TiredAndUnhappy Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hello all, I'm new to this forum. I've read numerous threads to try to gain some insight on how I feel about my own situation, but as with anytime I really start thinking about my situation I end up more confused on where I stand than when I started. I'm a 26 year old man and my wife and I have been going through separation for about a month now. We were only married for a little over a year, but we've been together for over four years. I realize this is a very short relationship in comparison to a lot of the relationships on this forum but for us it has felt like a lifetime. It all started very fast. I tend to fall in love extremely fast - and judging from how things started I can probably say the same thing about her. My son was three years old when we started dating. One of the things that struck me about her instantly was how well she took to him. She struck me as possibly being the mother figure he never had. (His biological mom ran out on us when he was only 2.) Only a few days after my wife and I started dating she pulled me to the side and told me she just found out she was three weeks pregnant. She said she completely understood if I didn't want to stick around. I thought long and hard about the situation as it was obviously a lot to take in. After a long deliberation I decided I would stick around to see what happened. After all, she was carrying the burden of being there for my child. It seemed hypocritical to leave simply because she was going to have one of her own that I would have to deal with. Soon this turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. We grew very close to each other and within a couple of months she decided to move in with me. We talked about our future. She asked me how many kids I wanted in life. I told her I always wanted two. A boy and a girl. Now I would have that. She wanted more. A lot more. However, we both compromised that since we were both madly in love, and since we each only had a child of our own, that eventually we should try to have one between the two of us. I told myself that when the time came I would be ready. For several years things were great. When her daughter was born I raised her as if she were my own and she to this day calls me dad. A year ago we got married. We had a beautiful little family and a lot of people envied our relationship, because we always appeared to be such a happy couple. Even now when I tell people that we're separating they think at first that I'm joking. For years I've been persuading her to delay the third child because we weren't financially ready. A few months ago we decided we were ready to start trying and we did for about two months. Two months in, however, I went through what I would call an early mid-life crisis and decided I wasn't ready for this. I work long hours at my job and am very excited for where my career has been taking me and the opportunities that lie ahead. I would like to be able to maintain the same level of focus on that. Meanwhile, I'm helping to raise two children. I pick them up from school/daycare everyday. I cook dinner every night as my wife can't really cook. The house is constantly a mess because we don't have time to clean. On the weekends we're always doing something with my wife's family or friends. I don't get near enough downtime to recover from the hectic life I live - which is especially difficult, because I am a homebody at heart. With all this in mind I really started struggling mentally with the prospect of throwing a third child into the mix. I already feel like I'm stretched too thin to give the two children we already have enough love and attention and I feel like having a third would not be fair to any of them, let alone the kind of stress it would add me would most likely push me over the edge. About a month ago I told my wife my concerns about having a third child. She was crushed. She felt as though I had been leading her on this whole time. She decided it was best for her to leave. She has always been part of a large family and she deeply wants a large family of her own. Having two children is simply not enough for her and she decided this was enough to call off our relationship. I have gone through every emotion imaginable during this first month of our separation. I feel an extreme amount of guilt that I did not come to this realization sooner and have basically wasted the last four years of her life. I also feel an extreme amount of pride in the fact that I'm doing what I feel is right for my son and myself, to ensure that we both get the attention and bonding that we deserve from each other. I feel an extreme amount of sadness, because it is by far the best relationship I've ever been in and I have never dealt well with loneliness. Now that I've had a lot of time to myself to think I've begun to notice all of the things that have bothered me about her all this time that I've chosen to ignore for the sake of maintaining a drama-free relationship. Perhaps I'm looking at these things through the wrong-colored glasses because I'm a little bitter towards the situation, but these are things that have crossed my mind nonetheless. I have always felt like she did not have enough patience for my son. She at times seems irritated with him, and is quick to yell at him. I've brought this concern up with her on a few occasions but it never ended pleasantly. I do not feel that attractive to her. She never initiates romance. Even when we were trying to get pregnant I always had to get things started. It is very difficult when you don't feel like your own wife has the hots for you at all. She is such a social bug. Most of the time I have admired her for this, as I tend to be the exact opposite. I usually play along and go with her to her outings, but for a homebody to constantly have things on the calendar can be very draining. With some of these things crossing my mind I occasionally wonder if we were ever really right for each other in the first place or if we both fell victim to diving in the deep end of love at 100 mph. Still, when she comes over to gather some of her things I feel such a deep sadness when I look in her eyes. It hurts a lot to not have her around and I feel like such a terrible person for having done this to us. I've never felt so confused about a situation in my life. Any thoughts you might have on the situation would be helpful to hopefully help me to clarify mine a bit. Thank you.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 About a month ago I told my wife my concerns about having a third child. She was crushed. She felt as though I had been leading her on this whole time. She decided it was best for her to leave. She has always been part of a large family and she deeply wants a large family of her own. Having two children is simply not enough for her and she decided this was enough to call off our relationship. My friend, something else going on here. No woman with two kids leaves the marriage because you won't have a third. Something else about your relationship or her conduct that is yet to be described or discovered by you. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky
veryhappy Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 If she's close to your age, you easily have 10 more years to have the third child. Why the drama on both sides? You can have another one when these two are less work. If you don't want another one at all, do get divorced, but it sounds like the two of you went too fast. Of course she's short tempered with your son. He's biologically yours and you deny her one. 1
Author TiredAndUnhappy Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 She wants to have the child sooner than later so that when one is out of the house they all follow shortly after. She has been pressing me to have the third for years now. About this I wonder: if you want them all out of the house so bad why do you want another one in the house in the first place? She's been short-tempered with my son for years - not just since I told her I can't handle a third child. I agree that we did move too fast, but even after things slowed down things seemed to work well for the most part. I agree Mr. Lucky that it does seem like there is more to this, but I have no idea what that would be. It all happened so abruptly. I guess I just assumed she was so scorned that I had "led her on" for all these years that she just couldn't take the blow. Perhaps that is naive of me. Perhaps this is the straw that broke the camel's back and I was just unaware that there were other straws piling up.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I agree Mr. Lucky that it does seem like there is more to this, but I have no idea what that would be. It all happened so abruptly. I guess I just assumed she was so scorned that I had "led her on" for all these years that she just couldn't take the blow. Perhaps that is naive of me. Perhaps this is the straw that broke the camel's back and I was just unaware that there were other straws piling up. There's obviously some resentment and anger built up over time for her to walk over this. How long between the conversation over the 3rd child and the separation? Who moved out? TandU, I'd also venture that someone so focused on her own needs (and biological clock) wouldn't hesitate to do whatever she felt was in her own short term self-interest. And this may include already having dipped her toe (or other body part) in the dating pool to test the waters. Separation + social media = trouble... Mr. Lucky
Author TiredAndUnhappy Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 How long between the conversation over the 3rd child and the separation? Who moved out? She moved out about two or three weeks after the initial conversation about the 3rd child. I offered to move out to make things easier for her but she decided she'd rather move in with her dad for awhile.
veryhappy Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Find out if she has someone else. Completely changes the situation. If she doesn't, I don't see any red flags. For you to be together for 4 years in your early 20s and her to stomp her feet she wants a baby now is very immature. It would only add stress and could become the breaking point of your R. She might want the kids close in age to each other, and some people do that even if it's harder on them. You two need to talk and make some long term plan. You've been sprinting for a marathon. She needs to get over her biological drive to have a child now(and I've been there). In three or four years things could be much more better for that. I don't see anything screaming divorce. You're just two intense individuals.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 She moved out about two or three weeks after the initial conversation about the 3rd child. I offered to move out to make things easier for her but she decided she'd rather move in with her dad for awhile. Again, it just feels like something doesn't add up. Seems like a nuclear-level action for a medium-level problem and not the step that someone who's committed to their marriage would take. You guys are obvious candidates for MC - have you discussed it? Her opposition to that (if true) would be another piece of the puzzle.... Mr. Lucky
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