Still surviving and trudging through

[Steadfast]

Mostly he wanted everything his way, and on his terms.

 

Sadly, the same can be said about most males...myself included.

 

But please remember, men are influenced from a very young age to take command. To be decisive and not be a pushover. Women generally say they want a strong, confident man, not too clingy...not too distant. It's a hard to reach that understanding. Most men miss the fine line between strength and selfishness and when called on it, they get angry.

 

I'm sure you can relate, given what you've written. The key I think, is being in a relationship with someone who cares. I mean, someone who loves and cares, but understands that happiness can only be gained by ourselves. Not our spouse. Like best friends who encourage each other. With the right person, it really isn't that hard. Love shouldn't be so hard!

 

No more looking at that garbage online - he is removed from my social media and we have not had further communication in about a week.

 

The longer you stay away and the less contact you have, the easier it gets.

 

I learned long ago that people -exes or otherwise- generally try to paint themselves in the best possible light. Double that motivation for those dating, or trying to. In your ex husband's case it seems to me he's looking for a regular booty-call partner; friends with benefits. Don't be surprised if he finds some willing participants. So many are gun shy...with 'needs'.

 

I don't see or talk with my ex-wife for months at a time, but I do get feedback from the kids. Especially our daughter, who if pushed, must admit to enjoying a little drama now and then. I consider the source, then remind myself how I got to where I am. The ex has set up house with her boyfriend now, and even after being in a great relationship for over three-years, that news was harder to digest than I anticipated. The 'reminding process' shows she's precisely on course...and it's none of my business.

 

Don't be surprised at the inevitable. Don't expect to turn off your emotions completely, even after years. Understand the difference between what the heart feels and the head knows. Most of all, don't let you become the stumbling block; your own worst enemy. It's harder than it sounds.

 

Isn't is ironic we learn more from mistakes that accomplishments?

Edited March 9, 2013 by Steadfast

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Ms. O!

 

Sorry you have had such a tough time lately. I appaulled you choice to schedule an end to the blues, and get moving again.

 

Know that you did nothing wrong...mistakes yes...we all do!

 

The throw blame-run game (lies...lies....lies!!!!) you viewed on the STBXH dating site, perhaps speaks to his inability to accept responsiblity for his behavior in the marriage.

 

No wonder he was seeking you to drive down memory lane these last few weeks because in reality his very one blame-run game....can not fully protect him from the truth of his actions during your marriage.

 

Darling, if he had your ablility to accecpt responibility for personal actions....things would be better but looks not he's not there yet.

 

So......do not put off your progress waiting for a rookie to master the skills of a pro like you.

 

In times of stress/depression/sorrow....a Lady must get on out there and DIVA down. Cry during the pedi/mani, vent while having a yummy cosmo, and during a run cruse his sorry ***.

 

Be very kind to yourself and take care. ~Mystery

[MsOptimist]

My court date is tomorrow, less than 24 hours away. It's in the middle of the day and I have the day off of work. I have tentative lunch/coffee plans beforehand, and then I have a small group of girlfriends that I'm getting together with directly after court.

 

I've had a nice weekend and I feel like I'm in the best frame of mind that I can be. I cry fairly easily and I don't want to break down and cry in court. I even went out and bought a nice new outfit - because dammit I will walk in there looking amazing with my head held high!

[TailSpin75]

Will be rooting for you tomorrow MsOptimist!!!

[MsOptimist]

Will be rooting for you tomorrow MsOptimist!!!

 

Thanks! I will post how it goes - hopefully it's just a small blip in my day. I have my lunch plans confirmed and I think that will set me in a good mood immediately before, and my plans afterward will be fun as well. These people always make me laugh and we have fun. I will focus on that tomorrow.

[TailSpin75]

Smarty planned day - I believe in your strength... look forward to a good post from you tomorrow!

[Mystery2Me]

Hello Ms. O!

 

Sending you only good thoughts and praying for your strenght. Celebrate yourself....Rocking that outfit. Know once more today, that you were a wonderful spouse even thru this process.

 

Allow and embrace the warmth and caring of your friends and loved today. You've inspired us all and we are so very proud of you.

 

Be very kind to yourself and take care. Only the best to you each and every day!

 

~Mystery

[MsOptimist]

I am officially divorced! Today has gone a lot better than I expected.

 

My lunch date was with my manfriend and it was the perfect thing to have right before court. We had a great time catching up and laughing, and he reinforced that I looked amazing today - always a nice thing to hear! I went to the courthouse feeling great and confident!

 

The EX husband (getting used to that term!) was waiting in his car in the parking lot when I arrived. We walked in together and he tried to make small talk. I was all smiles - today was the first day that I was able to not break down emotionally in front of him, and I'm sure it threw him off.

 

In the elevator he asked me how I felt about all of this regarding the divorce. I said, "Good! I'm excited!" LOL! That just came out! The whole time I had my head held high, and he even commented that I looked nice and asked if my outfit was new (I said it wasn't haha!).

 

When we were called into court the court officer had to ask us if we agreed on what was listed on the judgment proposal. My ex sounded like he was waivering but I stepped up and said YES, we agree! When we were waiting for the judge to enter it was dead silent and I think I heard his breath waivering and a slight sniffle but I dared not look over. I sat there with my head held high.

 

Our case was called first and I was so proud of myself for not crying! Afterwards we were sent to the county clerk office to pick up our copies of the final judgment - honestly that was the saddest part for me, being in that office together. I remember very clearly the day we went to that same office to get our marriage license. The office looks exactly the same yet so much has changed with us. Held back tears there.

 

We walked to our cars in silence and he turned and said he was sorry. I teared up a little and told him that this is what he wanted so this is what he got, and that I hope he's happy now. He hugged me, and then I went on my way.

 

Met up with my girlfriends next and had a great time! They look me out for a late lunch (I was surprised at how hungry I was today!) and wine and it was a really nice time with lots of laughter and confirmation that I am in a much better place and things will only get better from here.

 

Came home and journalled a bit to reflect on the day. Very pleased with how the day went and so many people have checked in on me and shown me how much they care - I am very loved and supported and I am grateful for that. I'm also grateful for all of the support I've gotten here, sharing stories and commiserating and growing together - it truly helps knowing that others have gone through this and come out on the other side!

[TailSpin75]

Sounds like an amazing day MsOptimist - congratulations and strong work!

[Steadfast]

I went back and read some of your old posts MsOptimist, including the first one. What's most encouraging about these is the honesty you exhibit, along with genuine humanity. Honest pain. But always...well, optimistic!

 

You've set a wonderful example.

 

Many pretend it doesn't hurt, or that the hurt isn't leaving quickly enough. You've remained consistent, with a consistently good and positive outlook. Even through the indecision, and worry. Dare I say it isn't quite over yet?

 

And since no one else has (that I've read) I will give you a minor scolding about your new 'friend'. Be honest; would you be as positive and upbeat without him? I can ask that, because I know you'll answer sincerely.

 

I've written this before, but since you're fresh out of divorce court I know you'll appreciate and/or understand my feelings when I was there.

 

Our divorce was uncontested, and since I filed, I was the only one that needed to attend. I thought I was strong...I thought I was ready, but I wasn't ready for the flood of unexpected emotion that flooded through me once I got there. I didn't get emotional (or breakdown) I just sat there. In a daze, seated with a view of the main doors. She knew what day (like you, she told me she was taking the day off) she knew where, and she knew the time.

 

I was sure she'd come. Bust through the doors and tell me STOP! Seventeen years. She was my bride. The prettiest bride ever, in my opinion. My strong love only grew stronger. The hall was full when I arrived, but I kept waving my turn. By 5:00pm, I was alone in the courthouse.

 

The judge stepped into the hall and called my name. As I walked towards her door, I saw sympathy in her eyes. "I don't think she coming." Isn't it amazing just how quickly the whole thing wraps up? Ten-minutes, tops.

 

Dramatic, but all true. Then again, I'm a silly romantic. We're supposed to stop caring and move on. I have, you are. But we leave more than our signature in that courtroom, don't we? We leave our hopes and dreams there too.

 

Well, at least the old ones.

 

A toast to your new freedom MsOptimist. It matches your class perfectly.

[revitup]

Congrats,You have now graduated.It looks like you have handled yourself with dignity and grace.This is great.

I hope to graduate soon as well.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

And since no one else has (that I've read) I will give you a minor scolding about your new 'friend'. Be honest; would you be as positive and upbeat without him? I can ask that, because I know you'll answer sincerely.

 

I've written this before, but since you're fresh out of divorce court I know you'll appreciate and/or understand my feelings when I was there...

 

Valid question and concern! Would I have been quite so upbeat and positive yesterday without my lunch date beforehand? I don't know, but I do think it contributed to my good attitude for sure - I wasn't even sure that I wanted to meet up with him that day, which is why I waited so long to even ask him. Previous times that I have had to drop off paperwork at the courthouse we have met up for lunch/coffee because he works in the same city as the courthouse.

 

Do I think that my good attitude overall is due to him? No. Yesterday's lunch date was the first time I had seen him in almost 2 months, and yes it was really great seeing him again. We talk very often, pretty much daily these days, but we are not dating and I am being very realistic as to what this is or isn't. I enjoy our conversations and his company, and I'm leaving it at that, and he knows this. I did not kiss him yesterday - could have, but didn't. Life is much too complicated for both of us right now (moreso him), so I am appreciating our friendship that I foresee continuing no matter what. He's been a friend for several years.

 

I had just as good of a time with my girlfriends afterwards and I don't feel that I'm looking to another man to fulfill my voids right now. I'm very aware and cautious about jumping into any relationship, I'd rather not do that - which is why I am kind of glad that the stars don't seem to be aligned for both of us right now.

 

The book that my therapist recommended talks about healing relationships. It says to not jump into a long term and committed love relationship right away, but that there may be healing relationships that are beneficial in the short term (that could be called rebounds) - the point about the healing relationships was to recognize any benefits from them (learning to improve communication, etc.) and have a realistic view that they will likely not be long term.

 

I'd be lying if I said that this thing didn't help me to get over my ex husband a bit more. I just see that as one more benefit to the timing of it all! This is the first time in 14 years that I have not been ridiculously attracted to my ex husband! His actions towards me have been the primary reason for me losing attraction to him, but in the beginning I was struggling to let go of those moments that lingered in my head at the end of the day, of cuddling in bed, for example. I no longer have any warm and fuzzy feelings about him since I've experienced that it's possible to be attracted to someone else again.

 

Thanks for sharing your courthouse experience - it sounds very similar! I think my ex husband expected me to jump up and object to everything, that is the impression I got. We also filed uncontested but we both had to be there. If I didn't show up it would have defaulted to his favor.

 

Did you initially want your divorce? You said you filed, but I'll have to look up your story since I don't remember the circumstances.

[Steadfast]

Thank you for responding to my inquisition MsOptimist. You don't owe me any answers, but I was anxious to read your thoughts. All very good.

 

I didn't want it. Distant wife had an affair, confessed, then wanted out. Simple as that. The harder I tried, etc. What was left to do but agree? That all sounds very gentlemanly and proper, but truth be told I didn't have any say in it. I was saying goodbye to someone who was long gone. I thought.

 

Typically, and as you experienced. my absence and lack of effort was noticed and reacted upon. Just enough to reel me in a little, but not so much to where she'd lose 'control'. When my actions told her living in limbo wasn't good enough, her animosity killed what little attraction was left. Still, I have learned that her issues were largely in place long before I came on the scene. She pinpointed me as the problem. I wonder if I was?

 

We don't talk, so I can't ask. Not sure if I would if I could. She is in another serious relationship, and I truly wish her the best. It'll be best for the kids.

 

That's probably why I posted and why I think your posts are so valuable. You have very clearly demonstrated what must be done for those who have no choice between marriage and divorce. Our choice? Fight for happiness, balance and love, or fall into the sink hole of misery.

 

Well done, in my opinion! Very inspired writing-

[MsOptimist]

I agree with you, Steadfast - no falling into the sinkhole of misery! That has been my goal from day 1 that I realized that I had absolutely no choice in being able to save my marriage. No choice but to pick myself up and keep going and create something good out of this tragedy.

 

It's interesting that you mention that your ex wife's issues were present long before you were in the picture. My therapist said the exact same thing about my ex husband. He met him once in the only joint session we had, and between that and what I've told him of our relationship and his family's dynamics, he's quite certain that his issues pre-date me. Not to say that I don't have my own issues, we all do - but it's how we choose to face them in these situations that matter.

 

Since I was blindsided and initially given no reasons that added up or made sense in the beginning, it has been interesting talking with my ex husband recently now that he's recognizing his own issues.

 

So many people have said, "don't even talk to him, don't respond, go no contact." I understand their point, and it is a double edged sword since the contact did hurt me at times, but it gave me the proof that I wasn't all to blame. Yes I am examining my role in the marriage overall, but in the end I was told so many awful things that I did question what was reality, and to know that I wasn't crazy and an awful wife was good to hear. From my point of view he chose to run away and had a great deal of issues, but I also didn't want to shift all blame on him or play a victim all the time.

 

So I don't regret my recent contact with him - if anything it was more reassurance that we had a very dysfunctional relationship and he continues to prove he's not serious about making a real effort to repair things with me. Therefore, the divorce needed to happen. It was a nice bit of closure, more than I expected to ever get.

 

I'm kind of surprised that I haven't heard anything from the ex - I was assuming I'd be getting texts by now. That's quite alright, I won't be contacting him.

[Steadfast]

Issues aside, we must face the reality that some spouses leave simply because they want to. My ex was scared and often needy after we broke.

 

But she never came back. or said she wanted to.

 

I often consoled myself by saying a lot of people didn't want to be with me, generally speaking. Yet, somehow I managed. I added her name to the list.

 

In the end, humility turned out to be a genuine bonus in my life. It makes us talk less and listen more, work harder, and be better people.

[MsOptimist]

So far so good in this first week of being a divorcee. When it comes up in conversation it's nice to say that I "got divorced" instead of I'm "getting divorced." And I'm getting used to saying ex-husband - not that I'm talking about him all the time, but it's those little things like saying ex-husband out loud that help me realize that it's now in the past.

 

Feels good to put the separation and legal process in the past!

[Mystery2Me]

Hello Ms. O!

 

I am so happy and proud that your hard work, honesty, and courage have allowed you to arrive at a place that is safe and peaceful after being thrown into divorce.

 

Excited that you defined success and made the day a beautiful celebration of your difficult journey on your terms.

 

Our stories are so similiar, and I to have Team Mystery all set, as my court date will be soon.

 

Also, I see nothing wrong and cheer your meeting your gentleman friend before court! Yes that's correct, we all need a bit of positive affirmation; especially for those of us whom have been forced into ending a marriage. Throughout you have taken the high road, even with your friend....so nothing work with enjoying yourself.

 

Continued happiness to you! Be very kind to yourself.

 

~Mystery

[RebuildingMom]

Ms. O - I just wanted to let you know that I find your posts very helpful. I saw you had posted a title of a book on TailSpin's thread. I ordered it and plan to look through it (and do the HW) since it sounds like the kind of thing I could use. Thanks so much for sharing.

[MsOptimist]

Ms. O - I just wanted to let you know that I find your posts very helpful. I saw you had posted a title of a book on TailSpin's thread. I ordered it and plan to look through it (and do the HW) since it sounds like the kind of thing I could use. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

Hi RM, I'm glad you ordered that book, it has really helped me.

 

In case others haven't seen that title in the other thread, the book is called Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. It's a very comprehensive book and walks you through all of the rebuilding blocks to get through this mess as a stronger person who has fully healed.

 

I've been doing a lot of the journal exercises in the book and it has helped me to see even more clearly that I have so many things to be thankful for in my life, and that I can continue to make choices to turn this all around.

 

This entire situation of an unwanted divorce and separation has been a nightmare that I never thought I would have to go through, but we can all grow and move through this.

 

Mystery - thanks for your kind words! Be kind to yourself too as your court date approaches, and know that we are all rooting for you and look forward to you being able to put this all in the past too. It is a strange feeling to now have that chapter closed, but we all know this is for the best.

[revitup]

Great outlook,as always with Op woman!

Good to see you happy.

 

Other than that....MANFRIEND:D

 

That's all for me today.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

Great outlook,as always with Op woman!

Good to see you happy.

 

Other than that....MANFRIEND:D

 

That's all for me today.

 

REVITUP

 

Thanks! I can't complain these days!

 

I was just filling out my vacation days for work for the previous 2 weeks - it took me a moment to remember that I took the court day off and that, "oh yeah, that was the divorce day." That is a good thing!!

[MsOptimist]

Last night I had my first taste in how awkward this dating thing is!!

 

There was a social event that I was interested in going to, and it was at a nice bar downtown. I had 2 potential girl friends interested, but they ended up not being able to make it. I go to things myself all the time, but normally it's a running thing or something kind of active thing - not something at a bar.

 

I figured it was a good opportunity for me to do something like that alone though, just for the experience, and since I was interested in the event.

 

I got there, got a glass of wine, and saw 2 other girls roughly my age at a larger table. I quickly got to chatting with them and was having a good time - always good to make new friends!

 

Later on an attractive guy asks to join our table as nearly every seat in the place was taken. After the event the other 2 girls left and the guy and I began talking more and he seemed very interested - but the more we talked the more I felt like, "oh my, red flags galore!!!"

 

Early into the night he mentioned that he was divorced - that's not a red flag for me, per se, since I think it would be nice meeting guys who know what this process is like, but I didn't think it was great to lead with that information. He also mentioned online dating, speed dating, and other things to clearly let me know that he was desperate to meet as many women as possible. He even mentioned that he had heard and wanted to find some weird kind of dating event where people smell pheromones on shirts that they slept in and put in baggies at this event and use that to find potential matches. And he forgot everything he had asked me when we all first introduced ourselves and proceeded to ask me all of the same things again after the other 2 left.

 

At the end of the night I thought, wow, if this is what the dating world is like, I am not very excited about it!! I think I'll stick to my running groups and hanging out with my running peeps

[trippi1432]

I totally get that Ms Optimist...the dating world is quite the enigma. I'm just stepping back into it after my first post divorce relationship ended almost 5 months ago, and I'm working on year four of being separated and divorced.

 

I recall a couple of years ago, I started chatting with this guy at jury duty. He was a local artist and we discovered that we had common friends in the local circle of artists. He seemed nice and I was just enjoying his company and talking and he mentioned he had been divorced for 10 years. I mentioned that I had been divorced for a couple of years. Then he said "Oh, you're one of 'those'". Hmm, felt like I was supposed to be ashamed for some behavior I wasn't even aware of....a big D on my forehead...I even excused myself to go check and ensure I didn't have spinach in my teeth or something!! Lol!

 

I did ask him what that meant, and supposedly we women who are newly divorced are wild women who just want to run out and sleep with as many men as we can, not looking into settling down. Well, he may have had the second part of that correct but I don't think it's just women who do that. At any rate, it was interesting and I remember thinking Wow, so this is how things are post divorce??

 

These days, the relationship that is most important to me is the one I have with myself. Everything else just falls in place where it needs to and being with friends and having fun are more important aspects of living a good life than filling a "void". So I guess this guy was right in a way, not looking at settling down....mine is more not looking to just settle. Subtle difference, but perspective.

[Gunny376]

These days, the relationship that is most important to me is the one I have with myself. Everything else just falls in place where it needs to and being with friends and having fun are more important aspects of living a good life than filling a "void". So I guess this guy was right in a way, not looking at settling down....mine is more not looking to just settle. Subtle difference, but perspective.

 

Totally agree. You don't have to be by yourself to be alone! As many of us "divorcee's" have found out by being hitched/un-evenly yolked with an incompatiable spouse!

 

At some point ~ be you a man or woman ~ but especially for men, as most women on some level already know this instuitively from an early age? But all the crap you've got to put up with, deal with, go through, have to listen to, choke down on? Simply isn't worth what little you get out of it ~ especially if sex is the one and only common varibale.

 

The trick is finding someone and they finding you that going to and who is willing to prepetually put with your crazy azz and all of your crap ~ and you they!

 

When that happens? Its Golden ~ pure 'gravy' for everyday for the rest of your life!

[MsOptimist]

I'm glad you can relate, trippi!! I certainly wasn't looking to meet men at the event last night, but I also figured if an opportunity presents itself that I might as well at least talk to people. After all, it's all a learning experience to meet new people in new settings and my main goal lately is to keep busy and keep broadening my social circles. But by the end of the night I left the event with a feeling of

 

I know it's too soon for me to be dating, but when I do I don't want to just sleep around and date as many men as possible - that's just not me and it doesn't interest me. I'm also not all about an insta-relationship after coming out of a nearly 10 year marriage, so I'm not sure how to find that happy medium - but what you said about not wanting to settle down, and wanting to not settle, is a great way to put it.

 

With the guy I was semi-seeing it was much different than meeting someone new - he was a friend for years and things are just so easy with him in terms of already knowing a lot about him and knowing that we have a good connection.

 

I'm at least proud of being able to recognize more red flags these days. I definitely want to have better boundaries in future relationships.