Lion85 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hi So, I'll try and keep this brief. I have one of those on-off relationships, but I feel these recent circumstances or so unique that it is hard to see if this is just part of the pattern and I she forget about her or if this is as a result of the unique situation she is in with having lost her father. It is hard to know how forgiving and open to a renewal I should be. So that is why I turn to you all in the forum. Sorry it is going to be a bit long winded. She and I are complex people. Basically, I think there are a few potential soulmates in a lifetime, and I know I met one of them 4, nearly 5 years ago. We were young (I still am in a certain way) when we met: 18 and 22 (were now 27 (me) and 23 (her)). When we met I told her that I was afraid that by the time I was really ready to commit to being with her, she'd tell me she needed to go explore. That 'prophecy' has come true multiple times now, she has catalyzed every brake up, and then we eventually get back together. We've even been apart for a whole year before, and then gotten back. That was the last chapter... We were together for nearly 2 years this most recent time. We travelled the world, shared a beautiful spiritual as well as physical journey and began having occasional conversations and fantasies of marriage. She was contemplating moving to the same country I was moving to (I left my home country to move to another, and she is not from my home country either), and was talking of joining me on this journey here. Then, a year ago, her father died. I told her a few months later that I was afraid that she wasn't really going to move to my new country. She promised me she wanted to. But as time moved toward her summer travel plans, she began to express doubts. By the time she left, she was totally uncertain. I was angry and hurt. I asked her whether it was our relationship or the new country. She said she didn't know. I thought on the situation and realized that she never got to process her father's death. I told her I understood that she may need to go and live in her home country for a while to be with her family and that I understood that if she did that, we may not be able to continue as lovers. She and I remained in contact, and she was very sweet with me, altho she did find a program of study in her home country and planned to be there for at least a year. But she told me she and I could see each other on vacations and that maybe next year she'd come back to my country. So, I figured it was the mature thing to come visit her so we could talk face to face and I noticed that some good deals were available for me to have a long weekend in her city on my way to a conference in another country. Her reply was very wishy washy...I wanted to just end it all there, but it sounded to me like she was afraid, so again I asked how she'd feel about seeing me. Her reply was very hurtful (through e-mail and skype). She said she doesn't think we can have a happy relationship, that everything in her life has changed and she isn't attracted to me anymore. She also told me a story that she thought was funny about having bought her first pair of high heels and loosing one of them. I just said that wasn't how I felt about her, but if that was how she felt about me, that I wanted space to have time to heal my heart. Then, a few weeks later I had a horrible bike accident and she found out through my mother's facebook (I had deleted her in the name of having space). She wrote me to say how painful it was to hear I'd had my accident and that she was sorry to break the silence, but that I don't need to write her back. I was bothered by it. Ok, it is nice to do, but I had made it clear I wanted space, and after having felt like I was dragged along, and wasn't communicated with, and then had been so gentle in asking for space and she found an excuse to show me she cared about me (which was what I didn't need), I waited a week or so until I was out of the hospital and wrote to her how hurt I was by her. I wrote that I always assume that underneath the ways and times she hurts me there is something deeper I don't undertand that I can respect and so therefore I will always find forgiveness in my heart, but that she I felt dragged along, that I felt she was playing mind games. I also acknowledged ways in which i'd hurt her in the past year. Then said I didn't feel comfortable just leaving the definition of space as open, but instead asked for at least a 6 months, if not a year of NO CONTACT. Her response was even more painful, to the point where I wish I would have just asked for the no contact rather than bringing up the whole can of worms. She told me she loves me, that I am 'the 2nd man in her life' after her father but that I had said something about our sex life that made her question our relationship. She denied dragging me along except that she referenced what I said at the beginning of our relationship and said that she felt she was honest all along, but now she wants to go explore other relationships 'to see if the same issues keep on coming up.' Why she needed to say that is still a mystery to me, but it is one of the most hurtful things. I was ok with the idea that maybe she could benefit from dating other people. I am, to my knowledge, her first and only lover. But to know she left me in order to go be with someone else. WTF?!? Who says that!?! I can see many ways in which I didn't treat her with the kind of admiration and respect and focus and care a soulmate deserves. I can see many ways in which her father's death and the psychological implications and connections in her mind have created a barrier for her. While I think she misheard me, I can see that what I said about our sex life could be interpreted as undermining her womanhood and so in an interesting way, her telling me that she isn't attracted to me anymore is a kind of perfect revenge in that she is undermining my manhood. I can see that I undermined her sense of value when I told her at one point that I am finally becoming a man (on my 27th b-day) and that while there are many aspects of her being a girl that I like, that I wanted to be with a woman. In my mind, it was an invitation for her to join me on a journey to adulthood. I can understand now how in her mind, that was a total rejection. I have been totally out of contact since the end of Sept. I am struggling to see if our relationship issues are in isolation or whether or not the issues, even the potentially hurtful and detrimental things I said, aren't compounded by her father's passing and her unresolved issues of guilt and inadequacy she has expressed to me regarding her identity as a daughter. I am struggling to see if this relationship is worth salvaging, and if so, if it can be. As you can see, I think about her deeply, and in a very loving way. I want and feel I deserve a stable, committed loving relationship and have my doubts about whether or not she can ever be that person. No matter how much she's hurt me, I've always worked to empathize and understand her actions so that I can remain loving and have never broken up with her, even though I've gotten very angry with her sometimes. But I still haven't met anyone in the world who I'd rather have as that person than her. Your thoughts are most appreciated and welcome!
Yatesrow Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm in a very similar situation - ages and everything. I felt like I was reading something I wrote for a minute. Overall, what this appears to be a maturity issue - or lack thereof on her part, so the details aren't as important. Anyways. It's looks as though part of her wants to commit but the other - the younger part - wants to experience more before settling down. Unfortunately for you, I don't see anyway to force her through this stage. It just has to happen and hopefully she'll come around. That said, I don't feel NC is necessarily the best option. People tend to go where they feel wanted. So, unexpectedly, every now and then, make a connection in someway that is light and unromantic. At some point, when she arrives at your level of commitment and maturity, she'll think of you and remember what you had. By which time. you may have verywell moved on yourself. It's a tough pill to swallow, I know. I'm trying to cope myself. But it is what it is. 1
Author Lion85 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 thanks for the reply. I'm new to this forum... is there a way you and I can message each other? or do you have a link to anything you wrote about your situation? I'd like to know more, if anything because I believe turnabout is fair play:) at any rate, the NC isn't intended to be forever. I just really needed some space for a while and wanted to guarantee that space for both of us. I'm kind of a no holds barred person tho, so little light things that aren't romantic while I feel something deeper, while I get that there could be an important aspect of self-discipline involved in that, is something that I don't see as being within my character. I like to love fully, not partially. I felt that by removing myself from her life is the most full act of love I can do for now, because otherwise I'd just be playing a game with her and myself. I detest games with hearts. Being playful, ok, but games... not for me. What do you see as the function of being in occasional contact?
RespectfullyAlone Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I'm in a very similar situation - ages and everything. I felt like I was reading something I wrote for a minute. Overall, what this appears to be a maturity issue - or lack thereof on her part, so the details aren't as important. Anyways. It's looks as though part of her wants to commit but the other - the younger part - wants to experience more before settling down. Unfortunately for you, I don't see anyway to force her through this stage. It just has to happen and hopefully she'll come around. That said, I don't feel NC is necessarily the best option. People tend to go where they feel wanted. So, unexpectedly, every now and then, make a connection in someway that is light and unromantic. At some point, when she arrives at your level of commitment and maturity, she'll think of you and remember what you had. By which time. you may have verywell moved on yourself. It's a tough pill to swallow, I know. I'm trying to cope myself. But it is what it is. So NC has actually hurt our chances in the long run if we are still hoping they come back? Now I'm confused. She knew she was wanted with me. Why would light contact have any difference if she's now with someone else? If anything it would seem doing this would annoy her and interfere with her new situation.??
Author Lion85 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 I don't think that we can make general rules about these things... as a good friend of mine said, 'the point is to talk about things on a personal level, not an ideological one.' a personal level is saying, 'I'm hurt by them going off to find themselves.' and ideological one says, 'if they leave me they were never worthy/or they weren't trust worthy/or they didn't really love me.' It seems that while those statements can have truth at times, they are not genuine truth statements. So focusing on whether or not NC is the best thing ideologically to do is not the question, nor is it why I wrote my post. I'm hoping to share insights with people into how to best allow my heart to have the healing and space it needs and to hopefully gain and share insights with people who have been with someone who may have lost a parent or someone close and to learn from their experiences. obviously if your SO has moved on to someone else and broke up with you bc they didn't care about you anymore, then contact is prol not so wise. but in my case, she didn't break up with me because she doesn't care about me. so, NC is not about necessarily what she needs, although I think it may be to her benefit in some ways, its also about what I need for now to have space to reflect and be in the present, however difficult that obviously is.
Recommended Posts