Still surviving and trudging through

[MsOptimist]

One step closer to being divorced - I filed my response to the summons today and all we have left is the court date for the final judgment and it's one month away!

 

As I've said before, the paperwork has emotionally drained me, despite the fact that we actually have very little paperwork. I don't know what has changed today - maybe simply being one more step closer to reality, but today I was ok with it. Walked into the courthouse and got it filed with no tears and carried on with my day. I even felt a little relief that it's one step closer.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the life that I want, and the kind of people that I want in my life, and knowing that I can make choices to achieve what I want feels good. I'm starting to look at the court date as the start of the beginning of the life that I want and not just the death of the marriage that I thought I wanted.

 

The other day I was going through some online messages and stumbled across a series of messages from 2009 between myself and stbxh. It disgusted me that I was trying to ask something of him, something very simple and for the sake of my feelings, and he was very rude and dismissive and simply didn't care. That only reinforced that that's not the kind of person I want to spend my life with.

[shalisha42]

One step closer to being divorced - I filed my response to the summons today and all we have left is the court date for the final judgment and it's one month away!

 

As I've said before, the paperwork has emotionally drained me, despite the fact that we actually have very little paperwork. I don't know what has changed today - maybe simply being one more step closer to reality, but today I was ok with it. Walked into the courthouse and got it filed with no tears and carried on with my day. I even felt a little relief that it's one step closer.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the life that I want, and the kind of people that I want in my life, and knowing that I can make choices to achieve what I want feels good. I'm starting to look at the court date as the start of the beginning of the life that I want and not just the death of the marriage that I thought I wanted.

 

The other day I was going through some online messages and stumbled across a series of messages from 2009 between myself and stbxh. It disgusted me that I was trying to ask something of him, something very simple and for the sake of my feelings, and he was very rude and dismissive and simply didn't care. That only reinforced that that's not the kind of person I want to spend my life with.

 

Hi. Thank you for sharing your updated info with us. I like the way you've reframed this whole thing! How positive. Yes, I find it helps when I re-read an old email exchange between myself and an ex or whomever it is I want out of my life and it reconfirms why I want them out of my life! That doesn't mean the grief won't come, it will but there's so much one can do to speed that up too. I'm glad you're walking through the other side.

[Caldespair]

MsOptimist

I think you and I have similar dispositions. Im taking the D harder then my sbxw and I have to put up my guard big time. I started reading a book today, it came highly recommended, and so far its great. Its called "getting past your breakup: how to turn a loss into the best thing that ever happened". Its the first book I have picked up a about this topic and it complements this LS site.

Sounds like you are doing great, keep it up.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Ms O!

 

Many congratulations....there you go! You've worked hard paying expensive emotional dues, and so much have earned your new address....Peace and Happiness, USA.

 

Thankful I am that dealing with the legal hurdles are not as emotionally challenging.

 

Another victory us the often mis-labeled "divorce-is-easy" group,a.k.a those BS with no children or burden of divisional items. However truth be told ease of the legal process is not a soothing balm for the emotional pain....still hurts like hell.

 

A extra special celebration is called reaching this milestone, whatcha think?

 

Thanks for sharing your success and take care of yourself.

 

~Cheers to you! Mystery

[MsOptimist]

Thanks, everyone. Caldespair, I will check out that book, it sounds like a good one. I definitely remind myself that these life changes are for the best and I can turn them into something positive - the power lies with me to CHOOSE to make it positive.

 

Yes, Mystery, a celebration is needed for these milestones! I'm still trying to keep things on my calendar regularly - last weekend I ran a race with a bunch of friends (and busted out a new personal record!) and then we met up for breakfast afterwards.

 

Kind of a funny story there - after the race I ran into one of my male running friends (who happens to be cute) and we snapped a pic of ourselves while we waited to find our other friends. Later that day he posted the picture on facebook. What do you know, about an hour later, stbxh posts a picture of he and a girl baking something at her place (well the pic was of just her - and the funny thing is that at a glance she looks just like me!).

 

This coming weekend I'm attending a large trail run gathering so that will be a chance to meet a lot of new like-minded people - always a good thing in this new lifestyle, my hopes are to keep broadening my social circles.

 

Have a great day, everyone!

[revitup]

MsOp,you are amazing in this thing.You have your dignity and you see the humor in the STBXH's moves.

 

It is wonderful to see you having a life and enjoying the journey.

 

As for the chick in the kitchen,she may look like you,but you are smarter....she still has to learn her lesson,you have already been to school on the journey she is just starting!

 

Keep up the great attitude.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

MsOp,you are amazing in this thing.You have your dignity and you see the humor in the STBXH's moves.

 

It is wonderful to see you having a life and enjoying the journey.

 

As for the chick in the kitchen,she may look like you,but you are smarter....she still has to learn her lesson,you have already been to school on the journey she is just starting!

 

Keep up the great attitude.

 

REVITUP

 

Thanks I certainly have my non-amazing moments, like even looking at his facebook page, for example. I know this is kind of shallow to say, but I also took pleasure in the fact that the pic of my running friend and I got tons of likes and comments. His pic of his new fling got nothing LOL. In fact most of what he posts lately doesn't get any attention.

 

And I thought almost the same thing about the girl in the kitchen - honey, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into!! Some of his girls might be stronger than I was for a long time - I see now all of the red flags I was missing or turning a blind eye to. I wish I could go back in time and be stronger back then, but I know I can only learn from my mistakes.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi MsO!

 

Well said by both you and Revitup! Nothing wrong with a bit of vanity, we all gotta a bit of our own back once in awhile.

 

Love it and enjoy this weekend's run! ~Mystery

[MsOptimist]

Just venting a little bit today. It's been one of those days where, even though the sky was clear and the sun was shining bright on this February day, I found myself crying while at a stoplight on my way home from work.

 

I got a letter in the mail today stating that my divorce court date has been pushed back 2 weeks. It's not a huge deal, but I have had the original date in my head for the past 1.5 months and to now that it moved further away was so disappointing. I feel like it's a cloud hanging over me and I just want it over with.

 

Right after I got that letter I got a message letting me know that a close family member is in the ER today - it's likely not serious, but of course that news upset me. I am not located near them though, so there is nothing I can physically do.

 

And I'm bitter with all of the love crap being spewed everywhere with Valentine's Day tomorrow. I know it's just a hallmark holiday but it's another reminder of my turn of events in the past 6 months.

 

So, in order to try to turn around my day, I got home, put on my running shoes, and ran it out for several miles. I wasn't planning on a run today since I had a challenging run last evening, but I knew the exercise and fresh air would do me well.

 

Tried to put everything in perspective:

- I can't physically do anything to help my family member in the ER, and thankfully it's not looking to be serious.

- I can't do anything about the court date being moved, just roll with the punches some more.

- Vday tomorrow is just another day that will pass.

- Be thankful for the good things in my life.

 

Mystery's words rang in my head to "do something to be kind to yourself." The run was therapeutic for my body, and I came home and spent some snuggle time with my animals, and I just baked a batch of cookies. Curling up on the couch for the rest of the evening to indulge in some TV and cookies - I feel better already

[revitup]

You're doing great.It seems like small things are a big deal sometimes though,I have actually gotten angry about the STBXWW this week....absolutely no reason at all.She hasn't called or done anything to bother us this week,I just got angry and don't know why.

 

I didn't do anything about it and it passed quickly,but wow,I really didn't know what happened until I was just angry at her all over again,go figure!

 

It's just one of those things MsOp.I think overall we are all doing great and I am proud of some progress in my life.Youare right about the Valentine's deal,it kinda sucks when you see all those giant Teddy bears,pajamas and huge delicious strawberries on the infomercials.They are everywhere!I had a text from someone and there were little hearts floating up my Android app!!!

 

I guess my point is that you are in good company,and we will all be better in the end.

 

 

Have a great night.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

You're doing great.It seems like small things are a big deal sometimes though,I have actually gotten angry about the STBXWW this week....absolutely no reason at all.She hasn't called or done anything to bother us this week,I just got angry and don't know why.

 

I didn't do anything about it and it passed quickly,but wow,I really didn't know what happened until I was just angry at her all over again,go figure!

 

It's just one of those things MsOp.I think overall we are all doing great and I am proud of some progress in my life.Youare right about the Valentine's deal,it kinda sucks when you see all those giant Teddy bears,pajamas and huge delicious strawberries on the infomercials.They are everywhere!I had a text from someone and there were little hearts floating up my Android app!!!

 

I guess my point is that you are in good company,and we will all be better in the end.

 

 

Have a great night.

 

REVITUP

 

I agree that sometimes the small things certainly feel pretty big at times!

 

I think unexpected anger coming out is to be expected from anyone in our situations. It's good to let that, and any other natural feeling, out. I'm sure it has a source even if it's too obscure or subconscious to realize it at the time.

 

The last couple of days have been more of a rollercoaster since I've also had contact with the ex regarding our dog. Just a few texts and the main thing that that brings up is how much I miss my dog (he's out of town for a few days, is boarding her close to my place so that I can see her when I want - nice thought, but I have little options to take her anywhere since I cannot have her in my place, against the condo rules).

 

I know that one option is to simply let go of my dog entirely, but I just can't do that yet. I am a HUGE animal lover and my dog has meant the world to me for the 10 years that we have had her. My heart just aches thinking about her.

 

He told me how "sincerely horrible" he feels that I have not been able to be with her. I told him that yes, it feels really horrible to lose her on top of everything else. He said he's "truly miserable" about that and would like me to be able to have her for weeks at a time. He hopes I am looking for a new place that will allow me to do so - I ended the conversation there as I didn't want it to go south. I am in a lease that I cannot afford to break, nor do I think I have a good chance at finding another great deal like I have at the moment (as far as location, rent, size goes). Up and moving again isn't something that I want to do as I'm just now feeling settled in my own place and being on my own.

[Mystery2Me]

Hello Ms. O!

 

Dear lady, I am sorry you've experienced yet another ride on the roller coaster. My apologies for my tardiness in singing you limitless praises...but this it's been a riot of a work week.

 

As you stated this is a dodgy business created by these loose cannons, therefore we can't forget we are human too.....and sometimes one must just act it out.

 

Do not apologize or fret about being angry, if for a short time you must embrace anger and frustration because it is a necessary part of the healing process.

 

Who's says the betrayed spouse can not be angry????

 

IOP too many over embrace re-inventing ourselves, instead of healthfully working thur our anger. Instead I'm keen about re-discovery which allows one to appreciate NOT disregard our well earned experiences while exploring new surroundsings.

 

Long story short, Ms O it's okay to be angry...and it's normal with respect to the circumstatnces. We've been wronged in the worst of ways....so yep we gotta get a bit of our own back.

 

Just do not (and you already called this out) remain angry, as it robs us of our future.

 

~Be very kind to yourself and Take good care of you. Mystery

Edited February 16, 2013 by Mystery2Me

[revitup]

MsO,I too am sorry about the roller coaster you are riding right now.The good thing is that all rides end.This one will as well.

 

As for the XH being so concerned as to your feelings about the family dog....He is full of it!He (IMHO) is simply saying he understands your pain of losing the daily companionship of your dog,while knowing your thoughts are also about all the other things you are missing because of the mess he has made.That's what I would be thinking about.

 

I may be wrong but I see it as being a "dig" at you by the X.

 

I say,MsO is stronger than to fall for that trick.MsO is moving onward and upward,with or without the X!

 

Keep strong.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for the votes of confidence, friends - I surely need them after today's mess. I engaged stbxh in a very long series of text messages today and it's been a rough day.

 

It began with messages about the dog again - and actually revitup, I was about to respond earlier that I felt that his messages about her were hinting at his overall state of mind these days, and I was right. I know it's manipulation to use my dog as an ice breaker or point of weakness, and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

 

Initially our conversation seemed to be about reflecting on our situation with the known fact that things were over and done - and it actually felt good to be talking about issues that we've both realized and things we've reflected on. It felt like a little bit of closure and good to "talk" things out.

 

Then it started to turn more into him wanting to reconcile and right the wrongs he has done. We discussed everything from emotional intimacy issues, complacency in long term relationships, boundary issues, resentment, grass is greener syndrome, why he was so cold and abrupt about everything - all sorts of things.

 

He's maintaining that he made the biggest mistake of his life, misses me, misses our friendship, realizes the things he should have given me (with regards to how he treated me), took me for granted, etc. etc.

 

He wants to know if there is even a shred of a chance that we could work on the relationship -- and here is where I massively failed. I could not point blank say that there's no way it could ever work out. I said that we both had to continue to work on ourselves individually, which I absolutely believe - but I had the chance to completely shut the door and somehow couldn't do it.

 

He said he wouldn't have filed the paperwork, but when he did he felt that the damage was irreversible at that point. It is so FRUSTRATING for him to seemingly have all of these realizations after everything that has happened. Had he rationally expressed more of his thoughts before we separated, as he did in the beginning of our conversation, our communication could have improved and just maybe we wouldn't be where we are today.

 

I admit to having fleeting moments today of, "maybe it could work out if we both really try..." Then I'd have to come back to reality and remember what has happened in the past 6 months and the realizations of our marriage that I was previously blind to.

 

I knew I shouldn't have engaged him in conversation today, but I did. I haven't spent the entire day upset, moreso sad at what a mess our relationship has turned into. My heart does miss him and of course still loves him in some capacity - but another round of this was the least thing that I was expecting today.

[revitup]

MsO,Stuff happens and we all have been there,It's a hard thing to always be on your game so to speak.It also seems they are somehow aware of just the right time to take a shot at you when you're at your weakest.

 

I think you are doing a great job and STBXH has started to see your taillights in the distance more and more now.Hard to tell if he is just wanting to poke the fork in and see if you're really done or if he has regrets and would really turn around and act right.Only he knows that.

 

In time you will know.You did the right thing by saying you both need to keep working on yourselves and improving though.He didn't want to hear that I bet.

 

I would just say to be careful and guarded as to any feelings you have right now,that mystery you have around you is your best defense and offense!

 

He has a big question mark right now in my opinion and probably is trying to figure out his options.You may or may not be one anymore,that my dear is eating at him.

 

Carry on and have a great week.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

MsO,Stuff happens and we all have been there,It's a hard thing to always be on your game so to speak.It also seems they are somehow aware of just the right time to take a shot at you when you're at your weakest.

 

I think you are doing a great job and STBXH has started to see your taillights in the distance more and more now.Hard to tell if he is just wanting to poke the fork in and see if you're really done or if he has regrets and would really turn around and act right.Only he knows that.

 

In time you will know.You did the right thing by saying you both need to keep working on yourselves and improving though.He didn't want to hear that I bet.

 

I would just say to be careful and guarded as to any feelings you have right now,that mystery you have around you is your best defense and offense!

He has a big question mark right now in my opinion and probably is trying to figure out his options.You may or may not be one anymore,that my dear is eating at him.

 

Carry on and have a great week.

 

REVITUP

 

Thank you for your advice, as always it is appreciated!

 

Your words that I bolded seem especially true and I realized that during our conversation. He said outright he's scared, lonely, doesn't know how to change certain behaviors, and he's also worried about my moving on.

 

That social media picture that I mentioned the other week, the one of me with a male friend - he brought that up, he thinks I'm dating him! He said that made him angry and physically sick even though he has no right to be angry and knows I deserve better than how he treated me.

 

I played it very vague and said that I do have people who want to date me (which is true), and I also made it clear that I wasn't looking to others for happiness (another topic we talked about quite a bit). He even brought up karma and feels like it's shouting to him that he made the biggest mistake ever with the way his life has been going since we separated. I told him that many great things have come my way since we separated

 

I know he's extremely nervous about losing me for good, and he's said that before. We briefly discussed his dating life post-separation. He says no one can tolerate him and I have a mutual friend that verifies he's worried that no one likes him - classic self esteem issues of a narcissist. Back in December I called him a narcissist and he admitted today that the thing that hurts the most is realizing that I was right about that.

 

Ugh, it's been a crazy day. Time to sleep this one off - too bad I got into all of this AFTER my 12 mile run today. I could have sorted all of this out on the run!

[Mystery2Me]

Hey Ms. O! I hope today is off to a brighter start for you.

 

Very sorry, I am that you are finding it painful to deal with the old feelings from a trip down memory lane. <<<You nailed it, it's sooo not about the dog...more about that at the end>>>

 

<<<My prevailing thought: He made his bed, now lay in it!! Damn right, feel bad...feel very bad:mad:....this is what happens when you mistreat Ms. O.>>>

 

Whew, I know that need for closure, relationship confirmation, his acknowledging he was crazy, and a bit of morbid curiosity.... will have one speeding down memory lane....THEN out of nowhere BAM a big ugly pothole.

 

But there is Good News...You don't have to do this at this very moment! Seriously be kind to yourself it sounds like, it's a bit too soon to take such an emotional risk.

 

Especially as it appears he may be actually looking to you for emotional absolution for his past actions, and not only is that UNFAIR (requires you to dismiss your pain) it is impossible for you the betrayed spouse to help him.

 

For me I would have to set boundaries for discussions about the past, for starters he must finallly take responsibility and seek IC to address his emotionally boo boo's (self-inflicted...he caused this NOT you)....so you can freely express yourself without worrying about how that will affect him.

 

Finally your sweet dog. Our stories really overlap, because like you no human children but Cinnabelle is my baby!! And wow did my life change when STBXH left, I had to figure it all out AGAIN.

 

So....Let's work on how Ms. O can see her baby, it's your turn to break rules:

 

-My I suggest since you've probably been a wonderful tenant; ask your landlord...yes tell he/she your particular situation.

 

-A good tenant is hard to find, so odds may favorable

 

-You shared financially the codo was a good set up so if possible.... Offer to pay a non-refundable pet deposit, have the carpets cleaned 2 twice/yearly, ect..

 

-Finally for anxiety some healthcare professions prescribe animal therapy:p

 

I am cheering for you, this experience was not on any syllabus, so we are not prepared for it. So honor yourself, you are making ALL the smart decisions to move forward with a wonderful life; but too it is okay if you still appreciate the beauty of what you had.

 

Be very kind to yourself and take care. ~Mystery

[MsOptimist]

Just an update:

 

I totally agree, Mystery, about his possible need for emotional absolution from what he's done and I have that thought in my mind very often right now.

 

We have been emailing and texting pretty extensively. Thus far I do feel that this communication has been beneficial. I made it very clear that I cannot and will not be his therapist (initially he did ask and want me to help him).

 

We have been sharing our thoughts and feelings on past behaviors, realizations we've made post-separation, and generally where our heads have been in the past few months. I'm taking this all with a grain of salt, but I feel that he's being honest about what he's learned and is learning from all of this - and I understand that that doesn't mean he will do the work it takes to make real changes for himself.

 

If I did not feel what we've discussed has been beneficial I would put a stop to it. I do feel I'm able to simply review this information as just that - more information and we both feel it's been helpful to discuss our points of view regarding past behaviors. We agree that we should have talked about these things a long time ago.

 

My reasons for engaging him in this contact are mostly selfish (which it's good for me to be selfish right now) - to gain closure on my part and to learn something. I feel that if anything I can learn to communicate better and also exercise my boundaries (something I need to learn to do better). I have nothing to lose at this point.

 

I have also learned first hand in the past that shutting the door entirely isn't always the best solution for me. When my parents divorced my dad walked out and I was so angry that I shut him out of my life for a few years. He was in a mid life crisis and wasn't exactly trying hard to be in my life, but I vehemently shut him out for what he did to me (leave). I also didn't process that in a healthy way, I bottled things up mostly, and in the end the way I handled it only hurt me further.

 

I am being extremely cautious with this contact with stbxh. He is making it clear that ultimately he'd like to reconcile but he knows that this may not be possible. I am not looking at this contact as a means to reconcile, only to learn something for myself. I have made it clear that right now I have no intentions of stopping or delaying the divorce proceedings.

 

We have discussed boundaries and I have stated that I need to be very clear with my boundaries. This contact will be on my terms and only what I am comfortable with. He's already asking to meet and talk in person and I have said no that I'm not ready for that.

 

He is willing to try IC and go with me - I don't really want to say MC because my intent would not be to reconcile, simply share and gain insight.

 

I'm not getting warm and fuzzy feelings through this contact, which to me says I'm still able to be somewhat clear-headed. If anything, rehashing some things has made me think, "yeah, we really had some deep underlying issues that would be very difficult to overcome."

 

After today I'm going to step back from all of this contact - it's been a lot to dredge up over the past few days and I need a break. I'm still very much carrying on with my current direction of doing what I need to do.

 

Another day in the life of this crazy rollercoaster

[MsOptimist]

I've clearly set myself back in the past week when continuing to communicate with stbxh - I knew this was a possibility and still went ahead. I do think it was helpful to some extent - it showed me, yet again, that we see things so very differently and that I could never trust him again.

 

I also think the communication helped in that it has moved me more towards forgiveness in a sense. I know that forgiveness is a big part in healing, and even though I despise what he has done to me, I don't hate the man at the end of the day. Our recent talks have allowed me to see better where his head has been in all of this, and it has simply made it clearer that something drastic needed to be done in order for both of us to realize how dysfunctional our marriage was. His mind has been, and is still, all over the place, and I do not hate him for not having himself figured out - I feel sorry for him actually, all the while knowing it's not my problem to help him through this mess since we both have to walk it on our own.

 

Eventually during this communication nerves were struck, tempers flared, and all of a sudden I find myself feeling the weight of the whole situation on my shoulders again to a point where it affects my mood and daily motivation. Not good.

 

I spoke to a friend yesterday, who has been in a very similar situation in the past, and they gave me very good advice. Advice that I've heard and read many times, but this time with it applied to the context of this recent communication relapse.

 

Time to stop wondering, questioning, rehashing because I have reached the point to where it's not in my best interest. Time to jump, for real. My friend offered to push me if I didn't jump

 

So today I am making the choice (again) to see the positives that I have in my life, invest in the friendships that are important to me, and take this "information" that I've learned in this past week and take it simply at face value and not dwell on it. Take the benefits that I listed above and simply file them away.

 

Sometimes I do have to repeat mistakes for things to really sink in - that's life when we're human I suppose

Edited February 28, 2013 by MsOptimist

[2.50 a gallon]

No biggy, just shows that you are human.

 

Sometimes we have to make several mistakes until we get it right.

 

When I was a kid, I really liked the pink and yellow Peeps we got for Easter. Being only 4 or 5, I associated the color pink with the great taste. I don't know how many times, I taste tested my pink crayons, before I finally learned that they were never going to taste like pink Peep bunnies.

[Mystery2Me]

Happy Friday Ms. O!

 

It is going to be a wonderful weekend and the start of brighter times for you.

 

No worries and no mistakes, we all learn in our own manner. Learning always costs the student, and sometimes paying the debt is easier than others.

 

Gaining this lesson appears to have cost you quite a bit, but learning sooner rather than later is priceless.

 

You've been brave and courageous in facing the pain of divorce....and eye-to-eye to boot!

 

My final court date 'should' be soon, and I'll be thinking of how brave you've been.

 

Be very kind to yourself and Take care. ~Mystery

[MsOptimist]

I've had another low day today but am picking myself up out of it again - seems to help getting my thoughts out on here when that happens.

 

I have been sick today, something that rarely happens, and I was feeling down about being alone while sick - no one to run to the store if I needed something (and I realized that I don't even have a thermometer lol) or to just check in on me. Those little moments sometimes suck.

 

My low mood had me ruminating about stbxh and things I read the other week - I don't know why but I tortured myself one night and did a little google search and found several of his online dating profiles. I've come to terms a long time ago that he's dating - I realize that's no concern of mine and that's not what upset me (although of course it is simply odd seeing your husband trying to date).

 

What upset me was the fact that he used me in his profiles - on one he included a video from our anniversary trip just 2 months before blindsiding me, and I'm in the video. He also described our marriage as a "chore" that he never wants to do again, and in one profile he even said that he had been married to someone who wasn't a strong person.

 

Those words really hurt me and I found myself dwelling on them today. I am learning to not take these things personally, and yes I know I should steer clear of even looking at those things online but I admit that my curiosity got the best of me.

 

I know that I am a strong person - the way that I swiftly packed up and moved myself out is proof of that. My mom has MS and while I was moving myself out of my house I was, and still am, also taking care of her financial and living situation, all on my own. I hold down a good job that I do well. I am an extremely caring and giving person.

 

Of course my self esteem took a hit when this separation and divorce happened, I think that's very normal, and I'm working to build it back up. I believe I've handled most things with dignity and some days I hate that I even have to justify these things in my head.

 

Today was one of those days, but hey, it can only go up from here. I will focus on having a great weekend.

[Steadfast]

...and yes I know I should steer clear of even looking at those things online but I admit that my curiosity got the best of me...

 

So it's true that curiosity killed the cat. You've endured enough self-inflicted pain for the time being. Perhaps you'll remember when the urge strikes again...

 

You do realize he's a dog, right? And a big baby. Only a loser posts something like that publicly. Wish him luck on his 'search'. He'll need it. Any woman with half a brain will read that and run. I'm a clueless man and even I can see through that. Did he try to control and manipulate you?

 

Talking over something else, a good friend recently made a great point:

 

"Life is 5% what happens to us, and 95% about how we react to it".

 

Feel better.

[TailSpin75]

(Hope you're feeling better by the time you read this)

 

MSOptimist - Hell yeah you're a strong person! Ups and downs; Good days and Bad days. It's so good to recognize them (I think) - and not fight or question them, just part of this torturous process. Stedfast is right of course on exposure to painful information. I completely understand the temptation - for me, resistance is so much easier now, but I'll admit I repeatedly exposed myself to new 'data' early in my separation. It hit me one day that it wasn't only the pain at the time of discovering this new information but all added to the already enormous database in my head. Just more information to process and sift through whether I wanted to or not. Data that manifested itself into thoughts - some of those thoughts were questions about me. And there have never been any good feelings that have come from these thoughts.

 

I know you know this MSOptimist - not at all trying to enlighten you, just letting you know I went 'there' too (early and often).

 

But as we've discussed before - we're going to be just fine. (Still think you should change your name to MSAwesome!)

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for your insightful words, Steadfast and Tailspin. I am feeling better, both physically and mentally. No, nothing good came of my curiosity and I don't like that I found myself questioning my strength and my qualities.

 

Steadfast - yes, he is a dog, and he did try to manipulate me although he was very subtle about it (or so I thought at the time). Mostly he wanted everything his way, and on his terms. This even comes across when reading his dating profiles - he states point blank that he doesn't want to be around someone all the time, he doesn't want anyone who's clingy or dramatic (neither of which I am). He basically paints a picture of wanting to keep someone at arms length, all on his terms of course.

 

No more looking at that garbage online - he is removed from my social media and we have not had further communication in about a week. All for the best.