Discovery of affair 3 days after wedding.

[Jo6526]

Hello everyone,

 

Ive been lurking on here for a while now reading some of your stories, what strong people you all are.

 

Just looking to tell my story and maybe someone can relate as I am so very much at a loss.

 

I got married 3 months ago, im catholic and took my vows seriously, marriage to me was a thought out process and I believed I was marrying my partner for life.

 

he really was my best friend.

 

3 days after we married, half an hour before we left on honeymoon, I quickly popped onto my ipad to send a email to find messages from my husband to a 19 year old he worked with telling her he couldn't wait to see her when he got back from honeymoon for kisses and cuddles. He is 32 year old.

 

Cutting a long story short - he's worked with this girl for a few years, they started an affair 2 months before the wedding. They met onace a week in work, kisses/cuddles. Met one day on a weekend I was on my hen weekend. I dont believe they had sex due to lack of opportunity but it was definitely sexual as I found pictures they had sent one another. From phone bills he sent her over 2000 text messages in 6 weeks and 100 picture message so it was quite obsessive.

 

It finished second I found out but I am completely devestated and feel like my whole world has fallen apart.

 

I can understand it was an ego boast for him and he is embarrassed, humiliated and remorseful however this is not the first time, similar thing happened near 4 years ago, again ended when I found out similar texting relationship and meeting lasted about 6 weeks.

 

his actions afterwards are questionable he has lied, covered things up and I find this difficult to deal with.

 

Writing this down I dont think I have a choice but to leave him but I am utterly devastated and humiliated. I married this man, I love him and cannot comprehend him doing this to me let alone during the most important time of our lives.

 

He is doing all the right things, being there, taking the shouting/anger I give to him but I just dont know what to do next.

 

In some ways its been 3 months now and I am carrying on with my life hoping I will get stronger to make a decision, only certain people know i.e parents, some friends that makes it easier as I feel ive let myself down.

 

Does it get easier? Should I be stupid to think this man could change?

 

At a time in my life where I was getting married making plans to have a family etc im just so scared that at 29 im never going to be happy, I really thought I found the one.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry you find yourself here. At least you are not alone.

 

I think the significant part of your situation is that this isn't his first time.

 

Personally, I think just about anyone can be deserving of a second chance. Some people believe, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't think that's true.

 

I believe, "Once a cheater, not always a cheater; twice a cheater, always a cheater."

 

Reconciling after infidelity is incredibly difficult. It takes 2-5 years to truly reconcile. Only recently married? No children together? He's cheated on you again after being caught once before? Seek an annulment.

 

ETA: I wish I was 29. You have plenty of life ahead of you. You should try discovering this crap at age 42 when you have a six year old and a ten year old together. I have to coparent with my lovely exwife pretty much daily for the next 12 years.

Edited January 8, 2013 by BetrayedH

[road]

Cutting a long story short - he's worked with this girl for a few years, they started an affair 2 months before the wedding.

 

 

this is not the first time, similar thing happened near 4 years ago, again ended when I found out similar texting relationship and meeting lasted about 6 weeks.

 

his actions afterwards are questionable he has lied, covered things up

 

 

Does it get easier? Should I be stupid to think this man could change?

 

 

He is a serial cheater.

Yes it gets not only easier but better after you dump him.

Yes you are stupid to think he will change.

Though you can smarten up.

Unfortunately he will not smarten up.

[Jo6526]

Thank you so much for your replies.

 

I completely agree with everything you are saying.

 

I dont regret for a second taking him back the first time; people make mistakes and I believe they can change. For him to forget the devastation caused so quickly is horrible

 

The age she was completely floored me, not many people I have spoken to think it is an issue but I work with young people that age and a 13 year age gap at that age really makes me feel sick.

 

Re:Children - that is the biggest decision maker for me. We didnt have problems or issues, our life was fairly simple without stresses I keep thinking how he would act if we have the stress of children/financial worries.

 

When i speak about it (3 months on) I know what I need to do, but making this decision and telling people what has happened, looking into an annuelement and realising im losing him is a pain that hurts so much.

 

I just wish I had the strength to walk away!*

 

*I currently live 435 miles from my family, based in the UK (I moved for him 4 years ago) so feeling really isolated.

 

Im still at the stage that I cant believe this has happened, it honestly feels like a nightmare.

[mitchell]

How was your honeymoon?

[Jo6526]

Reading back my initial post, i feel so stupid.

 

Im a confident (or was) professional. I am kind and loyal and adored him.

 

I know I dont have a choice but why cant I run away?

 

I feel so let down, like this feeling will stay with me forever. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when its all over.

[Decorative]

You'll feel better about leaving when you realize he did not forget about the devastation caused the first time. He remembered. He just chose to inflict it on you again.

 

That's why you should leave. This is a pattern. And it's a pattern that only serves to hurt you.

 

I am so very sorry this happened.

 

But run fast and never look back. You don't have kids- you don't have a lifelong marriage- you are young. You can do so much better.

[Jo6526]

How was your honeymoon?

 

The lowest time of my life. Had to get away to ask questions and try and get some answers; got told lie after lie.

 

The pain and hurt I felt during this time was horrendous.

 

Flew straight home to my family.

[Jo6526]

I don't have any advice for the OP and I do feel sorry for the situation she is in but I don't think the age of the girl he had the affair with changes anything. I can't see the situation being any different if she was in her 30's. I am only 23 and my girlfriend is 43, I don't think age is relevant at all.

 

He is still a scumbag for what he did and needs to be kicked to the curb but the age is irrelevant to it all.

 

I agree betrayal is betrayal but for me her age does make a difference (not the age gap)

 

there is a difference between a teenager and a 20 something women.

 

He has worked beside her since she was 16 and pursued her, it is an issue, she was a teenager and he was a 32 year old man.

[Jo6526]

Yes, that is scary. That alone would make me run. Like a predator. Do her parents know? I feel for the poor girl too. I know you are probably angry with her but she was taken for a ride too.

 

Her mum is one of his bosses!

 

I emailed the 19 year old and mum jumped to her defence.

 

I dont think mum knows it all but she does know. Nothing has happened to him regards work and they still work together.

 

I am a total fool.

[Jo6526]

can you make a clean break and transfer near your family?

 

There is nothing to be ashamed of. Tell your family the nightmare you are living and let them help you. The shame is all his. He got married knowingly cheating. How sad. He is a broken person with a major personality flaw. You have to get away. You can not help him. He can only drag you down.

 

I am planning to. I have a good job and dont want to just leave. Im trying to look for work.

 

We were always planning on moving back near my family this year so im just doing it a little earlier.

 

My parents have been amazing but they just feel helpless for me.

[Jo6526]

That's remarkable. He's probably closer to the mum's age. I'm hoping the mum thinks it is just a flirtation. I can not imagine approving of this with a married 32 year old.

 

She probably told her mum it was only flirting/texting as I too cant imagine a mother not being more alarmed.

[Jo6526]

She's a teenager. That's the point. keedityp I'm fine with your relationship. It's not the age difference. It's a grown mature with lots of experience man going after a girl he's known when she was 16.

 

Exactly. He was an mature 32 year old man.

 

She wasnt a mature 19 year old; the situation makes that clear i.e carrying on with a man weeks before his wedding, sending him texts telling him to enjoy his honeymoon this isnt the actions of a mature 19 year old.

[bentnotbroken]

She probably told her mum it was only flirting/texting as I too cant imagine a mother not being more alarmed.

 

 

You would be surprised how many daughters who imitate their mothers. Mother might not be so shocked.

[Jo6526]

You would be surprised how many daughters who imitate their mothers. Mother might not be so shocked.

 

I think the same. her mother might think she was on to a good thing

[Spark1111]

She probably told her mum it was only flirting/texting as I too cant imagine a mother not being more alarmed.

 

Send mum some proof, or not.

 

I think you can end this by annulment rather easily, but I think you need to get out and away from him.

 

He is extremely immature. Have you asked him why he married you if he still intended to play the field?

 

The last thing you want is a man forced into marriage by familial expectations. He will resnt it and you for a lifetime and be a piss poor partner to boot.

 

Wish he and 19 well, and move out.

[Jo6526]

Send mum some proof, or not.

 

I think you can end this by annulment rather easily, but I think you need to get out and away from him.

 

He is extremely immature. Have you asked him why he married you if he still intended to play the field?

 

The last thing you want is a man forced into marriage by familial expectations. He will resnt it and you for a lifetime and be a piss poor partner to boot.

 

Wish he and 19 well, and move out.

 

I have spoken to a priest and he says an annulment should be possible, such a relief I just feel anxious about the time of this though, should I be acting quickly etc. Thats one of main reasons I dont think I could give him another chance, marriage means too much to me and the option of him leaving me without me being able to marry again in catholic church is too much.

 

He keeps saying he didnt not want to marry me, the affair was a fling. That nothing was going to happen after we got back from honeymoon, its comical!

 

I believe he loves me, I believe he wanted to marry me and I believe he wanted to have family with me. However, I dont believe he wouldnt do this to me again and thats the hardest part.

[bentnotbroken]

I have spoken to a priest and he says an annulment should be possible, such a relief I just feel anxious about the time of this though, should I be acting quickly etc. Thats one of main reasons I dont think I could give him another chance, marriage means too much to me and the option of him leaving me without me being able to marry again in catholic church is too much.

 

He keeps saying he didnt not want to marry me, the affair was a fling. That nothing was going to happen after we got back from honeymoon, its comical!

 

I believe he loves me, I believe he wanted to marry me and I believe he wanted to have family with me. However, I dont believe he wouldnt do this to me again and thats the hardest part.

 

 

Work the details out as soon as you can.

[Jo6526]

Work the details out as soon as you can.

 

Have meeting with priest on Friday to chat things through.

 

I cannot believe this has happened to me.

[JamesM]

However, I dont believe he wouldnt do this to me again and thats the hardest part.

 

This is the biggest reason that you should leave him. I also believe that marriage is for our lifetimes, but he obviously doesn't.

 

Is this his first marriage? Has he cheated on anyone else in the past?

 

I think an annulment is in order.

 

I feel for you and the pain and anger you are dealing with. It is not an easy time.

[ComingInHot]

Jo;

What you're writing, it's beyond comprehension.

 

You are seeking advice and support. It's a step in the right direction and probably all you can handle at this time. You have the love and support of family and close friends. Don't forget that!

 

I'm concerned that you are isolated via miles from your support team while he is daily surrounded by those that would wish harm to you and your marriage. DAILY, I repeat.

 

The next step I would think, is to figure out just How Much You Can take...

 

And that in itself may take you time to discover. Once you Know how much you can take w/your husband's infidelity, this young woman Not going away (as you stated they work together) , the OW's Mother having a part, your support system on another continent etc... THEN you will be able to set a plan of action in place whether that be a Third chance or a fresh start.

 

Know this, this "thing" that has happened To You is Not Bigger or stronger than you. It does Not have to define you for life. You are in control of your life, even when life seems to be spiraling out of control.

 

Take a breath. Be thankful for your blessings. Count each one daily, hourly, moment by moment. And once you KNOW what your body, mind & would can and cannot take, you'll know what to do.

 

My Amazing Mother told me, "CIH, God intended for your marriage to be forever BUT He NEVER intended for you to be a door mat. This may Not be the intended marriage He had planned for you."

 

I hope you continue shedding the pain til you can see more clearly what direction you need to go*

[Spark1111]

I have spoken to a priest and he says an annulment should be possible, such a relief I just feel anxious about the time of this though, should I be acting quickly etc. Thats one of main reasons I dont think I could give him another chance, marriage means too much to me and the option of him leaving me without me being able to marry again in catholic church is too much.

 

He keeps saying he didnt not want to marry me, the affair was a fling. That nothing was going to happen after we got back from honeymoon, its comical!

 

I believe he loves me, I believe he wanted to marry me and I believe he wanted to have family with me. However, I dont believe he wouldnt do this to me again and thats the hardest part.

 

They say the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. He was caught, you were devastated, you forgave him, he did it again.

 

He does not share your values, which are based on your religious beliefs.

 

He does not value honesty, fidelity. He does not share your religious convictions. He just pays lip service to them.

 

If you were to have children, the church would not allow you to annul. There would be tremendous pressure to stay married for the sake of the children. You would sacrifice your happiness for their's; and he may treat you ten times worse, using your fath to keep you in place.

 

Please do not do this to yourself.

 

If he cannot stay faithful during the wedding and ceremony; if he can stand up in a church and take sacred vows while lying before God, family, friends, he is not the man for you.

 

Get out now, and find a man who shares your convictions and lives them. You will never be happy long-term with this man.

[Jo6526]

This is the biggest reason that you should leave him. I also believe that marriage is for our lifetimes, but he obviously doesn't.

 

Is this his first marriage? Has he cheated on anyone else in the past?

 

I think an annulment is in order.

 

I feel for you and the pain and anger you are dealing with. It is not an easy time.

Thanx James.

 

Yes both our first marriage. I don't think he's cheated before, quite possibly though.

 

Most horrible time in my whole life, keep reminding myself I will get though it. I know I will miss him dearly I thought he was the one, my best friend.

 

Today hasn't been a great day.

[Spark1111]

Thanx James.

 

Yes both our first marriage. I don't think he's cheated before, quite possibly though.

 

Most horrible time in my whole life, keep reminding myself I will get though it. I know I will miss him dearly I thought he was the one, my best friend.

 

Today hasn't been a great day.

 

Friends do not hurt, lie and betray.

[Jo6526]

Jo;

What you're writing, it's beyond comprehension.

 

You are seeking advice and support. It's a step in the right direction and probably all you can handle at this time. You have the love and support of family and close friends. Don't forget that!

 

I'm concerned that you are isolated via miles from your support team while he is daily surrounded by those that would wish harm to you and your marriage. DAILY, I repeat.

 

The next step I would think, is to figure out just How Much You Can take...

 

And that in itself may take you time to discover. Once you Know how much you can take w/your husband's infidelity, this young woman Not going away (as you stated they work together) , the OW's Mother having a part, your support system on another continent etc... THEN you will be able to set a plan of action in place whether that be a Third chance or a fresh start.

 

Know this, this "thing" that has happened To You is Not Bigger or stronger than you. It does Not have to define you for life. You are in control of your life, even when life seems to be spiraling out of control.

 

Take a breath. Be thankful for your blessings. Count each one daily, hourly, moment by moment. And once you KNOW what your body, mind & would can and cannot take, you'll know what to do.

 

My Amazing Mother told me, "CIH, God intended for your marriage to be forever BUT He NEVER intended for you to be a door mat. This may Not be the intended marriage He had planned for you."

 

I hope you continue shedding the pain til you can see more clearly what direction you need to go*

 

Thank you, made me cry (In a good way)

 

Beautiful words that make complete sense.

 

Im giving myself time to think and process but I know deep down I dont have an option but its getting me through the day knowing I have a choice as its all been taken from me so quickly, whole world turned upside down.

 

I know I deserve better its just so scary and daunting leaving, starting again when all I wanted was him.

 

Take each day at a time - what great advice