Older singles challenges in dating

[irc333]

I was wondering, I was wondering if there are more challenges facing single people when they're older, as opposed to when younger.

 

For instance, lets say you go off to college, meet someone, graduated, get engaged, and get married at 25, it's no big deal, because you were both in some kind of transitional phase and not really well "rooted"

 

For people in their mid 30's more , divorced, probably have kids....even well established in perhaps a home owner...it could be difficult.

 

For one, ONE of you would have to give up their living arrangements, someone's going to have to sell their home.

 

Also, with even a considerable distance between the two of you, even just an hour distance away....there are commuting aspects to consider....

 

Some people want to stay put, because they simply want to be around their family members living in the same town.

 

Even if the boyfriend is a considerable distance away...that "comfort" one might have to give up might have to be considered.

 

That being said, and I ask, have you ever had to give up a home to live with someone else? To consider become a commuter for work in order to move to be with someone?

 

Things like that? Any sacrifices of giving up something you've become so accustomed to?

 

One time, I knew of a guy, got a job offer at the Pentagon, but the wife didn't want to move....she enjoyed being around her many generation familiy in their home town.

 

Stuff like that to consider.

[DC4]

I find dating is rather unfun at 43. I meet and date pretty awesome guys, but everything is so damn complicated. I haven't gotten to the cohabitation stage, I'm still navigating dating.

 

1. Meeting new people is so much more difficult. That's my #1 challenge. OLD has proven to be an unmitigated nightmare.

 

2. The thought of moving in with someone makes me actually hyperventilate. I...I...just no. I've been living without an SO for two years and the novelty of someone not being there all the time hasn't worn off.

 

3. Kids. Mine is 20, many men my age still have younger kids. That doesn't work for me. I don't want to get enmeshed with that and men don't necessarily want dates around their kids either.

 

So right now I'm trying to find a man without kids or older kids, lives within an hour of me and only wants 2-3 dates a week yet still be exclusive. I feel like I'm chasing a unicorn.

[NoMagicBullet]

Interesting that in your "older singles" post, you don't even mention people in their 40s and 50s....

 

Yeah, geography can be a big problem when you're ~30+, because of job, kids, and all kinds of other issues. And yet because of the economic upheavals of the past several years, many people have had to relocate to keep a job, start a job, or even just find a job.

 

Bottom line: work pays the bills, so of course it's a priority for a lot of people, especially when finding a job now is so tough. But after putting food on the table and a roof over your head, then it's a question of where your priorties and obligations are after that, and how much you are willing to compromise or even sacrifice for a relationship. Actually, the latter is in effect no matter what age you are.

Edited January 8, 2013 by NoMagicBullet
spelling

[Leegh]

I think a lot of older people who are divorced, widowed, never-married, prefer to live alone, as it is not all bad living alone. In addition, the internet is a great companion. Of course, if someone falls madly in love with someone that is different, but I would not want to marry someone whom I just had an OK relationship with, even if they were a good person. Also, I think one's financial situation is a big part of it. Many people may not be able to afford to live alone, and will marry Mr. (Half-Right) to help with expenses, etc. I think even a lot of younger people are staying married because of financial reasons, kids, etc., and may not be happy with their spouse. I live alone and I like it, for example, if I go to the store, etc., I don't have to tell someone where I am going, when I will be back, etc.

But to each his own.

[CarrieT]

This is me... I had been on and off dating sites for a decade (my 40s, essentially). In the beginning, I would dismiss men who lived more than an hour+ drive or who had kids. I still had lots of dates but nothing that stuck.

 

A year ago October, I saw a guy's profile that I liked and I usually did not approach - I was the one who was approached. He lived 70 miles away and had three kids. We started chatting and I said it was a pity he lived so far away. He convinced me to meet him anyway; he had dated women in other states and considering the extensive number of mutual interests, he didn't think the distance a very big one.

 

So we dated for a year. On the weeks he had his kids, I would visit and go home. On his non-kid weeks, he would visit me and we would stay at my place on weekends. As it got more serious, we realized I was to be the one to move. He couldn't move his kids that far away from their mother and his job was the one that couldn't change (he owns a medical practice, I'm an executive assistant).

 

So I am the one who is moving to be with him and his family. It has not been easy and he is very understanding at the feelings of displacement as I go through the process. He (and his kids) agree that I have nicer furniture so they are getting rid of theirs and replacing it with mine. Some of my more precious items will stay packed and in storage until his kids are through the breakage stage.

 

I moved my cats into his house just two days ago so my home now feels less like "my home." We are looking for a larger place (my desire from the get-go, so that we all start with a new place), but in the meantime, I move bite and pieces into his home and stage some other items for storage until we find a new home. The whole process will take at least two months as I now have a new job that is near where they live. (Yes, I am going to miss living in Wine Country!(

[carhill]

Main challenge is actually meeting verifiably 'single' women in my age group and demographic. People in my age group tend to be enmeshed in their families and/or careers, and many have extended families with grandchildren. Hence, meetings are purely incidental. Most of my social circle has been married over twenty years, some into the mid-30's. Very few single people. A friend's daughter is single but she's too young, early 40's. A friend's sister is single but she's too involved with the care of a special needs grandchild and I didn't get any positive vibes from her over a period of years of meetings. Etc, Etc.

 

I'm self-employed, independent and mobile. I can go anywhere on the planet and make a living. My family is dead. I have friends all over the place, here and abroad. 'Here' it's tough dating or even meeting people to increase my social circle. That's why I'm looking for an alternative place to live, either seasonally or permanently. For every challenge there is an answer.

[darkmoon]

40's 50's...the things that bugged you (me) don't bug like they once did, having learned by mistakes, atmo there's alot more holding back, more healthy skepticism, less rushing in, that's in my case any way

Edited January 8, 2013 by darkmoon

[curlygirl40]

I'm going to post some of the benefits of dating in your 40's.

 

Many of the guys I talk to have kids that are at least teens. (some have younger kids, I'm just saying seems the majority of the one's I talk to have teens). If I were to meet someone and we were to want to blend our lives, it's easy enough to say let's do it in a few years once the kids move on. I'm financially stable and not looking for someone to pay my bills so it's easy enough to continue living alone and split our time between houses while the kids are growing up. Especially with teens, they are easier (to me) in that situation.

 

It's important to me that the guy be a good dad to his kids, but I'm not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids. So therefore instead of looking at a potential 'mate' and thinking 'will he be a good father, will he be a good provider?' I am looking and just simply wondering 'will he be a good partner for me'. It's about me this time around. I don't need a father for my kids or someone to support me. I would just like a partner to go through the rest of my life with.

 

Also in thinking back about dating in my 20's, sometimes people have habits that you don't agree with and you'll think 'well, they will outgrow that, etc'. When you're dating in your 40's and you meet a guy who's 45 and smokes pot, well, he's a pot smoker. He's not going to change now. You have to decide if that's a deal breaker or not. When you're in your 20's you might think 'well, he'll stop when we get married, or he'll stop when I get pregnant', etc. and that causes conflict. No conflict here. At this age, we are who we are and we aren't changing, take it or leave it.

 

I think we have 'proven' ourselves more at this age. It's easy to see who someone is, with all of their 'baggage' and realize that everything they have been through has made them who they are today. You can look at someone mid 40's and see that he's a hard worker, that he's a good father, that he has kept friends through his life and kept a good relationship with his family.

 

So IMO yes there are challenges, but yet there are benefits also.

 

I don't think too much about relocating because I am self employed and my kids are older and I was planning on selling my house sometime in the next couple of years so I could move wherever.

 

Also, like one of the other posters, I LOVE my space and the more I live alone, the more I love it. But I also know that one day I will meet someone that I will give it all up for.

[todreaminblue]

I believe home is where the heart is, and if you truly love someone , then you will want to be with that person,I think it has to be a definite committed relationship to move though,I dotn only think this I have lived it, what really pissed me off though was I did everything when it came to moving obtained the hosuing packed the house, helped move the furniture, and stressed out,relocated the kids school wise, and still had to do my every day things....so yep not fun.......would i do it again.....if i loved someone yes...because when i truly love someone......there isnt much i wouldnt do...i have left my family my mum and moved interstate.......organised that too from another state i found housing,in saying that, im not abou t to move on a whim.....i havent got that many moves left in me......a love that is commited....is one move i would consider.......makes me tired writing it...but i would consider it seriously if it were for love....and only then..even wandering draught horses need to settle....deb

[FitChick]

Older men have more baggage in terms of one (or two) ex-wives and kids who may still be dependent. I don't like being punished for the sins of the exes.

[Lonely Ronin]

Older men have more baggage in terms of one (or two) ex-wives and kids who may still be dependent. I don't like being punished for the sins of the exes.

 

I think it get harder with each day starting from day one, but that could be me just being pessimistic today.

[phineas]

I find dating is rather unfun at 43. I meet and date pretty awesome guys, but everything is so damn complicated. I haven't gotten to the cohabitation stage, I'm still navigating dating.

 

1. Meeting new people is so much more difficult. That's my #1 challenge. OLD has proven to be an unmitigated nightmare.

 

2. The thought of moving in with someone makes me actually hyperventilate. I...I...just no. I've been living without an SO for two years and the novelty of someone not being there all the time hasn't worn off.

 

3. Kids. Mine is 20, many men my age still have younger kids. That doesn't work for me. I don't want to get enmeshed with that and men don't necessarily want dates around their kids either.

 

So right now I'm trying to find a man without kids or older kids, lives within an hour of me and only wants 2-3 dates a week yet still be exclusive. I feel like I'm chasing a unicorn.

 

This.

Especially 2^ LOL!

My kids are younger and that does pose a challenge for me.

[salparadise]

I'm in my 50's, divorced 3 years and freshly out of a long-term, long-distance relationship. I must've done 40+ coffee dates in the interval between the divorce and meeting my recent GF. I also dated one woman for a several times but it didn't go anywhere so I don't think of it as a relationship. A few observations...

 

It's hard to even find good prospects, much less someone you actually want to be in a relationship with or spend your life with. People tend to become fixed in terms of who they are, what they expect, how much compromise they're willing to make, etc. So the match has to be either unusually synergetic or both must be unusually flexible and open to someone different than they might have imagined.

 

Children are usually a factor even if they're not still living at home. Many people are making their lives around extended families and while they might welcome you into their world, they aren't much interested in other choices. And who wants to have their lives become all about someone else's children and grandchildren? Teenage and early 20s age children can also be jealous of their parents (for lack of a better word) and be either disapproving or intent on sabotaging the relationship.

 

Wealth is often an obstacle. If a woman is of modest means she will typically want a man who is either somewhat or a lot better off than she is, depending on how well she thinks she can do with her dating currency. If a woman is wealthy and the man is not it makes for a reversed, awkward power dynamic. And her adult children may be disapproving if they see him as a threat to their inheritance. If one person is putting college age children through school the other may not be accepting of a large chunk of the combined income going to that rather than a better lifestyle or security for the couple.

 

As unfortunate as it is, post-menopausal women often lose some of their feminine characteristics and it's hard for men to view them as desirable, or at least to have the instinctive response that they do for younger women.

 

A new partner may not integrate fluidly into existing social circles of the other partner, especially if there are cultural or socio-ecnonmic differences.

 

Many of these factors tend to be subliminal at first but as the couple move from just dating to planning a future they become larger obstacles, and sometimes it's just easier to call it quits than to make compromises. I also believe that perhaps love becomes more cerebral and less emotional as we age and hormone levels are not driving the urge to merge.

[edgygirl]

There are two sides of dating in your 30s-40s.

 

The side I like is that I feel much more secure in who I am, I like to think I know who I am and I also don't feel insecure about things like looks which bothers the majority of people in their 20s as you can confirm in this board. I also know much better who are the kind of persons/personalities that go well with mine. In our 20s we date and at the same time we try to understand who we are. This obviously becomes a non issue as you age.

 

The side I don't like is that it seems that a lot of the people "left" seem really damaged. There are many many options in my city, I can get a date per night, but it's frustrating as I know there is always a "catch", so I try to identify what the catch is beforehand and go only on selected dates instead. These catches in my experience have to do with some personality issue - either they are not compassionate or empathetic people, they don't know how to deal with someone else in a relationship, or they are so comfortable being single that they seem to scared to dive into a relationship. I feel this way too at times, I got used to having my own place etc, but I think the trade off of having someone you love for companionship, love, sex, sharing expenses, friendship, etc pays off and it's worth giving up the things you're used to being single.

 

Another point today is that with all this OLD, people get bitter pretty fast, men and women. I have countless men telling me how they can't find a match to settle down, that everyone has GIGS and keeps dating others even when the prospect seems really good with someone.

 

I am also not specially fond of inheriting someone else's kids & exes & family as I don't have that baggage myself, but more and more this is what I get in my age, and these guys as opposed to the single ones seem to be more relationship-material as they at least were in long term ones before and are usually not as damaged or have personality issues as the single ones seem to have.

 

What I take out of it? Things are MUCH easier in our 20s. We are not jaded, it's MUCH easier to fall in love with someone, and I wish I had settled back then with a few wonderful boyfriends I had. These are certainly taken today.

[El Brujo]

Nobody talks about the men who reach middle age and give up on playing the game.

[2sure]

I'm dating . I'm 47. Ive been single on and off for years. Last divorced more than 2 years ago. It's the same as always, depends on me. This time I've been dating guys a little younger it seems, which I've not done before. No reason.

 

I might be picking better or differently or...I'm not husband shopping so I don't have this strict list to adhere to...but the guys have been just easier going. Not all hung up, not complaining about exes or jobs .

I'm in a much smaller city too, so it's a different mindset.

 

And yes, not the player type thing anymore and that makes it sooo much easier to just relax, have a good time, and not over think it.

[truth_seeker]

What I take out of it? Things are MUCH easier in our 20s. We are not jaded, it's MUCH easier to fall in love with someone, and I wish I had settled back then with a few wonderful boyfriends I had. These are certainly taken today.

 

Much easier to fall in love... fall into traps... fall for the wrong person. There are many people out there who play the field in their 20's, even while in a relationship, then hit their 30's and think they can go monogamous.

[irc333]

The reason I ask, is that I've dated a couple of women, both no kids, but they do have pets. One has never been married, the other divorced.

 

So, the bonus there is they have no kids tying them down.

 

One of them is pretty well rooted in her small town that's about an hour and half from me. She's very close to her family, and it appears every man she's ever dated moved a good distance to live with her or they maintained a commuting relationship. She's in her mid-30's and in a management position with a CPA firm.

 

Met HER online though.

 

But again, it sounds like she'd never give up her home, even though she has no kids tying her down.

 

Apparently, even if you don't have kids, there's still something that might anchor someone to their Mayberry location. And seriously content in their geographic location, regardless of only one Walmart in the entire area. lol

 

The other I speak of, only but an hour a way, but I'm in suburbia north of the big city, and she's a bit south, and small town south of that very big city.

 

I met her through a sizable circle of friends in REAL LIFE at a party, we have been really hitting it off. Flirting big time, and towards the end of the date I asked he about the nature of our relatoinship.

 

She works nights all the time, and she felt she even thought I was just too far away to deal with that, but does really like me.

 

And, it sounds like she has NO intentions of giving up her place of residence either. She loves the quiet, small town life, and had grown attached it.

 

She's lucky she can get out even to socialize even with friends. Sometimes friends have to drag her out of her house. lol

 

What's odd is, I find it interesting both don't have kids, usually I just COULD assume they could give up that place of residence and go anywhere if they dont' have kids.

 

BUT STILL there are other areas to consider that keeps them attached to their current location.

[suladas]

I wonder why they are so content to stay put, especially when moving an hour or two isn't a big deal. I personally would never live in a small town unless it was very close to a big city, but other then that i'd have no problem moving, even though I own my own house.

 

At the same time though, my OLD range is only 30 miles, I have no interest meeting someone further then that. If nothing comes from it eventually I will probably make it further but I live in a city of nearly 1 million people so I don't see the need to expand the radius anytime soon.

[2sure]

Oh I see. Yes, I missed the whole point . I am always open minded to moving , but for someone else...no. Especially not now. I mean, I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that...at this point in my life..where I live has go to be down to me. Giving up everything for someone else...those days, sorry, over. And I wouldnt want anyone else to either.

[irc333]

Oh I see. Yes, I missed the whole point . I am always open minded to moving , but for someone else...no. Especially not now. I mean, I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that...at this point in my life..where I live has go to be down to me. Giving up everything for someone else...those days, sorry, over. And I wouldnt want anyone else to either.

 

Okay, just curious, how much would you be giving up to move 30 mins away to be with someone?

 

let's say you get engaged...what then? Would you ONLY expect that person to relocate for you?

[CarrieT]

An hour away could be a big deal, depending on the town and what it has to offer....

 

For me, moving out of Napa is hard. I am a food-and-wine person. From my Napa home, I can walk 15 minutes to a dozen amazing restaurants, wine bars, and four performing arts venues (jazz, classical, pop). I can bike around some amazing Victorian homes and am minutes from being able to hike into the mountains or amongst vineyards. I am great friends with my neighbors even having only lived in that particular neighborhood for two years (one is a wine maker who built a pizza oven in her back yard - imagine THOSE weekend parties!). There is a decent Cineplex for all the latest movies and enough big-chain stores (Target, Home Depot, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods) as well as gourmet food stores to keep one's larder well-stocked.

 

Where I am moving is a small, tourist town. I can walk the entire downtown in ten minutes and I have already eaten at all the restaurants. There is no live music, but there is the Pacific Ocean to look at. Movies, hardware stores, and anything of substance that needs to be purchased is a 30-minute drive towards San Francisco. My fiance has never met any of his neighbors and he has lived here a decade. They sort of know each others' names, but nothing else.

 

My fiance knows how hard it is for me to leave Napa and the things about it I love for this uncertainty. For me, it has been a conscious choice that I wanted someone in my life and part of why I moved to Napa was that I thought I would find someone *there* (having lived in San Francisco for half-a-decade). Dating in the big city was hard when all the middle-aged men are living in the suburbs to be with their kids. I just picked the wrong suburb and will have to learn the ways of a new one.

[DC4]

Damn Carrie, I want to be your neighbor immediately.

[irc333]

Carrie,

 

That's romantic, I like your post.

 

I guess it depends on how much you are into or even in..."love" with that person.

 

Some say now, "No I won't give up moving away from my 3 generations of my family tree just to be with someone", but it's one of those "Cross that bridge when you get there" moments.

 

Some singles, have been single for SO long, they become rather geographically accustomed to where they live.

 

 

An hour away could be a big deal, depending on the town and what it has to offer....

 

For me, moving out of Napa is hard. I am a food-and-wine person. From my Napa home, I can walk 15 minutes to a dozen amazing restaurants, wine bars, and four performing arts venues (jazz, classical, pop). I can bike around some amazing Victorian homes and am minutes from being able to hike into the mountains or amongst vineyards. I am great friends with my neighbors even having only lived in that particular neighborhood for two years (one is a wine maker who built a pizza oven in her back yard - imagine THOSE weekend parties!). There is a decent Cineplex for all the latest movies and enough big-chain stores (Target, Home Depot, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods) as well as gourmet food stores to keep one's larder well-stocked.

 

Where I am moving is a small, tourist town. I can walk the entire downtown in ten minutes and I have already eaten at all the restaurants. There is no live music, but there is the Pacific Ocean to look at. Movies, hardware stores, and anything of substance that needs to be purchased is a 30-minute drive towards San Francisco. My fiance has never met any of his neighbors and he has lived here a decade. They sort of know each others' names, but nothing else.

 

My fiance knows how hard it is for me to leave Napa and the things about it I love for this uncertainty. For me, it has been a conscious choice that I wanted someone in my life and part of why I moved to Napa was that I thought I would find someone *there* (having lived in San Francisco for half-a-decade). Dating in the big city was hard when all the middle-aged men are living in the suburbs to be with their kids. I just picked the wrong suburb and will have to learn the ways of a new one.

[2sure]

Okay, just curious, how much would you be giving up to move 30 mins away to be with someone?

 

let's say you get engaged...what then? Would you ONLY expect that person to relocate for you?

 

I guess you have a point. If I Were crazy in love enough to want to live with someone...I'd probably move to the moon. I just can't picture, at the moment, being that in love again. Where I live is important to me, I have to love it. So...I probably would not fall crazy in love for example, with someone who hated the city, because I love the city.