Jingle14 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Wasn't sure whether Coping was the right forum to post this in. Is it ever 'too late' - has anyone got back together after a lengthy separation when their ex has been adamant the break up was what they wanted? I'm not looking for false hope - in my case I don't believe there is a chance in Hell, I'm dead to him - I'm genuinely curious. I met my ex-husband in our teens. He broke up with me - his mum made him, she felt he was too young - but 6 years later, when we'd both met other people but never forgotten each other, he rang me and we got back together and were married for 22 years before I ended things. Thankfully we're still friends and on reasonable terms and I'm glad he has met someone else.
luvtoto Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 It's never too late. Trust me. If you love your guy with all your heart hold on to the dream, Jingle. Even if people tell you that you're crazy for holding on so long, lol. The love of my life came back to me after 9 years apart and a failed marriage on his side. He finally realized what an idiot he was for letting me go. During the time we were apart, I worked on self-improvement. Realized that I could be happy without him. I faced all my demons and grew into a really special person. At this point in my life, I have so many friends, such a busy social life and school, that I barely have time for him...but I make time. Make yourself happy, change what needs to be changed, take some classes, get some counseling, fix things about yourself that turned him off in the past, live your life and if he really loves you...he will come back. If he does come back, start a fresh relationship and don't bring up the past. Show him the new and improved you!! Good luck, Jingle. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Wasn't sure whether Coping was the right forum to post this in. Is it ever 'too late' - has anyone got back together after a lengthy separation when their ex has been adamant the break up was what they wanted? What is it you're asking? Is this what YOU want? Have you checked the 'second chances' forum....? Talk about tumbleweeds... I'm not looking for false hope - in my case I don't believe there is a chance in Hell, I'm dead to him - I'm genuinely curious. I will tell you what I think: HOPE: I say this a lot: "There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'." Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE. However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one.... so 'Hope' is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'..... I met my ex-husband in our teens. He broke up with me - his mum made him, she felt he was too young - but 6 years later, when we'd both met other people but never forgotten each other, he rang me and we got back together and were married for 22 years before I ended things. Thankfully we're still friends and on reasonable terms and I'm glad he has met someone else. In which case, I have to seriously wonder what's prompting this question...
luvtoto Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I am curious, also. Seems as though you are struggling with your decision to let him go.
Author Jingle14 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 My ex husband and my recent ex (who broke my heart) are two separate people).
TaraMaiden Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Well, you can understand our confusion.... But the question still needs asking. if you're 'dead' to your ex, and there's no chance in Hell.... Well, the confusion frankly, lingers....
Author Jingle14 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Personally I don't believe there is any hope at all of reconciling with my ex - my question was have others reunited after a long time apart, which I ask purely from a point of my own cynical curiosity, and whether romance or love do exist as I no longer believe they do.
KathyM Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I know of couples personally who have gotten back together against all odds. One married couple was separated for seven months and the wife moved out of state. She later decided to try to make her marriage work, moved back in with her estranged husband, and they are now happily reconciled. I also know of a couple who were divorced from each other, the ex wife had established a very serious relationship with someone else, moved to the other end of the world, and she decided to go back to her ex husband and they are now remarried. I also know a woman who had a romance with a man when very young, and after marrying someone else, having two kids and divorcing her husband, she reunited with the romantic partner of her youth after 40 years apart (he was not the cause of her divorce). So, obviously, it can and does happen that people get back together again after a lengthy separation, but I don't think it's wise to put your life on hold or hold out hope for that to happen, because in most cases, people move on with their lives and they find someone else, and to have both parties single and not in a relationship at the same time after a long period of time, and still interested in looking up an ex is not likely.
luvtoto Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hell, my ex married another woman, lol. However, whenever my ex and I ran into each other, I could see it in his eyes that he still loved me. Come to find out, he really did! I knew it the whole time. In your case, Jingle, if there's no spark left, and no indication that he still cares, then I would move on.
TaraMaiden Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Personally I don't believe there is any hope at all of reconciling with my ex - my question was have others reunited after a long time apart, which I ask purely from a point of my own cynical curiosity, and whether romance or love do exist as I no longer believe they do. Well hang on, holdja horses.... 'Romance' and 'Love' are two different things and not even necessarily symbiotic.... It depends hugely on how one defines love, and in what way it is ministered... Unconditional Love exists, but therein lies Nobility, Selflessness, Dignity and Wisdom. Love between two people invariably has an agenda, and must contain baggage. Romance is a strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, and involves a lot of rose-spectacle wearing. It invariably defines the first flush of a youthful relationship, and like the first layer of a gob-stopper, soon wears out to reveal the more solid, thicker layers beneath....
luvtoto Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hate attracts more hate. Love attracts more love. Cynicism attracts more cynicism. Hopelessness attracts... well, you get my point. Like attracts like. Get yourself to a place where you are giving and receiving lots of love in your life. It could come from your friends, family, but mostly from yourself. If you live your life daily appreciating all the love you already have, miracles will happen. You will attract a relationship back into your life again, I promise. Don't give up on love. Do the work necessary to stay positive. 1
Author Jingle14 Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 Hate attracts more hate. Love attracts more love. Cynicism attracts more cynicism. Hopelessness attracts... well, you get my point. Like attracts like. Get yourself to a place where you are giving and receiving lots of love in your life. It could come from your friends, family, but mostly from yourself. If you live your life daily appreciating all the love you already have, miracles will happen. You will attract a relationship back into your life again, I promise. Don't give up on love. Do the work necessary to stay positive. Believe me, I know where you're coming from. I have turned my life around since being at rock bottom (not just over 'him' but the situation he left me to deal with alone, especially with my young son and that was just horrendous, still dealing with the fallout now). I adopt a positive attitude, am - on the outside - happy and fun. I take on new activities, have made new, positive, friends and surround myself with good people. But I would never risk letting anyone get close to me again, my heart is closed. I can be happy for others but romance, love, the whole 'hearts and flowers' isn't for me. I've posted other threads which give more of a picture of my situation, for anyone interested. And I'm no spring chicken so it's not like I haven't been dumped/dumped someone else before but this was completely different. On my side, it was unconditional love. Clearly not for him though.
MrWindupBird Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 My wife broke my heart in high school before coming to her senses four years later. People go through different stages in life, and nothing's certain. Just make yourself as good as you can be, and let fate play out as it will.
Author Jingle14 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 My wife broke my heart in high school before coming to her senses four years later. People go through different stages in life, and nothing's certain. Just make yourself as good as you can be, and let fate play out as it will. I'm glad things turned out so well for you . I can only hope that, one day, I am as lucky and that there will come a day when I don't think of him every day, or when I wake in the night and he flits into my mind wondering who is lying with him where I used to be. I've never found anything as difficult as getting over this, I've never loved another human being - apart from my son - as much in my whole life.
luvtoto Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Believe me, I know where you're coming from. I have turned my life around since being at rock bottom (not just over 'him' but the situation he left me to deal with alone, especially with my young son and that was just horrendous, still dealing with the fallout now). I adopt a positive attitude, am - on the outside - happy and fun. I take on new activities, have made new, positive, friends and surround myself with good people. But I would never risk letting anyone get close to me again, my heart is closed. I can be happy for others but romance, love, the whole 'hearts and flowers' isn't for me. I've posted other threads which give more of a picture of my situation, for anyone interested. And I'm no spring chicken so it's not like I haven't been dumped/dumped someone else before but this was completely different. On my side, it was unconditional love. Clearly not for him though. Thought it was unconditional love I had for my ex, too. Nine years spent obsessing..well, not the entire time..but I spent A LOT of wasted energy thinking he was so perfect for me. When I actually did get him back, I started seeing his flaws. I had him so built up in my mind as the perfect guy, that it completely blinded me. Now that I have him back that along with my higher standards and higher self-esteem, sometimes I just think he's not really that special anymore. The brain is a crazy thing. We only want what we can't have. When we have it, it's like, now why did I want this again? If you are completely honest with yourself, Jingle, you might see that he's just a guy like all the rest of 'em. You could probably do much better than him. Don't give up on finding him. I guarantee you 120% that he's out there.
Author Jingle14 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Thought it was unconditional love I had for my ex, too. Nine years spent obsessing..well, not the entire time..but I spent A LOT of wasted energy thinking he was so perfect for me. When I actually did get him back, I started seeing his flaws. I had him so built up in my mind as the perfect guy, that it completely blinded me. Now that I have him back that along with my higher standards and higher self-esteem, sometimes I just think he's not really that special anymore. The brain is a crazy thing. We only want what we can't have. When we have it, it's like, now why did I want this again? If you are completely honest with yourself, Jingle, you might see that he's just a guy like all the rest of 'em. You could probably do much better than him. Don't give up on finding him. I guarantee you 120% that he's out there. I agree with all of this, I put him on such a pedastal, when there really was no basis for him to be there at all - quite the opposite really. And although I can see him for who and what is actually is, my heart is not as quick as my head in catching on. Logic tells me he isn't worth it and that I am a billion times better than he is - I am honest, truthful, kind hearted, I have good qualities, I am genuine - he is a pillock who drives a stupid Porsche with a private plate and wears red Converse. Truly, if I had only just met him I would think he was a complete middle aged saddo. But I met him before he got those things and still remember his warm eyes gazing into mine, when he came to my office to give me a hug after a difficult lunchtime exchange with my ex husband, the silly things we used to do and the language we created just for us - we were meant to be 'us' forever. Now I am just me and he is an 'us' with someone else. That wasn't meant to happen and my cold, dead heart struggles with it. I never lied to him, he did nothing but to me. I'm stupid for not dumping him, let alone pleading with him to stay with me.
luvtoto Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I agree with all of this, I put him on such a pedastal, when there really was no basis for him to be there at all - quite the opposite really. And although I can see him for who and what is actually is, my heart is not as quick as my head in catching on. Logic tells me he isn't worth it and that I am a billion times better than he is Their charm makes us defenseless. I understand how that works. It's like we don't really like him, but we are obsessed anyways. In my quest to keep him off the pedestal, I will do this mental trick to reprogram my subconscious. It really, really works well. When my brain starts to have irrational obsessive thoughts, I will start to ask my heart/subconscious very direct questions: My head: Do you love him? My subconscious (heart): Yes! Head: Do you want to be with him? Sub: You betcha! Me: Does he have issues? Sub: Well….....yea.... Me: Has he hurt you time and time again? Sub: yea. Me: Does that make you feel bad about yourself? Sub: Actually…yes, yes it does. Me: Can you just keep forgiving him? Sub: ….. no. Me: Is he capable of loving me unconditionally? Sub: No. Me: Do I want to be loved unconditionally? Sub: YES!!! Me: Can he give me what I need in a loving relationship? Sub: Who am I kidding? No. Me: Do I deserve a better relationship than what he has to offer? Sub: Yes, yes, I do!! Me: Now I ask you, do I really love him and are you two meant for each other? Sub: Heck NO!! You could go on forever, and I have before. See how this works? The answers to your questions is how you REALLY feel about him!! It will honestly shock you to know your true feelings. 2
stevie_23 Posted January 11, 2013 Posted January 11, 2013 I've heard stories of people in love who had to break up for whatever reason and then 20-40 years later, somehow found each other again and rekindled what they had and lived happily ever after. Obviously these stories are fairly rare, but they do happen, so technically there IS hope, no matter how many years go by, HOWEVER... I find that if you actively WAIT (and hope), you won't probably ever get back together with that person you want. You will make your life and yourself all about them instead of you, and who would want to be with someone like that? You also probably won't be able to find someone else in that time either, if you spend it waiting and hoping for your ex to come back. Often it's when you stop looking that you find what you really need.
GG3 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 Thought it was unconditional love I had for my ex, too. Nine years spent obsessing..well, not the entire time..but I spent A LOT of wasted energy thinking he was so perfect for me. When I actually did get him back, I started seeing his flaws. I had him so built up in my mind as the perfect guy, that it completely blinded me. Now that I have him back that along with my higher standards and higher self-esteem, sometimes I just think he's not really that special anymore. The brain is a crazy thing. We only want what we can't have. When we have it, it's like, now why did I want this again? If you are completely honest with yourself, Jingle, you might see that he's just a guy like all the rest of 'em. You could probably do much better than him. Don't give up on finding him. I guarantee you 120% that he's out there. What flaws did you see when you got back together? I am in a situation where I hope one day we do cross paths again as well.
Mr.White Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I do not enjoy leaving things up to hope. In my only and my latest relationship I tried everything within my power to make it work so I am glad I have no feeling of hope. Hope is something I choose not to believe in because it helps you stay in the past.
Zammo25 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I agree with all of this, I put him on such a pedastal, when there really was no basis for him to be there at all - quite the opposite really. And although I can see him for who and what is actually is, my heart is not as quick as my head in catching on. Logic tells me he isn't worth it and that I am a billion times better than he is - I am honest, truthful, kind hearted, I have good qualities, I am genuine - he is a pillock who drives a stupid Porsche with a private plate and wears red Converse. Truly, if I had only just met him I would think he was a complete middle aged saddo. But I met him before he got those things and still remember his warm eyes gazing into mine, when he came to my office to give me a hug after a difficult lunchtime exchange with my ex husband, the silly things we used to do and the language we created just for us - we were meant to be 'us' forever. Now I am just me and he is an 'us' with someone else. That wasn't meant to happen and my cold, dead heart struggles with it. I never lied to him, he did nothing but to me. I'm stupid for not dumping him, let alone pleading with him to stay with me. Any Man would be a fool to let you go. He is an idiot. Don't let him ruin your life.
BUBS Posted January 13, 2013 Posted January 13, 2013 My ex and I dated when we were teenagers, broke up for 5 years, never saw each other as he lived across the country. I almost got engaged to someone else, and he heard that I may be getting married and got ahold of me, we reconciled for 3 more years and got engaged... unfortunately he ended things once again. I guess it wasn't our time and may never be.
Blastoplast Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 ANYTHING is possible My EX and I ended ours for the wrong reasons. We miss each other terribly, the good and the bad. But I've asked her that "when the time is right, we deserve to give each other another shot." She agreed. I don't know if that's 6 months from now, 1 year from now or 5 years from now. Who knows, all I'm saying is that both of you will know when/if the time is right.
Author Jingle14 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Posted January 14, 2013 ANYTHING is possible My EX and I ended ours for the wrong reasons. We miss each other terribly, the good and the bad. But I've asked her that "when the time is right, we deserve to give each other another shot." She agreed. I don't know if that's 6 months from now, 1 year from now or 5 years from now. Who knows, all I'm saying is that both of you will know when/if the time is right. Mine told me a few weeks after the BU that he didn't miss me for a second. Last year when we hugged for an hour I told him I missed him - he remained silent and that spoke volumes.
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