The more good looking, the more love the more frustration and pain.

[KungFuJoe]

To everyone who thinks I am making assumptions of personality based on looks. I am not!.

 

Read my second post (4th or 5th reply). I think the way a person develops in the early crushes of his/her life (accepting or rejecting a person early on in his/her life, means pretty much rewarding or punishing his/her crush), reinforces him or her to crush more or be more in control of their feelings.

 

And yes for your partner to have more options means your relationship is more at risk. (If you were the last people on the planet there would be 0 risk)

 

And just where did you come up with this assumption...and you still haven't commented on how my relationship most certainly doesn't fit your "mold".

 

I think you have it wrong, to be honest.

 

It's not about looks...it's about confidence and self esteem. I'll use my first gf and my wife as examples.

 

My wife is very good looking. She has been hit on and approached and wanted her entire life. She is also a very confident person (and also very modest, which I love about her). She doesn't need external validation to feel good about herself. She feels good about herself because she loves who she is as a person. She's kind natured (but definitely no softie) and, without a doubt, the biggest extrovert I have ever encountered. She just BLEEDS confidence. So when a guy hits on her or shows her attention she doesn't think, "Oh my god! I can't believe this is happening to me" BUT she also doesn't think, "This loser thinks he can get me?". She just thinks some PERSON is making conversation with her and being friendly. Now if you get TOO friendly with her, it's a completely different story...but if you're respectful, so is she.

 

My first gf...though not nearly as good looking as my wife, had her share of attention as well. She was a tall, cute asian girl with a swimmer's body (flat chested but very toned, especially in the legs). She was also VERY sweet and nurturing and fun to be around. But she had MAJOR self esteem issues. Shy around new people to the point of not even talking much and could be socially awkward at times. There were a few guys in the 4 years we were together that were VERY openly trying to be with her. I'm a VERY trusting and non jealous person so I had no problems with her being friends with them, even though I knew what THEIR intentions where. As long as my gf was faithful to me, I didn't have a problem. Well...there was a problem. Long story short, I have reason to believe that she cheated on me with a former boss of mine (at the time) who was, quite frankly, one of the cheesiest guys you could ever meet. He was the kind of guy who would brag about how well he could sing and then go and make your ears hurt at a karaoke bar. My gf (before I caught them) swore up and down that she thought he wasn't good looking or interesting at all, yet she would keep going out to dinners and movies with him. And I think the attention got to her. She was so enamored by the idea that someone else REALLY liked her that she started to "feel" something in return. She was more into the "fantasy" than the guy itself. And to me, that is just WEAK.

 

Look, I could understand if I was a bad boyfriend and this other guy was just Mr Perfect for her. But he wasn't...I knew it and she knew it. But, her self esteem was so low and she just wasn't used to this kind of attention and, being weak minded, she got caught up in it all.

 

I sometimes would "replace" my first gf with my wife in that same scenario (where some guy is VERY actively pursuing her) and I can't even imagine it getting anywhere close to that point. As soon as my wife would know that the guy had some ulterior motive, she would cut off all contact right there and then. She wouldn't even "entertain the thought" because to her, it means nothing. Not like my first gf, who was just happy that guys liked her and showed her attention and she wanted it to keep coming.

[TheZebra]

The problem with the OP's theory is that it doesn't factor in attraction and the ability to connect with someone on something that involves a complex mix of physical appearance, personality, intellect, etc. I always thought my ex and I were a good looking couple (though everyone now tells me they thought he was ugly... I never thought so. Whatever.) and we never had a shortage of options around us. We both got hit on quite a lot, whether we were together or apart. But we loved each other and everything the other person had to offer, so it never even crossed our minds to pick someone else.

[SteveC80]

And just where did you come up with this assumption...and you still haven't commented on how my relationship most certainly doesn't fit your "mold".

 

I think you have it wrong, to be honest.

 

It's not about looks...it's about confidence and self esteem. I'll use my first gf and my wife as examples.

 

My wife is very good looking. She has been hit on and approached and wanted her entire life. She is also a very confident person (and also very modest, which I love about her). She doesn't need external validation to feel good about herself. She feels good about herself because she loves who she is as a person. She's kind natured (but definitely no softie) and, without a doubt, the biggest extrovert I have ever encountered. She just BLEEDS confidence. So when a guy hits on her or shows her attention she doesn't think, "Oh my god! I can't believe this is happening to me" BUT she also doesn't think, "This loser thinks he can get me?". She just thinks some PERSON is making conversation with her and being friendly. Now if you get TOO friendly with her, it's a completely different story...but if you're respectful, so is she.

 

My first gf...though not nearly as good looking as my wife, had her share of attention as well. She was a tall, cute asian girl with a swimmer's body (flat chested but very toned, especially in the legs). She was also VERY sweet and nurturing and fun to be around. But she had MAJOR self esteem issues. Shy around new people to the point of not even talking much and could be socially awkward at times. There were a few guys in the 4 years we were together that were VERY openly trying to be with her. I'm a VERY trusting and non jealous person so I had no problems with her being friends with them, even though I knew what THEIR intentions where. As long as my gf was faithful to me, I didn't have a problem. Well...there was a problem. Long story short, I have reason to believe that she cheated on me with a former boss of mine (at the time) who was, quite frankly, one of the cheesiest guys you could ever meet. He was the kind of guy who would brag about how well he could sing and then go and make your ears hurt at a karaoke bar. My gf (before I caught them) swore up and down that she thought he wasn't good looking or interesting at all, yet she would keep going out to dinners and movies with him. And I think the attention got to her. She was so enamored by the idea that someone else REALLY liked her that she started to "feel" something in return. She was more into the "fantasy" than the guy itself. And to me, that is just WEAK.

 

Look, I could understand if I was a bad boyfriend and this other guy was just Mr Perfect for her. But he wasn't...I knew it and she knew it. But, her self esteem was so low and she just wasn't used to this kind of attention and, being weak minded, she got caught up in it all.

 

I sometimes would "replace" my first gf with my wife in that same scenario (where some guy is VERY actively pursuing her) and I can't even imagine it getting anywhere close to that point. As soon as my wife would know that the guy had some ulterior motive, she would cut off all contact right there and then. She wouldn't even "entertain the thought" because to her, it means nothing. Not like my first gf, who was just happy that guys liked her and showed her attention and she wanted it to keep coming.

 

Id agree good looking people are used to getting hit on and being lusted over that its no big deal to them

 

You take an average looking person in a relationship whos not used to getting hit on and being lusted after alot and add in is insecure about it and they are gonna be more prone to cheating imo the the good looking person used to it

[Alia_alia]

KungFuJoe honestly, I think you are pretty average as a couple. (I'd give you as a couple a 6.5-7, I hope you don't get offended). Were people steadily attracted to you throughout your childhood/highschool/college?

 

AS I over said it. I think it's about how you are used to and what psychological reinforcments you have. I am talking about really good looking people. If you're a 9 or a 10, you have been used to having anyone you want. And you get rewarded by feeling more which keeps reinforcing that you should act based on your feelings. Therefore you become a more "emotional" person, which leads to more highs and more lows, and to always seeking highs.

 

I think that is why most females are more "feelings" beings than men. Because they have been reinforced all our lives to feel as in the earlier stages of our lives we do have it easier.

[xxoo]

AS I over said it. I think it's about how you are used to and what psychological reinforcments you have. I am talking about really good looking people. If you're a 9 or a 10, you have been used to having anyone you want. And you get rewarded by feeling more which keeps reinforcing that you should act based on your feelings. Therefore you become a more "emotional" person, which leads to more highs and more lows, and to always seeking highs.

 

I think that is why most females are more "feelings" beings than men. Because they have been reinforced all our lives to feel as in the earlier stages of our lives we do have it easier.

 

Don't you ever feel that a relationship is qualitatively different--more--than all the rest?

 

When you make that kind of emotional connection, you don't want to let go. Other "options" pale in comparison.

[KungFuJoe]

KungFuJoe honestly, I think you are pretty average as a couple. (I'd give you as a couple a 6.5-7, I hope you don't get offended). Were people steadily attracted to you throughout your childhood/highschool/college?

 

AS I over said it. I think it's about how you are used to and what psychological reinforcments you have. I am talking about really good looking people. If you're a 9 or a 10, you have been used to having anyone you want. And you get rewarded by feeling more which keeps reinforcing that you should act based on your feelings. Therefore you become a more "emotional" person, which leads to more highs and more lows, and to always seeking highs.

 

I think that is why most females are more "feelings" beings than men. Because they have been reinforced all our lives to feel as in the earlier stages of our lives we do have it easier.

 

Not offended, like I said I would never confuse myself for a model, but I think you're completely wrong about my wife. I would consider her universally attractive and would easily rate her a 10, even if you think I'm biased. Her looks aren't even her best quality...her personality is off the charts. She's the kind of person that walks into a room and everyone notices her. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a man who wouldn't give her the time of day if she was interested.

 

I can't stress how much she gets hit on when we got out, and especially on the rare occasions we don't go out together. She IS used to getting what she wants, when she wants.

 

You even specifically mentioned, in your opening post, that this "phenomenon" is further amplified if the SO is MORE attractive. Doesn't that apply to my situation? And yet, STILL...no jealousy issues...no worries about infidelity. We trust each other completely. When my wife goes out, I tell her to wear the sexiest, sluttiest outfits she has...I WANT men to want her. And the same is true for her. She gets completely turned on when she sees women giving me attention.

 

It has nothing to do with looks. It's all about confidence. And that is something we both have a ton of. Confidence in ourselves and especially in our relationship.

[xxoo]

KungFu, your beautiful wife looks no more or less hot than my mommy friends to me Yes, most of us could easily get laid whenever we want!

 

But Alia, take note of how infatuated he is with his wife! That's love And pretty normal, imo.

[KungFuJoe]

Were people steadily attracted to you throughout your childhood/highschool/college?

 

I missed this question.

 

I'm a bit of a different story. I didn't think I was good looking at all growing up and through high school. Never had a gf, never even kissed a girl. But I was VERY shy and pretty introverted. I also pretty much spent 24/7 playing basketball so I wasn't all that into getting a gf, even though I did like girls and I would have liked to have a gf. There were a couple girls in HS that I knew liked me, told my friends, etc, etc...but I didn't feel anything in return and nothing ever happened. There were also some girls in high school that were part of the "popular" crowd. Turns out one of them, who I considered the cutest girl in school, had a MAJOR crush on me and the other one liked me as well. I guess my "radar" was broken or something.

 

BTW, the girl with the MAJOR crush on me is now my wife...though we didn't actually end up together until nearly 7 years later. But that should tell you how blind I was back then.

 

As I got older, I started to see a little more clearly and yes, I can honestly say that getting a woman's attractions was and is not difficult. Not to sound brash, but most of the time, women have approached me and not vice versa. My wife included, who kissed me first while we were dancing at a club. I've had women pick me up in clubs, try to kiss me while my wife was in the bathroom, offer sex straight up, openly flirt with me in front of my wife, etc, etc.

 

I'm not going to walk around saying I'm some great looking guy...but I'm very self aware of who I am and know what I have to offer. I know that I have "softer" features, a very young face (I'm 38, btw) and a woman who wants that rugged, chiseled face looking guy is not going to think I'm attractive. And that's fine with me. But I'm tall (6'2"), work out a lot with good genetics, am half asian/white so I attract a lot of different races, have nice light (half green/brown) eyes (which I've been told are my best feature). But, to be honest, like my wife, my personality is my best feature. I'm nice, open minded, VERY honest, and I'm just an overall good guy. I would never take advantage of anyone or any situation and I stand by my principles...always. My wife thinks I'm the funniest, coolest guy she's ever met. And I'll take her word for it.

 

This is most definitely not a matter of me being faithful to my wife because I have no options. I have PLENTY of options. Just none of them come remotely close to being as good as what I currently have.

[Juventa2012]

KungFu, your beautiful wife looks no more or less hot than my mommy friends to me Yes, most of us could easily get laid whenever we want!

 

But Alia, take note of how infatuated he is with his wife! That's love And pretty normal, imo.

 

KungFu is displaying "totally in love" feelings for his wife! To him, she will always be the most beautiful woman in the world! Very Normal I agree!

[KungFuJoe]

Totally in love doesn't even begin to cover it.

 

I'm head over heels infatuated, obsessed, worship the ground she walks on, etc, etc. I'm every gag supressing romantic cliche you've ever heard about love at first sight, fate, soulmate all rolled into one sickeningly sappy ball.

[ThaWholigan]

Totally in love doesn't even begin to cover it.

 

I'm head over heels infatuated, obsessed, worship the ground she walks on, etc, etc. I'm every gag supressing romantic cliche you've ever heard about love at first sight, fate, soulmate all rolled into one sickeningly sappy ball.

 

Hah! You're a soppy git like me