XKatieX Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I just want to know what is the purpose of the silent treatment initiated by the dumper? Do they do it because they don't care about your feelings? Do they do it because they don't want to say anything to hurt you? Do they do it as a form of punishment and suffering? I know I could never do it to someone, even if I no longer wanted to be with them. I would tell them in the most respectful way possible that I didn't want to be with them anymore, but I wish them all the best, etc. I don't know what hurts more feeling rejected or feeling like I never even existed to him. We were together for 6 years, we were engaged for a short time. It wasn't like I was just some fling that he had. I just thought he might have a little more respect than to just say "I'm done because of the fighting" and dissapear into the mist. I've heard that phrase many times before and in actuality he was not done, he still talked to me. So how was I supposed to know this was really it? 1
Coping Vortex Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I just want to know what is the purpose of the silent treatment initiated by the dumper? Do they do it because they don't care about your feelings? Do they do it because they don't want to say anything to hurt you? Do they do it as a form of punishment and suffering? I know I could never do it to someone, even if I no longer wanted to be with them. I would tell them in the most respectful way possible that I didn't want to be with them anymore, but I wish them all the best, etc. I don't know what hurts more feeling rejected or feeling like I never even existed to him. We were together for 6 years, we were engaged for a short time. It wasn't like I was just some fling that he had. I just thought he might have a little more respect than to just say "I'm done because of the fighting" and dissapear into the mist. I've heard that phrase many times before and in actuality he was not done, he still talked to me. So how was I supposed to know this was really it? It's called No Contact and many people institute to get over a BU. You cut off all contact. Sometimes it is started by the Dumpee or the Dumper. What I find interesting is my ex doesn't know it as staid technique she just did it naturally when ending the relationship. It goes against everything I believe in as I feel you should try to communicate as much as possible to exhaust all avenues before truly ending it. But if the dumper is done than you have no choice. As the dumpee you can use it to get past an ex.
Author XKatieX Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 It's called No Contact and many people institute to get over a BU. You cut off all contact. Sometimes it is started by the Dumpee or the Dumper. What I find interesting is my ex doesn't know it as staid technique she just did it naturally when ending the relationship. It goes against everything I believe in as I feel you should try to communicate as much as possible to exhaust all avenues before truly ending it. But if the dumper is done than you have no choice. As the dumpee you can use it to get past an ex. Hmm. Silent treatment is something completely different in my eyes. NC is when you acknowledge to the other person that the relationship is over, while giving that person closure and THEN cut off contact. With silent treatment sometimes there is no reason or explaination, there is no closure before the contact is cut off. 1
fucpcg Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Silent Treatment is not the same as NC, at all, and there is plenty of reading you can find on it if you Google it. When my ex broke up with me, she pulled the ST card on me, and I think it is the most heartless, callous, and chicken**** behavior you could ever participate in with someone you once claimed to love and/or care about. So if you are going thru it, I get it, and sorry for you. With my ex it's 2 years strong now she's held tough, and it is all a game of power and hurt for her. Go read all you can about it, then move on, because people who act this way are too selfish to ever truly love another person. There were times I went thru hell dealing with this girl and her issues, when she begged me over and over not to give up on her, and I didn't. When she decided SHE wanted to move on, after all I went thru to support her, she threw me in the trash and went ST. Forget about and move on from this person, as quickly as you possibly can.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 (edited) I don't think dumpers do it because somehow they care about you and want to help you move on. I think any NC on their part has to do with THEM and THEIR needs/desires. It's very much a selfish act. 1) Assuming they are REALLY done with you, I think NC on their part is to give you the hint to stay away from them / not stalk them. They don't want to encourage you to keep in touch with them -- but not because it would hinder you from moving on, but because it annoys them. They simply do not want to hear from you. Who knows, they might even have blocked you on their phone, etc. 2) In some cases, the dumper never intended to end the relationship and is just using the break-up as a means of control, and is holding out as long as he can, to see whether or not you will come running after him, begging him to take you back. He probably will take you back, if you contact and beg. But only in the case where he never had the intention to end it, but did it only as a mind-game. My ex did #2 during the first break-up .... he caved in after a week, when he realized I wouldn't contact him... wanted to get back together. He is currently doing #1, I think.... Or maybe a prolonged version of #2..?? I don't know. We've been NC for 18 days now... and no sign of him. Works for me! Good riddance! Edited January 8, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 2
NoMoreJerks Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Silent Treatment is not the same as NC, at all, and there is plenty of reading you can find on it if you Google it. When my ex broke up with me, she pulled the ST card on me, and I think it is the most heartless, callous, and chicken**** behavior you could ever participate in with someone you once claimed to love and/or care about. So if you are going thru it, I get it, and sorry for you. With my ex it's 2 years strong now she's held tough, and it is all a game of power and hurt for her. Go read all you can about it, then move on, because people who act this way are too selfish to ever truly love another person. There were times I went thru hell dealing with this girl and her issues, when she begged me over and over not to give up on her, and I didn't. When she decided SHE wanted to move on, after all I went thru to support her, she threw me in the trash and went ST. Forget about and move on from this person, as quickly as you possibly can. Can you elaborate? How is the "silent treatment" different from NC? I mean, silent treatment is clearly an intentional mind-game, but how do you know whether or not her NC was a mind-game, rather than simply no contact, because she no longer wanted to hear from you? I don't get it.
geegirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Can you elaborate? How is the "silent treatment" different from NC? I mean, silent treatment is clearly an intentional mind-game, but how do you know whether or not her NC was a mind-game, rather than simply no contact, because she no longer wanted to hear from you? I don't get it. I believe it all boils downs to ending a relationship with the capacity to provide empathy to the dumper by way of closure then going NC. NC then allows the person to move forward and heal. As in case, my ex and I, eventhough he cheated, apologized and we then let go and NC was implemented. I have a gf that went out with a guy for a year and one day caught him cheating. She called him to ask him if it was true and he just hung up, never to be heard from again. She desperately tried to get closure. He went silent. She struggled to heal. It's almost as if she was tossed like an old shoe. Similar to Katie and Fucp. situations.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 My ex told me, during his first break-up with me, that it wasn't gonna work between us, gave me closure, and then went NC, but that didn't mean he wasn't playing mind games.. when he saw that I wasn't caving in and contacting him (he was the dumper), he contacted me again and wanted to get back together. So I don't think you can easily tell which one they are doing..
NoMoreJerks Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I don't think silent treatment is the right word for what you are describing. "Disappearing act" might be a better one.. Silent treatment is something done with the intention of manipulating you. It's a form of passive-aggressive behaviour, and the person doing it wants to see your reaction to it. Whereas someone who just disappears on you without giving you closure is, well, just a coward...
geegirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 My ex told me, during his first break-up with me, that it wasn't gonna work between us, gave me closure, and then went NC, but that didn't mean he wasn't playing mind games.. when he saw that I wasn't caving in and contacting him (he was the dumper), he contacted me again and wanted to get back together. So I don't think you can easily tell which one they are doing.. It's not a matter of whether they come back or not, but how they do it. Yes, it is all mind games. They can give you proper closure and come back, that's fine but the silent treatment is when they cut you off like a rotten limb with zero closure.
stevie_23 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I’m becoming more and more surprised as I read posts on this forum about the number of people who treat their ex partners this way. It astounds me. I never thought my ex could EVER do something so cruel and hurtful to me, since in the almost 2 years we were together, he treated me perfectly (pretty much). We had a small fight just over a month ago and he never really talked to me again. I was left feeling as though he’d ended it entirely because of me and because I got angry at him during a 2 minute online chat we had. I tried contacting him in many ways but heard nothing in response. 8 days later, I noticed he’d uploaded a new song he’d written called “Remember”. The first words were “It’s done”. So. That was his way of telling me I guess. I tried contacting him again, shocked and appalled that he’d end it over that fight. He finally emailed me 3 days later saying his wife had found out about us and he just couldn’t live two lives anymore, and he was sorry. So. WHY did he not TELL me this? It’s disgusting.
geegirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I don't think silent treatment is the right word for what you are describing. "Disappearing act" might be a better one.. Silent treatment is something done with the intention of manipulating you. It's a form of passive-aggressive behaviour, and the person doing it wants to see your reaction to it. Whereas someone who just disappears on you without giving you closure is, well, just a coward... It's not so much cowardice I think but if someone can cut you off that way with little to zero compassion, it speaks of who there are and there is manipulation in the mix that is self-serving. 1
na49 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 It's not so much cowardice I think but if someone can cut you off that way with little to zero compassion, it speaks of who there are and there is manipulation in the mix that is self-serving. Can't this be seen as the case for both people? If both of us aren't bothering with each other, they both can say "well the other person doesn't care. they aren't reaching out to me" What is the difference? I've been NC for 2 months. I never told my ex that I would be doing it. but have ignored her when she texted me and eventually did tell her to please leave me alone. Could I be seen as "not caring"? I think if anything, she's the one who doesn't care. Not that she has to anymore, but I always wondered about this. 1
stevie_23 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 It’s a little different when one party IS reaching out but the other one ignores them completely. Before I realised what had happened with my ex, I sent him a heap of emails, I sent him a heap of texts, I left him several voicemail messages. No response. He hadn’t checked that email account and didn’t ever intend to again. He had thrown away his phone. I then sent him messages through his account on a songwriting discussion forum. He either deleted them without reading them or he read them and then disregarded my words completely.
stevie_23 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Can't this be seen as the case for both people? If both of us aren't bothering with each other, they both can say "well the other person doesn't care. they aren't reaching out to me" What is the difference? I've been NC for 2 months. I never told my ex that I would be doing it. but have ignored her when she texted me and eventually did tell her to please leave me alone. Could I be seen as "not caring"? I think if anything, she's the one who doesn't care. Not that she has to anymore, but I always wondered about this. Uh…maybe I’m missing something here, but why did you go NC with your ex? Is that HOW you broke up with her? Did you just not tell her you planned to never speak to her again and when she tried to text you, you ignored her and then eventually told her to leave you alone? That sounds pretty harsh to me.
geegirl Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Can't this be seen as the case for both people? If both of us aren't bothering with each other, they both can say "well the other person doesn't care. they aren't reaching out to me" What is the difference? I've been NC for 2 months. I never told my ex that I would be doing it. but have ignored her when she texted me and eventually did tell her to please leave me alone. Could I be seen as "not caring"? I think if anything, she's the one who doesn't care. Not that she has to anymore, but I always wondered about this. She was upfront with you and told you she was interested in another person. You both discussed it and then fought and broke up. You had your closure when she told you she wanted to be with someone else. It's not the same when you have been in an R and the person just disappears on you with no explanation, even after asking/begging for an answer.
fucpcg Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Can you elaborate? How is the "silent treatment" different from NC? I mean, silent treatment is clearly an intentional mind-game, but how do you know whether or not her NC was a mind-game, rather than simply no contact, because she no longer wanted to hear from you? I don't get it. First, if you've been thru it, you will understand the difference without question over what NC is supposed to be. Second, if you or anyone in here wants to learn more, Google Silent Treatment. There are numerous articles you can find by Psychologists, who are better qualified to answer your questions. Once again, it is a heartless, callous attempt to hurt someone, and has nothing to do with moving on.
stevie_23 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 It's not the same when you have been in an R and the person just disappears on you with no explanation, even after asking/begging for an answer. EXACTLY!!!!!
na49 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 She was upfront with you and told you she was interested in another person. You both discussed it and then fought and broke up. You had your closure when she told you she wanted to be with someone else. It's not the same when you have been in an R and the person just disappears on you with no explanation, even after asking/begging for an answer. lol you made it sound so much better than it was. and okay that makes sense.
youngnlove89 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I just want to know what is the purpose of the silent treatment initiated by the dumper? Do they do it because they don't care about your feelings? Do they do it because they don't want to say anything to hurt you? Do they do it as a form of punishment and suffering? I know I could never do it to someone, even if I no longer wanted to be with them. I would tell them in the most respectful way possible that I didn't want to be with them anymore, but I wish them all the best, etc. I don't know what hurts more feeling rejected or feeling like I never even existed to him. We were together for 6 years, we were engaged for a short time. It wasn't like I was just some fling that he had. I just thought he might have a little more respect than to just say "I'm done because of the fighting" and dissapear into the mist. I've heard that phrase many times before and in actuality he was not done, he still talked to me. So how was I supposed to know this was really it? Sometimes silence can be loud. It's painful to be ignored by someone you love. Especially someone you are trying to get over. To be honest when someone ignores you they are teaching you how to live a better life without them. I've been ignored by my ex bf too for maybe 3 weeks now, but to be honest, it's helped me. In the beginning, it didn't seem that way. But over time, the fog in your brain clears and you start to see things for what they are. Nobody can tell you his intentions. Nobody can tell you what he means when he doesn't reply. It can mean several things, but to be honest what more can it mean than the fact that he is trying to move on in life WITHOUT you. Doesn't mean you are a horrible person. Doesn't mean he regrets being with you. Doesn't mean he isn't hurting or missing you (but don't count on it). It just means he knows this is what he has to do to let you go. Because he WANTS to let you go. I'm sorry you are hurting, but there is no nice answer to this question. One day, you'll be okay. It won't bother you as much anymore. If anything, he is doing you a favor.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I've been on both sides of this, though I've never done this as a dumper. I had a situation with an ex where I pulled the silent treatment on her for three months (which was made worse for her because we were co-workers) because she tried to get me in trouble with HR because she was pissed at me for some reason or another. I would talk around her if I needed to communicate with her, relaying messages through other co-workers and ignored at attempt she made to talk to me until her final day, when I wished her luck. She cried uncontrollably and told me she was sorry for what she had done. I did the silent treatment purely to manipulate and punish. Was it mean? Yes, but I felt betrayed by her and felt that this would be the best way to show that. My current ex (the inspiration for me joining this site) and I have had our spates of this. She went silent on me instead of giving me a clean break (I basically got too attached and pulled a burn on her), not responding to my correspondence except for one time over a two-week span, when we made plans and she canceled. I then went silent for a month (though she didn't try to contact) before contacting her a week before we were supposed to hang out for a prearranged weekend. We talked a little that week, hung out for two days (one was awful, one was decent) and had some off and on communication for the next two weeks until her birthday. I texted her happy birthday, she responded, I responded back, she didn't answer. Not wanting to go through the silent treatment I went through before, I went hard NC. Neither one of us have spoken to the other in 3.5 months. I hate the disappearing act or the fade -- would rather just be told to f--k off -- but it is what it is. It's weird, this woman is the epitome of outspoken and direct and she just faded from me. The motivation (not to give me hope, anger, hurt, stubbornness, complete indifference towards me) doesn't really matter at this point.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Uh…maybe I’m missing something here, but why did you go NC with your ex? Is that HOW you broke up with her? Did you just not tell her you planned to never speak to her again and when she tried to text you, you ignored her and then eventually told her to leave you alone? That sounds pretty harsh to me. He went NC on her because she cheated on him and broke up with him. He's hardly the bad guy here.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Can't this be seen as the case for both people? If both of us aren't bothering with each other, they both can say "well the other person doesn't care. they aren't reaching out to me" What is the difference? I've been NC for 2 months. I never told my ex that I would be doing it. but have ignored her when she texted me and eventually did tell her to please leave me alone. Could I be seen as "not caring"? I think if anything, she's the one who doesn't care. Not that she has to anymore, but I always wondered about this. Er, no, IMO, the dumper should initiate contact if he is still interested in the dumpee.. The dumpee has already lost some dignity in the process of the break-up (most likely), and will not , and should not be expected to, be the one to approach. That's tantamount to begging. If someone told you they no longer wanted to be with you, it is up to them to tell you that they have changed their mind. Not saying you should entertain their change of heart/mind, but why should *I*, the dumpee, do the contacting? Just because I don't doesn't mean that I have no feelings for him. It just means that I am not contacting him because, well, maybe because he told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore? He decided it unilaterally for the both of us.... 2
crashvector Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I've never done it to anyone else before, either. this is the first time I've experienced "the silent treatment" from someone that I love... to me, it just seems mean and cruel.
NoMoreJerks Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 First, if you've been thru it, you will understand the difference without question over what NC is supposed to be. Second, if you or anyone in here wants to learn more, Google Silent Treatment. There are numerous articles you can find by Psychologists, who are better qualified to answer your questions. Once again, it is a heartless, callous attempt to hurt someone, and has nothing to do with moving on. Um, I know what silent treatment is. I have been on the receiving end of silent treatment from my ex. What you are describing sounds more like a disappearing act than silent treatment. Silent treatment has an element of ongoing manipulation , whereby they are trying to achieve a certain goal and get you to act a certain way. Not the case when someone just disappears from your life, without an explanation. Unless they keep coming back into your life and then leaving again, at certain intervals, then I wouldn't associate their disappeaing act with manipulation of any sort.
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