LadyinPearls Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I am in my early 30s, never married, no children and moved in with my boyfriend along with his teenage daughter and 5 year old daughter from his first marriage (he has full-time custody) about 4 months ago. We became engaged on Christmas and I was delighted, but now I feel overwhelmed. We are planning a long engagement, but I keep thinking about all that has happened and how hard everything feels. I know I am very, very, lucky, but I can't shacke the feelings that I am not good enough and can't get it right. I feel like I fail to do things as his first wife would. I think a lot of it stems from our rocky start and the little bumps. When we first began dating he was seperating from his first wife and he went back and forth between her and I almost weekly. It was terible. He told me that he enjoys sex with her far more and was more attracted to her strongly still after ten years. I find that ridiculous in part because I had little sexual experience, I later met her and she is not attractive (i.e. very unclassy dresser, not a pretty face), and the reason for their divorce was her infidelity. He told me she was a fox, trophy wife, and incredible in bed ect... It dsgusts me that he could find her at anytime more attractive than me and had a stronger desire for her than he does me. Seriously, he had major marriage goggles on and I am not just saying that out of spite. She has a big rear end and that is truly the only thing she has going for her...I know that sounds catty, but after hearing all that crap I was expecting a knockout and I would say she is average at best. At one point he was committed to me a year ago and cheated on me with her and confessed a month later out of guilt. We have come along way, but still struggle sexually. I think I am angry about all that he put me through and said. He used to complain about how she would clean better and made a list of things he expected done. He is a Firefighter with a crazy schedule and when he is off....where I go...he goes. Sometime I just want to go do something without him...maybe sometimes even without the girls. I work full-time as an Executive Manager, so it is very difficult to jump into all this and fill the shoes of a former housewife of ten years... I feel like I gave everything up and I'm drowning. He and the kids are very picky eaters and dinners stress me out. I just wonder somedays if I can do this. I sometimes think for a moment about leaving...hving a baby on my own and being a single, career Mom. Maybe I am not cut out for this. Yet, I love the girls and him dearly and I can't give-up. Right after we became engaged I found out that this perfume and lotion he gave me for my birthday last year was the same scent his ex wore....I think that really bothered me and resurrected a lot of issues. He cheated on me at one point with her and later bought me her perfume and lotion??? I was incredibly angry when I found out. He hid that fact from me and passed it off as a gift until his teenage daughter told me. I had a bad feeling and I knew it was true by the look on his face when I confronted him. How do I stay positive and keep moving forward without feeling angry about the past?
Els Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Why would you WANT to!!?!?!? Your 'angry feelings about the past' are totally justified! This guy has had his ex on a pedestal the entire time, you were just the rebound and the backup girl, and he cheated on you! And you want to change your entire life to marry THIS man??? C'mon, girl.... 1
Author LadyinPearls Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I don't know what to do. I feel like it works on many levels. We have a great time with the kids and we laugh. He cares about me and with him I get a family that I don't have. I am not close to my own family (i.e. parents...sisiblings ect) and that is another story of broken marriages. I don't want to walk away and tell everyone that I couldn't do it. I am afraid of the pain of thinking of all that might have been if I had just worked harder and put my feelings aside. When we had broken up in the past I missed the girls terribly. I had never felt anything so devistating except when my grandmother I was very close to died. When I lost him and the girls before I did nothing except drink and workout constantly. I am scared that walking away would be the biggest mistake of my life and destroy the girls. The little one is very attached to me and takes a doll she named after me with her to her Mom's house. I don't think I could ever make it this far with anyone again. Yet, I know there is probably a good chancce he will cheat on me or lie because it has happened...I'm not stupid or blind, but trapped by my own commitment and feelings. I guess I feel that I have to figure out a way to let go and just be happy without holding onto that anger. I tried talking to a therapist once, but she was not very optimistic that I can have a healthy relationship based on the broken marriages and lack of role models I had. She basically labeled me as a "co-dependent" with poor self-esteem that generates depression. I don't want to go back and have someone look at me as hopeless. I want a chance and I guess I think this is the best I can get so I am trying to make it work.
Turtles Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 That sounds horrible and abusive. I can't imagine living with someone who told me that or treated me like I was such a second choice. Why not leave him and date for a bit, surely it will do better for your self esteem to have someone treat you like a princess than have him say his ex wife was so much better than you. The girls will survive and you will be stronger for the experience of having stood up to this.
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