Paranoid thoughts bad or good?

[Honiebee]

When it comes to paranoid thoughts, should you let them run riot or try and bury them? Can the paranoid thoughts help?

 

If you keep thinking they are probably with someone else right now etc- should you cling on to that to jolt yourself ito getting over them whilst on NC? Or will they make you go mad?

 

I don't know if this makes sense.

 

I'm on NC and having lots of crazy thoughts - but not sure if I should try and encourage them or drive them away. I've booked time away to see an old friend and started doing overtime but I'm still thinking about him. I don't expect it to stop straight away just wondering how best to handle it.

 

X

[fixing]

Yeah, its a good thing to accept and even assume he is seeing someone/has seen someone already, but DONT DWELL on the fact. Just know he is/will see someone else and let that be an extra push for you to move on.

[flitzanu]

paranoid thoughts would be much more severe than "they are with someone else right now" because that's probably the truth. paranoid thoughts would be "they are in an orgy right now and shooting heroin".

[geegirl]

I wouldn't call it paranoid thoughts but obsessive thoughts. And yes, it's part and parcel of grieving.

 

It is safe to believe that he is with other women as he isn't one to stay true to one person. He was cheating on you and the ex, so who knows what else he has lined up now that he's lost you from his little harem.

 

When those thoughts come, step back, breathe and allow your mind to seek your reality. Self-talk. Speak to yourself as you would a sister or a girlfriend. Tell yourself, "Honie, you need to stop and think about the facts." Rather than let it overtake your mind like weeds, put the brakes on and rein it in. What is he? Who is he? What has he done that enforces the fact that he could be with someone else? Isn't he a cheater? Why is it bad for me?

 

You don't drive them away or encourage them. You talk it out, loudly in your head, with rationale and logic, accepting him for who he is with your brain since those thoughts are mostly driven by your emotions.

[Honiebee]

I wouldn't call it paranoid thoughts but obsessive thoughts. And yes, it's part and parcel of grieving.

 

It is safe to believe that he is with other women as he isn't one to stay true to one person. He was cheating on you and the ex, so who knows what else he has lined up now that he's lost you from his little harem.

 

When those thoughts come, step back, breathe and allow your mind to seek your reality. Self-talk. Speak to yourself as you would a sister or a girlfriend. Tell yourself, "Honie, you need to stop and think about the facts." Rather than let it overtake your mind like weeds, put the brakes on and rein it in. What is he? Who is he? What has he done that enforces the fact that he could be with someone else? Isn't he a cheater? Why is it bad for me?

 

You don't drive them away or encourage them. You talk it out, loudly in your head, with rationale and logic, accepting him for who he is with your brain since those thoughts are mostly driven by your emotions.

 

 

Thanks geegirl, I did try and think about what I wanted- what I needed. I started a new book. I am looking for a flat. I am going away to see an old friend soon, and throwing myself back into my job. I suppose I thought he bounced his ex and I off each other as an ego boost- because he had no one else, but I suppose it's realistic enough to think he probably has others. And if he doesn't, will try to get together with others now.

 

It's hard- I do think about him and get paranoid he's ****ing my friends even though I somehow know its ridiculous . The thoughts creep in but hopefully they will lessen if I just step back from it.

 

I wish I had found LS earlier - it may well have stopped me breaking my year long NC. Can't look back though its helping now!

X

[geegirl]

Those are all positive steps that you are taking, Honie. Good for you.

 

One thing that you have to promise yourself is that you will come here if he contacts you. Do not respond to him if he contacts you. Come here and vent and seek support before you react emotionally.

 

Yes, don't expect a guy like this to be sitting at home and reflecting on his losses and pondering about life changes. He's on the prowl for the next candidate!

 

Even if he's sleeping with your friends, breathe a sigh of relief it's not you and focus on the bullet you've dodged.

 

Don't look back. Look forward. If you were able to do NC for a year, this is going to be much easier now with the help of LS!! You may be on your way to emotional freedom sooner than you think!

[Honiebee]

Those are all positive steps that you are taking, Honie. Good for you.

 

One thing that you have to promise yourself is that you will come here if he contacts you. Do not respond to him if he contacts you. Come here and vent and seek support before you react emotionally.

 

Yes, don't expect a guy like this to be sitting at home and reflecting on his losses and pondering about life changes. He's on the prowl for the next candidate!

 

Even if he's sleeping with your friends, breathe a sigh of relief it's not you and focus on the bullet you've dodged.

 

Don't look back. Look forward. If you were able to do NC for a year, this is going to be much easier now with the help of LS!! You may be on your way to emotional freedom sooner than you think!

 

 

 

It's hard to explain... I don't actually think he's sleeping with my actual friends (otherwise they'd be pretty s**tty friends! I think it's just a way of thinking of the worst possible thing that could happen/hurt me and trying to prepare for it. I was thinking about it last night, about the year long NC and how I let him come straight back in without even a fight - coming here may have stopped me being so stupid.

 

But thank god this time I know what to do- I will definitely come here.

It hasn't been long at all, and I'm still really hurt- part of me even hopes he will contact and be sorry for what he's done. But from the advice I've been given - I know he won't. I know that. It won't stop me hoping but I can be realistic about it.

 

I wanted to join the gym but it is all money. I'm trying to keep busy and stop these stupid thoughts. And that's why I was wondering if I should dwell with the thoughts or not.

 

Thanks x

[geegirl]

It's normal to hope. I caught my ex in the midst of having sex with another woman in his driveway and the next morning I was hopeful enough to think that maybe it was a mistake and it wasn't what it seemed. Even months later I had hope that he would change but he didn't. Besides, even if he came back and said he was sorry, would you be able to trust him without looking over your shoulder? You should never live that way.

 

If you can't join a gym, take up walking. Get an exercise DVD and plug it on and jump around in your living room. On www.meetup.com there are walking groups (mostly women) and it will be good for you to mingle with healthy minded people. Start meeting new people since you are short on friends.

 

Dwelling is not good. It pulls you deeper and deeper into a hole. The moment you get a bad thought, reframe your thoughts.

 

Your brain has been programmed on channel Azzhole...when channel Azzhole comes on, turn the channel. Your thoughts have been framed to go down a certain route, now you have to re-route them and change the content. So, when Azzhole comes to mind, change it to Honie and all the things Honie is thankful for, and all the things that Honie is looking forward to and all the things Honie will soon start to enjoy because she is finding her emotional freedom.

 

When channel Azzhole comes on, change it!

[crashvector]

Its not the accepting that they're gone that hurts.

 

It's the hoping that they will come back someday that does the damage.

[Honiebee]

It's normal to hope. I caught my ex in the midst of having sex with another woman in his driveway and the next morning I was hopeful enough to think that maybe it was a mistake and it wasn't what it seemed. Even months later I had hope that he would change but he didn't. Besides, even if he came back and said he was sorry, would you be able to trust him without looking over your shoulder? You should never live that way.

 

If you can't join a gym, take up walking. Get an exercise DVD and plug it on and jump around in your living room. On www.meetup.com there are walking groups (mostly women) and it will be good for you to mingle with healthy minded people. Start meeting new people since you are short on friends.

 

Dwelling is not good. It pulls you deeper and deeper into a hole. The moment you get a bad thought, reframe your thoughts.

 

Your brain has been programmed on channel Azzhole...when channel Azzhole comes on, turn the channel. Your thoughts have been framed to go down a certain route, now you have to re-route them and change the content. So, when Azzhole comes to mind, change it to Honie and all the things Honie is thankful for, and all the things that Honie is looking forward to and all the things Honie will soon start to enjoy because she is finding her emotional freedom.

 

When channel Azzhole comes on, change it!

 

Wow. I wish I could DM you, that's awful, I'm sorry. In the driveway... That's just... Holy hell. How on earth did you manage to stay so strong or trust again? I have been cheated on, and had some pretty nasty stuff happen and not managed to stay as strong as you.

 

And yeah I agree I've probably been thinking about him, blinded by him for too long. Wanting to impress him, talk to him, cuddle him, have sex with him. It's hard for me to think what do I want because being with him was what I wanted. I don't want to be doing this forever. Something has got to give, it feels like I am just waiting for him to get a girlfriend.

 

It felt like a relief in a way. To know he won't be contacting me. I feel as though I've embarrassed myself enough in front of him and his family these past years!

 

X

[geegirl]

Yep, and it was on New Years eve, a little after midnight. I didn't get out of my bed for a week. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and never wake up. Therapy helped me a lot along with all the other activities I forced myself into. Trust comes back when you've healed, and when that person doesn't rent anymore space in your brain and heart. You will open yourself up again to the possibilities, willingly. It will come to you naturally. Yes, you will be cautious but you will be open to it.

 

It's hard for you to think of what you want or imagine the perks of a healthy relationship because you've been consumed by a toxic one and you've settled for so little. Being with him was what you wanted? Think about it. Really? Imagine the traits and qualities of a loving partner and then see if he checks all on your list. Now ask yourself if that is what you wanted.

 

He doesn't get to control your life and the path you choose. Waiting for him to get a girlfriend? He did but you still kept being with him? Right? So now, you take control and break away from his chains. You determine that this is enough and you find YOUR reasons to move forward. You are no more and extension of him. You are your own person. With you own wants, needs, dreams and goals. Don't wait for him to let you go.

[Honiebee]

I think it's impressive you stayed in bed only a week. Those kind of things really are fight or give up and give in. This forum is full of so many strong people.

 

I wish I hadn't been messing around with him whilst at university. I had a perfect oppurtunity to grow and change and become myself, but didn't take it.

 

I know it is silly to have regrets though. I wouldn't like to say I regret it because everything you do makes you who you are. Maybe that's a silly view to have, as you could also say I've wasted years.

 

I have made a small 'Wish board'. With smaller, easier wants on there- make a new friend, go to a new city, read a new book etc. Bigger things on the other side to work towards. My own apartment- where i don't have to share the bathroom with people on my floor- to go travelling and maybe learn a new skill. It is hard to throw myself totally in to everything though, as he is still a prominent figure in my head.

 

I am fine as long as he doesn't contact me. Once the first month is over, I think I will be breathing and sleeping much easier Ggirl! x

[FailedFirstLove]

A bad thing most of the time in my opinion... Not only does it cause stress

On you but damages the relationship. You might think oh it's only cause I really care and love him. But he thinks u don't trust him.

[geegirl]

I think I had to get up because I was reeking. I couldn't stand my own filth! Otherwise I would have stayed in bed longer. It was hard to even put toothpaste on the toothbrush.

 

This was the lesson you needed to start focusing on your life again and this will be a life lesson that will help you make better choices moving forward. With pain comes growth. You will grow from this so don't view it as regretful. As you said, "this forum is full of strong people." We all didn't get there through happy times and fulfilling partners. It all comes from painful places and mistakes made.

 

Great, Honie. Yes, small accomplishments and goals and grow them as you go. You'll see that when you achieve things on your small wish board, you'll start feeling accomplished and that will push you to want better and more for yourself. You are on the right path.

 

If he contacts you, come here/step back and don't react. Ask yourself rational questions:

 

1. Why is he contacting? He wants sex.

2. Maybe he loves me? If he did, I wouldn't have spent 4 years in pain.

3. Maybe if I see him just one last time? Why, so that he can f*** me and toss me like he's done all the time.

4. If I contact what will happen? I could get sucked in again and keep suffering in this cycle. Nothing changes. I have to make a change.

5. He may want to tell me he's changed? He hasn't changed in 4 years. Do I really want to be with someone that abused me this way?

 

Something you need to be prepared for. Plan what you will do if he contacts. Write out your plan as to how you will stick to NC if he comes calling, because he will.

Edited January 8, 2013 by geegirl

[stevie_23]

In my humble opinion and just in terms of how I feel about this stuff, I find paranoid / angry / indignant thoughts STRESS ME OUT and make everything SO much harder to deal with.

 

When my thoughts turn angry at my ex or I make assumptions about how he feels or what he’s doing (based on virtually nothing, or incomplete information I’ve obtained from online, etc) it makes my chest hurt, makes my stomach churn and I get SO tense.

 

I much prefer to try and be understanding of him and his actions and possible feelings. To believe he loved me, perhaps still does, to try and not make excuses for his behaviour but to understand him, as I felt I understood him for the almost 2 years we were together. Again, it is not in any way excusing or justifying his actions, but it simply makes ME feel better. More at peace, as difficult as that is to feel right now.

 

The sadness and feelings of being abandoned and alone are hard enough without adding anger and stress to them, you know?