BUBS Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 This has been the hardest three months of my life, and that is saying a lot because I have been through things that should have affected me a great deal worse than this has. I still have a long way to go, a whole lot of accepting and healing. Sometimes it feels like I'm on such a rocky path that I just want to sit down and wait to die, looking ahead it seems like it is going to get a great deal worse before it gets better in some respects. I had to go down to Houston for business, a town him and I lived in for 2 years and got engaged in before moving 5 hours away together. It was an interesting week when it came to emotions. I was very up and down, but I found that being in a place that wasn't where I live also lifted me up a bit. Being back home again living in my families house has hindered my thought process a lot, thinking about it's permanence, it is a constant reminder that I am not self sufficient enough now after having a joint income for so many years to survive on my own. I thought that going to Houston would break me, and I realized I feel 10 times worse being 2000 miles away back home. Maybe I found a falsified hope in being that close to him, but it certainly has been shattered now. While in Texas one of his friends texted me to tell me that his grandmother was in the ICU and they didn't think she was going to make it. Of course no contact is the best way but I made a decision to call him and do my part, his grandmother is a wonderful woman and was always thoughtful and kind to me. He was polite, filled me in on what I needed to know and oddly enough said that he might have had to come to Houston and if he did asked if I wanted him to bring my dog to see. I declined, I knew that seeing him would set me back since even speaking to him on the phone did, however I asked him to keep me posted on his grandmother. Later that evening he texted me and said that he was not coming due to work and bad weather, but thanked me for being "caring and compassionate" and then filled me in with how our pets are doing and sent a picture of my dog to me. I responded and he didn't reply back. I was a little bothered by his lack of reply but not as much as I would have been a month ago. This happened on Friday. On sunday evening before leaving Houston I texted him "how is she doing?"... he did not reply to that either. Today after a grueling airport trip I got a letter from the internet company that we shared in my name to transfer it to his name, I guess he did this without my knowing. While it's for the best to not have a constant reminder it still stung abnormally to see his name on that paper... to remember times when we both would sign things to build our life together, not separate it. I texted him to find out if I'm supposed to mail the paper to him for sign or directly to the company, he did not respond to that either. So I'll update on how I am doing. I am absolutely healing, but I think that this version of healing is more just being too occupied trying to reestablish what little life I have left to think about it.When I do think too much about it, or have too much free time, I still feel as much pain as I did before, if not more with the fact that it dawns on me how long it has been, and how I'll never have it again, however I'm hoping that eventually by creating a routine without him, getting used to not having those phone calls, that love and comfort in general, I will actually heal entirely. I've been blaming myself for things I can't change, and blaming him for things he cannot change. I love him, despite all of the bad... but I am slowly beginning to see that it is important for me to set the bar higher for my next relationship and learn from my mistakes. I hope one day I can be grateful for him leaving me, that it has and will continue to push me to a place where I have to dig deep within me to understand my own individual purpose. My relationship with him has changed my morals, my values, and what I want out of life, as I was raised in a fast paced lifestyle and always strive(d) for financial success, the hustle and bustle and he introduced me to a slow paced southern lifestyle where family comes first. I've adopted those qualities and learned that with my anxiety, the life I chose to lead with him, is possibly the life I may want to lead on my own for a little while at least. Some days I don't cry now, some days I do. I still think about him all the time, but the thoughts are more hazy, more of a feeling of pain mixed with missing him. I realize that I am in no place to replace him as I've been looking everywhere for a man to fill his shoes, however I've basically been looking for him in all of these men. I don't know if I'll spend the rest of my life looking at him as "the one"... I hope I can change my mindset on that. However to all of you coping on this forum, I can say that it does get better, from past experiences and this one as well. In 3 months I am finally starting to get back up slowly but surely, not because I want to, but because I have to. I'm starting to think about what I want, but not jumping into anything because I'm noticing that a lot of the things that inspire me now are things that directly correlate to him and I want to make sure they are what I want and not what I think he will want. Today is a really bad day for me, but some of the days these past few weeks have been ok and that's what matters.
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