lovemaddie24 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hello. First off I'd like to start saying my name is Maddie and until recently I have been very skeptical of anything self-help esk in my life. I however got up the courage to pick up a happiness book from the library and read the entire thing at light speed, concluding that there are many things I need to change within my life to be concent and happy with everything I have going for me. The book mentioned things you'd guess like exercising more, hanging out with friends me. One thing that really stuck out to me however, was to join a forum, so here I am... and boy do I need help! I don't know if my boyfriend and my relationship is concidered a long distance relationship, he lives about an hour away and we see each other when money will allow every weekend. I'd like to take a pause and just say anyone who can withstand being away from a loved one for more than a month is seriously someone who is amazing and so grounded. I however become a blubbering fool every good bye, even if it's just for a week. Some background information on our relationship. We met online which is the reason for the distance. I am very thankful it is not more, but this even after almost 10 months takes getting used to. Some unfortunetly events have led him and I to the spot we are in now. I am working a pretty ****ty, bottom of the barrel job, while going to college and he is jobless. He is texting me from a phone which bill hasn't been paid for in over a week, and I pray everyday the company will give us some more texting time together. Lately it seems that everytime we have a converstion over the phone is becomes a fight... which is why we text message so much. When we see each other over the weekend, it's normal and nothing seems to have been missed. Its the days and sometimes weeks inbetween that become so hard for me to handle. I am the type of girl who gives tough love when all someone really needs is a shoulder to cry on, unfortunetly I can't give him that either most of the time. Everything just seems so hopeless between us. I do not want to give us, but I wish for something special to happen for me as well; from him. I've been doing my very best to keep it together but when we are together our realtionship is like we've been married for years. Nothing new, nothing sweet, nothing romantic. I'm starting to think I should be planning cheap romantic dates just to get him to be in a romantic spot with me. The distance on my end, and somewhat money are constantly eating away at me and making me question this relationship. His home situation, still living at home with mom, jobless and always hunting for a job but never finding anything is just beating him up. So if you have made it this far, I could really use a friend or some advice. I'm not a quitter, so if at all possible I would like to try and keep this relationship intact until I know I have tried my hardest. I would love to hear from anyone, and everyone... I can take the criticism... or even just a statement that I am all over the place in my writing of this post. Thank you, everyone. And again, everyone who can wait long weeks and months for their loved ones, you are my hero. Maddie.
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 It sounds like you really want this to work. Life is hard and unfair. Sometimes we must give up, what we wouldn't. However, I am not here to tell you that; you want it to work. 1) Are you prepared for more? What I mean is: more problems. He doesn't have any money and is trying to find a job. This will sum-up soon; he will not be able to text you, may not get to see you. That will be a problem. 2) Are you ready to put forth more an effort? With no job, no money: You will be doing all the buying, and all the seeing. Is that fair? Consider your college will take money. You will be grounded for sometime; unable to live, as you should. This will require more effort and money on your end. 3) Be ready for hardly any Romance?! Actually, this goes two-ways. 1) It is impossible for him, to change-up his style and be romantic, in differing ways: no job, no money to spend on romantic evenings. Not entirely his fault; but it is still. 2) He can still be romantic with no money. He lives with his mom,correct? He could pack a picnic. Take you to a nice place, maybe an important place: for you two. Then sit, eat, talk, cuddle as the sun sets and stars are in the Heavens. This means hinting or expressing you'd like a romantic date! Maybe a picnic, as he has no money. Either-way. It will not be easy. Money is too much an issue. You may have to give-up a few more things to make this work. Since you want it to work. How long has he been looking for a job? This matters. If he has for more than a year, then it's troublesome. If he has had no phone calls, in months, for jobs he has applied for: that is trouble. Some people will tell you they are looking for a job, when they aren't. So as to deceive and hold onto what otherwise they cannot. Be careful of this. Expect continued problems. Money isn't all that. But it matters enough. You need it. Living with parents, in times of need, isn't a problem: it can become one though. 1
salparadise Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 Hang tough Maddie. The first thing that both of you should do is adopt with the word grace and use it as your relationship mantra. Integrate all the subtle nuances of the word and use as the filter through which you see yourselves and the universe. Your problems will become smaller and your gifts much greater. An hour really isn't a huge distance unless you make it so in your mind. Whenever you're tempted to argue say something kind instead, whenever you're tempted to blame or accuse try harder to empathize and understand. Money is a tough one. Not sure what your boyfriend's problem is in finding a job, but you should try and hold two kinds of perspective on this. First is that money is imaginary and insignificant compared to love; given a choice there's not doubt which I'd choose. Second is that even in light of #1 you still need some cash flow. It's one of those things where it doesn't really matter unless you don't have any (or enough). If your boyfriend can't even find menial work then there's almost certainly a problem that you should be aware of (because staying with someone who is unemployable will define your life). If it's that he can't find the job he wants then I'd recommend being patient but don't be willing to wait indefinitely. This country lost nine million jobs in the recession and after five years only half have returned and underemployment is the norm. Look at it as a problem that must be solved, but try not to let it define who either of you are. 2
Author lovemaddie24 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 Thank you sooo much to you both! I came on after writing my post last night, refreshed and thinking honestly there are bigger problems to look over and comment on... not mine. You both have brought me to tears ( something I have experienced more so now that I'm growing older, crying alot sucks! ) Anyways, you all have very valid points and I am so please not one said to give up My boyfriend lives with his unemployeed mother, I think I forgot to mention that. His uncle also lives around town and he is also unemployeed. I have told my boyfriend it may be necessary to get away from all this unemployment depression and move closer to a job. He seemed interested and applied to a job about 20 minutes away from me, close to a train line. He got a reply, but than never got another after he replied. He is in a very hard situation, all his life choices from before I met him. He currently doesn't have a drivers license, and is awaiting court trails to get it back sooner than 5 years. He was fired from his job of 7 years maybe only 5 months after we started dating, and thus can't recieve unemployment. He found a job doing what he was previously doing when he got fired but with a shady guy. After not being able to pay him right before Christmas ( saying he worked too many hours, but when he started the unorganized boss never gave him a set schedule ) His new boss than told him he came upon some troubles and would be back to work 2 weeks into Jan.He was there yesterday, but he didn't have my boyfriends money of course. He is just in a very bad state because of these choices he has made. It seems that Karma is getting him back from his youth, when he didn't care to get educated and didn't care about life in general. I believe that I am a good imfluence on him. He has expressed a need to attend colleged classes, maybe even to obtain his associates degree. He needs a jop first however. He started talking to someone at a friends party on new Years; I couldn't make it to because of funds and this person said they could get him in to Walmart. He applied when his mother would take him here, 3 days later. Still no word from there. It's just all so depressing and hard to handle.. and thats just my side... I'm sure he feels alot worse. I will look up every definition of the word Grace and start incorporating it in our lives. I was telling him all about the happiness book I was reading and he was saying he could basically write the book, either male ego or truth... he is a happy man and easily pleased, just going through hard times right now. Thank you for all your advice and support, I will be using what you have said and applying it. You are very right about Love being more important, and since I'm too realistic sometimes I over look that concept alot. Thank you again, Maddie
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