Gunny376 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I'm at least proud of being able to recognize more red flags these days. I definitely want to have better boundaries in future relationships. For Real!!! Talk, talk and the talk some damn more! Communication is important even to the point of making yourself vulnerable and exposed to one another. Get any and all issues out in the open. Really get to know one another, and find someone that your compatiable or as compatiable and complimentary to and with as possible? 2
trippi1432 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I'm glad you can relate, trippi!! I certainly wasn't looking to meet men at the event last night, but I also figured if an opportunity presents itself that I might as well at least talk to people. After all, it's all a learning experience to meet new people in new settings and my main goal lately is to keep busy and keep broadening my social circles. But by the end of the night I left the event with a feeling of I know it's too soon for me to be dating, but when I do I don't want to just sleep around and date as many men as possible - that's just not me and it doesn't interest me. I'm also not all about an insta-relationship after coming out of a nearly 10 year marriage, so I'm not sure how to find that happy medium - but what you said about not wanting to settle down, and wanting to not settle, is a great way to put it. With the guy I was semi-seeing it was much different than meeting someone new - he was a friend for years and things are just so easy with him in terms of already knowing a lot about him and knowing that we have a good connection. I'm at least proud of being able to recognize more red flags these days. I definitely want to have better boundaries in future relationships. Actually it's not about sleeping around, that you don't do. Men can perceive it however they want to....that is their insecurity to figure out. Do not fall for those tricks of the trade. (Sorry, I hear BS on dating sites about women playing games and call that crap out...I take a posse with me if I meet a man on a dating site..It's also how I met my ex-SO..and he met 10 of my friends that night as well, and brought 3 himself.) A little intimidating..yep..that's because I mean something to other people besides him and his intentions. You have the right to date...to accept a male's company for dinner, companionship and comfort. You also have the right to do that with whoever and how many ever you choose, but you don't sleep with any of them. It's how you weed them out..the player will say you are a tease (and you will want to prove him wrong..don't...It will make him respect a good woman one day)...the needy, clingy dependent one will say you women are all alike...(let him wallow, one day he will respect himself and stop being a victim, you have no responsibility to him)..the one who will respect you as the woman you are and accept you as you..and you as him...that's the keeper. The thing is..he has to see that too, in himself because you can't convince him...that's the part that sucks in the dating world. 2
Shocked Suzie Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Actually it's not about sleeping around, that you don't do. Men can perceive it however they want to....that is their insecurity to figure out. Do not fall for those tricks of the trade. (Sorry, I hear BS on dating sites about women playing games and call that crap out...I take a posse with me if I meet a man on a dating site..It's also how I met my ex-SO..and he met 10 of my friends that night as well, and brought 3 himself.) A little intimidating..yep..that's because I mean something to other people besides him and his intentions. You have the right to date...to accept a male's company for dinner, companionship and comfort. You also have the right to do that with whoever and how many ever you choose, but you don't sleep with any of them. It's how you weed them out..the player will say you are a tease (and you will want to prove him wrong..don't...It will make him respect a good woman one day)...the needy, clingy dependent one will say you women are all alike...(let him wallow, one day he will respect himself and stop being a victim, you have no responsibility to him)..the one who will respect you as the woman you are and accept you as you..and you as him...that's the keeper. The thing is..he has to see that too, in himself because you can't convince him...that's the part that sucks in the dating world. Very true Im dreading the thought of dating although its the last thing on my mind atm anyway, but the thought of it I have a friend that has a different partner each week, i just couldn't do that...each to there own n all that, but certainly not for me! MO, great inspiring post...yours and many posts on here gives me hope, strength and courage xxxx thank you for sharing your journey 1
Author MsOptimist Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Time for an update. I saw the exH a couple days ago when we had to exchange a few items and decided to grab something to eat. He came to my place to drop off a couple things that I still had store in my old garage and we needed to discuss a money matter and I felt more comfortable being in a neutral public place. At dinner we actually had pleasant small talk conversation and I was ok with it. My feelings for him are such that I'm not getting emotional when I speak to him, but this interaction did bring on another slew of texts post-dinner of him wanting to reconcile with me again. He can't stand the thought of me disliking or hating him. Hmm, he really should have thought of that before he treated me like dirt! I know that everyone says that I should avoid him and not speak to him at all, and stick to business matters only, etc. I do that for the most part, but I have no problem being cordial and civil since I am still close with his family. I don't see any sense in making things awkward for everyone as long as it isn't setting my progress back. The texts about still loving me and wanting to reconcile don't really get to me much emotionally anymore. I'm still sad over how everything transpired, but there's no way to fix the monumental amount of damage that has been done. And a part of me is glad to know that he did actually love me vs. what he told me when the bomb went off. Occasionally we still have some conversations about understanding how we got to this point and those are helpful to learn from and gain more perspective. I'm not sure if I want to say this out loud, but someday I can almost envision us being friends again. I have no physical attraction or desire for him left, but I could see us as friends once the healing has been done. I don't hate him as a person, I don't think I could hate someone that I once loved so much, I hated his actions and how he did everything. He is trying to learn from this and at the end of the day that's what we all have to do. No more dating adventures - thank goodness! Man-friend and I are still friends but have cooled off on the dating thing, and that is ok. Life is just too crazy right now and I'm happy to have him in my life as a friend. I'm not putting myself out into the dating world - I've started to read a little in the Dating forum here and I'm pretty certain I am not ever cut out for online dating. LOL. And for right now I'm ok just figuring myself out on my own. I hope everyone else is doing well on their road to healing! 3
trippi1432 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I'm not putting myself out into the dating world - I've started to read a little in the Dating forum here and I'm pretty certain I am not ever cut out for online dating. LOL. And for right now I'm ok just figuring myself out on my own. I hope everyone else is doing well on their road to healing! I love your posts MsOptimist!! The best thing is, this time around in life, you get to pick and choose your own timetable. No need to ever rush into anything, and no need to go back to what wasn't working. The thing is, you can be just as happy by yourself as you can with someone else. They say life is short, get busy living it but you define what life you want to make YOU happy.
Shocked Suzie Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Hugs MsO well done your post bought a lump to my throat of sadness and happiness...so sad that it's come to this, but so happy that you have strength and are moving forward the way you now want to. This is one tough journey that's for sure
tinam Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Thought I'd update my situation since I haven't in a few weeks. First let me say I am SO glad that the holidays are over - Christmas was rough at times! But I survived and am continuing to hop over the hurdles that come at me every so often. Last I updated was that stbxh had been emailing me about a possible reconciliation. After I discussed this with my therapist (that it would take a LOT more than a few emails for me to consider that), I wrote him a response stating where I am - continuing to heal and figure out myself, and that I need to continue on this path. I mentioned that he would benefit from IC for the same reasons. I received a response back, within an hour or so, that was a COMPLETE 180 from his emails wanting to rebuild our relationship and reconcile. I got more blame on me - he blamed me for him being emotionally closed off, and that "of course" the marriage can't be saved and he's ok with that. He wants me in his life "to some extent" (gee, thanks) but he won't lie that he's been seeing "a few" people recently (post-separation). That email made me laugh and is proof of how all over the place he is. He even admitted that he doesn't know what he feels from one day to the next. Yikes - no thanks, and I'll gladly step off of this rollercoaster ride now! We had several exchanges over Christmas and that made the holiday tough. We did meet and talk face to face after Christmas though - and after I got some things off my chest that I had been wanting to say to him, we were able to communicate better and left on amicable terms at least. His major surgery is this week though, and I have a feeling he may turn up again in some form while he has lots of time on his hands to think while he recovers. I'm not going to worry about that though, it's not my issue. I'm continuing to immerse myself in my likes and hobbies and getting more into my own thing of living on my own. It keeps me busy. I've also done something that is usually advised against so soon after our separation and before divorce is final - paperwork has been started as of almost 2 weeks ago, he finally filed - I've been talking to and seeing someone a lot who I am very attracted to. I've even kissed him - and I loved it! It's someone that I've known for several years and have always highly respected, enjoyed talking to, and always found attractive. There was never any inappropriate relationship while I was married (he was too). We began talking more as friends after I moved, and things have evolved from there a bit. I didn't even realize he was always attracted to me too until we became closer friends. I'm not going to jump into a new relationship right now, but I really enjoy spending time with this person. It's showing me that I can connect with others again, and I haven't laughed and smiled this much in a long time. We're taking things very slow, but we both agree that we love spending time together and don't want to pass that up. We run together, go to yoga classes, go for coffee, lunch/dinner. He lives kind of far away so we don't see each other all the time, which I think is good because it still forces me to continue doing my own thing. Whatever this thing is has been like a bright ray of sunshine during this dark and crappy divorce. Im very happy for you with your new possible guy. God i can't even imagine getting to that point. My husband just left me 4 days ago and i still can barely breath . It was very unexpected. Weve been married 15 years of what i thought we were both happy. Turns out he hasn't been for some time and he cheated on me. Completly blindsitited! Who is this man i love so very much and played the happy husband so well. We were affecionate .The couple other couples hated. No clue he was unhappy or unfaithful. I don't see it possible for me to be trusting again. I was so very blind with him. I'll always be scared im not seeing the signs. Very sad .I have alto of love to give and i feel so broken.
Author MsOptimist Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 I have a little bit of a rant - all I seem to be attracting are married men I want to clarify that I am not dating, or putting myself out there to date, but I have said that I want to take opportunities that come my way and if I happen to meet someone, great. But so far, only married men seem to flock to me. It's causing me to step back and try to see if I'm projecting something, and at the very least I'm learning how to strengthen my boundaries. There are 4 married men that have shown quite an interest in me lately - and to be quite clear, I am NOT interested in them. If they were single, yeah I might be (they are very attractive and very nice and have similar interests), but they aren't single. Whenever I get into a new relationship I know it needs to be healthy. I know them usually through similar interest groups that I'm a part of, and they are either on my social media prior to the divorce or they find me and add me. No big deal, or so I thought, because they are also friends with the other females in the groups, and for years. Everyone is so friendly and nice and my goals are to broaden my social circles. Then the private messages start where they try to get more chatty. Then they straight up give me their numbers. A couple ended up getting my number for what I thought was a legitimate reason, until they began texting me and trying to get chatty and meet for coffee, etc. I am a naturally friendly and upbeat person. My friends don't think I am giving off vibes that I'm vulnerable and "easy," but it's making me wonder. I do feel as though I've gone through a bit of a transformation from the separation and divorce so many of my female friends have said how great and confident I am and look lately - they literally tell me, "divorce looks great on you!" During the separation I wasn't wearing makeup, wasn't doing my hair, etc. Once I got out of the funk a bit I did start taking more care in my appearance - I'm not fashionable by any means, but I am attractive and I began to dress myself up a bit with little touches once my confidence returned and began to take off more when I realized that the separation and divorce was a rebirth of sorts. I just don't want to give off vibes that I am cool with being the side piece to a spoken-for man. Ugh. I wasn't expecting this.
trippi1432 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It's nothing your doing wrong Ms. Optimist but could be that you are more at ease with married men because you have been talking to your own married man for a while. You have the boundary in your mind, the only vibe they aren't picking up on is that your ease to talk to means is not interest on your part...that makes you an easy target in their minds. Simply put, the next time a married man wants to meet for coffee, tell him point blank..I would love that, what's your wife's number so I can call her and arrange for us to to all get together, I would love to meet her. Strong message of your lack of interest and responsibility on their part to their spouse. Keep being who you are, you have every right to it and do things for you. 3
Author MsOptimist Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) It's nothing your doing wrong Ms. Optimist but could be that you are more at ease with married men because you have been talking to your own married man for a while. You have the boundary in your mind, the only vibe they aren't picking up on is that your ease to talk to means is not interest on your part...that makes you an easy target in their minds. Simply put, the next time a married man wants to meet for coffee, tell him point blank..I would love that, what's your wife's number so I can call her and arrange for us to to all get together, I would love to meet her. Strong message of your lack of interest and responsibility on their part to their spouse. Keep being who you are, you have every right to it and do things for you. Thank you, that makes me feel a little better. I have seriously been wondering lately if I am acting I appropriately because honestly I have always got along well with men in general. Lately in my interest groups I am making a point to try to befriend new female friends, but also male friends since it seems that everyone gets along with everyone. I have been being more forthcoming with bringing up their wives and children lately, that's been a new strategy of mine (along with simply not engaging in super chatty behavior, although I don't want to be rude). Because honestly with the latest one I didn't know he was married initially. He doesn't wear a ring or talk about his wife. He friended me on social media and even there it's not overtly obvious that he's married. I've done some online reading about this topic and people tend to suggest that the newly divorced woman is insecure and has low self esteem and the married men pick up on that as an easy target. I know my self esteem took a hit from the divorce but I'd like to think mine is still somewhat in tact, especially now that I'm past the divorce hurdle and beginning to move on. Edited May 14, 2013 by MsOptimist 1
Steadfast Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I've done some online reading about this topic and people tend to suggest that the newly divorced woman is insecure and has low self esteem and the married men pick up on that as an easy target. I know my self esteem took a hit from the divorce but I'd like to think mine is still somewhat in tact, especially now that I'm past the divorce hurdle and beginning to move on. But they don't know that. The men I mean, the married men. Allow me to apologize for my gender, at least those given to prey. Dogs, yet so many women swoon for them! This is why you might never meet the man you truly want or wish for. In this (dating) environment, good character is often rejected, scorned or ridiculed. Lots of really good men just lay low. You'll have to be careful, yet, not so much as caution rules your every move. More than anything? Don't get your hopes up too high until you're sure he (whoever he might be) isn't a complete jerk wad. A tip for you: Those men that truly are (jerks) hide it best. At first. Someone genuine might not come across as a smooth charmer at first. They have to warm up to that. A genuine man wants to know he isn't wasting his time on someone superficial. He doesn't want to get used any more than you do. Maybe I should start one of those dating tips websites? I'm good at this. =) 1
Gunny376 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It's nothing your doing wrong Ms. Optimist but could be that you are more at ease with married men because you have been talking to your own married man for a while. You have the boundary in your mind, the only vibe they aren't picking up on is that your ease to talk to means is not interest on your part...that makes you an easy target in their minds. Simply put, the next time a married man wants to meet for coffee, tell him point blank..I would love that, what's your wife's number so I can call her and arrange for us to to all get together, I would love to meet her. Strong message of your lack of interest and responsibility on their part to their spouse. Keep being who you are, you have every right to it and do things for you. All Day Strong advice! BINGO! BULLSEYE! No "Maggie's Drawers" there! (Marine term for "Total Loser" among other things) 1
trippi1432 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Maybe I should start one of those dating tips websites? I'm good at this. =) There ya go!! LOL!! I'd read it!! The dating world is vastly different these days even for the over 40 crowd. As for those nice guys Steadfast, those are the ones I prefer. But even those guys come with issues sometimes as well, ones that aren't about you but affect the relationship down the road, same as us women. (Ex-SO). Harder for all genders I guess with the baggage that won't go away. Not meaning to sound depressing but I went out with a new guy last week and we were discussing the dating world. He said what he found with dating being so hard these days was that women over 40 are either going through a divorce, finding themselves and wanting to party or not commit or they have been hurt too bad and don't want a relationship. I'm sure that there is some truth in that. I feel that the problem with men over 40 is that they are emotionally unavailable and most are scared of making a long term commitment to marriage again (although I would also say that I fall into this bracket too). Perfectly fine to live in the moment, but wake up one day and go "Wow! This might be going somewhere permanent....RUN!!" LOL!! Don't get me wrong, I might want to get married again one day...but it's really going to take the RIGHT right guy for me to get there. And no, it's not because I carry a list....the only requirement is that I know beyond a doubt he has my back and would walk over fire for me...and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, he's totally worth me doing that for him too. So....there we go Steadfast, my friend. What advice can you give us because any advice helps these days....I'd really like to hear from you on this. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 But they don't know that. The men I mean, the married men. Allow me to apologize for my gender, at least those given to prey. Dogs, yet so many women swoon for them! This is why you might never meet the man you truly want or wish for. In this (dating) environment, good character is often rejected, scorned or ridiculed. Lots of really good men just lay low. You'll have to be careful, yet, not so much as caution rules your every move. More than anything? Don't get your hopes up too high until you're sure he (whoever he might be) isn't a complete jerk wad. A tip for you: Those men that truly are (jerks) hide it best. At first. Someone genuine might not come across as a smooth charmer at first. They have to warm up to that. A genuine man wants to know he isn't wasting his time on someone superficial. He doesn't want to get used any more than you do. Maybe I should start one of those dating tips websites? I'm good at this. =) Omg! So much to look forward too!! I think I'm gonna hide and not bother lol!! ....MsO I'm dreading this :-0 what you have experienced would leave me feeling deflated and lack of trust big time! 1
Author MsOptimist Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 But they don't know that. The men I mean, the married men. Allow me to apologize for my gender, at least those given to prey. Dogs, yet so many women swoon for them! This is why you might never meet the man you truly want or wish for. In this (dating) environment, good character is often rejected, scorned or ridiculed. Lots of really good men just lay low. You'll have to be careful, yet, not so much as caution rules your every move. More than anything? Don't get your hopes up too high until you're sure he (whoever he might be) isn't a complete jerk wad. A tip for you: Those men that truly are (jerks) hide it best. At first. Someone genuine might not come across as a smooth charmer at first. They have to warm up to that. A genuine man wants to know he isn't wasting his time on someone superficial. He doesn't want to get used any more than you do. Maybe I should start one of those dating tips websites? I'm good at this. =) Yes, we need dating tips! And the male perspective is good to have. What you said is similar to what I am reading about these days - I feel like such a dork for seeming to be studying up on what the dating world is like since I've been out of it for so long! I've read to be wary and cautious of too much charm/passion. I hope the good guys don't lay too low because I tend to be kind of shy at first as well - how the heck am I going to meet the good ones if we are both laying low and being shy
Author MsOptimist Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 There ya go!! LOL!! I'd read it!! The dating world is vastly different these days even for the over 40 crowd. As for those nice guys Steadfast, those are the ones I prefer. But even those guys come with issues sometimes as well, ones that aren't about you but affect the relationship down the road, same as us women. (Ex-SO). Harder for all genders I guess with the baggage that won't go away. Not meaning to sound depressing but I went out with a new guy last week and we were discussing the dating world. He said what he found with dating being so hard these days was that women over 40 are either going through a divorce, finding themselves and wanting to party or not commit or they have been hurt too bad and don't want a relationship. I'm sure that there is some truth in that. I feel that the problem with men over 40 is that they are emotionally unavailable and most are scared of making a long term commitment to marriage again (although I would also say that I fall into this bracket too). Perfectly fine to live in the moment, but wake up one day and go "Wow! This might be going somewhere permanent....RUN!!" LOL!! Don't get me wrong, I might want to get married again one day...but it's really going to take the RIGHT right guy for me to get there. And no, it's not because I carry a list....the only requirement is that I know beyond a doubt he has my back and would walk over fire for me...and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, he's totally worth me doing that for him too. So....there we go Steadfast, my friend. What advice can you give us because any advice helps these days....I'd really like to hear from you on this. Oh no, I was kind of looking to date around 40ish (I'm early 30s)! My exH seems so immature, and I know that age doesn't necessarily correlate to maturity level, but I have been thinking lately to aim higher when the time is right LOL. I have always seemed to get along with older people, I tend to be more of an old soul, and I don't mind if a guy has been through a divorce. I have thought that knowing what it's like to have been through the ringer of divorce might be a good learning experience since I know that I'm coming out of it as a stronger person. And like you, I think I'll eventually get married again someday, but I'm not looking to jump into a long term commitment right out of a divorce. I'm also not the casual hookup type of person so I am a bit perplexed on how to date with that middle ground in mind.
revitup Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 MsO, You are obviously a rare commodity.Those guys that are married and still players recognize that quality.You have their number though.It's cool that you are so insightful about it all.You can pick and choose now. It is a good feeling though,kinda like when you have a pocketful of cash and look at an item and KNOW that if you want the item,you can have it,but you turn the item down and walk away. Be picky my friend,you have the power to decide now,enjoy! REVITUP 1
Author MsOptimist Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Omg! So much to look forward too!! I think I'm gonna hide and not bother lol!! ....MsO I'm dreading this :-0 what you have experienced would leave me feeling deflated and lack of trust big time! It is depressing!! Yes, it makes me have a lot less faith in the people that I meet and I don't want to become a jaded person. I feel like I am becoming much stronger and confident on my own, but then these instances happen that make me think twice. My girlfriends all tell me, "Oh you'll have NO problems dating whenever you're ready." I tell them, "Well so far, the only men that pay any interest in me are married men and my ex husband!!" (My exH is still trying to get friendly, he's even asked me on 3 different day/out of town trips recently - umm, no!!) When talking about insecurity, I am insecure about the whole dating scene and I still have fears every now and then of being alone for a long time.
Author MsOptimist Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 MsO, You are obviously a rare commodity.Those guys that are married and still players recognize that quality.You have their number though.It's cool that you are so insightful about it all.You can pick and choose now. It is a good feeling though,kinda like when you have a pocketful of cash and look at an item and KNOW that if you want the item,you can have it,but you turn the item down and walk away. Be picky my friend,you have the power to decide now,enjoy! REVITUP It's kind of funny that you worded things in this way - the other week I was talking with a friend about those Meyers/Briggs personality tests. We hadn't taken one since college psych and decided to take one again to see if we scored the same thing. I did score the same, and my type is the rarest type and known for being extremely insightful/intuitive, compassionate/empathetic, sincere, and known for being a "counselor" of sorts where people often feel comfortable sharing things with me and being drawn in. My exH always told me that my intuitions were always spot on (although he sure was able to blindside me well enough LOL!) Within the context of these married men it seems to make a little sense, especially since two of them have hinted at not being happy at home. And while I agree with you a little that it feels good to be able to choose, I don't feel like I have any real options because the taken ones are not options to me.
revitup Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Yup,didn't mean the married ones were options...just all of the other good ones! Yes the personality tests are usually spot on and good indicators as to how you will be seen by others.I score as you do as well. Also you are fortunate that your XH was at least willing to concede the point of your intuition being accurate.My STBXWW would never agree that I had anything good about mine!!! REVITUP
Steadfast Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) I've read to be wary and cautious of too much charm/passion. I hope the good guys don't lay too low because I tend to be kind of shy at first as well - how the heck am I going to meet the good ones if we are both laying low and being shy Laying low isn't necessarily being shy MsO. NOT being where singles traditionally meet might be more accurate. I'm not breaking any new ground saying bars and clubs are among the worst places to meet people, but they remain the social center for the majority. Chances are you'll meet a man more worthy of your attention where creativity and progress is being made. Even if it's at the local market. Look for the frozen dinners. =) These days, the relationship that is most important to me is the one I have with myself. Everything else just falls in place where it needs to and being with friends and having fun are more important aspects of living a good life than filling a "void". So I guess this guy was right in a way, not looking at settling down....mine is more not looking to just settle. Subtle difference, but perspective. You don't need dating tips trippi. Your 'living' tips are far more valuable. Edited May 14, 2013 by Steadfast 2
trippi1432 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Oh no, I was kind of looking to date around 40ish (I'm early 30s)! My exH seems so immature, and I know that age doesn't necessarily correlate to maturity level, but I have been thinking lately to aim higher when the time is right LOL. I have always seemed to get along with older people, I tend to be more of an old soul, and I don't mind if a guy has been through a divorce. I have thought that knowing what it's like to have been through the ringer of divorce might be a good learning experience since I know that I'm coming out of it as a stronger person. And like you, I think I'll eventually get married again someday, but I'm not looking to jump into a long term commitment right out of a divorce. I'm also not the casual hookup type of person so I am a bit perplexed on how to date with that middle ground in mind. Ms O, I don't know if age is really as much a factor when it comes to what you are looking for. Maturity is life experience, background, foundation...etc, not age.....for any gender. Figuring out the middle ground is about getting to know you, taking that time. There are a lot of challenges at any age getting back in that world. There's also going to be a lot of times you will think that you never saw yourself "here", but keeping in mind that all you have is time. Life is short...that's very true, but doesn't mean you are on a time-table. The right man will respect you and your boundaries and will be a man you can respect as well. (And no woman can respect a married man hitting on her...just gives you the creeps! Being someone who was cheated on previously, I typically am not very nice to those type of men.) Recently fired a bass player in the band I sing in for being a creeper. 1
Author MsOptimist Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Laying low isn't necessarily being shy MsO. NOT being where singles traditionally meet might be more accurate. I'm not breaking any new ground saying bars and clubs are among the worst places to meet people, but they remain the social center for the majority. Chances are you'll meet a man more worthy of your attention where creativity and progress is being made. Even if it's at the local market. Look for the frozen dinners. =) I definitely don't do bars or clubs! All of these married men find me in the groups that I am passionate about - usually my running/biking clubs. It's been a great way to meet more local people and get to know the area better on foot and bike - just wasn't expecting all of the married men attention! The strange part for me is the subtleness - I can be pretty naive and I probably have been, but all of the males and females are very friendly (not in a creepy way) with each other. They all have long standing friendships as well and it's not uncommon for friends of mine to run/race/bike with others of the opposite sex where it's known that one or both are married (and do so without the spouse). So that's why I think I was naive and open to being so friendly because getting to know all of these people has gotten me invited to more races and social events with people who do the things that I like to do and it's a healthier environment than a bar. 1
trippi1432 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I definitely don't do bars or clubs! All of these married men find me in the groups that I am passionate about - usually my running/biking clubs. It's been a great way to meet more local people and get to know the area better on foot and bike - just wasn't expecting all of the married men attention! The strange part for me is the subtleness - I can be pretty naive and I probably have been, but all of the males and females are very friendly (not in a creepy way) with each other. They all have long standing friendships as well and it's not uncommon for friends of mine to run/race/bike with others of the opposite sex where it's known that one or both are married (and do so without the spouse). So that's why I think I was naive and open to being so friendly because getting to know all of these people has gotten me invited to more races and social events with people who do the things that I like to do and it's a healthier environment than a bar. Ms O, don't feel like you have done anything wrong, the fact is you should just be you. When boundaries are being respected, people don't act on their feelings like that when they have are in a committed relationship. You do have to be respectful of married couples and not overstep a wife's boundary as well. Perhaps this is where you may find some discomfort? This might be interesting to you to read, a little remedial, but effective. ** On my "creeper", contact went from once a week to schedule band practice to daily contact initiated by him after he found out my ex-SO and I split up. Wanted to be my friend and if I needed to talk...etc. I continued a platonic path with him and he ignored my boundaries when I asked him to stop contacting me so much. When he sent me text messages from a co-workers cell phone in the middle of the workday to let me know he was working in the vicinity of my home, I put my foot down and no more trying to be nice. I was glad he didn't know my exact address as that really creeped me out.
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