, blaming the OW. That, my dear, is horseshyte. And you've tried to "understand your BIL,why exactly? Will you give the OW the same level of understanding and consideration? I'm all about compassion for the BS and all those hurt by an A, but geez, get real, and don't lay all the blame on the doorstep of the OW. In other words...It takes two. I hate affairs, do believe they are wrong, hurt innocent's, but also live in the real world, knowing that one person doesn't create the affair. Both sides need to take responsibility. Edited January 11, 2013 by wisernow 5
Lillyfree Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 You misunderstand me. I have never given him a pass and hold him 100% responsible for what I saw him put her through. Where I see an MM on here not taking responsibility I would call him on it. Same for OW. The latter are just more prevalent here. seems a bit odd that you are so invested in your BIL's past cheating, enough to hang around this place every day. i mean, i love my brother and would do everything for him, but would not go to the distance you seem to be. is your only experience through other people's affairs?
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