Hurting

[cervelo]

Hi Everyone,

 

Firstly, I am so happy to find an OM/OW forum - I didn't know such a thing existed. Anyways, I need real help.

 

I'm going to give a bit of background for context - I've been in a relationship with a woman for 18 months and it's been fantastic. Although both of us are married (to other people) and have kids, we had spoken seriously about divorcing our respective partners to be together.

 

Two months ago we ran into some issues due to family and work demanding too much of her time. She wanted a break from the physical part of our relationship because it took some pressure off - I had a hard time accepting this but did. At this point though she grew quite cold although we would meet and chat it was not the same. We had numerous conversations about whether we had room in our lives for this relationship and there was never an agreement to break up. I tried to keep the communication at the same level with txt/email etc…but this ended up causing her to withdraw more to the point where she was avoiding my calls.

 

Two weeks ago I called her and told her that if my contact was causing her this level of difficulty I would leave her alone. This prompted a message from her to say that she had bottled everything up and had not actually dealt with it and she had been unfair to me for not staying in contact – she was in serious denial. She said she hoped to contact me to speak about things soon.

 

I was fully prepared for no contact at that point and was trying to leave things reasonably light hearted and non-committal (I genuinely feel that a period of no contact has a place in such matters) – but when I heard her response I told her I loved her and asked her to consider giving it another shot (which I’m not proud of)….but I haven’t been in contact now for two weeks nor she with me.

 

Ultimately I would love to be able to put this relationship behind us and start a fresh. If the fresh start results in a better relationship then great but if not then at least we are on speaking terms.

 

I fear that my last communication to her will always have her thinking that my agenda is to get back together and may prevent her from re-engaging if she feels too much pressure. I would really appreciate input from folks who may have gone through similar breakups but got back together on what next steps to take, if any.

 

Do I contact her to tell her that I accept the fact she doesn’t want to make contact, that I respect that she doesn’t want to re-engage and leave the rest to the future/fate….or do I just leave things as they are ?

 

Any help would be really appreciated..

 

Hurting…

[jwi71]

Hi Everyone,

 

Firstly, I am so happy to find an OM/OW forum - I didn't know such a thing existed. Anyways, I need real help.

 

I'm going to give a bit of background for context - I've been in a relationship with a woman for 18 months and it's been fantastic. Although both of us are married (to other people) and have kids, we had spoken seriously about divorcing our respective partners to be together.

 

Two months ago we ran into some issues due to family and work demanding too much of her time. She wanted a break from the physical part of our relationship because it took some pressure off - I had a hard time accepting this but did. At this point though she grew quite cold although we would meet and chat it was not the same. We had numerous conversations about whether we had room in our lives for this relationship and there was never an agreement to break up. I tried to keep the communication at the same level with txt/email etc…but this ended up causing her to withdraw more to the point where she was avoiding my calls.

 

Two weeks ago I called her and told her that if my contact was causing her this level of difficulty I would leave her alone. This prompted a message from her to say that she had bottled everything up and had not actually dealt with it and she had been unfair to me for not staying in contact – she was in serious denial. She said she hoped to contact me to speak about things soon.

 

I was fully prepared for no contact at that point and was trying to leave things reasonably light hearted and non-committal (I genuinely feel that a period of no contact has a place in such matters) – but when I heard her response I told her I loved her and asked her to consider giving it another shot (which I’m not proud of)….but I haven’t been in contact now for two weeks nor she with me.

 

Ultimately I would love to be able to put this relationship behind us and start a fresh. If the fresh start results in a better relationship then great but if not then at least we are on speaking terms.

 

I fear that my last communication to her will always have her thinking that my agenda is to get back together and may prevent her from re-engaging if she feels too much pressure. I would really appreciate input from folks who may have gone through similar breakups but got back together on what next steps to take, if any.

 

Do I contact her to tell her that I accept the fact she doesn’t want to make contact, that I respect that she doesn’t want to re-engage and leave the rest to the future/fate….or do I just leave things as they are ?

 

Any help would be really appreciated..

 

Hurting…

 

If you are looking to start things a fresh then that is what you should do - start anew.

 

And starting anew doesn't mean the same ol' same ol' - it means something must be, well, new.

 

I would begin by filing for D, moving out and letting your OW know you are now putting into ACTION those serious talks you have had.

 

There is nothing as powerful as ACTION.

 

And I can think of no more powerful ACTION than showing her the divorce papers.

 

Anything less is just more words and status quo.

[switchblue97525]

Hi Everyone,

 

I was fully prepared for no contact at that point and was trying to leave things reasonably light hearted and non-committal (I genuinely feel that a period of no contact has a place in such matters) – but when I heard her response I told her I loved her and asked her to consider giving it another shot (which I’m not proud of)….but I haven’t been in contact now for two weeks nor she with me.

 

Ultimately I would love to be able to put this relationship behind us and start a fresh. If the fresh start results in a better relationship then great but if not then at least we are on speaking terms.

 

Do I contact her to tell her that I accept the fact she doesn’t want to make contact, that I respect that she doesn’t want to re-engage and leave the rest to the future/fate….or do I just leave things as they are ?

 

Any help would be really appreciated..

 

Hurting…

 

I'm sorry for your pain, and i've been there myself. The pain is brutal, you are grieving, and looking for a way to relieve the pain. Even if that relief is only temporary - like getting a quick fix from hearing her voice, or getting a text.

 

But you don't need to tell her you accept anything. She isn't asking for any clarity from you. Be honest with yourself. If you reach out in any way, it's because you desperately want her to engage, and you're trying to think of various excuses to manipulate her into doing that. It's understandable. It's human. But it's bad for you, and you should start by deciding you're better than that, and that you deserve better than a married woman who keeps running away.

 

I noticed your entire post was about her, how she is or must be feeling, what you should do to get X reaction from her, etc. The healthiest thing you can do here is to take control by walking away yourself. Go NC, end all social media, email/text, etc. Go focus on you, your choices, and how to make your life healthier and more honest. It will hurt like HELL at first, but you will be so glad you did. Peace and good luck.

[whichwayisup]

If the MW wasn't in your life, would you still be considering divorcing your wife?

 

Reguardless of what the MW does or doesn't do, you need to talk to your wife. Since it seems you don't love her (or aren't in love with her anymore) and your focus in only on the MW, it's only fair to set your wife free so she can find a man who will love only her and not have someone cheat on her and make future plans with someone else right under her nose..

 

Or, do you plan on staying married?

 

MW isn't leaving her husband and kids for you.

[cervelo]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for not being judgmental - as you all know, every story has a narrative and some stories are more complex than others. For clarity my relationship with my wife has been difficult for some time since she cheated on me but we've been trying to keep things civil for the kids. We both agree that this will not last forever but there was no particular schedule in place but our divorce is an inevitability. The MW that I have been involved with is in a very similar situation.

 

I know that the woman that I'm now involved with is a bit messed up right now too and (as much as I don't want to make excuses for her) I believe is acting way out of character because she is under a lot of pressure. So I really just want to end this phase of our relationship the best possible way...I just didn't know how to do that.

 

Still - any input valued greatly.

 

C

[whichwayisup]

Does your wife know about your affair? If not, you owe her the truth.