JakeP Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 There is a girl that I'm attracted to and I'm interested in her, but I'm not sure if I should pursue her. We are friends and have been study partners for the last 3 semesters of university. So we spend quite a bit of time together, almost daily. It's obvious that she likes me. I see it and our friends do as well. Normally the past doesn't matter, but if it affects the present than it does. I'm not going to go into detail but basically she dated a psycho for a couple years who was physically, verbally and sexually abusive and he stalked her and tried to kill her when she broke up with him. This was 7 years ago. He isn't the issue (lives on the other side of the country and is always in and out of jail). The issue is that she is very nervous about everything. We've been friends for 2 years and I've never even touched her (hug, shoulder, etc) or gone out with her alone (movie, park, shopping, etc.) because she is too nervous/too distrustful. It would take a lot of time, if ever, to have a normal relationship with her... years. I don't want to end up hurting her. She really wants to be with someone. We've talked about it, not about us but in general. But she needs someone who can go really, really slow. I'm talking maybe 8-12 months to just kiss. As you can imagine that would be hard to find, especially in early to mid 20 year olds. I have no clue if I can be that or not. I've talked to all of my friends about it and none of them think I should be with her. There are plenty of girls out there, and they think I should be with one of them. They say I am being blind about it and maybe I am. Would I be a complete fool to get mixed up in this?
phineas Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 LOL, she knows you are talking about her when you were talking about this stuff in general. Sorry, but 8 months just to kiss? If she isn't looking to string you along then she needs to be in some therapy. That isn't normal. And what if, after 8 months & you do kiss & she decides there is no chemistry? Good-bye sweet youth. My advice is always the same when a woman doesn't want to be romantic with me. Keep them around as friends but date others. She'll either become a good friend, try to cock-block you, or all of a sudden want to get with you. either way, you are not wasting your time on her while ignoring real potential GF's.
Author JakeP Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 LOL, she knows you are talking about her when you were talking about this stuff in general. Sorry, but 8 months just to kiss? If she isn't looking to string you along then she needs to be in some therapy. That isn't normal. And what if, after 8 months & you do kiss & she decides there is no chemistry? Good-bye sweet youth. My advice is always the same when a woman doesn't want to be romantic with me. Keep them around as friends but date others. She'll either become a good friend, try to cock-block you, or all of a sudden want to get with you. either way, you are not wasting your time on her while ignoring real potential GF's. Yeah, she probably did know. I highly doubt we would have no chemistry... Let's say that did happen, I wouldn't have wasted my youth... She does want to be romantic, just more slowly. I highly doubt she wants to go slow, more like she has to (psychologically).
Imported Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Your friends told you what they think and it wasn't the answer you were looking for. So, 8 to 12 months to kiss and you've already known her for 24 months. I understand you might think that the 24 months doesn't count, but I think it counts for something. She knows you and is comfortable with you.
TheZebra Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Your friends told you what they think and it wasn't the answer you were looking for. So, 8 to 12 months to kiss and you've already known her for 24 months. I understand you might think that the 24 months doesn't count, but I think it counts for something. She knows you and is comfortable with you. Very true. What's the additional 8 months... 8 months of being in an exclusive relationship? That's rough. If it was just another 8 months for the sake of 8 months, then I'd say just wait but check out other girls on the side (if you're not committed).
Treasa Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 She sounds like she could use personal counseling more than a boyfriend right now. Poor girl. However, no amount of time with you will get her to release her baggage. She might be scarred from this for a very long time.
Author JakeP Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 The 8-12 months isn't a for sure thing, but it would take time. And yes, that would be in an exclusive relationship. I didn't mention, but I guess I should have, that she is in therapy. She has been for years. 2
todreaminblue Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 (edited) I think asking a guy to wait 8 months for a kiss is a bit much,sounds like ptsd issues.......others have posted that she should get counseling I agree,you have known thsi girl a while if she is this nervous why isnt she in counseling now? I have issues as far as men go.....but I know all men are not the men i have dated,I do know when men touch me however,I notice it.....i have been more desensitised to it lately.....the more guys touch the more desensitised i become......i mean shoulder touches, arm touches, slight brushes....that sort of thing and this with men i dont know well, i freeze a bit, but i settle....the only tiem i didtn settle and felt really uncomfortable was when a guy on a pier held me around the back of my neck..he was doing it in a friendly manner but it over stepped my boundaries with a giant leap and a flashback because that was too much....way way too much for me...i dotn like guys grabbing my neck...and he did that when i was trying to tell him look i come down here to de stress.....and then he laughed and did the neck thing...not smart......I woudl say go for it too, but talk to her about desensitising and going out more....i cant stand crowds because i cant scan faces in a crowd....and i may have an enemy at th emoment...lol....yep paranoid with reason...so maybe take her to somewhere natural,a park, a beach, somewhere peaceful......touch her arm often..guide her to a seat, hold her hand crossing the road just take that hand and smile....like its natural for you to do.......i dont mean every second, desensitize her to touch....so she can associate touch with a smiling face....dont wait for 8 months for a kiss...steal a kiss while she is laughing one day in the future.....an unexpected one...i dont think you should or will have to wait for a kiss if you do a few little things to dull her heightened sense of fight or flight response..if you want to make that effort that is..goodluck......deb Edited January 9, 2013 by todreaminblue
phineas Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Yeah, she probably did know. I highly doubt we would have no chemistry... Let's say that did happen, I wouldn't have wasted my youth... She does want to be romantic, just more slowly. I highly doubt she wants to go slow, more like she has to (psychologically). Except, i've never seen these types of situations end well for the guy.
GLDheart Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 You are her soft landing. You are her "safe guy". You will be there for her as she heals... and then, once she is ready for risk again, she will most likely chase someone that sparks her attraction. This girl stayed with that wacko for a reason. Buyer Beware.
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