Author MsOptimist Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Yup,didn't mean the married ones were options...just all of the other good ones! Yes the personality tests are usually spot on and good indicators as to how you will be seen by others.I score as you do as well. Also you are fortunate that your XH was at least willing to concede the point of your intuition being accurate.My STBXWW would never agree that I had anything good about mine!!! REVITUP Fellow INFJ? Rereading all of that information again put the past several months into perspective. Trust me, I am surprised that my ex concedes that I was right about many things. Once he began dealing with everyone he still concedes that I was right all along - while it's nice to hear that he realizes it, it's still too little too late. He is realizing the quality that he so easily tossed aside! Thanks for the advice, trippi - it is a good lesson lately on how to strengthen my boundaries. Honestly I don't feel like I'm interacting with men any differently than when I was married, but the reaction that I get from them feels different, if that makes sense. Some know that I am newly divorced and some do not.
Steadfast Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) The strange part for me is the subtleness - I can be pretty naive and I probably have been... The art of The Hunt has been refined Ms.O. No matter what we might imagine, the 'hit it-n-quit it" philosophy requires a very subtle approach. Even those aware they're being used need *some* friendly compliments and interest so they can (at least) pretend they're not being used. Many men want to find out if your desire for attention, excitement and sex is stronger than your disdain for liars. They're feeling out the situation to discover if your damaged self esteem and/or need for revenge can be used to their advantage. If it can feed their own lacking. Will you take the bait? You may be single and divorced, but inside, you are still married. You mention your ex on many of your posts. This is normal, post-divorce emotion. You probably feel a little guilt thinking about having another relationship and still, deep down, expect others to respect love and commitment the way you respect it. But many don't. You are young, attractive, and newly divorced. A prime target for creepy predators. There is a certain sweetness in being a little naive. Some people get intensely jaded after experiencing post-divorce-relationship fallout. I hope you don't. There's a fine line between caution and contempt. More than anything, just give it time. Let yourself exhale. You've been through a lot. Edited May 15, 2013 by Steadfast 2
trippi1432 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Thanks for the advice, trippi - it is a good lesson lately on how to strengthen my boundaries. Honestly I don't feel like I'm interacting with men any differently than when I was married, but the reaction that I get from them feels different, if that makes sense. Some know that I am newly divorced and some do not. Ah, I think I get what you are saying and Steadfast hits on it too. Interacting with these men in this social setting with the mindset of still being married means YOU are approaching it as platonic. It's the reaction, or perhaps the "oh, you're divorced?" question/reaction that sets things to "uncomfortable" perhaps? This is actually natural Ms. O, in what you have just gone through. It's part of the process of figuring out your mindset. I think if this is where you are at, in figuring out the moving forward part, your introspection In this is refreshing. It's more getting to enlightenment rather than being jaded, as Steadfast points out.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Ms. Or Mrs. O depending, i read through the original post, and although i may not remeber anything and i want to avoid seeming like an a'hole. Wtf? Your husband from what i gathered through the remaining post is devastated. You see things through a lens of "what he has done" not what hes doing now. Your letting your self-worth marginilize his efforts. First those who marry, dont want to divorce. Resentment is a choice and this other dude although it may seem wonderfull to you is doing what may or may not have at the beggining of your relationship. In actuality who cares. Why compare? People have a problem today. They cant see past their own hurt and dissapointments. They dont think enough beyond themselves to see the problems they have made. This self-validating expirience of a personal ego trip of going on dates while married to regain refreshing expieriences lost in a marriages subtracts what you could have in your own. So no your marriage isnt a pile of crap. Its a marriage. It takes two. Sure your husband may have wrote a bad email or two. But the man was confused. Probably tore him from his fibers and left him all emotional -acting in the way of mixed signals. First he wants to reconcile then hea mad. Hell yeah hes upset. Whether it means anything to you or not your out there with another dude havinh a hay day. Your husbands still lost. When people are heated they say dimb things and keep on mounting hurt on an otherwise good marriage had they BOTH not put it to shame for what a marriage should be. I think you should always listen to what a person has to say without a lawyer. Lawyers want pocket money they dont give a damn about you or your marriage. They are in the middle stroking the wallet seeing what more they can pull out. I am not for sure on this but although you may or may not have had sex woth this other man when your relationship becomes more solid guess what. Youll be talking about bills and you and him will mount up frustrations and if you couldnt handle the problems in one marriage what will you be saying 9 years from now about this other man you arent saying about your husband now? Man this is allll crazy. You seem to be filling your head with you and hell yes your husband wanted to watch that movie with you. Maybe he hasnt watched ot in a long time but to remeber it after nine years it must have meant something to him to watch it with you, the person wanting the divorce. A man trying to get back into your life. You must be pretty speicial to that man but you cant see it because youve grafted a lens over your eyes that dismissive of anything your husband is saying. Dearest OP you are eradicating the hope for your marriage. The hope that man has. Sure all men can say nice things. If your husband was as bad as you make him sound you wouldnt have married him. He must of had something that attracted you. But whatever. Today marriage is just a statistic divorce attorneys get ready for.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Man im gonna say some real stuff today and i dont care who likes hearing it or not. First let me say this anyone who congratulates a divorce. You got some real issues. STAY single no one needs that in their life. Second does the OM even know your married? If he does and hea telling you he loves spending time with you - yeaaaahhh hes a good man alright. Someone who takes advantage of marital problems knowing full well how a women feels. Thats definately the man you should be in a relationship. If you havent told him shame on you for deceving him. Any man who is willing to be part of a married womens life who is seeking divorce or not, in my book has REAL issues your husband doesnt. And all of you praising this women on her divorce unless she was repeatedly beaten and had her head dragged actoss the walls everyday. Man you are all just singing the songs of the devil. I know people would like to hear your getting divorced and thats the right choice. Ears begging for any approval to feel less guilty. As long as it is up to you be at peace with everyone. Ill tell you what ID do if i knew a women was married and we had been dating. Id tell her lets go for a ride in my car. If i knew where the husband lived or found out guess where we would go. Id make that women apologize or embarass her to an extent unfathomable what she deserves for what pain her husband is going through. Then id politely tell the man not to be angry with her. Id tell her to be honest with herself. Look in the mirror inside your heart and compare your actions with what choices you know are right. Then id leave forever! Ms.o is you filed for divorce not sure your divorcing yourself. How easy is it for two people to forget about eachother and stroke their own egos and tell themselves this person doesnt deserve me. No one wants to come forward and aay hey, this is why im a prick. This is what ive done wron to you because thats to hard. Easy street is opening yourself up for relationship buisness when you know your married to please no one but yourself. You want to know why a women wont talk to you men after or while a divorce is going on. Heres the truth! They have brushed their egos over with a fine tooth comb and exonerated themselves of any guilt. Compromised your marriage filling their lives with all the pleasures LIeNG to themselves and saying that they are such an important person they dont have to listen to you anyway. Their ego and self esteem has been so overly exageratted and they have so quickly been living a live moving forward from you they cant even hear or see you anymore. They have satisfied all their wants so they label you under "dismiss" and walk away. Man no wonder marriages fail. Anyone who approves of divorce except unless that man poses an absolute threat to you life ill say it again. You arent even mature enough to be married. If you cant be honest with yourself you can be honest with no one! Not one single person and your whole life is a lie. Theres only one thing to do to avoid further heartbreak. Accept who you are , do an about face and run from the person you are becoming! Thats the only way to be happy. Ms o you dont want to be jaded? Stop jading yourself
Simpleoldschool Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Man im gonna say some real stuff today and i dont care who likes hearing it or not. First let me say this anyone who congratulates a divorce. You got some real issues. STAY single no one needs that in their life. Second does the OM even know your married? If he does and hea telling you he loves spending time with you - yeaaaahhh hes a good man alright. Someone who takes advantage of marital problems knowing full well how a women feels. Thats definately the man you should be in a relationship. If you havent told him shame on you for deceving him.I know what he would do if he was a good man and found out. Hed walk away not matter how much fun hes had being toghether with you. Good men dont wine and dine another mans wife. Plain and simple. Any man who is willing to be part of a married womens life who is seeking divorce or not, in my book has REAL issues your husband doesnt. And all of you praising this women on her divorce unless she was repeatedly beaten and had her head dragged actoss the walls everyday. Man you are all just singing the songs of the devil. I know people would like to hear your getting divorced and thats the right choice. Ears begging for any approval to feel less guilty. As long as it is up to you be at peace with everyone. Ill tell you what ID do if i knew a women was married and we had been dating. Id tell her lets go for a ride in my car. If i knew where the husband lived or found out guess where we would go. Id make that women apologize or embarass her to an extent unfathomable what she deserves for what pain her husband is going through. Then id politely tell the man not to be angry with her. Id tell her to be honest with herself. Look in the mirror inside your heart and compare your actions with what choices you know are right. Then id leave forever! Ms.o is you filed for divorce not sure your divorcing yourself. How easy is it for two people to forget about eachother and stroke their own egos and tell themselves this person doesnt deserve me. No one wants to come forward and aay hey, this is why im a prick. This is what ive done wron to you because thats to hard. Easy street is opening yourself up for relationship buisness when you know your married to please no one but yourself. You want to know why a women wont talk to you men after or while a divorce is going on. Heres the truth! They have brushed their egos over with a fine tooth comb and exonerated themselves of any guilt. Compromised your marriage filling their lives with all the pleasures LIeNG to themselves and saying that they are such an important person they dont have to listen to you anyway. Their ego and self esteem has been so overly exageratted and they have so quickly been living a live moving forward from you they cant even hear or see you anymore. They have satisfied all their wants so they label you under "dismiss" and walk away. Man no wonder marriages fail. Anyone who approves of divorce except unless that man poses an absolute threat to you life ill say it again. You arent even mature enough to be married. If you cant be honest with yourself you can be honest with no one! Not one single person and your whole life is a lie. Theres only one thing to do to avoid further heartbreak. Accept who you are , do an about face and run from the person you are becoming! Thats the only way to be happy. Ms o you dont want to be jaded? Stop jading yourself You see men its much easier for a women to handle divorce. More friends telling her its ok because of their horrible relationship advice and negative insights. Their social outlets are bigger and filled with the "ok" do what you want to now. Thats not acting like a spouse thats acting like a single, self-absorbed person. Im out for me. Not my marriage. Not my kids. Not my husband. He said mean things to me so ill be the person who tells me im always important. Ill tell you ALL something. The only true person who can deal with you, is yourself. It takes a lifetime to learn to live with someone. To love them how you are suppose to. In order to love someone how you are suppose to you have to make all the mistakes you possibly can to know all the wrong choices and the right ones. We all are imperfect. Broken shamefull people. But hey we all have to loOk in the mirror. Your husband can only learn through his mistakes not be one. You are punishing the **** out of him for something hes trying to fix and telling him its too late at the best time in your marriage when hes realized what hea done wrong. Im sorry but you sound hell of selfish. If there are children involved in this maaaan im going to pray their little hearts and souls do not break. Kids after a divorce are jacked for LIFe. Your teaching them that now its ok to have another mommy and daddy. Daddy number 5. You want your husband to overlap every one of your needs whole outsourcing any of his. As kids grow through the years and understand what divorce is and was and what it did to them it produces a society of now grown adults who dont give a damn about what marriage is. They are now like everyone else out for themselves. Breaking hearts. Putting their parents teachings to work into their own lives. You really think its ok to teach a child that its ok to have more daddys and mommys. Man get out of my face with that. Kids need. KIDS need. If you have kids it AINT about you and its funny that single mothers will realize that but tale the biggest need out of their life THE ACTUAL father. You can paint a picture and say it looks pretty but its not. I pray for the husband caught in this web. Since he doesnt know where he is right now. Since he lost a wife that USE to tell him she loved him and pulled all the plugs in his heart that put it on low battery life. I swear man i am NEVER getting married again. I see it all over thos forum. Broken hearted En and some honestly broken hearted women. But i also see alot of lies and the DEVIL himself in the details. I realize now more than ever what this country needs. Needs less tv. People actually need to know what REAL needs are. Marriage probably work in third world countrys. Cant afford a divorce they learn how to work out their issues. The wife realizes she NEEDS the husband because his hands work hard to feed hungy mouths. 1 adult plus children. The husband knows he needs the wife because he isnt strong enough to do it all by himself and thanks her for the biggest reason a husband will his wife. Her DAMN support and the kids learn who they are suppose to be. The sons a good man to a GOOD WIFE and the daughters a good wife to a DAMN GOOD man. Ill tell you all something and QUOTE me next time. Someone who thinks you are WRONG for them isnt RIGHT for you. Man take it back to the fifties! When we understood what it was to need and not be overtaken by what we want. OUR WANTS OWN US! We as a society and as people married are all big FAT OBSSESSED with failure lovers of pleasure and money , vindictive and self-moral jerks! Edited May 15, 2013 by Simpleoldschool
trippi1432 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hi Simple, I've been reading your threads and your other responses on LS and my sincere apologies for what you have been going through. I had to go back and read through all three of Ms O's threads to try and understand your feedback and conclusions. I don't see where Ms O is acting out if resentment to a spouse that truly wants to save the marriage. He is the one who ended the marriage, has been seeing other people since January and filed the divorce. His "niceness" is typically short-lived when Ms O doesn't comply right away with his wanting to work things out. It's easy to say you were wrong for destroying a marriage and wanting your Spouse's heart back, it's harder to actually live by the words someone puts on paper when actions do not match. I myself, do not know how people say those words, I'm not in love with you anymore or I love you but I'm not in love with you and then move to a divorce. I've never uttered them in that context but have had them said to me while putting up with horrible treatment. Marriage is not about being 'in romantic' love all the time. It's a deeper love that transcends the material and the immaterial. When one spouse has no idea what that means or only knows love on the superficial level...utters those words and changes two people's lives forever, they reap what they sow. It's not resentment in my opinion, Mr O has created a deep chasm of mistrust in his inability to be consistent with his words or actions. Mrs O may keep an affinity for him in her heart or she may not, it's her hearts choice as the decision was not on her, but the decision she makes now is FOR her. If nothing else, a good lesson for people who callously throw out the I love you but am not in love with you speech, when you let someone go that you say you aren't in love with, they don't have any obligation to take you back. Mr O, if I am off-base on any of that, please let me know as this is what I have gathered from your threads.
trippi1432 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Honestly Simple - I would applaud your posts had you put them on Cozy's thread.
Author MsOptimist Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Um wow, Simple - did you actually read my initial thread that I started? Let me clarify some things for you: My EX-husband (we are divorced, he filed) blindsided me and treated me like GARBAGE. Couldn't get me out of my house fast enough. Was looking for 1 night stands on Craiglist and every single dating and casual hookup site since days after he dropped it on me that he wanted out. He was ADAMANT that he no longer wanted me - he literally said that he didn't love me, had never loved me, and did not value our marriage. The man was cold as stone. For MONTHS. It wasn't until I was moved out and we were 4 months into separation that he suddenly changed his tune and began trying to crawl back (do you see a pattern? Everything is sudden and when he wants it) - I'm sorry, but that's not acceptable. He has admitted to wanting to find something/someone better (he only admitted that 2 months ago), and when he saw that wasn't happening, he only then wanted me again. AND he continued to be on every dating and hookup site WHILE he was telling me that garbage. He said the words that he would be (finally) willing to try counseling, but those were just words. He backed out of that just like he backed himself right out of our marriage. The "OM" that was semi-seeing - I don't think I'd call him an OM, he has been a friend for years and yeah we kissed a bunch of times. Of course he knew my situation. Yes I was still legally married but by that point the papers were filed and underway and the marriage had been declared dead by my ex-husband. We are not still semi-seeing each other, we are just friends again and will remain friends. He played a big role in me being able to get over my ex-husband because that needed to happen. I never thought I would be divorced, but that decision wasn't up to me. That decision was taken away from me when my husband refused to try to fix our problems and he coldly walked out the door. I deserve a hell of a lot better than that. 5
Simpleoldschool Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Ill tell you all something personal, if my parents got divorced id be fileing for my own! But i am NOT! Divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. Ill tell you all something that you may not know! Marriage is a unioun! It isnt ABOUT you! Ill tell you something else anything other than telling your spouse you love need and appreiciate them is A REAL waste of breath! Marital arguments are a waste of breath! My mom and dad havent argued in over 7 years! Why! Because its POINTLESS to argue with someone you chose out of 6 million different PEOPLE. You are intrisicly evaluating the entire situation as if you knew what was right honey but only for you. That is damn selfish. Hes a HUMAN BEING you cant put expectations on a human they will always fall short ! Your over drafting him like an account without funds. Marriage was never about you it was about BOTH of you. Hes a person and unique in all his ways and speicial in everyone like your telling yourself YOU ARE! Im so tired of hearing bs betrayal! You are worth the effort you put into your marriage. The person who leaves is the worst person of them all. They are quiters. They are teaching themselves and little children how to make weak decisions. Not stick it out when the going gets tougggh. Man i hear those marriage vows obliterating your conscience. Think about THESE words after your done reading. For better or for WORSE. Rich of poor! Now tell me your a good person because your vows are telling ME something different! This all just sounds crazy. And dont blame your husband for moving its a choice you made. Not at his side! The last thing ill say is this and im outtie! You truely cannot BLAME another person for anything with one exception a threat to your life or your familys! A real threat as personal danger in which someone trys to kill another! And even then the man or women needs serious help to be overturned. Your help but from a distance. Im telling you. DIVORCE is wrong. Religious or not. Gods heart will break and his alter will be flooded with tears that you two just cant get along and be nice to eachother. You see there are two marriages i beilieve. The one down here the physical and the one decreed and sanctioned before a God that actually joins two people toghether. He watched that day when you said i do. When you said i do you said this is translation. I do choose to be with you despite you may be a prick. I choose to be with you even if you hurt my feelings, I do choose to be with you and i will call you husband. He had alot of responsibilitys to and has to make up for it. But ill be damned! Hes just some low life who put his heart and entire FAITH into a women who gos to YOGA class and tells him to get lost! Guess he has a reason to be mad tooo then!
Author MsOptimist Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Are you even reading your own posts in relation to other posts? I didn't leave my marriage, my EX-husband left me. I do not have kids so I am not sure what all of the reprimanding about kids is all about. Also, I am actually talking to my ex-husband and we have been working out where things went wrong. However, we are not getting back together. If you read most people's advice to me on this board (and to others), they don't think I should have any contact with him at all. I am trying to be a bigger person because I do understand that he didn't know how to go about the things that he was trying to do, and I don't hate him as a person. I hate what he did to me last fall, but we are both learning from it and learning how very different people we are. I don't see how me engaging him in that kind of behavior is selfish. I am a child of divorce, I know exactly how devastating it is. One day you will realize that decisions and situations are not always in your control, even decisions that are part of an agreement with another person, like a marriage. If one person is hell-bent on wanting out - guess what, the party who doesn't want out doesn't have a choice. I have witnessed what that scenario is like. 1
Simpleoldschool Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Ill tell you all something personal, if my parents got divorced id be fileing for my own! But i am NOT! Divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. Ill tell you all something that you may not know! Marriage is a unioun! It isnt ABOUT you! Ill tell you something else anything other than telling your spouse you love need and appreiciate them is A REAL waste of breath! Marital arguments are a waste of breath! My mom and dad havent argued in over 7 years! Why! Because its POINTLESS to argue with someone you chose out of 6 million different PEOPLE. You are intrisicly evaluating the entire situation as if you knew what was right honey but only for you. That is damn selfish. Hes a HUMAN BEING you cant put expectations on a human they will always fall short ! Your over drafting him like an account without funds. Marriage was never about you it was about BOTH of you. Hes a person and unique in all his ways and speicial in everyone like your telling yourself YOU ARE! Im so tired of hearing bs betrayal! You are worth the effort you put into your marriage. The person who leaves is the worst person of them all. They are quiters. They are teaching themselves and little children how to make weak decisions. Not stick it out when the going gets tougggh. Man i hear those marriage vows obliterating your conscience. Think about THESE words after your done reading. For better or for WORSE. Rich of poor! Now tell me your a good person because your vows are telling ME something different! This all just sounds crazy. And dont blame your husband for moving its a choice you made. Not at his side! The last thing ill say is this and im outtie! You truely cannot BLAME another person for anything with one exception a threat to your life or your familys! A real threat as personal danger in which someone trys to kill another! And even then the man or women needs serious help to be overturned. Your help but from a distance. Im telling you. DIVORCE is wrong. Religious or not. Gods heart will break and his alter will be flooded with tears that you two just cant get along and be nice to eachother. You see there are two marriages i beilieve. The one down here the physical and the one decreed and sanctioned before a God that actually joins two people toghether. He watched that day when you said i do. When you said i do you said this is translation. I do choose to be with you despite you may be a prick. I choose to be with you even if you hurt my feelings, I do choose to be with you and i will call you husband. He had alot of responsibilitys to and has to make up for it. But ill be damned! Hes just some low life who put his heart and entire FAITH into a women who gos to YOGA class and tells him to get lost! Guess he has a reason to be mad tooo then! Ill be honest with you, i feel weak in my chest because of this divorce and your husband does too. Its so easy to let the rip tide of emotions go in divorce. To hurt and say even more mean things too eachother . For your husband its because you are breaking his heart and he is frustrated having lost all control. You think he really wanted to say mean things. Evaluate how many mean things hes said against how hes trying. He asked you if your having a good life after you moved. Thats a damn good man and its a hurting one if i ever saw one. He was quoet in the lawyers office because he feels DEFEATED! Alone! Like his words dont matter to anyone he talks to. Despite everything. Hes losing his wife. Something very real to him and important although you may not see it. The man feels BROKEN! And most of all betrayed thats where the anger comes from. I know. Ive been there! He is all alone because despite what you may think you are the only one who can even make him remotely feel good about his life. How important you must be to this man that your words everyone of them are like daggers coming from every direction not hitting his heart but his soul because he dreamed a dream about a women who had YOUR name. Now he cant even close his eyes without thinking his mother probably should have aborted him!
Steadfast Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Im telling you. DIVORCE is wrong. Religious or not. Gods heart will break and his alter will be flooded with tears that you two just cant get along and be nice to eachother. Divorce is not wrong. The cheating that makes it necessary is. People have a God-given right of freewill. Some abuse it. Divorce is freedom from that abuse. Divorce is permitted by God to leave a broken marriage. From scripture. The rest; flooded alters and such, is dramatic embellishment. Not helpful, not accurate, not needed and in this case, not appreciated. 2
Simpleoldschool Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 My bad then. I must have misread. Than all the wrongs apply to him.
trippi1432 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Apologies Ms O...I meant to say Ms O on the last paragraph of my previous post. Not Mr O. Perhaps we should just call you Optimist.
Author MsOptimist Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 (edited) Apologies Ms O...I meant to say Ms O on the last paragraph of my previous post. Not Mr O. Perhaps we should just call you Optimist. I laughed when I saw that You were spot on in your summary of my situation, except that my ex had been dating a lot farther back than January. He began actively dating and hooking up (months before he filed) as soon as we separated, which was last September. Anyways, back to the terrifying topic of dating (POST-divorce) - Steadfast, your words on The Hunt scare me! Just the thought of people manipulating and preying on people to hit and quit - that makes me a bit queasy. You're spot on when you say that I expect others to respect a commitment. You are right though, in that I need to just keep focusing on myself and not think about all of this dating crap. And of course to keep my boundaries up and strong with any married men that approach me for more than a platonic friendship. You are also right that I'm still very much getting over the divorce, it's only been 2 months since it was finalized. I do still bring up the ex because I think about something in relation to the divorce every day - I'm not paralyzed by it anymore, but the thoughts are still there, especially as I move through different seasons/holidays and it's the first time experiencing them post-divorce. For example, this spring weather gets me down sometimes because I loved to garden and work outside in my former yard and now that I rent I have no yard to keep up myself. That's a lot of time that I need to redirect to something else, which is usually running/biking. I did get excited a couple weeks ago when I referenced the divorce in some way in front of some friends and one of my new friends said, "I had no idea you were married before!" I told her that made me happy because that meant that I haven't been talking about it a lot. New people that I meet often ask why I moved here, and I usually say it was to be closer to work (which is absolutely true). But then when they find out that I've worked in this area for over 10 years they ask why I only moved closer recently and sometimes I can't think on my feet fast enough to answer without bringing up the divorce. I try not to lead with that info. Edited May 15, 2013 by MsOptimist
Steadfast Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 You are also right that I'm still very much getting over the divorce, it's only been 2 months since it was finalized. I do still bring up the ex because I think about something in relation to the divorce every day - I'm not paralyzed by it anymore, but the thoughts are still there, especially as I move through different seasons/holidays and it's the first time experiencing them post-divorce. By what I've read, you're where you should be. That's why I'm drawn to your posts Ms.O; you express your feelings and emotions very well. You are showing a healthy mix of genuine sadness over what's happened and genuine optimism about what lies ahead. I've never been a proponent of 'faking it', yet we must (if we desire to be happy and productive) train ourselves to think positively when suffering through the kind of trauma and heartbreak divorce brings. Your steady climb upward reflects this effort. Two months is not long. Many suggest it takes roughly a month for every year married to approach anything resembling 'normal'. You have much ahead of you, including the inevitable 'meeting of the lovers' when you see him with someone new and vice-versa. When you can face that without feeling absolute dread, you're probably close to being over it. Those without kids might never have to face this. A good thing. I say keep doing what you're doing, including your posts and advice. It has been a very healthy, inspiring thread. No pressure though...don't feel you have to avoid LS if you're not feeling like superwoman. It happens. 3
Author MsOptimist Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 By what I've read, you're where you should be. That's why I'm drawn to your posts Ms.O; you express your feelings and emotions very well. You are showing a healthy mix of genuine sadness over what's happened and genuine optimism about what lies ahead. I've never been a proponent of 'faking it', yet we must (if we desire to be happy and productive) train ourselves to think positively when suffering through the kind of trauma and heartbreak divorce brings. Your steady climb upward reflects this effort. Two months is not long. Many suggest it takes roughly a month for every year married to approach anything resembling 'normal'. You have much ahead of you, including the inevitable 'meeting of the lovers' when you see him with someone new and vice-versa. When you can face that without feeling absolute dread, you're probably close to being over it. Those without kids might never have to face this. A good thing. I say keep doing what you're doing, including your posts and advice. It has been a very healthy, inspiring thread. No pressure though...don't feel you have to avoid LS if you're not feeling like superwoman. It happens. Thanks Yes, the primary emotion that I carry is sadness. Sadness in the bigger picture of not being married only once in my life and living a long life with him, and sadness over the upcoming dates and things that "should have been." Sadness that he has told me so many things post-divorce that he couldn't say while we were married or wasn't even aware of when we were married. Hindsight really is a b!*@%! I'm approaching what would have been our 10th wedding anniversary less than a month away. Thankfully I have an adventurous trip planned and that will be a good distraction. Ugh I'm getting all teary just thinking about that day and the previous anniversaries we've had. Before separation we had a few things in the beginning stages of planning for the summer and the fall - out of town races, another mountain climbing trip. I really need to find someone or a group to continue mountain climbing with, I was loving that in the past 2 years. In the summer we took a lot of family camping trips with his family. Need to find some people to camp with too It's strange and kind of surreal moving through the year with the thoughts of what was supposed to be and is no longer. I tend to post more here when I'm down or frustrated and it helps to get that out of my system. What is really fun in my life lately is exploring my new city - there is so much to do and it feels like there are endless things to explore! From restaurants to parks to organized group things. Being in a new and exciting place has been good for me and it gives me a lot of opportunities to try new things if I want to take them. I'm way out of my comfort zone, but I think that's a good thing right now. More like I'm finding my comfort zone within this divorce mess
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