TheUnthoughtKnown Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 I've made a point of never looking at my ex's Fb. I just hated the idea. I thought it made me seem weak and needy, plus in my head she hasn't changed from the person I knew 3 years ago and if I was to start looking at her Fb (which is public) I'd find out lots of stuff about her that's taken place over the last 3 years that I just don't want to know. But tonight, I did it. And the worst part is I don't even know why. I get bouts of nostalgia regularly (seriously, check my other posts), and recently got in touch with an old ex I was on good terms with. Add to that, I attended a funeral of a relative of mine and got back in touch with some people I haven't seen in years (I did a thread on that too.) So I'm sitting here attempting to write a short story, and purely out of curiosity I decided to check my ex's Fb. Why not, right? I've come this far. In her picture she was standing in an embrace with a fellow I take to be her bf. This guy looks nothing like me, which irks me no end. I'd have taken some pleasure in seeing a very similar person to myself, an indication that perhaps I wasn't some kind of fluke, that she really did care about me, but no. This guy looks a bit douchey. I don't mean that in a jealous sense, honestly. In the picture he's wearing a suit jacket, trendy jeans, shaved hair at the sides, spiked up in the middle. I'm stocky; slightly overweight but it suits my build; I have a beard and messy, unkempt hair which is slightly receding. I wear what feels comfortable and I'm told I have a very laidback look. In fact, one of my friends say I look like a thinner version of the director Kevin Smith. You see how I'm curious about this difference? She was always more into guys like that. She liked me, she said, for my humour, good nature, and that undefinable chemistry between us. But there she goes to some guy who is the complete opposite of me. I bet she doesn't think about me at all. Not even a thought. She was the reason I joined this site in 2010. The reason I drank obsessively for months, the reason I spent an entire summer struggling to enjoy anything. I would like to think she would allow me some space in her mind, some recognition of the impact I had on her life. I'm with someone now, someone I'm very happy with and I don't want my ex back at all. Really. What I want is an admittance; that I mattered. Of all my exs, she was the one for whom all roads seemed to converge upon. She was The One. I'd never tried as hard with anyone as I did with her, nor feel so strongly for so long. I mean, I chased the girl for over 3 years before we got together. We were best friends for 2 years before we hooked up. None of that matters at all? I left no lasting impact? She'll ignore my memory and move on to the kind of guys I used to mock with her? F*ck...I promised myself I'd never do this again...
Sugarkane Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 She's known you years so I don't think she will completely forget about you. It seems not uncommon that people date the complete opposite after a breakup. Ive wondered why people do this. I'm surprised her profile is public, I don't know anyone that has theirs on public- ever! That is how I could never get a resolution- I couldn't snoop. So I take it like it was a test for you? Why now? It scares me when people see (on fb or real life) and still feel this way about an ex. Looking at their fb is like an addiction, but you're not actually part of their life anymore. I think it's natural that you want to feel like you mattered. Everyone on here wants that too. Do you feel satisfied with snooping? I don't think you should do it again.
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 She's known you years so I don't think she will completely forget about you. It seems not uncommon that people date the complete opposite after a breakup. Ive wondered why people do this. I'm surprised her profile is public, I don't know anyone that has theirs on public- ever! That is how I could never get a resolution- I couldn't snoop. So I take it like it was a test for you? Why now? It scares me when people see (on fb or real life) and still feel this way about an ex. Looking at their fb is like an addiction, but you're not actually part of their life anymore. I think it's natural that you want to feel like you mattered. Everyone on here wants that too. Do you feel satisfied with snooping? I don't think you should do it again. I don't feel satisfied with it - I feel dirty, really. I feel like I sold myself out. She's the kind of person for whom the words "extrovert," "outgoing," and "open" apply to, so having a public profile isn't an issue for her. She's the kind of girl who gets angry if you're dating her but leave your status as single. She places a lot of stock in it. I don't see it as a test, I've never been tempted before. She would take satisfaction from knowing I was doing that, and I'd never want to give her that. So why now? As I mentioned, the past week has been tough. The past few months, to be fair, haven't been a picnic. I'm stuck in a dead end job and I'm spending sleepless nights trying to figure out what I'm going to do to change my life. Looking forward always inclines me to look back - and so I reflected on my life as it was when she and I were together. I was in college then, and the future held more possibilities than it does now. Then I kissed her for the 1st time and it felt like I was going to get everything I wanted - the job I'd dreamed of, the girl I'd been madly in love with for years, and all the small things those two dreams entailed. Fast forward 3 years and I have neither of those things. I have a gf I love, who's just as confused and scared of life as I am right now, so I landed on my feet there. I was listening to sad music, remembering all these things and I decided to look. For what it's worth, I didn't actually look at her page. I typed her name in the search bar and the picture popped up - that's all I needed. That's all I'll need. I get this feeling when I see her, be it in a picture or real life, where I can't believe my luck that I got to share a bed with her for a time, that I got to call her my gf. And I congratulate myself because the child I was never thought I'd have attracted someone like this girl. She's very attractive, and has one of those smiles that makes you want to be a better man so you can deserve to be smiled at like that. After that feeling fades, I'm left with the urge to drink - and I often feel excited sbout that feeling because then I get to drunkenly dream of a life I've always wanted - and for that time I'm drunk it still seems achievable.
na49 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 It's not you vs. him. It was you or him. She's chosen him. Chalk it up as a loss. It hurts, it sucks to know that the person we loved doesn't want us anymore. but it is what it is. You know what you did wrong. Just don't do it again. There's actually nothing you can do about it now. Does she really owe you anything now? You haven't been a part of her life for so long, she's probably over you. Hasn't forgotten you, but is over you. This sucks for me to write. Because I'm actually coming to terms with the same thing right now. Wasn't trying to be harsh, just trying to be real.
Sugarkane Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 I don't think listening to sad music or drinking is a good idea. Think about what you want to do? This usually makes me feel much better. Is there something you want to do, but have been putting off?
Mr Scorpio Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 Alright. You screwed up, caved in, and look at her FB picture. Lesson learned? I can understand how that would be enough to kick you in the ribs. You say you have a partner at present? Lean on her, not memories of a woman who chose to leave you.
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted January 9, 2013 Author Posted January 9, 2013 I don't think listening to sad music or drinking is a good idea. Think about what you want to do? This usually makes me feel much better. Is there something you want to do, but have been putting off? Oh yes, there's lots of things I've been wanting to do. It's not a matter of putting them off, more like I don't have the time or the resources to do them. Since I was around 9 or so I've been writing stories and I've always wanted to get published. I don't have the time to write though due to work. As well as this, I'd like to go on holiday. My gf and I have been talking about it for about a year now but, again, we have neither the time nor the money. I know drinking isn't the answer, but it's nice to just shed myself of those worries for a small time, they really do make life so difficult to handle sometimes. And memories of this woman don't help. After 3 years I thought I'd be rid of her but I'm still holding on and I can't figure out how to let go...
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