Discovery of affair 3 days after wedding.

[Jo6526]

Jo;

ve the love and support of family and close friends. Don't forget that!

 

I'm concerned that you are isolated via miles from your support team while he is daily surrounded by those that would wish harm to you and your marriage. DAILY, I repeat.

 

 

This is a concern for my family but I think im coping ok as I know im moving back as soon as I find employment. Family come to visit once a month and I spent Christmas with them.

 

Im just feeling really low today, I thought I had passed the stage of sadness and questioning why this has happened to me but obviously I havent.

[Snowflower]

There are lots of days of feeling low. You will have a stretch where you feel okay about what happened, or at least can deal with it. Then, you wake up the next day feeling so sad and low. Take these days as they come and let yourself feel sad. It's okay.

 

Eventually, the low days will be less and less and the okay days will be more steady and heck, you will even have some pretty good days thrown in to the mix!

 

Get through this annulment process. I'm happy to read that you that might be able to pursue that instead of a divorce so that you can marry in the church again if you wish.

[Jo6526]

There are lots of days of feeling low. You will have a stretch where you feel okay about what happened, or at least can deal with it. Then, you wake up the next day feeling so sad and low. Take these days as they come and let yourself feel sad. It's okay.

 

Eventually, the low days will be less and less and the okay days will be more steady and heck, you will even have some pretty good days thrown in to the mix!

 

Get through this annulment process. I'm happy to read that you that might be able to pursue that instead of a divorce so that you can marry in the church again if you wish.

 

Thank you, I really do take comfort in that my feelings and emotions are normal.

 

I think its different in US, I live in Uk and I can get an annulment in the catholic church so I am able to accept communion and be able to get married again however legally I think I still need to get a divorce, I need to look into this more for information.

[buckeyeblue]

Jo - I am so sorry. Your story is heartbreaking. I can't wrap my head around some of these betrayal stories.

 

Please consider the advice you have been given by "veterans". The BSs who have been posting have all lived through the heartbreak. If you were my daughter, I would encourage you to seek a divorce ASAP. Twice betrayed before you were even married -before you have had to experience the hardships of childraising, bills, in-laws, housekeeping, etc. - is not a good sign. It is VERY LIKELY he will do it again.

 

You deserve better, Jo.

[Jo6526]

Thank you buckeye, your words make complete sense.

 

It's how my parents feel, I think they just need me to make a decision on my own so I have no regrets.

 

The only time I feel regret is thinking I will be here in the future.

 

Going to see a counsellor tomorrow so feeling positive about that.

 

One day at a time is my moto and making sure I do something for me each day, today has been bubble bath.

 

It's interesting that no one has said take him back, I know it's blindingly obvious.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Reading back my initial post, i feel so stupid.

 

Im a confident (or was) professional. I am kind and loyal and adored him.

 

I know I dont have a choice but why cant I run away?

 

I feel so let down, like this feeling will stay with me forever. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when its all over.

The stages of grief are so real. Even though you said you have yelled, it sounds like you have gone back to the denial stage. You can't believe it's over and that it's time to move on. The pain is horrible, I know, which is why you avoid it with denial at first. I'm so sorry. It's an experience no one wants to go through =(

 

But I would guess you are going to struggle with even believing this is real for a while, then something will set you off and you will be PISSED! Enough to finally leave (and bury the pain for a while in your fury). That's when you will take action. There's a quote going around right now that says, "Anger Is Like Drinking Poison Expecting the Other Person to Die." But I think anger is useful if used responsibly, it can be a motivating factor to change your situation so you don't get hurt anymore.

 

Then once you've done all you can, spent your energy, calmed down, etc, the full pain of the loss will hit you and it's going to suck. Take care of yourself but you'll need to work through that as well before you can finally get to acceptance.

 

I think I went through the whole cycle multiple times. Over the cheating, the divorce...Telling my child, etc.

 

yucky stuff...that's my take on it.

Edited January 8, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[Jo6526]

The stages of grief are so real. Even though you said you have yelled, it sounds like you have gone back to the denial stage. You can't believe it's over and that it's time to move on. The pain is horrible, I know, which is why you avoid it with denial at first. I'm so sorry. It's an experience no one wants to go through =(

 

But I would guess you are going to struggle with even believing this is real for a while, then something will set you off and you will be PISSED! Enough to finally leave (and bury the pain for a while in your fury). That's when you will take action. There's a quote going around right now that says, "Anger Is Like Drinking Poison Expecting the Other Person to Die." But I think anger is useful if used responsibly, it can be a motivating factor to change your situation so you don't get hurt anymore.

 

Then once you've done all you can, spent your energy, calmed down, etc, the full pain of the loss will hit you and it's going to suck. Take care of yourself but you'll need to work through that as well before you can finally get to acceptance.

 

I think I went through the whole cycle multiple times. Over the cheating, the divorce...Telling my child, etc.

 

yucky stuff...that's my take on it.

 

You're completely right especially about the denial stage, I honestly think I've gone back the way, I've been so angry and then let myself just take each day of thinking I have a choice to take him back now I know I can't I feel helpless again.

 

Today I felt I had gone back to when I found out, just really despairing. Hopefully it's just a phase I feel better tonight and hopefully speaking to someone tomorrow will help.

 

It sounds like you've had a tough time too, I hope your getting through it and felling better.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You're completely right especially about the denial stage, I honestly think I've gone back the way, I've been so angry and then let myself just take each day of thinking I have a choice to take him back now I know I can't I feel helpless again.

 

Today I felt I had gone back to when I found out, just really despairing. Hopefully it's just a phase I feel better tonight and hopefully speaking to someone tomorrow will help.

 

It sounds like you've had a tough time too, I hope your getting through it and felling better.

Thanks. I'm about 14 months or so past D-Day now. 6 months separated. My ex and her lawyer are lagging the divorce process. I have a permanent kind of burning anger which is hard to let go of. It's draining, but I guess it drives me through the divorce process... The worst part of it is over; Feb of last year was the worst. That's when I dealt with the major part of grief over the marriage. I was basically incapacitated for a week, gone from work, sitting in parking lots crying. It was pretty pathetic.. Every sign of depression I would have checked off if I had looked it up...

 

You're in for a rough ride. It's not a fun rollercoaster

Edited January 8, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[Jo6526]

I get what you mean about the anger, I feel more assertive when I am angry with the situation it's the sadness that disables me.

 

I wish you all the luck with your future, you are one of the strong ones.

 

Thank you for our words they mean a lot and I'm taking on board what everyone is saying.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry that this is happening to you, just awful to read.

 

He is still working with her? Another reason/sign that he isn't meant to be your husband. As painful as this is, you really have no choice but to walk away. The guy is a tool and eventually he'll realize this is HIS loss, not yours.

 

Go back home. Be with your family and friends who love and care about you. Start divorce proceedings, though.

 

There is no good reason to take him back. There wasn't a marriage and he certainly isn't husband material. He got caught. If you hadn't caught him, he'd still be having an affair..Keep that in mind. Imagine having 2 kids and 5 years from now finding out that he'd been cheating on you since before you two got married???? Imagine that pain! It would be much worse than it is now..

 

No way does he deserve a second chance. He blew it.

[whichwayisup]

I get what you mean about the anger, I feel more assertive when I am angry with the situation it's the sadness that disables me.

 

I wish you all the luck with your future, you are one of the strong ones.

 

Thank you for our words they mean a lot and I'm taking on board what everyone is saying.

 

Once that anger sets in, and it will, you'll see things differently. There are various stages of grief you're going to go through in the up coming months. This is why I'm hoping you'll go back home and have your support system close by.

[stillafool]

Jo - I am so sorry. Your story is heartbreaking. I can't wrap my head around some of these betrayal stories.

 

Please consider the advice you have been given by "veterans". The BSs who have been posting have all lived through the heartbreak. If you were my daughter, I would encourage you to seek a divorce ASAP. Twice betrayed before you were even married -before you have had to experience the hardships of childraising, bills, in-laws, housekeeping, etc. - is not a good sign. It is VERY LIKELY he will do it again.

 

You deserve better, Jo.

 

I agree with this and you have my sympathy. I can imagine how hurt you are but thank God you found out when you did. This man is 32 and already he wants a teenager. He is attracted to teenagers and that's a big problem. What will he do when you are pregnant and the changes your body will go through after giving birth? He would have carried on his affair after the honeymoon if you had not caught him. I think the age of this woman is very telling about your husband's desires. Get out while you can.

[Jo6526]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I keep thinking I'm going to feel like this for ever.

 

I had so much anger for the first 2 months, I could have taken on the world and wanted to hurt him so much. That's passed and got much less but the sadness has come.

 

Will I get angry again? Or am I still stuck in first stage?

 

I don't want to feel like this anymore

[waterwoman]

Your H is a s**t. Sorry but that is the only way I can describe him. So so sorry

[Mr. Lucky]

It's interesting that no one has said take him back, I know it's blindingly obvious.

Think about the hurt, pain and anger you felt when he cheated on you the first time. And then consider, having watched you go through that, the type of man that would intentionally subject you to that again. What does that say about him?

 

And what would it say about you to stay in that type of relationship ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jo6526]

Think about the hurt, pain and anger you felt when he cheated on you the first time. And then consider, having watched you go through that, the type of man that would intentionally subject you to that again. What does that say about him?

 

And what would it say about you to stay in that type of relationship ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I completely agree, im hoping in time I will be strong enough to walk away. Its just so scary just now.

 

I am so scared that everything has been taken from me; my future plans, my life with him.

 

I worry I wont meet anyone else, i wont have a family - its just so uncertain.

 

I think this is just because of the timining - throughout our engagement we were focused on the future and its all been taken away.

 

In some ways I wished he had left me, then I wouldnt have a choice. Him being around begging, pleading with me to take him back is horrid and I just want to hurt him so much to get him to understand the pain I am feeling.

[Snowflower]

 

 

In some ways I wished he had left me, then I wouldnt have a choice. Him being around begging, pleading with me to take him back is horrid and I just want to hurt him so much to get him to understand the pain I am feeling.

 

When I read your posts, it almost sounds in some ways that you're more sad about being alone than losing him. Please think about that and maybe that will give you strength to move forward.

 

I don't think he will ever understand how much it hurts you. If he had even a modicum of how much his cheating hurt you the first time, he wouldn't have done this to you again. I actually don't think any cheater--even a remorseful one--gets how much it hurts their betrayed partner until the cheater gets cheated on themselves.

 

So don't expect your H to understand. If you were to stay with him, I think you would spend the first several years of your marriage trying, in part, to get him to understand how much he hurt you. What a waste of time.

 

Some people just don't get it. It is all about their needs and how they feel and the fun they are having.

Edited January 9, 2013 by Snowflower

[BetrayedH]

Do your best not to be motivated by fear. It's no reason to stay in a marriage. Face your fears. They're honestly not that scary. Starting over can be very liberating; you have your whole life ahead of you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jo, Sorry to read of your situation. However you are 29 yrs old and a mature, confident professional and if only you will look inwards I am sure you will find the strength to walk away. Just walk away. Three months is married is not a long time and you will do your self a big favour. If you don't you may regret your indecision all your life. You have a long and happy life ahead of you and I am sure you will find some one worthy of your love and companionship in the future. Warm wishes to you.

[MrWindupBird]

Some men have a hole inside their heart that only new women can fill up. I don't know your husband, but even if he stops doing it, he might get depressed and start to turn into a bitter version of himself. I know this because I've been there myself. This is one of those things without a really solid fix to the problem. I wish you luck in your life and marriage.

[OJ loved Nicole]

I completely agree, im hoping in time I will be strong enough to walk away. Its just so scary just now.

 

I am so scared that everything has been taken from me; my future plans, my life with him.

 

I worry I wont meet anyone else, i wont have a family - its just so uncertain.

 

I think this is just because of the timining - throughout our engagement we were focused on the future and its all been taken away.

 

In some ways I wished he had left me, then I wouldnt have a choice. Him being around begging, pleading with me to take him back is horrid and I just want to hurt him so much to get him to understand the pain I am feeling.

 

Do you really want a future/family/life with him, this guy (who supposedly loves you) hurt you more than you dreamed you could hurt (x2)?

 

Every second you spend living with a cheater, is every second you get more used to living with a cheater. Every moment you spend with him you are talking yourself into staying with him, someone who cheated on you (x2).

 

He knew how bad he hurt you last time, he didn't care, or he cared enough to do it again. For me: once- mistake, maybe ok. Twice- off with your f*cking head!!

[Darren Steez]

You'll regret it more if you stay with him for the wrong reasons, he continues as he does and later down the line gets bored and leaves.

 

The giant red flags are waving in the horizon, most people don't get to see them out of ignorance or simply because they don't know. Count yourself lucky, yes it does hurt but it's also not your fault. Don't feel like you have failed.

 

Run towards that horizon and never look back, at 29 you are very young. Go live your life and find someone that will respect and love you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Friends do not hurt, lie and betray.

 

For the second time today:

 

They also don't let each other drive drunk.

 

OP: I married a serial cheat and found out when I was eight months pregnant.

 

We've seen this A LOT on here. Including shortly before and after weddings.

 

Those that leave (every one of the "right around the wedding" ones) are ALL BETTER AND HAPPIER after they go.

 

God would not want this for you. Truly. That is why there is annulment available.

 

YOU ARE IN SHOCK RIGHT NOW. that's why you are on the fence about this, but seriously: GET OUT EVEN BEFORE THE SHOCK WEARS OFF.

 

Get away from him physically etc.

 

Serial cheats are very charming and can twist your emotions and fears easily. If you read this post a month ago from someone else all you would think was : RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN.

 

By the way, AVERAGE age of a first-time bride in my country is 30, our marriages tend to last much longer etc. That's AVERAGE. which means that half of the women are older than that before they settle down.

 

If you stay with Joker here, you will always remember you wedding as a big, painful lie that reaches out across any life you build with him.

 

My H's behavior tore us apart, I stayed with him but the coloring it has had on EVERY DAY since is so hard to explain from this end of the spectrum. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS FROM DAY 3 OF MARRIAGE.

 

Your serial cheat may blanket you with "love" or rage at you for leaving or questioning him. He may cry tears for you and beg. But all of these actions come from a bottomless pit. Not that he is a bottomless pit per se. But those emotions can come up and present themselves until he needs to get "his life" in order again to become comfortable to cheat. He can't truly attach on a sexual and emotional level with ANYONE for whatever reason.

 

Betcha $10 Mommy was overbearing as Hell or neglected the crap out of him. Leaning toward the first scenario. Something about these guys and their Moms being unable to regulate themselves and bond normally with son.

 

GET OUT!

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I keep thinking I'm going to feel like this for ever.

 

I had so much anger for the first 2 months, I could have taken on the world and wanted to hurt him so much. That's passed and got much less but the sadness has come.

 

Will I get angry again? Or am I still stuck in first stage?

 

I don't want to feel like this anymore

 

You already are alone.

 

In fact you are married and alone with someone who will always demand of you and act as though the reason they can't stay faithful is because you aren't providing them with enough.

 

You are enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. and if you weren't he SHOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED YOU. what he is doing is abusive and he clearly knows your trigger of guilt and fear of being alone.

 

Right now you are the most alone you could ever be. You don't even know it.

 

You have someone physically present that cannot connect with you as you really are and really long for.

 

You know who I feel bad for? Not your cheating husband who has every opportunity to let you go and live an honest life without a tainted marriage. I feel honest for the good guy that doesn't have you right now. The guy who wants a good, faithful, loyal woman to build a real family and have children with.

 

That guy. Because you aren't showing up to be with him.

 

You want to stay slumming because you are too afraid to go out and meet him.

 

You've nothing invested with this histrionic (google it) void. You are three months in with no babies and a cheating history. Your feelings about this will not dissipate. And God forbid you being a baby into this. You'll feel the guilt for that FOREVER.

 

Every time your husband goes on the Internet or out the door to go shopping, you'll wonder, " is this the time? Is he meeting someone? Is she prettier? Ate they sleeping together? Should I go with him?"

 

Every time you go to bed earlier than him you'll wonder what he did when he was up later. Every time you go away to visit your family or do a day trip with a girlfriend you'll want to go back home to make sure he isn't cheating.

 

Every time you go out you'll see other women and wonder, "I wonder if he tried to pick up any of them OR I wonder if he would try to pick up anyone if I was here."

 

If you think 29 is tough. 30 will hit you like a ton of bricks because you'll wonder just how valuable you are to a guy who cheats with 19 year olds. What about 40? 50? When you are pregnant?

 

This guy can't check-in between his own wedding and honeymoon. He certainly isn't going to check-in as a father. Can you see him crying and begging his son to forgive him for missing most of his baseball season because he didn't care enough to show up. Nice for a kid. Real nice.

 

You are In a cell. Fear is your jailer and your cellmate will stab you in the back. He may not even WANT to but it is his nature. He's DONE NOTHING to show real change and he SPIT ON WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TIMES OF YOUR LIFE.

 

Go and spit on your wedding pictures. Get the dog to lick and sneeze all over them. That way at least you will have an artistic impression of what this man has done.

 

Sounds dramatic? Wait until you see drama like bawling OW and risk of STDs and illegitimate children. These things aren't just on tv. They are your life's legacy if you stay with this man.

 

I lost EVERYTHING with my husband. It cost tons of $$$$$$ to get him help and treatment. The only thing that remotely working was booting his ass to the curb. And you will HAVE TO eventually. You can't possibly exist in a life like this over the long term without dying inside emotionally or hitting a bottom where you refuse to flicker out.

 

I have lost pieces of myself that I simply cannot get back. I see other couples in the street and I know that I am INCAPABLE of ever feeling that level of openness with another human being EVER again. Because of the SERIAL cheating. It even affected the bonding with my daughter. That KILLS me.

 

The serial cheating made me feel like I have NOTHING to offer anyone, even my child. Emotionally I felt like I HAD to prop this man up because clearly he "had problems" and "couldn't do it himself" and "he's sorry."

 

He watched me sob on the floor so many nights and changed NOTHING until it AFECTED HIM. He hid it better bit by bit and then kept getting caught.

 

Every time he is 10 mins late I wonder. Every time I open my front door I wonder if I will find him home or catch him being inappropriate on the Internet trying to pick up other women. Not just sometimes EVERY TIME.

 

It DOES NOT GO AWAY ON IT'S OWN.

 

And you can only take so much.

 

The only hope for me was after three years of beyond misery I tossed him. Than I began to recover. I only realized TODAY how much I didn't maintain those gains when I took him back and now HE TAKES ME FOR GRANTED.

 

Serial cheats will always go to the lowest default behavior they can get away with. Relationships are not truly worth their effort because they always (be it mentally or physically) have their Plan B lined up. The loss isn't real to them. Because the relationship isn't real.

 

GET OUT and find something REAL before his demons destroy you and they will stop at nothing to do so and his demons do not play fair, they break all of their promises and they will not stop until they consume you both. You might not have lived with him long enough to see it yet, but that's about as accurate as it gets.

 

I'm sorry OP. Move along, there's nothing worth seeing here.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

No way does he deserve a second chance. He blew it.

 

This would be a third chance.

 

THAT YOU KNOW OF.